LARRY VAUGHN TO HEAD THE CDC

AMITY – Former Mayor of Amity, Larry Vaughn tapped to head the CDC.

Unsuccessful presidential candidate and popular mayor Larry Vaughn will take over the CDC from Friday, the White House announced today. Robert Redfield currently heads the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, but will step down. Vaughn first came to prominence during his tenure as mayor of Amity, a small town which was terrorized by a Great White Shark. It is this experience of crisis management which caught President Donald Trump’s eye.

A source from the White House told the Studio Exec:

Larry has lots of experience. He knows how to balance public safety with the need to keep the economy running. We’re also looking to the long term. We would like everything to be back to normal by July the 4th, something he is keen on also.

Vaughn himself told the press he looks forward to taking over the position.

I see myself and President Trump as very much cast from the same mold. We’re both businessmen, but we’re also fathers, and even grandfathers, I think. Coronavirus is getting all the headlines at the moment but people don’t seem to realise that sharks are now an endangered species. Surely, the time has come to wipe them out entirely.

Larry Vaughn is available for Bar Mitzvahs, Birthday Parties and public speaking engagements.

5 FACTS ABOUT JAWS

AMITY – Jaws! That’s it. We’re going to need a bigger fact!

Jaws. This was NO BOATING ACCIDENT! Get your facts together for one of the best films ever to be made about a shark eating a man who delivered the atom bomb they dropped on Hiroshima. FA—–ACT, FA——-ACT, FACT FACT FACT FACT (didder-derrr!)

1. Steven Spielberg occasionally used a fake shark when he believed using a real shark would endanger the actors. If you look very carefully some experts can tell the difference by the general plastic rubbery crapness of the model shark and the real one. But you have to be an expert.  

2. Quint was named Squint in the original Peter Benchley novel because he squinted so much, but Robert Shaw told Spielberg he’d like to change the name because Squint made him sound like a cock womble.

3. The Indianapolis scene was a stroke of great good fortune. Spielberg asked John Milius if he had any ideas and Milius had tons but they were all rubbish. Then Milius went for a walk across his favourite golf club and got hit by lightning. He wrote the scene out as he still smoked from the lightning strike. Everyone was amazed. He’s never done anything as good, prior or since. 

4. Ben Gardner was based on a real gardener.

5. All the sequels made following the success of the original were directed by Steven Spielberg though he had his name taken off the credits in each case because they were generally as good as finding flaky dog shit on your toothbrush after you’ve brushed your teeth.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

ELIZABETH BANKS SAYS STEVEN SPIELBERG HAS A STUPID CHIN

HOLLYWOOD – Today actress Elizabeth Banks accused Steven Spielberg of having a stupid chin.

Elizabeth Banks got in some trouble the other day when she claimed that Steven Spielberg had not made diverse enough movies. Specifically she referred to the fact that none of his movies featured female leads. Her pro-diversity stance was somewhat compromised by the fact she’d obviously meant white women because she’d forgotten The Color Purple, and grown white women because she’d also forgotten The BFG. Though to be fair, almost everyone else had as well.

Chin fully visible

Following an apology, Elizabeth Banks however then proceeded to launch another attack on the Jaws director saying that his chin was stupid.

I mean it might be, right? How do we know it isn’t stupid if we’ve never seen it. He’s had that beard, like forever. Why would someone wear a beard like that if he didn’t have something seriously wrong with his chin.

Social media was instantly flooded by pictures of an unbearded Spielberg but Banks was unrepentant. ‘He used to own slaves,’ she said, referring to a Studio Exec article from long ago. This article has since had its accuracy called into question: READ HERE.

She will next direct the first all-male Charlie’s Angels film.

JJ ABRAMS WORKING ON JAWS PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Following his success rejuvenating one 70s blockbuster, JJ Abrams is turning his attention to Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.

Hardly a day goes by without someone yelling: ‘where oh where is the Jaws prequel we’ve all wanted?’ Well, those souls can rest assured: JJ Abrams is on the case with his new film Amity. JJ popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to jaw about his new project.

We want to make Jaws but this time with an alternative timeline. What would have happened to Chief Brody (Hayden Christensen) and his family if there hadn’t been any shark. No attacks, no blood in the water. All the questions we can answer.

Such as?

When I first saw the original my big question was: who are these kids karate chopping the fences? What sort of investigation would that look like?

Amazing!

I know. And we get to see Quint (Will Ferrell) go into an alcohol induced coma, ironically the same day he would have been eaten by the shark.

Amity will be released in 2018.

LARRY VAUGHN TAKES LEAD IN THE POLLS

AMITY – Independent Presidential candidate Larry Vaughn looks set to steal the election from the two former favorites Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Following a week of scandals, outsider Larry Vaughn is about to pull off one of the biggest upsets in US political history. Despite criticisms of his ‘keeping the beaches open’ policy, the former mayor of Amity leads all the polls by seven points. Florida is the latest state to topple for Vaughn, but Arizona, Nevada and Idaho are expected to follow suit on Tuesday.

His running mate Walter Peck told the Studio Exec that Larry Vaughn is leading a movement:

People are just so mad about mainstream politicians always talking down to them. Donald Trump grabbing pussy and Hillary Clinton’s shenanigans turn people off. But Larry tells is how it is.

With his anti-vandalism policy – ‘Hang them up by their Buster Browns!’ – and his support of small business, Vaughns speaks to the hopes and aspirations of a middle class  who feel Washington has let them down. At his rallies, Vaughners dress in anchor themed jackets and chant ‘You Yell Shark! You Yell Shark!’, often drowning out Vaughn’s speeches. The rhetoric is often fiery though short on policy detail, other than the much repeated refrain of ‘I’m not going to stand here and see that thing cut open and see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock.’

For more on Larry Vaughn’s meteoric rise to power, CLICK HERE.

TOP SPIELBERG FILMS BILLY ZANE-D BY JAMES CAMERON

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the new trend that is taking over Hollywood and all of Steven Spielberg’s films have now been Billy Zane-d.

To Zane a movie is to digitally insert Billy Zane into a film in order to ‘heighten dramatic tension.’ The first Zaned movie was Titanic. What many people don’t know about James Cameron’s 1997 disaster movie is that Billy Zane was never actually a regular member of the cast. The film had been shot in its entirety but test screenings showed that audiences found the boat v iceberg story less than gripping.

James Cameron takes up the story:

The unsinkable ship versus the immovable obstacle: the iceberg! We thought we had the whole kit and shebang, but it turned out that audiences needed more dramatic tension. Who knew? So we digitally inserted Billy Zane in the role of Cal and we gave him a gun. Just to make the Titanic seem a little more dangerous.

Billy Zane has been introduced into every Steven Spielberg film by James Cameron using ‘Avatar’ technology. Cameron told the Studio Exec:

Jaws will be much scarier with Zane on the boat, conspiring to steal diamonds. And imagine how creepy Duel is now that Zane is driving the truck. And Schindler’s List! You thought the Nazis were bad but here comes Zane with a small pistol and a thin mustache.

The Zaned Steven Spielberg collection will be available on Blu-Ray in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

WALTER PECK ENDORSES LARRY VAUGHN

NEW YORK – The former minor functionary of New York and leader of the Tea Party Walter Peck has endorsed Larry Vaughn in a move which looks likely to strengthen his candidacy.

Walter Peck first came to national prominence during the ‘Ghostbusters scandals’ of the mid-Eighties in which large parts of downtown New York were infested by paranormal entities which were busted by a crew of unlicensed undead pest control merchants. Peck was then working for the Environmental Protection Agency. Although his role in the affair was unclear, Peck soon began to climb the ladder of the civil service before moving into politics and finally becoming a spokesperson for the Tea Party movement.

He spoke with the Studio Exec about Larry Vaughn and his endorsement:

What you have in government at the moment is a complete unbridled usurpation of power from the citizens of this country. We need to take back the country and Larry Vaughn is the man to do it. He is the man who is not afraid to do the risky thing if it means promoting the economic welfare of his people. He is the man who in crisis thinks about the concerns of the bankers and the businessmen before he does the safety of the people and the children. He is a man who’s not afraid to yell barracuda, but who will never yell shark.

For more on Vaughn 2016, CLICK HERE.

 

LARRY VAUGHN WINS NEVADA

NEVADA – Larry Vaughn has won the Nevada caucus beating front runners Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio in what is being described as a stunning upset for the GOP.

The Nevada victory is the first that Larry Vaughn has registered having polled so poorly that he was not even featured in the televised Republican Debates. Larry Vaughn first came to national prominence as Mayor of the small island town of Amity in the 1970s. His leadership was called into question after he insisted on keeping the beaches open despite a series of deadly shark attacks. When quized about the attacks and the fact that they might damage his campaign he responded to reporters:

Love to prove that wouldn’t you. get your name in the National Geographic.

Running on a platform of stopping vandalism – ‘especially kids karate chopping fences’ – and climate skepticism – ‘You say sunscreen on the Fourth of July, and you’ve got panic!’ – Vaughn has come to prominence largely because of the paucity of serious candidates. One Nevada voted told the Studio Exec:

At least we know that Larry Vaughnis friend to the businessman. He’ll do his darnedest to keep tourism going no matter what the dangers. He doesn’t like the Richard Dreyfuss type of snooty intellectual. All those things sit well with me. And who else am I going to vote for Donald Trump? If I’m going to vote for a fictional character I might as well go hog wild.

However, President Vaughn is by no means a foredrawn conclusion. Mrs Kitner is only one of many voices who still hold against his candidacy, branding Vaughn untrustworthy when it comes to issues such as integrity and defending bathing children from shark attack.

Image provided by good friend to the Studio Exec @BetterDuck

For more political news on the progress of Larry Vaughn’s Presidential Bid CLICK HERE.

 

IS SPIELBERG SECRETLY FILMING JAWS 19?

HOLLYWOOD – Rumours are swirling on social media that Steven Spielberg is currently filming Jaws 19: Jaws in Space.

An anonymous source at London’s Pinewood Studios called our office and gave us an exclusive insight into this mysterious movie. Below is an edited transcript of that conversation.

Can you tell us who you are?

Er, no. Well you see I’m famous and if Spielberg finds out he’ll get all Munich on my ass. I’ll make up a name, er, Harrison Fjord.

Are you Scandinavian?

No, I’m Irish Catholic. Ah shit. I mean yes, sure, I’m from Finland.

So Harry, what can you tell us about Jaws in Space?

It’s going to be amazing. I’ve seen about 30 minutes of footage and it’s shaping up to be a masterpiece.

Can you reveal any plot details?

Sure. I play High Chief Martin Brody, the commander of the Amity colony on the Planet Quint 91753. We get a distress call from a nearby moon about a Great White Shark that swims through the universe devouring entire galaxies and it’s on a direct course for our planet.

Wow, so you have to fight him off?

Exactly. First this huge shark sends out smaller shark to attack cities and they all get destroyed. Only Amity remains and so we gather our forces and take the fight to him.

Amazing. How do you eventually kill it?

I’m not sure but I have seen the props department building a 500ft stick of dynamite so maybe that plays a part.

Sounds like it might. Is there anything else you can tell us?

Only that it’s going to be in 3D and Jennifer Lawrence is…ah Christ, Spielberg’s coming and he looks pissed. I’ve got to go.

JAWS 19 IS DUE FOR RELEASE IN 2017

BEN WHISHAW OPENS UP ABOUT HIS FEAR OF SHARKS

HOLLYWOOD – Talented British actor Ben Whishaw is absolutely terrified of Sharks, he revealed to the Studio Exec today.

Although his hi-tech boffin Q is preparing to arm James Bond in the upcoming Spectre, British actor Ben Whishaw has confessed to an irrational phobia of sharks. He popped round to the Studio Exec Penthouse to explain himself more fully.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been morbidly terrified of sharks. If I’m in the ocean swimming and I say the tell tale dorsal fin of a Great White, or a Hammerhead Shark coming in my direction, I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I just begin to shake and my heart starts to race and I get this irresistible urge to get out of the water.

That’s terrible. What do you think caused it?

When I was a child, we would always go on beach holidays to Cornwall, first with my family and then with an elderly aunt. I was swimming with my brother and he started to make the music from Jaws, with his mouth. Du-num, du-num etc. You know John Williams. Of course it kind of freaked me out but just then a shark swam up from the depths and took his leg off below the knee. I don’t know if it was that, or perhaps it was the music but ever since then I’ve really felt uncomfortable being in the water while sharks swim near me.

The 35 year old actor first came to prominence as the poet Keats in Jane Campion’s Bright Star. Since then he has had roles in Cloud Atlas, The Danish Girl and most famously as Q in Skyfall. However, he hasn’t let his debilitating phobia effect his career.

The thing is there are roles I would have to turn down. Sharknado for instance. But even then I hear they use CGI sharks and I’m not at all scared of them at all. I mean they can’t hurt you, can they?

How about socially in Hollywood? How does it feel to be openly sharkphobic?

Elasmophobia is the technical term, but I feel fine about it. Once I opened up about my problem, I was amazed by the flood of support and messages that came from many people who suffer from the same fear. It turns out that almost everybody in Hollywood is elasmophobic except for Gary Busey. There are groups that meet and talk about it and there are even therapists who get you to confront your fears and swim with the sharks, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.

Spectre will be released on 5 November, 2015.

HIDDEN GEMS: 8. JAWS

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. You’re welcome. This week Jaws.

In Jaws, a sleepy seaside community is terrorized by kids karate chopping fences. Fortunately, a shark turns up. This little known revenge of nature drama sunk without trace when it was first released in 1975, partly because of its ponderously simplistic score by classical guitarist John Williams.
Either Rob Schnieder or Roy Scheider or Rod Steiger plays Chief Brody, a water phobic New York cop new to the job of policing on an island. And yet it falls to him to defend a community not only from the shark but its own venal short-sightedness. Shark Fisherman Quint (Robert Shaw) and oceanographer Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) are the unlikely allies who join him to hunt and kill the Great White. The commercial and critical failure of the film condemned promising TV director Steven Spielberg to a lifetime of obscure historical dramas such as 1941, Amistad and Jurassic Park.
The comedy shark – nicknamed Bruce – however was the only cast member to make a real impact and went on to star in a number of sequels, including an appearance (as himself) in Finding Nemo
 

NEW JAWS MOVIE TO BE FROM SHARK’S POINT OF VIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Following its recent 40 year anniversary, Steven Spielberg’s Jaws is to be remade with an interesting twist: telling the same story but entirely from the shark’s point of view.

I, Jaws will be directed by Alfonso Cuarón and will be an exact retelling of the original film, set in the waters surrounding Amity in the early seventies, but taken entirely from Jaws’ perspective.

The swimmers will be menaced and the Chief Brody, Matt Hooper and Quint will try to kill the shark but we will see all the action from the water. Cuarón came down to the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the project:

I’m very interested in telling familiar story from a different perspective. And once you start thinking about it, this terrifying tale of the unknown and unknowable becomes totally different if you take Jaws as our main character and try to understand his experience and his feelings and motivations. Maybe he just wanted to be friends. Maybe every time he tried to grab someone, the naked swimmer, the guy in the little boat he was just trying to say hello and then they’d start screaming and hollering and the water would turn red.

But how will it work? I mean a lot of the original film takes place away from the shark.

Exactly. We think the killing is at the center of the shark’s life but of course it isn’t. The shark has other issues. He doesn’t remember his father. He was abandoned and feels this immense loneliness. But he also has the wonderful capacity to appreciate the beauty of the ocean. The starry nights. The shooting stars. The humans, with their splashing and their dogs and their floating mattress… they are the invaders and polluters of his realm. He sees them kill an innocent shark and hang it up on the dock. But despite this our ‘monster’ is forgiving. When he hears the men singing on the Orca, he bangs on the side of the boat with his snout, in rhythm with the song. He wants to sing with the men, bond with them.

I, Jaws will be released in 2016.

QUINT: WORST. SHARK. FISHERMAN. EVER!

AMITY – Steven Spielberg received a letter in 1975, following the release of the first blockbuster Jaws, from the head of the Professional Institute of Shark Hunters (PISH).

Here printed in full and EXCLUSIVE is the letter sent to Steven Spielberg by the head of PISH Ben Gardener:

Dear Mr. Spielberg,

I have just viewed your motion picture JAWS and while on a personal level I found much to recommend it – exciting and thrilling are two words I used to describe it to my wife – on a professional level as the Chairman for the Professional Institute of Shark Hunters (PISH) it pains me to inform you that I must object to the depiction of our profession in the person of the character named Bartholomew QUINT. He is possibly the worst portrait ever of a shark fisherman and so manifest are his failings that I feel I need to enumerate them for you.

1. No shark fisherman of any character would stop a town meeting and draw attention to himself by scraping his fingernails down a blackboard. This is simply not done in civilized society and shark fishermen are first and foremost gentlemen.

2. Quint’s offer to find the shark for $3000, but only to kill him for $10,000 is tantamount to blackmail and is not the way shark fishermen conduct business. We have a list of prices that are published.

3. Quint’s disrespect for the Chief of Police and Matt Hooper of the Oceanic Institute are not characteristic of the shark fishermen I know.

4. We do not indulge in ‘bawdy’ or ‘ribald’ singing. Although I will admit to a partiality to the music of Sammy Davis Jr.

5. Quint’s drinking of alcohol on the job is deplorable and his littering likewise. His obviously inebriated state at a later stage in the evening sees him make several errors in judgement.

6.  Smash one’s own radio whilst in the middle of a ferocious shark attack seems beyond all rational sense. To begin with those things are expensive and there is an off switch if you really don’t want to be disturbed. It would have been far more sensible of Quint to have actually used the radio to call for some assistance.

7. To chase the shark out to sea rather than towards the coast where it could be beached shows a foolishness that beggars belief. Even Chief Brody seems to be more aware of how to kill a shark than your $10,000 dollar hunter.

8. That is not how you tie a sheep shank.

9. Destroying the boat’s engine and causing it to explode and sink the Orca is once more suicidal stupidity that has no place in the competent shark fisherman’s locker of talents.

10. Finally one simply does not under any circumstances slide into the mouth of the shark one is trying to kill. Hand to hand combat with a machete never ends well for the shark fisherman and there’s no use spitting blood over it, it’s simply a FACT.

So Mr. Spielberg it isn’t often that our profession get any exposure in the media, but I have to say you have done us a singular disservice,

Yours Sincerely,

Ben Gardner

For more on Jaws CLICK HERE.

 

GREAT WHITE SHARK ATTACKS TO MARK JAWS 40TH ANNIVERSARY

HOLLYWOOD – A school of great white sharks have been released into the oceans in a badly thought out attempt to mark the 40th anniversary of the release of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.

Forty years ago today, the most ominous four bar intro in cinema history broke the surface of the collective subconscious and Jaws has been terrifying swimmers ever since. Universal have decided to mark the occasion not only with a limited release of the original film, but also by releasing several ferocious Great White sharks into the water over the weekend. These sharks have been bred in captivity and the hope is that up and down the Eastern seaboard the sharks will be expected to attack bathers at a number of surprise locations, re-enacting the terror of the film. But don’t worry, Richard Dreyfuss, John Milius and Steven Spielberg are also setting sale in a replica boat based on the Orca to shoot barrels into the sharks and hopefully kill them before the death count gets too high.

We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Richard Dreyfuss:

Of course, ideally we would love to have Robert Shaw and Roy Schieder here beside me, but John Milius helped rewrite one of the most iconic scenes in the film Jaws and Steven Spielberg made his name as a director, directing it. He is also I’m pleased to say, an excellent shot.

But what about the risk someone might get hurt?

That’s the beautiful thing. You see legally once we release the sharks we’re no longer legally culpable for anything they do. Best case scenario they kill a nude swimmer, a boating instructor, a little boy, a dog and perhaps Ben Gardner Jr., who we’ve persuaded to put in harm’s way, just to get into the spirit of the original, filmed all those year’s ago.

And what do you say to animal rights groups who object to what is essentially a contrived blood sport?

Oh f*ck them. I didn’t get to play Mr. Holland in Mr. Holland’s Opus by listening to every nay-sayer and whinger who fluttered across my transom. No sir! And if any of them try to stop us Milius will go Conan  on their asses. To be honest, I think the sharks are going to have a good chance. I plan to smash the radio equipment the moment I can and we’ve made the new Orca incredibly brittle. I predict by Sunday afternoon one of us is going to be spitting blood while the machete drops from their lifeless fingers! Ha ha!

For more on Jaws CLICK HERE.