VAN DAMME’S PREDATOR ROLE IN PREY REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – With the general release of the latest film in the Predator franchise, Prey we can reveal Jean Claude ‘Muscles From Brussels’ Van Damme’s Predator role in Prey. Reprising his role as The Predator from the 1987 all action blockbuster was a tough decision and not something he took lightly. We spoke with his manager, Herschel Mince about the star’s part in the film.

It Must Have Been Tough Keeping Van Damme’s Predator Role In Prey A Secret

You’re god damned right it was. Jean Claude was up every morning at 2am, getting into costume and makeup. He lived away from all the actors and crew. Nobody on set ever even knew it was him. Not even the director, Dan Trachtenberg. I took a job as a runner and wore a disguise. It was a set of Groucho Marx glasses and moustache. Nobody suspected a thing.

Why Were You There?

So I could feed him at lunch times. That way, no-one would get near him and raise suspicion. I would plop bits of sandwich and potato chips into his mandibles. Although I always to go easy on the mayo. It could get hot and smelly in there.

What About Going To The Bathroom?

He couldn’t take a piss on his own as he couldn’t take any of the costume off. So I had to rummage around in there and hold his winky for him. I even had to open the zipper around the back when he had to make dirt. Y’know what I mean. Have you ever seen a Predator having its ass wiped? I’ve seen things man. Taco Tuesdays were always the worst.

Why Didn’t You Use A Mo-Cap Suit?

Mo-what?

Mo-Cap or motion capture. Just Like They Did With Gollum In The Lord Of The Rings.

Well, I’ll be god-dammed.

You Mean Van Dammed, LOL!

Shut the fuck up.

Prey Is Currently Streaming On Disney+

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 1. ROLAND EMMERICH

HOLLYWOOD – Roland Emmerich is our first interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

This town has a long history of taking in immigrants from Europe and using their talent to our mutual benefit. Look at Billy Wilder. Jesus, did that Austrian have cahones! And then there was Fritz Lang, what a massive talent! Dr. Mabuse, M and Metropolis. Michael Curtiz, Erich Von Strohiem, the list goes on and on, I think. And joining that venerable list is Roland Emmerich: the Master of Disaster, the chaos theory himself, the man some people are calling the new Kubrick, and by some people I mean idiots.

Emmerich first made a name for himself with Universal Soldier, an interesting character piece that pitted the talents of Dolph Lungren against Jean Claude Van Damme, a pairing that brought to mind the great acting duel of Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton in Beckett. Following up swiftly with some explorations in ‘science fiction’, Emmerich soon mastered the genre with Stargate and Independence Day and completed his ‘Trilogy’ with Godzilla.

‘It was a technical exercise,’ Roland tells me as he pours skimmed milk onto his Rice Krispies. ‘I wanted to see if I could take this giant monster, from Japanese movies and have it destroying New York, with the military and missiles and what not and yet still be boring. You see Spielberg had done dinosaurs in Jurrassic Park but he had done the obvious thing and made it exciting. Mine was the more difficult task.’

‘You succeeded brilliantly,’ I tell him.

‘Shhhhhh,’ he says. Of course, he wants to listen to the snap, crackle and pop.

‘The casting of Matthew Broderick as an action movie lead was key,’ he says.

And Jean Reno as comic relief.

Having completely dominated ‘science fiction’, Rollie decided it was time to make his mark in period drama. The Patriot – starring everyone’s favourite anti-Semite Mel Gibson – was like David Lean with blood squibs.

In order to give his lead depth, Rollie had him make a chair, and then, to add comedy, Rollie had the chair be crap.

‘He sits down, it breaks he falls on the floor,’ he waves a spoon at me. ‘Hilarious.’

At this point in his career, we couldn’t write contracts fast enough for this boy.

The Day After Tomorrow I would sincerely credit as Rollie’s masterpiece. Perhaps the most politically important film since Conan the Destroyer. After which there was nowhere to go but down. Trust Rollie Emmers to make going down an art form in itself. 2012 was such a pile of horrible steaming effluent that even John Cusack looked embarrassed (and he’ll do anything for a coin that glints). Cusack has since altered his appearance by weirdly disguising himself as a young Nick Cage (pictured).

Having perfected cinema in all its forms, the question was what next?

Rollie licks his spoon thoughtfully.

Everyone talks about Shakespeare, Shakespeare, Shakespeare. Borrrrring! So I had this idea that how can this little jumped up slap head, you know and the plays and school and stuff? Whereas a noble with the words putting together stuff would be better, the writer be. But there was a problem. How to persuade these great British actors, Derek Jacobi, Mark Rylance, Rhys Ifans to be in a film which basically trashes the greatest English playwright.

So how did you do it?

Rollie laughs.

Easy. I paid them lots of money. They love money. They didn’t give a shit.

We laugh our asses off. What a great guy!

[This interview was originally published in The New Yorker September 2012]

For more Breakfasts, Click Here.

 

BLACK LIST: SLEEP FIGHTER

HOLLYWOOD – In our continuing series of publishing the best synopses from the hallowed vaults of the Studio Exec Black List, we proudly present Sleep Fighter.

A martial arts action movie, Sleep Fighter would be the perfect vehicle for that Jim Jarmusch – Jean Claude Van Damme crossover we’ve yet to see. Here is the synopsis in FULL:

Joe Varney, a muscle bound man in his fifties with a slight Belgian accent, is a black ops specialist with a martial arts and who has worked in some of the hottest conflict points on the Earth. His prowess in combat is second to none, but during an operation in Central America he is left with a grievous wound to his skull that has the side effect of giving him narcolepsy of life changing irritation. Shipped back to the States, Varney recovers only to find that the Communists and Islamist Terrorists and Russian Mafia have joined together to take advantage of his weakness. Add to this his teenage daughter has a Muslim boyfriend, and they want to set married and move to ISIS!

Unbeknownst to his enemies, Varney is taken to a top secret sleep clinic where he is trained to fight in his sleep, rendering his weakness into a super powerful component of his terrorism fighting prowess. And not a second too late, as CITRM choose the occasion of his daughter’s wedding to attack Varney as he snoozes through the best man’s speech. Will Varney defeat his foes and in doing so impress on his daughter the need to fire a rocket launcher at her new husband and fire him through a plate glass window and into the gravel forecourt six floors down? Will his ex-wife look with new longing at him, having realized her rich new husband is a limp dick douche by comparison?

Read the FULL script of SLEEP FIGHTER and find out!

Would you green light Sleep Fighter? Indicate your enthusiasm or disgust via the comments box or Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr.

KICKBOXER REMAKE SIGNS SOLANGE

NEW YORK – The Kickboxer remake – starring Dave Bautista and Alain Moussi – has found a co-star in Jay-Z wooper Solange Knowles.

The late addition came as no surprise as the world reeled from the elevator footage from New York where she showed off her skills with several well placed Nut Busters and some hearty dialogue to boot. Director Stephen Fung said they were delighted to have the singer join the team.

We’re delighted to have her. It’ll be like Kylie Minogue in Street Fighter, though, you know, probably better.

Have you had to change the story to accommodate your new star?

A little. We are obviously going to have an elevator scene. I mean, that’s just a given right?

The original 1989 film, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, was a massive hit and everyone has been shouting and screaming for literally twenty five years for a remake starring some wrestlers and a feisty singer.

Kickboxer will be released in 2016.  

TURNER AND HOOCH REBOOT ANNOUNCED

BRUSSELS – Jean Claude Van Damme and his loveable Chihuahua Champion-Man are currently filming the Turner and Hooch remake in various locations across Europe.

The sure-fire winning combo of wise cracking cop and loveable dog concept movie is set to rise again and the Studio Exec managed to catch up with both stars.

No one has ever seen action like this. This is a whole new genre of entertainment. It’s beyond your imagination.

Could you break it down a little for those of us who may need help then?

Have you ever seen a dog rip out someone’s throat while firing a semi automatic machine gun?

I don’t think so.

See! I told you. You didn’t imagine it. I put that in there. That’s just one of the images you will see for the first time. Champion-Man will bring new depths of excitement to modern cinema.

What is the actual story this time around?

The REAL story is that I was watching the movie Taken with Champion-Man and we both agreed that it was weak as cabbage pee and that it’d be vastly improved with a real martial artist and a real dog. I know for a FACT Neeson could never do the splits in a time of crisis. He’s an ass biscuit. Neither could he train a small dog to steal a Vespa with nothing but a hand gesture. Do you agree with these statements?

Well…I know Liam quite well, I’m fairly sure he couldn’t do the splits.

Thank you. That will look good on the poster. I must leave you now. Champion-Man must tinkle then feed.

Turner and Hooch: The Belgian Connection is currently held up due to copyright infringement allegations.

BRUCE WILLIS AND SYLVESTER STALLONE MARRY

SAN FRANCISCO – In a surprise twist following recent contretemps, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis have got married, taking advantage of recent changes in the marriage laws. 

After something that was like a tiff about Expendables 3, the Testosterone Twins decided to get hitched having got a lot of tension out through what they called ‘physical exertion’.
Stallone said on the court steps in front of an audience of friends and Jean Claude Van Damme:

We had been tussling for some time, but then the tussling, and fighting soon turned to slapping, then wrestling and then that turned into something a bit more serious and then… well Jesus Christ. What do you want? Pictures?   

To the resounding shout of YES! the happy couple demurred.  

The Expendables 4 will be released in 2015.

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME JOINS DOWNTON ABBEY

YORKSHIRE – Only hours after news that Paul Giamatti is joining the cast of Downton Abbey for Season Four, it was also revealed that the ‘Muscles from Brussels’, Jean Claude Van Damme will also be appearing, although it is as yet unclear as to whether he will be making a permanent addition, or a special one off appearance.

The action star spoke excitedly to Studio Exec this morning:

My character is Alphonse DuBois. I am a member of the Belgian aristocracy but I have fallen on hard times and I arrive at Downton as part of a troupe of entertainers. I’m the clown Monsieur Chuckles. Unbeknownst to the Earl the house has been surrounded by dirty thieving Ninjas, intent on stealing the family silver, and this is where my character really comes into his own, cheering up the family once the Ninjas have gone with all the silver.  


Julian Fellowes, the creator and producer of the show, said that they were very pleased to have Monsieur Van Damme aboard.

He really is the most charming of chaps, and when he has a couple of drinks he comes out with the funniest stories about Kylie Minogue and Roger Moore. Really ripping stuff.  

But aren’t you worried the influx of Hollywood faces will compromise the dramatic believability of the show?

What what what what? Oh, dramatic believability! Ha! Yes, quite.

Downton Abbey: Season 4 begins this Fall.

STALLONE CHARITY CONCERT TO BUY JCVD GARDEN FURNITURE

‘genuinely hate each other’

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight sees the first Garden Furniture Aid concert, organised by Slvester Stallone to buy his best friend Jean Claude Van Damme some garden furniture: ‘We’re thinking a Chinese swing and a portable barbecue,’ said the F.I.S.T. star.

The idea originated on the set of Expendables 2 when Arnold Schwarzenegger overheard a conversation in which JCVD was lamenting the price of garden furniture and saying that his patio looked ‘really bare’ and ‘was embarrassing’. Schwarzenegger thought little of it but he mentioned it to Bruce Willis and Hudson Hawk – as he prefers to be known – passed on the gossip to Jason Statham who found Sylvester Stallone cutting out the eyes of Kieth Urban pictures and distracted him with a slightly exaggerated version in which the Muscles from Brussels was on suicide watch because he didn’t have any garden furniture.
The event which starts at 7 pm at the Hollywood Bowl will feature musical performances from New Edition, Bruce Willis, Huey Lewis and the News, John Williams and the Boston Pops Orchestra, Miley Cyrus and Frankie Goes to Hollywood who have re-formed especially for the event.