JASON STATHAM IS PHIL COLLINS IN THINK TWICE

HOLLYWOOD – Jason Statham to play Phil Collins in a new biopic.

The British hard man, martial artist and multi-linguist (Cockney and Merican) Jason Statham is not only lined up to play Indiana Jones in a forthcoming adventure (for more on that CLICK HERE) but has just landed the role of prog-rock drummer turned soulster Phil Collins in the biopic Think Twice. 

The long-awaited biopic, directed by Harold Ramis, will chart the rise and rise of the drummer of Genesis. It will follow his solo career that brought us such hits as ‘In the Air Tonight’ and ‘Sussudio’. The film will also explore Collins’ movie career, best remembered for Buster. Collins said that he was delighted to be the subject of a film although, he remarked, ‘it isn’t as if my life has really been so extraordinary.’

Director Ramis agreed:

It isn’t like we have much to go on from an interest point of view. So we’re just going to make up some shit. We’re going to have Phil foiling an attempt to assassinate the Queen. Oh, and – during the recording of ‘Invisible Touch’ -he’ll have to restart his own heart a couple of times using a car battery. That was Jason’s suggestion.

Asked about the role he is to play, Statham looked nonplussed.

I’m not really sure about it, but my agent says it would be good to get out of this action rut and go for an Oscar like Whacky Phoenix did with Walk the Line. As for the music Phil has made, most of it has been absolute gash and the rest carries the stench of mediocrity. Especially that voice. Jesus Christ. It makes me want to vomit.

Given his star’s antipathy, why did Ramis cast Jason Statham in the role?

The hair. Or the lack thereof. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cough. Cough.

Think Twice opens sometime in 2022.

SNEAK PEEK AT RIDLEY SCOTT’S SHAFT

HOLLYWOOD – It’s not due out until late 2015 but the Studio Exec have been granted an EXCLUSIVE first look at Ridley Scott’s Shaft, starring Jason Statham.

Statham takes on the role of the iconic role of the seventies detective first made famous by Richard Rowntree in the 1971 cult classic. In 2000 Samuel L. Jackson’s remake was met with a mixed response. This time however, Ridley Scott, whose Exodus: Gods and Kings is in cinemas at the moment, believes he is on to a winning formula:

The problem with Shaft in the past is he was always black. If I’m take make a big budget  film, financing it off Irish tax credits and coupons that I clip from magazines, then I can’t go to the studio and say we’ve got Will (who he?) Smith or Denzel What’s-his-name? They’d laugh in my face. We didn’t even have that conversation. Actually since Prometheus we’ve been having a lot less conversation anyway.

Can you tell us something about the plot?

Thank god! Yes. I’d be more than happy to and at last get away from this ridiculous conversation about race. Okay. Where to start? Shaft is a private detective working in New York where he discovers a slavery ring alive and well in the Twenty First Century. The slave owner, known by the mysterious name Mr. Big, and his cohorts drug white girls and sell them as slaves to Arabs and Africans and the like.

That sounds racist.

What do you mean? Okay, so Jason is playing the main guy but there are lots of black actors in the cast.

Like who?

Well, Jamie Foxx is playing Mr. Big. And I’m hoping to get Danny Glover to play this really vicious psychopath who tries to kill Shaft’s twelve year old daughter.

Shaft will be released December 25, 2015.

THE EXPENDABLES DEPLOYED AGAINST ISIS

HOLLYWOOD – President Barack Obama has announced that he is to deploy the Expendables to Iraq to join the offensive against ISIS.

The President said that the force led by Sylvester Stallone would be the first troops on the ground, but as they are a mercenary force the move does not represent the return of a US presence. Stallone said that he was psyched at the opportunity:

Me, Jason Statham and Jet Li are going to lead the men into action for the first time. We’re a multi-national force and we’re all highly trained in weapons use and martial arts. Add to this Dolph Lundgren is classically trained in the Stanislavksi method and Mel Gibson is what we call a Berserker. At first the Studio was dead against our involvement, but after our film The Expendables 3 came out, the Studio changed their line. They must have realized how effective we’d be on the battleground. They couldn’t see us go fast enough.

Jason Statham says that the force will be inserted into the north of the country where the heaviest fighting is taking place. He insisted that:

… we are not there as some kind of entertainment troupe. We are there to fight. Many people criticize actors as just pretending all the time. Well, I can tell you, with these guys there’s very little acting going on. It’s all action.

The Expendables are already on route to Iraq where they will be joined by Mel Gibson who is already fighting at another location in the Middle East.

The Expendables 3 is in cinemas currently or available for illegal download.

 

 

EXPENDABLES 3 FLOPS BECAUSE ‘NOBODY WANTED TO SEE IT’

HOLLYWOOD – New Sylvester Stallone, Kelsey Grammer, Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Jason Statham, Ronda Rousey, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and Wesley Snipes film The Expendables 3 made not as many millions as expected because it is ‘kind of a geriatric vanity project that no one wanted to see.’

Although the first two Expendables films were commercially successful, the hits took the industry by surprise, with audiences responding to the nostalgic thrill of seeing superannuated muscle men from the eighties trying to knock each other silly. Sylvester Stallone decided to go for the trilogy:

I felt that if the first film made money and then the second film made more money, it was obvious to me that the third film would make even more money. I even added Han Solo and Braveheart to the cast, but if anything that seems to have been more of a problem. Luckily Wesley Snipes said he’s going to help us with our tax returns so that we can make more money.

Many industry observers have blamed the appearance of a pirated copy of the film on torrent sites which accidentally revealed how poor the film was before people had paid any money.

Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec:

Usually a rubbish film has the chance of snagging a bundle of money way before anyone realizes how awful it is. But with this pirated copy people were seeing it for free and then warning their friends not to see it. This kind of negative publicity is by far more damaging than the number of tickets unsold because people had already viewed the pirated copy.

Audiences were also put off by the presence of Jason Statham who no one likes.

The Expendables 3 is in cinemas now.

EXPENDABLES 3 KILL 6 PIRATES

HOLLYWOOD – In what is being regarded as an escalation in the battle between Studios and online piracy, The Expendables 3 have killed 6 alleged pirates who Lions Gate claim were responsible for uploading a stolen copy of the film and making it available for illegal download.

Continue reading “EXPENDABLES 3 KILL 6 PIRATES”

KUNG FU REMAKE

MELBOURNE – Moulin Rouge and Great Gatsby director Baz Luhrmann – everyone’s favorite subtlist – is set to direct the Kung Fu remake.

The original series ran from 1972 to 1975 and starred David Carradine as the wandering Caine (AKA Grasshopper), who wanders the West dispensing Eastern justice and searching for his long lost half brother.  The current script is by Black Swan writer John McLaughlin but according to a source close to Mr. Luhrmann ‘doesn’t feature enough dancing’.
Legendary Pictures, who are developing the project, have already stated that the action of the film version will be moved to China ‘for purposes of money authenticity’. An insider told us:

Luhrmann is a perfect fit. He is kinetic and vibrant and let’s face it he’s rubbish when it comes to drama. This kind of kitschy stuff is more up his alley.

Jason Statham and Leonardo di Caprio have already expressed interest in the role, but it is understood that Jonah Hill is currently Luhrmann’s preferred choice.   

Kung Fu remake will be released in 2017.

JASON STATHAM IS INDIANA JONES

 LONDON – Jason Statham is the new Indiana Jones.

British action star and hard man, Jason Statham is rumored to be on the brink of taking over one of the most iconic roles in cinema history – Indiana Jones – in a completely new series of films directed by George Lucas.

‘The fact of the matter is, although he was a great director, Steven dropped the ball on the last outing and so it’s time for the master to take over from the apprentice and steady the keel, so to speak,’ said the Executive Producer of Red Tails.

The new films will be set between Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Raiders of the Lost Ark and will go back to the spirit of the original Saturday morning serials that inspired the first outings, complete with authentic misogyny, homophobia and virulent racism. Lucas commented on the Statham rumors:

Nothing has been signed or confirmed so far, but I will say Jason is the complete package. He can obviously do the action. He’s a hilarious comic actor. And once he puts those glasses on, it’s like, “Woah! Dr. Archaeologist, where did Jason go? Have you seen him?” And Jason’s like “No, George, it’s me.” Don’t get me wrong. He’s no Hayden Christensen but few can aspire to those heights.   

Indiana Jones and the Rape of Your Childhood is due to start filming in July.