NBC has announced it will not be renewing gerbil faced former comedian Jay Leno’s Tonight Show contract when it expires in summer 2014.
The Internet is already buzzing with speculation as to who will replace Jay with some media outlets suggesting that imbecile for hire Jimmy Fallon has already secured the gig; but the Studio Exec has received an e-mail from an anonymous source at NBC claiming that Fallon is by no means the first choice and there are a number of other potential candidates for the coveted job.
Here are just some of the names on that highly confidential list:
English might not be his first, or even his fourth language but Conan would make up in gravitas and sheer physical presence what he lacks in delivery. Also, Hollywood stars tend to be more open and amiable guests when threatened with the possibility of decapitation.
George W. Bush
The Ex president has been making millions on the public speaking circuit but would relish the opportunity to return to a position of power. His witty monologues about how he plunged America into the biggest financial crisis in history and how he conspired with Saudi Oil Barons to plot the destruction of the world trade centre are bound to delight audiences. Make Dick Cheney band leader and you’ve got instant TV gold.
It makes sense to replace an unfunny, ageing white male mysteriously beloved by millions of American twinkie sucking couch potatoes with an unfunny, slightly younger white male mysteriously beloved by millions of American twinkie sucking couch potatoes. Sudeikis easily fits the template but Bill Hader, Charlie Day or indeed, Jimmy Fallon would also suffice.
A controversial choice but Mel would not be afraid to ask the difficult questions such as “ Steven Spielberg, why did you kill Christ?”, “Woody Allen, why did you exaggerate the Holocaust?” and Joe Eszterhas “ Why the f*ck did you send me this S*tty f*cking script you no good Hungarian C*nt!”
Best of the rest:
A bottle nosed dolphin
A Philadelphia cheese steak
A pile of used tissues