HOLLYWOOD – Jeff Goldblum – star of Jurassic Park and The Fly – showed off a new tattoo earlier today… of himself!
The 61 year old actor and jazz musician Jeff Goldblum said that he’d always wanted to get a tattoo of himself ever since he was a struggling theatre actor over forty years ago.
People told me not to do it because if I ever had to do a nude scene, or even take my shirt off it would be distracting. And that was true when David Cronenberg got me to strip for The Fly he said straight away ‘Thank God you don’t have a tattoo of yourself. That would be really distracting!’ So I was lucky I hadn’t done it, but nowadays no one wants me to take my shirt off so I figure I’m safe. Unless maybe Wes Anderson asks me but in that case he’ll love it. He’ll think it’s quirky.
The reception to the news was predictably explosive with some calling for Goldblum to resign from whatever it is he actually does.
I’ve always been a controversial figure. I uhm tend to provoke a reaction wherever I go. Uhm, you see, I have so much … I guess you’d call it personality. I have a lot of that. When it came uhm to chooooosing a tattoo, my wife, Emily, said, hey! Why not get one of yourself? And as ever she was right. I remembered my dream and here we are.
Jeff Goldblum is currently appearing.
HOLLYWOOD – The Florida Project and Last Temptation of Christ star Willem Dafoe is in hot water because of a radical new diet book that is centered on eating bats.
Radical celebrity diets are nothing new. From Gwyneth Paltrow’s Dust and Despair Diet to Jeff Goldblum’s 12-Day Arsenic Plan, but Willem Dafoe’s new diet book is causing quite the stir. Bat to Basics was written by Dafoe and nutritionist Selma Kayak and is packed cover to cover with recipes for flying rodents.
Selma came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to explain what the hell was going on:
When Willem first came to me it was the early 80s and he was working on To Live and Die in LA. We only had tree weeks until the shoot began and he was morbidly obese. I immediately suggested the rat diet which I originally discovered in Vietnam. However, Willem wanted something spicier. The bat diet was perfect. Not only are bats high in protein, they also contain all sorts of diseases which can function as naturally manifesting enemas.
Plus as part of the diet, Willem would catch the bats himself, which involved a lot of jumping around at twilight trying to grab hold of the little shits as they swooped past his porch light. He’s Canadian so he was very good at this.
But aren’t bats gross?
That’s the point. They taste like dead man’s dessicated knuckles. After a while you’re just never hungry. When he was making Platoon he didn’t eat for the whole shoot.
Animal rights groups have reacted with predictable blah-blah-blah.
Joan Stockings told the Exec:
Bats are beautiful creatures and many species are endangered. Willem Dafoe is blah blah blah. Blah blah boycott blah.
Bat to Basics: Willem Dafoe’s Tried and Tested Bat Diet is available from Amazon and all good bookstores.
NEW YORK – News broke today that Lou Diamond Phillips has bought a hat.
Young Guns and La Bamba actor Lou Diamond Phillips today has bought a new hat. News came in early this morning, as photographs of the eighties icon surfaced wearing what he told reporters was ‘a new hat’. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Diamond Phillips seemed in a buoyant mood.
It’s really Jazzy, don’t you think? For years I kinda avoided wearing hats because of the blue black lustre of my wonderful hair but then as I got older I was tempted. Baseball caps never really did it for me. I don’t know why. They just didn’t say Lou Diamond Phillips and ultimately that’s what a hat that Lou Diamond Phillips is wearing has to say. This one for instance says that loud and clear. Maybe with a whisper of Jeff Goldblum.
Where di you get it?
Oh a hat shop.
Lou Diamond Phillips will be appearing in The Last Train, to be released in 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – Everybody knows that Jeff Goldblum is the best actor in the world and a one man meme generator, but what do we really know about the man who still prefers to be known to his closest associates as Brundlefly?
The Studio Exec FACT Squad were so busy wondering whether they could they never once thought for a second about whether they should.
1 . Jeff Goldblum first appeared in the Charles Bronson 1974 vigilante movie Death Wish, where he was credited as ‘jiggy rapist 2’. He threw himself into the role totally and was arrested twice in New York in the run up to the film. The actor insisted that he had not ever been violent, he was cautioned for the misdemeanor of being excessively ‘jiggy’.
2 . Despite small roles in Annie Hall and Death Wish in the seventies, it wasn’t until the mid-eighties that Goldblum landed his first major role as Seth Brundle in the David Cronenberg body horror remake The Fly. Goldblum was so intent on making the film as authentic as possible that he employed his own acidic vomit and pulled off a number of fingernails to get the shot. ‘I believed the story was already fantastic and so there had to be something real in there for the audience to latch onto. I was that real,’ Goldblum told Gardener’s Weekly radio show in an interview on the original release of the movie.
3 . The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension exists.
4. When Jeff Goldblum first met Steven Spielberg at a casting session for Jurassic Park, Goldblum wowed the director with his deft understanding of Chaos Theory, Quantum Mechanics and String Theory. It was only later that Spielberg learned that Goldblum had actually made the whole thing up on the spot and at one point was actually speaking Klingon. Spielberg kept some of Goldblum’s own dialogue in the film, so fascinated was he by the exuberance of the man.
5. As well as being an actor Jeff Goldblum also plays jazz flute.
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HOLLYWOOD – New Roland Emmerich Science Fiction drama Independence Day: Regurgitation has changed its name to Independence Day: Resurgence.
Independence Day Star Jeff Goldblum announced that the filmmakers of Independence Day had changed the name of the blockbuster only weeks before the release. ‘It’s definitely a better name,’ said Brundlefly, as he prefers to be known. ‘The other name was…. how can I say? Vomity?’
The Stonewall and Anonymous director Emmerich, however, tried to explain the logic of the original choice:
We wanted Independence Day: Regurgitation to be a sequel that knew it was a sequel. A postmodern ironic romp and so the title was part of that. A poke at the culture of excessive repetition. But the studio felt it was too on the nose.
The movie will tell the tale of aliens invading the world and destroying major landmarks as part of their plan to ruin the international tourist industry.
Independence Day: Resurgence will be released in July.
HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the pilot who saved mankind by flying into the mother ship – featured in the lightly fictionalized documentary Independence Day – is actually not dead at all, but alive and well and living in Canada.
In the Independence Day Battle, the extraterrestrials were defeated by a combination of Jeff Goldblum’s brains, Will Smith’s Top Gun bravado and Randy Quaid’s mild insanity. It was the latter which finally paid off, allowing Quaid to pilot his plane on a suicidal trajectory into the mother ship where a computer virus destroyed the aliens and handed an eleventh hour victory to the beleaguered humans. It seemed obvious that Quaid had heroically sacrificed his life so that the human race might live, but it has been revealed that he is actually living in a hotel room somewhere in Canada with his wife/Rupert Murdoch.
Ex-President Bill Pullman spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
I have heard reports before that Randy was alive, but I just don’t see how he could possibly have survived the explosion. I mean it was like something out of a Michael Bay movie. I know. I was there. I would put this sort of evidence right up there with the stuff about Elvis still being alive, or the Loch Ness Monster or something.
But wasn’t Randy actually a conspiracy theory nut himself? Couldn’t this be the case that he’d be exactly the sort of person to do this?
I’ll admit that the picture you have looks like Randy Quaid and I will also admit that he was a personality that was … let us say unique. But he was also a hero of enormous proportions and a great American. To say that he somehow slipped away from the wreckage and went to Canada! Canada of all places! No, that just won’t stand. That is besmirching the memory of a great American hero and the brother of a really fine actor.
And yet the photographic evidence seems compelling, as was admitted by Dr. Brundlefly. ‘It certainly looks like Randy would look after all these years have passed,’ said Goldblum. ‘And yet living in Canada… I mean he was probably so busy wondering if he could do it, he didn’t stop to ask himself if he should do it.’
What do you think? Fill the comment box below with your own insensate nonsense.
TUSK: REVIEW – Based on a Podcast, a roaming journalist Wallace (Justin Long) at a loss for a story tracks down an old eccentric, Howard Howe (Michael Parks), with a weird story to tell about shipwreck, survival and a horrible obsession with a Walrus.
Kevin Smith is the kind of director who gets drunk, or high, and shoots the shit with his pals and has one of those ideas and everyone’s laughing because it’s so crazy and funny and stupid, but when Kevin Smith wakes up in the morning and finds the notes he scrawled on the napkins and the bar mats, where most of us would toss them and reach for Advil, Smith sits at his computer and begins to diligently turn them into a screenplay. As Dr. Jeff Goldblum might say, ‘You were so preoccupied with working out if you could, you never thought about if you should.’
The result is Tusk, a horror-comedy where the horror is silly and unscary and the comedy is horrifyingly bad. Michael Park, who was so good in Smith’s Red State, is once more asked to carry the film, and though a fine actor really does need better material than this whimsical fart gas. The presence of Johnny Depp doing one of his ‘comic turns’ as a rogue Canadian police officer only adds to the feel that this is far more about the cast and crew having a gas, than any idea of telling a story for a potentially interested audience. It’s so indulgent I imagine everyone got fat making it. The most frightening moment is seeing how weird that little kid from The Sixth Sense looks as an adult. In fact, a better film might have been focussed on him alone and how he deals with having to live in a world where Bruce Willis is no longer dead.
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