AL PACINO REMOVED GLASSES SHOCK

Hollywood – The movie world is reeling today after Al Pacino removed glasses from his eyes upon the heartless instructions of blood thirsty journalists. The incident took place at the New York premiere of Ridley Scott’s latest film, House Of Gucci. Onlookers were stunned as Al Pacino removed glasses, complying with the vicious demands from baying journalists and photographers. Lady Gaga, who is starring alongside Pacino in the movie, tore into the photographers in a four letter-filled tirade of abuse.

Al Pacino Removed Glasses WTAF!

The nightmarish scene played out in full view of movie fans, A-listers and journalists alike. Cuddly Al, was wearing his customary cool shades, so photographers ordered him to remove them. Upon taking his glasses off, Lady Gaga who was with him on the red carpet, unleashed a foul-mouthed rebuke. ‘You put those fucking glasses back on your face Al. Hey you. Yeah, you. Who the fuck do you think this is? He’s Al Fucking Pacino you piece of shit. Why don’t you come up here and let’s go a few rounds. Bafangu, you lousy mook.’

Lady GrrGrr

Lady GaGa then leaped from the red carpeted stage into the crowd of photographers, throwing kicks and punches indiscriminately while shouting, ‘Who wants it? Have it, you pieces of shit.’ Then a group of well-rehearsed publicists pulled her out of the melee. Meanwhile another group of well-rehearsed publicists distributed cash amongst the injured and bleeding paparazzi.

Oh Shit, It’s Jared Leto

Those close by swore they could hear Al Pacino say upon removing his glasses, ‘Wait a minute, is that Jared Leto? Because I thought they said Jay Leno. Was I just in a picture with that wrong’un?’ Then he put his glasses back on and spent the entire premiere sat at the back of the theatre with his arms folded. Those nearby could hear him muttering about his ‘fucking agent’ and ‘Joe Pesci’s got the right fucking idea’.

House Of Gucci Is Now On General Release

MICHAEL DOUGLAS RECEIVES MAGIC BLUE PENIS

JERUSALEM – Michael Douglas was on stage in Jerusalem last night to receive a Magic Blue Penis from the hands of Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.

The Magic Blue Penis is given every five years to men of proven virility and Michael Douglas received it ‘in recognition of his cockmanship and priapism’, as the official statement read. Former recipient Jay Leno shared the stage with Douglas and the Israeli Prime Minister, along with a number of extraordinarily ugly Russian oligarchs who were intent on touching the Magic Blue Penis which is said to have magic powers. Netanyahu, in presenting the award, congratulated Michael Douglas on years of potency:

In your private life you have had some troubles with this, but you have overcome them in a way that makes everyone who has a large manhood proud. In your professional life, you have given us classics such as Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, War of the Roses and Disclosure, showing that the man with the penis is always surrounded by crazy ladies, who he must love, but also occasionally kill. Now with the Magic Blue Penis, which is the stamp of approval that men yearn for everywhere, we believe you will be able to go back to America and spread messages of peace, inclusiveness and girth.

The Magic Blue Penis was first discovered near the source of the Nile. Scientists still squabble about its exact composition, but no one has ever called into question its effects. Even a brief exposure to the penis will render the holder irresistible to women and elephants.

Michael Douglas was eager to thank his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones, and his father Kirk Douglas for being an inspiration. The runner up prize – the Magic Blue Balls – was awarded to David Letterman for services to television.

JACK NICHOLSON TO RETURN AS THE JOKER

GOTHAM – Jack Nicholson is set to reprise his iconic performance as the Joker in the new DC Comics film Suicide Squad.

News broke over Gotham late last night, putting paid to the notion that Jay Leno and Jared Leto had both been approached about the role, simply because they had the same initials.

David Ayers, the director of the super villains team movie said that he was  delighted to have Jack Nicholson on board:

Nicholson is, was and will be a great Joker. This is going to make things really interesting, because he will bring with him the memories of the Tim Burton Batman films, but at the same time, now he’s a little longer in the tooth, there’s also the sense that this is a maturer Joker, a Joker who has perhaps learned a few lessons, a Joker who… Who am I kidding? This is Jack Nicholson, right? He’s going to be crazy!

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec, Jack Nicholson explained his thinking behind his decision:

At first I didn’t want to play the same part. I thought Heath Ledger did a splendid job, truly splendid. But then when David came and showed me the script, I thought this is truly wonderful. But still I can’t do it, I’m too old for this. Then I called Jennifer Lawrence and she said she loved comic book movies and next day I was in costume.

Suicide Squad will be released in 2016.

JAY LENO HANDCUFFS HIMSELF TO DESK

HOLLYWOOD – The final Tonight Show under the twenty plus year tenure of Jay Leno ended with a Presidential visit and an all star cast (and Jack Black) serenading the host, but when the applause died down and the cameras ceased broadcasting it was discovered that Leno had handcuffed himself to the desk and swallowed the key. 

Studio heads were called in to try and talk some sense into the man, but he kept shouting ‘Blah blah blah’ whenever they tried to speak. Jimmy Fallon is understood to have been taken into protective custody following the discovery of a receipt in Leno’s dressing room, apparently for ‘1 Mafia hit – $700 Kimmel Fallon, Jimmy.’ 
Sources in NBC told the Studio Exec:

I think Jay is overreacting. Most of us assumed that Jay would be back on the Tonight Show in three months anyway, six months tops. But I don’t know. He’s hurting and angry and he’s not thinking straight. 

Some blame Oprah Winfrey for the stand off as she apparently now refuses to sing, one of the only weapons they can deploy against Leno. 

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno will broadcast on NBC. 

WHO WILL REPLACE JAY LENO?

NBC has announced it will not be renewing gerbil faced former comedian Jay Leno’s Tonight Show contract when it expires in summer 2014.

The Internet is already buzzing with speculation as to who will replace Jay with some media outlets suggesting that imbecile for hire Jimmy Fallon has already secured the gig; but the Studio Exec has received an e-mail from an anonymous source at NBC claiming that Fallon is by no means the first choice and there are a number of other potential candidates for the coveted job.
 
Here are just some of the names on that highly confidential list:

Conan

 
English might not be his first, or even his fourth language but Conan would make up in gravitas and sheer physical presence what he lacks in delivery. Also, Hollywood stars tend to be more open and amiable guests when threatened with the possibility of decapitation.




George W. Bush
 
The Ex president has been making millions on the public speaking circuit but would relish the opportunity to return to a position of power. His witty monologues about how he plunged America into the biggest financial crisis in history and how he conspired with Saudi Oil Barons to plot the destruction of the world trade centre are bound to delight audiences. Make Dick Cheney band leader and you’ve got instant TV gold.
 
 
Jason Sudeikis
 
It makes sense to replace an unfunny, ageing white male mysteriously beloved by millions of American twinkie sucking couch potatoes with an unfunny, slightly younger white male mysteriously beloved by millions of American twinkie sucking couch potatoes. Sudeikis easily fits the template but Bill Hader, Charlie Day or indeed, Jimmy Fallon would also suffice.



Mel Gibson
 
A controversial choice but Mel would not be afraid to ask the difficult questions such as “ Steven Spielberg, why did you kill Christ?”, “Woody Allen, why did you exaggerate the  Holocaust?” and Joe Eszterhas “ Why the f*ck did you send me this S*tty f*cking script you no good Hungarian C*nt!”



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