5 ACTORS WHO MISSED OUT ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

HOLLYWOOD – It’s hard enough to be an actor. Imagine how much harder it is knowing you were THIS CLOSE to that iconic role!

The following actors may have a career now … but they’d be icons had they not been runners-up on some amazing roles.

 


Nedry, JURASSIC PARK. 

Winner: Wayne Knight.    |   Loser: Andy Dick. 

That’s right. Hollywood’s hot mess, Andy Dick, was almost computer nerd Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Andy was the front runner, until he started licking Laura Dern, and sitting inappropriately on prop dinosaur tongues during a call-back.


Jason Bourne, THE BOURNE IDENTITY. 

Winner: Matt Damon.    |   Loser: Gary Busey. 

A fresh-faced (?) Gary Busey was slated to appear in the Bourne franchise. The original script wanted a world-weary, older Bourne looking back on his life, and trying to piece together the conspiracy that made him a killer. Unfortunately, Busey was, at the same time, trying to piece together his own conspiracy and schedules conflicted.


Bruce Wayne, BATMAN. 

Winner: Michael Keaton.    |   Loser: Johnny Depp. 

Tim Burton’s history with Johnny Depp almost had another credit, when Depp was slated to appear as Bruce Wayne. And, that was ultimately the problem. The role required Depp to play both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Depp was so unnerved at the sight of the Batman suit, he’d retreat to corners of the soundstage to “fear pee”, as one PA put it. So, the roll was recast.


Lara Croft, LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER. 

Winner: Angelina Jolie.    |   Loser: Jennifer Aniston. 

Brad Pitt wasn’t the only reason these two actresses don’t get along. Aniston was scheduled to appear as the voluptuous video game star, but at the last moment, Jolie had placed a blood curse on the beleaguered actress, who’s breasts deflated, as a result. The part was taken back from Aniston in favour of Jolie.


Gollum, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. 

Winner: Andy Serkis.    |   Loser: Clint Howard. 

Serkis made history for playing the part of a digitally-created character, but the original plan was to have an actor without visual effects. Clint Howard had a number of outstanding chemistry tests, and won the role. But, the look of him against the backdrop of New Zealand was so unsettling, Peter Jackson decided to go “less realistic” and made the character computer-generated.

For more FACTS click here. 

NOT ENOUGH MOVIES WITH A BLUE LIGHT GOING INTO THE SKY, AUDIENCES FEEL

HOLLYWOOD –  A new audience survey has revealed that the public actually wants more movies in which a blue light shines into the sky, usually opening a portal.

The Movier Goers Association of America (or MOGOAA) today published the results of a nation wide survey that proved that audiences wanted more movies in which a blue light is shone into the sky, usually above a city, usually to open a portal. The survey asked over seven thousand theatre goers for their disappointments and expectations. Frequently the results are used by studios to craft big budget entertainment that caters for the widest audience. MOGOAA spokesperson Ali Ppshaw explained the results to the Studio Exec:

The people have spoken and one thing they said is ‘more blue light shining into the sky please.’ This year we had the Suicide Squad but there was very little blue light shining in the sky action in films such as Jason Bourne and Snowden. Audiences have also demanded that movies include more thirty minute fight scenes at the end of movies when a team of disparate individuals finally learn to work together as a team to defeat a supermodel who can’t act.

What else did the survey find?

The public believe there is too much originality and there are a lot of people asking where the Manimal reboot is.

Manimal starring Will Ferrell will be released in 2018.

BOURNE V BOND GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of Jason Bourne and Spectre, the world’s most famous secret agents and to appear in a new film provisionally entitled Bourne v Bond.

Matt Damon and Daniel Craig today announced in a joint press conference that filming is to begin this month on Bourne v Bond, the first mash-up of the Robert Ludlum and Ian Fleming characters, James Bond and Jason Bourne, since Quantum of Solace.

Matt Damon speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec had this to say:

Anybody watching Jason Bourne had to see that we’ve run out of steam. I mean the first Bourne film was good and then the second and the third were great but basically the same film done over and so what more is there that we can do? I was talking to Paul Greengrass and he asked what would happen if Bourne met Bond and that was the point where the lights seemed to come on.

Daniel Craig nodded, smiling:

We were at the same point. We watched Spectre and we thought, Wow! That looks really tired. It’s like we put all the fun stuff in the first ten minutes and then everything else was just m’eh! So when Matt and Paul called Sam and I were just knocked out. We met in a hotel the four of us and had a real story conference and what we came up with I think will be very exciting.

What did you come up with?

MD: In the broadest possible terms, it goes like this. Bond is sent after Bourne because British intelligence believe he is a threat to their national security, But it turns out Bourne has been framed by Spectre and Treadstone and Bond and Bourne must join forces.

So they’ll fight.

DC: Yes, they will. There’ll be real animosity there, but they realize at the last minute that both their mothers were called Martha.

MD: Isn’t that just…?

Amazing!

DC: Yes.

Bourne v Bond will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

REAL LIFE JASON BOURNE SAYS MATT DAMON HAS FORGOTTEN HIM

COLORADO – The real life secret agent that inspired Richard Ludlum to write the Jason Bourne books today slammed Matt Damon for forgetting him.

Fifty seven year old Jason Bourne from Fort Collins, Colorado today lashed out at Matt Damon for his deliberate amnesia towards his contribution to the character that has made Mr Damon a star.

When Richard asked if he could use me as a model I said yes. I was actually pleased for him to research the past which I could remember only with difficulty and then when Matt Damon was cast in the original film, The Bourne Identity, he came over to see me and spent a day trying to get my walk right. It was difficult because my walk is actually quite strange.

Things changed however with the success of the franchise.

Jeremy Renner didn’t even write me an email and Matt Damon, I’ve not seen at all this time round. One phone call. One. And that was just to tell me to stop sending the parcels of food. It ain’t as if I want to go on the red carpet or get paid a lot of money. I just want my contribution to be recognized.

However, filmmaker Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon have both issued statements that Jason Bourne simply has the same name as the fictional agent and the 57 year old postal worker should cease harassing the production.

Jason Bourne will be released next week.

MATT DAMON DISCUSSES NEW BOURNE MOVIE AND REVEALS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon has discussed for the first time the new Bourne movie which he is to star in directed by Paul Greengrass.

After the mega-success of the Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon will play Bourne for the fourth time, following a less successful incarnation The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner, which existed in the same universe but did not feature Jason Bourne.  Matt Damon dropped by the Studio Exec Jacuzzi to discuss the new film, to be entitled The Bourne Austerity:

We’re still in very early stages, but I can tell you some stuff.  The first Bournes were very much a result of the Bush presidency and so we were in a War on Terror and black ops and that whole feeling of the US running rogue in the world. With Obama came a sense of hope, but now we have an austerity struck Europe and a US foreign policy that relies on massive surveillance which has also been used domestically.

So The Bourne Austerity is like a post-Snowden thriller?

Exactly. The film starts off in Greece where some of you might remember that Bourne actually helped run a scooter hire business. He’s gone back there where he used to be happy with his new girlfriend Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles). But Greece is defaulting on its loans and in the run up to a new bailout Jason Bourne is activated by Angela Merkel to take out Alex Tsipiras, the new Greek prime minister. Of course, Bourne realizes he is being used and turns against his masters once more. Then they send in Jeremy Renner as a cheap version of me – again the austerity theme – but because of Quantative Easing they finally manage to spend some money on destroying Greece and they send in Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) to finish the job. It’s very exciting at the end.

The Bourne Austerity will be released in 2017.

MOONRAKER 2 GREEN LIT AFTER LONG DELAY

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the sequel everyone wanted but which was delayed for over three decades: Moonraker 2 is happening.

Made in 1979, the Science Fiction spy movie Moonraker was a commercial and critical success on its release and plans for a Moonraker 2 were quickly made.

A studio insider explains what happened next:

Everyone wanted to make number two but there were some problems. First of all no one really made sequels in the seventies. They weren’t considered viable financially and the head of the studio at the time wasn’t keen on the main character – James Bond. He wanted Roger Moore to be replaced by James Coburn. He kept yelling, ‘Who believes in an ass kicking limey?’ Next Jaws (Richard Kiel), who had been an unknown when he appeared in the film, was now super busy because everyone was mistaking him with the shark from the Spielberg film. It was an obvious mistake but his agent was ruthless and had him signed up before anyone realized the error.

A script had been written but it was shelved indefinitely.

It was a really pity. I thought that we could have done something with this character. I said it could have been a new Our Man Flint, but they wouldn’t have it. Roger went off to do other things and time passed. It was only because I was eating in a small restaurant on the Cote d’Azure that I just happened to bump into Roger. We got talking, and drank some wine and what do you know? We’re back in production.

What will the new film be like?

We’re not looking to reinvent the wheel here. It will have exactly what appealed so much about the original. And older man ogling some young beauties, some espionage, a glass shop getting smashed, a motorized gondola and a battle in space. I’m pitching it as Gravity meets Jason Bourne meets Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

Moonraker 2 will be released in 2017. 

MATT DAMON ON FOR THE BOURNE REMUNERATION

HOLLYWOOD – Universal have announced that the next Bourne film will be directed by Paul Greengrass and star Matt Damon and will be titled The Bourne Remuneration.

The news comes as a surprise as a follow up to Tony Gilroy’s The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner had already been announced and even calendared. The Hurt Locker actor today told journalists that he was ‘devastated’, saying:

When I and Tony were making The Bourne Supremacy there was all this bad feeling going around but I thought we’d got over that and made a really good film. I know it wasn’t exciting, or interesting and it really didn’t make much sense all told, nor was it commercially as big a hit as we hoped, but I was in it and so that bit was good.

Paul Greengrass said that The Bourne Remuneration will follow on from The Bourne Supremacy’ as if nothing had ever happened’.

That other film is now going to be reissued in a special collector’s edition, re-titled as The Bourne Irrelevancy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Can you tell us something about the story?

Yes. The Bourne Identity introduced us to Jason Bourne and the whole black op program known as Blackstone. The Bourne Ultimatum and The Bourne Supremacy carried that story on to its natural conclusion. The Bourne Remuneration sees Jason Bourne returning to his ordinary life and settling into a bureaucratic job and raising a family. Matt is very keen to add something about fracking but I’m not sure I’m that interested in the subject. Anyway, Bourne still sometimes uses his skills as a super agent to do things like find a parking space or work out what is the quickest line at the supermarket, but that’s about it. Then two government agents who have gone rogue – Tony Pilfroy and Jeremy Rimmer – decide that they have to kill him because they want to be better than him. Pilfroy doesn’t even know how to direct a movie, I mean be a spy, but he still tries to compete with Bourne. Poor Rimmer is just his patsy.

Wow. That sounds a little like…

No it has nothing to do with that. But I’m really excited because I wrote the movie instead of letting some Gilroy like character at it. This means that it’ll be original and interesting.

So what happens?

Rimmer and Pilfroy try and kill Bourne but only succeed in knocking him out. When he comes too, he has completely lost his memory. So he just begins The Bourne Identity again as if nothing had ever happened. It’s a bit like Groundhog Day but with guns and stabbing people with pens.

The Bourne Remuneration will be released in 2016.