GREAT WHITE SHARK ATTACKS TO MARK JAWS 40TH ANNIVERSARY

HOLLYWOOD – A school of great white sharks have been released into the oceans in a badly thought out attempt to mark the 40th anniversary of the release of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.

Forty years ago today, the most ominous four bar intro in cinema history broke the surface of the collective subconscious and Jaws has been terrifying swimmers ever since. Universal have decided to mark the occasion not only with a limited release of the original film, but also by releasing several ferocious Great White sharks into the water over the weekend. These sharks have been bred in captivity and the hope is that up and down the Eastern seaboard the sharks will be expected to attack bathers at a number of surprise locations, re-enacting the terror of the film. But don’t worry, Richard Dreyfuss, John Milius and Steven Spielberg are also setting sale in a replica boat based on the Orca to shoot barrels into the sharks and hopefully kill them before the death count gets too high.

We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Richard Dreyfuss:

Of course, ideally we would love to have Robert Shaw and Roy Schieder here beside me, but John Milius helped rewrite one of the most iconic scenes in the film Jaws and Steven Spielberg made his name as a director, directing it. He is also I’m pleased to say, an excellent shot.

But what about the risk someone might get hurt?

That’s the beautiful thing. You see legally once we release the sharks we’re no longer legally culpable for anything they do. Best case scenario they kill a nude swimmer, a boating instructor, a little boy, a dog and perhaps Ben Gardner Jr., who we’ve persuaded to put in harm’s way, just to get into the spirit of the original, filmed all those year’s ago.

And what do you say to animal rights groups who object to what is essentially a contrived blood sport?

Oh f*ck them. I didn’t get to play Mr. Holland in Mr. Holland’s Opus by listening to every nay-sayer and whinger who fluttered across my transom. No sir! And if any of them try to stop us Milius will go Conan  on their asses. To be honest, I think the sharks are going to have a good chance. I plan to smash the radio equipment the moment I can and we’ve made the new Orca incredibly brittle. I predict by Sunday afternoon one of us is going to be spitting blood while the machete drops from their lifeless fingers! Ha ha!

For more on Jaws CLICK HERE.

NO TINTIN IN BRIDGE OF SPIES TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The trailer for the new Steven Spielberg film Tintin and the Bridge of Spies doesn’t feature any footage of its hero Tintin.

The Cold War spy saga stars Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance in a tense tale of espionage and fraught danger. On the plus side the CGI is a marked improvement on 2011’s Tintin and The Secret of the Unicorn, with an almost photo-realistic realization of New York and East Berlin and a Tom Hanks who has escaped the uncanny valley that The Polar Express thrust him into. And yet at the same time many Tintin fans were left scratching their heads at the absence of Georges Remi’s famous creation. However, Steven Spielberg in a late night pèhone conversation with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY revealed that Tintin was being saved for later:

When I was making Jaws, the first time I was showing the rushes to people all they could say is where is the shark, where is the shark. Of course, as everyone knows that was due to the technical difficulties that we had operating the thing, but the effect on the film was enormous and taught me a lesson to this day. Always keep the audience waiting for the star. And so it with our intrepid reporter.

The Adventures of Tintin and the Bridge of Spies will be released in October.

STEVEN SPIELBERG: ALL MY MOVIES HAPPENED TO ME

MALIBU -In an EXCLUSIVE column, Steven Spielberg – director of Always and The Terminal – gives a unique insight into the workings of his brain pan and his film-making.

Hi, I’m Steven Spielberg and I make tight MovieFilms. You might have seen them on tapes and cinemas. What you don’t know is that all my MovieFilms are true stories and they all happened to me. No Sh*t!

For Example:

The ‘Jaws’.

This was a deeply personal autobiographical account of the time I spent working as a Chief of Police in a small seaside town in the early 70s. I changed some stuff at the suggestion of my friend George. I thought these changes seemed simply crazy! Too wild to even consider, but in retrospect it had the dual consequence of making me a shit-tonne of monies and helping to deflect from my being a suspect in the murder of some Islanders.

You see, in reality, it was a damn mystery who was killing those folks! After we found the first scantily clad teenage girl, dead and mangled on the beach, we assumed it was either a crime of passion or some kinky love-making ritual gone a bit askew (people get bored in small communities and try stuff, it happens). When the second girl turned up in a similar location with similar injuries the guys down the station got all excited and started talking about the possibility of us having an honest to heck serial killer. Thus the legend of Kinky Jack was born.

We were stumped, more bodies turned up, and not just hot teen girls in bikinis; kids, old sailors, even dogs! All dumped in or around the sea/beach type area. We questioned every saucy old seaman who ever crossed our path in those weeks but couldn’t get a grip on this damn case at all. Eventually I had to take some time.

I hooked up with a few buddies and decided to take a boat trip to clear my head. It was blissful at first; telling stories over a few whiskey shots, showing each other our bodies in the crisp moonlight…then one day…shit, it’s hard to talk about it even now. I woke up to find them both dead and mangled! One, chopped in half below the waist and the other floating in pieces in a weird little cage tied to the boat. Kinky Jack! He had struck again, but how? And why spare me?

It would sure look real funky; the chief of police turning up, covered in blood on a ghost boat claiming to have no idea who killed his shipmates. So I did what anyone would. I weighed down the remains of the bodies, chopped a hole in the side of the boat and swam home on a little yellow float. I told anyone who asked that my buddies just decided to go on a trip. Boom. Everyone bought it.

We never did find the killer and Kinky Jack seemed to have sated whatever deadly fetishes moved him so…no more bodies turned up and we all kind of left it. Bit of a relief really.

A few years later when I decided to get into Movifilms full time a pal said ‘write what you know’ so I decided to make all my MovieFilms about my own life…but, you know, I don’t want people asking any questions. Hence, Kinky Jack became a big ol’ rubber shark! How crazy does that sound? Well they bought it. You all bought it.

This was fun. I like sharing.

For more from 1941 director Steven Spielberg Click HERE!

JAMES CAMERON TO SCRIPT CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON 2

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar genius James Cameron is to script the sequel to Ang Lee’s hit kung-fu movie: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon 2.

The Titanic director, who is currently hard at work on Avatar 2 and 3, took time out of his busy schedule to talk EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his work on the project:

I’m very good friends with Ang Lee ever since on the eve of my expedition to the bottom of the Mariana Trench he sent me a good luck card with a picture of Nemo from the movie Finding Nemo. And inside he wrote ‘I hope you find your Nemo!’ It was really one of the most thoughtful things I’ve ever received. I mean I don’t have a lot of friends.

How did that lead to you working on the script?

Well, I got to thinking about the film when we watched the original over Christmas last year and so I wrote a spec sequel. This is something I often do. That’s how I got the original job on Aliens. I wrote the script and just gave it to Walter Hill. And I got the gig. Before that I wrote a prequel to Jaws. My version is called Jaw.

What happens in the film?

It is essentially similar to the first film in that a sword is stolen and the hero and his longtime friend, who he wants to be his girlfriend, but who he can’t because he’s like a monk or something, anyway they have to retrieve the stolen sword. But in this movie we decided to repair what I saw as an essential flaw in Ang’s version. We’re going to actually have Dragons and Tigers and loads of them. Sure they’ll be some crouching and some hiding, but in Ang Lee’s version there was so much hiding I didn’t even see the Goddamn dragon. And I can only assume the tiger was crouching behind the dragon!

Crouching Tigers Hidden Dragons will be released in 2016.

AN APPEAL FROM STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, my name is Steven Spielberg, director of such great films as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lincoln, War Horse, Sugarland Express, Schindler’s List, Jurassic Park, Catch Me If You Can, Saving Private Ryan, Amistad, Hook, 1941, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun, Munich and Always.

You might also know me from my executive producer credits on ER, Falling Skies, the Transformers series and many other TV Shows and films. Oh, I also kind of directed Poltergeist, but shhhhh. 

But today I don’t want to talk to you as the director of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Tin Tin the Secret of the Unicorn and certainly not as the director of The Terminal … to tell you the truth I always try and forget that one. 

No. I’m here to talk to you as a normal human being. A simple man. Cast from your mind Jurassic Park: The Lost World and Duel. Not to mention the beguiling science fiction fairy tales A.I. and E.T. And let’s not get into my cameo role in The Blues Brothers, or those documentaries I made about the Second World War and President Obama. And what’s the point in dredging up the segment of The Twilight Zone movie and those episodes of Columbo I was involved with? I was a young man, a kid and no one knew me. It just isn’t relevant to the point I want to make and this very important issue which I would like to shine a light on today.

So PLEASE sign the petition and remember to give generously. Thank You.


Steven Spielberg

ON SET: MAKING JAWS

HOLLYWOOD – I remember when Stevie Spielberg first came into my office with his script. It was called Amity then. I read it as he played pin ball, whooping and hollering and full of energy and vim. 

‘Well?’ he asks.
‘I like it,’ I tell him. ‘The peaceful seaside community, the cop from New York, kids Karate chopping fences. It’s great. But I got one word for you: Shark!’
His eyes lit up. I gave him a novel I’d read, Godawful piece of trash but there was a shark in it: Jaws by Peter Benchley, who I knew because of his father. A week later back comes Stevie, script rewritten. He shoots some hoops in the yard while I read. The cop’s son befriends the lonely shark and they have adventures. ‘You didn’t read the book, did you?’

He shakes his head. ‘I looked at the cover, briefly,’ he admits.
‘Okay,’ I tell him. ‘We need a severed head, a bitten off leg and a great score by Henry Mancini.’
Well, two out of three ain’t bad. 

(This extract was taken from the forthcoming book Lunches with Assholes: How Films Get Made due out for Xmas 

JAWS BLU-RAY HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT, SAYS LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas came out today in a scathing attack on his ex-friend Steven Spielberg on the occasion of the release of Jaws on blu-ray. 

‘I gave Steven notes on this and he ignored them all,’ said the genius behind The Phantom Menace and Howard the Duck. ‘This was an opportunity to improve a film with all sorts of CGI brilliance and gee-gaws, but I’m afraid my friend Steven is definitely a talent on the wane.’

According to our source, the Lucas – Spielberg relationship never really recovered from arguments about casting Raiders of the Lost Ark. Famously, Lucas would have preferred Tom Selleck in the role of the whip-cracking archaeologist and when the opportunity to create the blu-ray of the Indiana Jones series, even suggested CGI-ing Selleck’s face onto Harrison Ford’s body. A mutual friend told Studio Exec, ‘It’s been years now that whenever George speaks, Steven just smiles and nods, smiles and nods.’

Some of George’s Jaws Suggestions.  

CGI the goddam shark, Stevie. CGI the hell out of that asshole. Then you can add it to all the scenes, from the very beginning. And because it’s CGI and you don’t need to worry about gravity and what not, you can make it like leap out of the water and fly around like I did with R2D2.

With more shark footage you can skip all those dialogue scenes, which you yourself thought of as filler I recall. Ditch the Indianapolis speech for example. It goes on and on and who cares? It was olden day stuff anyway.  

Everyone loves the Johnny Williams score but why not spruce it up. Add some lyrics. ‘Ja–aws, Ja–aws, the shark is coming with his great big Ja-aws.’ I’m spitballing here but you know what I mean.

Instead of Hooper, why not a character to give a bit more ethnic color? Pedro the Mexican oceanographer, gets into scrapes, lots of fun. Like JarJar. ‘Chief, I don wanna get een the caaaaage!’

Finally Robert Shaw’s performance is the weakest part of the film. Frankly embarrassing nd very difficult to understand. Why don’t we overdub him with Morgan Freeman’s voice? And while we’re ADRing, we can add some explanatory dialogue. The first victim can say something like ‘Argghhh I am being eaten by a shark. Not good.’ Or Chief Brody can say at the end ‘Oh I know, I’ll fire at the air cannisters and that’ll blow him up.’