BREAKING NEWS – It will come as no surprise to anyone who has seen Ridley Scott’s House Of Gucci that Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their ‘International Spokesperson’ and ‘Pasta Sauce Ambassador’ earlier today. The Exec caught up with the actor and the Mars Incorporated subsidiary Public Relations to find out exactly why Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their leading man.
Please Tell Us Why Dolmio Confirmed Jared Leto As Their International Spokesperson?
Dolmio PR (DPR): Don’t forget that he’s also our Pasta Sauce Ambassador. We wanted someone who we think can bring our wholesome, great tasting, authentic Italian styled food across to a huge, international consumer base on a global basis, crossing demographics worldwide. So, when we saw House OF Gucci, we just thought Jared was our man from the get-go.
Jared Leto (JL): Plus they’re paying me an obscene amount of money to do so. Far more obscene than anything I’ve ever been alleged to have done with anyone…
DPR: (Whispers in Jared’s ear with their hand over the microphone)
JL: Although I must stress the word alleged. Nobody has managed to prove a fucking thing yet. Out of court settlements baby. YEAH!
Jared, What Attracted You To The Dolmio Brand?
JL: Well, I was prepping for House Of Gucci like a mofo, ya dig? I was snorting lines of arrabbiata sauce. I had olive oil for blood. My skin was parmesan cheese. But I just couldn’t nail the accent down. And then I saw this British sit-com called ‘Allo ‘Allo. Have you seen it? It’s like this hyper-real deal set in France during WWII. There was this Italian soldier called Captain Alberto Bertarelli and his accent was the tits. I tell you man, it was out of this fucking world. I started copying that and badda-bing! Before you know it, I’m like Bobby De Niro, talking Italian. Italy is in my blood now. And of course, don’t forget the money.
What Will You Be Doing For Dolmio?
JL: I’ll be playing a real family man, capiche? I got the accent and dialogue all locked down like a pro. All you have to do is start and finish every word you say with an A. It’s so fucking easy. Here, let me get into character and demonstrate-
DPR: This interview is over.
JL: Whatsamatteryou? Hey? Goddanorespect!
House Of Gucci Is Currently Showing In Cinemas
Hollywood – The movie world is reeling today after Al Pacino removed glasses from his eyes upon the heartless instructions of blood thirsty journalists. The incident took place at the New York premiere of Ridley Scott’s latest film, House Of Gucci. Onlookers were stunned as Al Pacino removed glasses, complying with the vicious demands from baying journalists and photographers. Lady Gaga, who is starring alongside Pacino in the movie, tore into the photographers in a four letter-filled tirade of abuse.
Al Pacino Removed Glasses WTAF!
The nightmarish scene played out in full view of movie fans, A-listers and journalists alike. Cuddly Al, was wearing his customary cool shades, so photographers ordered him to remove them. Upon taking his glasses off, Lady Gaga who was with him on the red carpet, unleashed a foul-mouthed rebuke. ‘You put those fucking glasses back on your face Al. Hey you. Yeah, you. Who the fuck do you think this is? He’s Al Fucking Pacino you piece of shit. Why don’t you come up here and let’s go a few rounds. Bafangu, you lousy mook.’
Lady GaGa then leaped from the red carpeted stage into the crowd of photographers, throwing kicks and punches indiscriminately while shouting, ‘Who wants it? Have it, you pieces of shit.’ Then a group of well-rehearsed publicists pulled her out of the melee. Meanwhile another group of well-rehearsed publicists distributed cash amongst the injured and bleeding paparazzi.
Oh Shit, It’s Jared Leto
Those close by swore they could hear Al Pacino say upon removing his glasses, ‘Wait a minute, is that Jared Leto? Because I thought they said Jay Leno. Was I just in a picture with that wrong’un?’ Then he put his glasses back on and spent the entire premiere sat at the back of the theatre with his arms folded. Those nearby could hear him muttering about his ‘fucking agent’ and ‘Joe Pesci’s got the right fucking idea’.
House Of Gucci Is Now On General Release
Jared Leto’s Highschool Inspector disguise is actually his costume and makeup from the new film House Of Gucci. The Oscar winning actor was found roaming school corridors, claiming to be an inspector. But when Jared Leto’s Highschool Inspector disguise was questioned further, he claimed he was ‘doing research for a book’.
Jared Leto’s Highschool Inspector Disguise “Totally Not Creepy”
Representatives for the actor advised that he was innocently doing research for a book. But when The Exec asked what the book was about, they struggled to answer. “It’s um, a book about um… HIGHSCHOOL, yeah that’s it. All perfectly innocent. It’s totally not creepy at all.”
There’s Madness In The Method
The Exec then pressed his representatives on why he was using his costume and makeup from House Of Gucci, in which he plays Paolo Gucci. “He thought it would be funny. And he was researching a part in a new film. You know what these method actors are like, they love pretending they’re someone else. They also love sneaking in and out of places undetected. So, the fact you’re questioning his research for a new role isn’t actually that cool, man.”
Didn’t You Say He Was Writing A Book?
“He can do both at the same time, if he wants to. He’s researching a role about someone who writes about being in Highschool, dressed as a middle aged man. God. What’s so difficult to understand about that? And again, it’s totally not creepy at all. It’s all completely innocent. We must stress the word ‘innocent’. We can’t say the word ‘INNOCENT’ often enough. And of course any out of court settlements that happen to be made are in no way any indication of guilt or liability. Because there’s nothing to be guilty about. Or liable for. So that’s all cleared up nicely.”
What Is The Title OF The Film Jared Is Researching?
“Oh my god! What’s that behind you? You should totally look behind you right now. You’ll never see anything like this EVER AGAIN!” Jared Leto’s representatives then jumped out of the window and ran away.
HOUSE OF GUCCI IS RELEASED IN NOVEMBER.
HOLLYWOOD – Instagram model Jared Leto will star in a remake of the 80s rom-com fantasy, Mannequin.
The Dallas Buyers Club and Suicide Squad star, Jared Leto will star in the Mannequin remake. With Ron Howard to direct.
Jared, lead singer in the K-Pop band ’24 Hours From Tulsa’ has been announced as the star in Howard’s remake of the much loved 80s comedy, Mannequin. The press release from Howard’s production company, Imagine Entertainment reads as follows:
“We are delighted to announce that Ron will direct a remake of Mannequin, starring Jared Leto in the title role. Obviously, when the Mannequin comes to life we’ll be getting in another actor to do all the tricky acting stuff. But when he’s just being a mannequin, there’s nobody better. Because he can hang clothes off his shoulders better than anyone. Steve Guttenberg will play the Andrew McCarthy role, so we have the age thing about right, we don’t want it getting creepy or anything.
Ron’s been so lucky with the films he directed over the years for the studios. It’s time to give something back. So, what better way to help out everyone than to keep Jared busy and away from your favourite franchises.
Jared tried destroying Blade Runner and the DC Universe (not that they need any help fucking up that barrel of frogs). So if Ron can keep Jared busy for a few months on pre-production and the shoot, that’s good. But then he’ll make sure there’s reshoots and six months doing a worldwide press tour. By then, Ron figured he’s about square for those Da Vinci movies and that last season of Arrested Development.”
Mannequin starts shooting later this year.
HOLLYWOOD – Hugh Heffner is to star as Jared Leto in a new biopic.
Rush Hour director Brett Ratner will direct the planned project about the Fight Club actor Jared Leto. He’s reportedly had his sights set on a biopic of Leto since 2007. The film is now in early development at Ratner’s production company.
“Hef is an old friend,” Ratner said. “When he heard I got the rights to Leto’s story, he told me, ‘I want to play him. I want to understand him.’ And I really believe Hef can do it. He’s one of the great actors of today… My goal is to do the motion picture as an event.”
Hef’s casting has been in the works for a while – back in April, Ratner invited Hef to the Leto Mansion for the premiere of Amazon’s docuseries His Band Sucks: The Jared Leto Story. Ratner hoped to introduce Leto to Hefner that evening, knowing that he would play him in the film, but due to Leto’s irritating arrogance it wasn’t possible.
“There’s enough footage on Jared out there that Hef will be able to get as much information as he wants,” Ratner said.
Leto will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sends in the FACT squad to run the Voight-Kampff test on the new Blade Runner 2049.
Denis Villeneuve’s follow up to Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec FACT squad has been on the job – though one of them got fried running through an electric field. So here are the 5 FACTS they uncovered.
One. The whole of Blade Runner 2049 takes place at eleven minutes to nine PM.
Two. Following his success in LaLa Land, Ryan Gosling will sing the theme song ‘Tears in Rain’ over the opening titles as well as the song ‘Is this to test whether I’m a Replicant (or a lesbian)?’ also known as Blade Runner Love Theme.
Three. The cast for Blade Runner 2049 includes Harrison Ford from the original, as well as Jared Leto, David Letterman, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Melissa McCarthy.
Four. Although not directing the film, Ridley Scott has been part of the creative team though scriptwriter Hampton Fancher has said that his contribution consisted solely of demanding ‘a shit load of unicorns.’ This demand has been fully satisfied. Hampton told the Exec: ‘You’ve never seen this many unicorns on film at the same time.’
Five. Whereas in the original there was an ambiguity as to which character was a replicant, in the new film the Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has insisted that there will be a more radical ambiguity. ‘We will suggest that not only are ALL the characters replicants, but also the audience and the filmmakers. Everybody and everything is artificial. Philip K. Dick, I feel would have approved.’
HOLLYWOOD – Suicide Squad actor Jared Leto today wore a green coat causing the world to semi-implode.
He’s the new joker, he’s in a disappointing film, but Jared Leto isn’t happy unless he’s wearing a green coat, the Studio Exec revealed today.
The actor told the Studio Exec about his controversial life defining choice:
I saw this coat that I liked. It was green. Firstly I really like the color green and so I bought it. I saw it at a fashion show. Then I said I really like that coat and it turned out it was for sale and I had enough money to buy it. After buying it I decided to wear it.
The Suicide Squad is in cinemas.
HOLLYWOOD – David Ayer the director of DC Comics Suicide Squad said today that he never reads reviews.
Talking from his apartment filled with cuttings from all the trades and print outs of all the internet reviews, David Ayer said he never reads reviews and anyway he doesn’t care what the critics say. He asserted that he doesn’t make movies for the critics, he makes them for the fans.
I don’t care what they say. I mean what do critics know about films anyway. They’re the same critics who took a shit on Mall Cop 2 and Jersey Girl which are now being hailed modern classics. Actually the reviews for Suicide Squad might be really good. I don’t know because I don’t read them. Never have. I make it for the fans.
What if the fans don’t like the film?
Then I’ll make films for the magical people who live in my head.
Suicide Squad stars Will Smith, Margot Robbie and Jared Leto as the Joker.
HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch is the latest star to sign up for Clickbait: the Movie, which combines the Marvel, DC and Star Wars universes featuring the music of One Direction.
The movie – directed by Twin Peaks director David Lynch and Steven Spielberg – is based on a George RR Martin‘s lost book in his Game of Thrones saga. The large cast features Scarlett Johansson, Kristen Stewart, Tom Hiddleston, Lindsay Lohan, Tom Hardy, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConaughey, Angelina Jolie, Michael Fassbender, Christian Bale, Jared Leto, Gywneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt. George Clooney is in talks but Bruce Jenner looks set to take on his role. The official synopsis reads:
Based on the life of Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the 5 most outrageous facts, you’ve ever heard about anything, Clickbait: the Movie was originally conceived when a twelve year old asked Noam Chomsky and Stephen Hawking what is the meaning of life. You won’t believe what happened next!
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and Rihanna! Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr!
ClickBait: The Movie will be released in 2018.
In return for a bottle of gin and some previously unseen photos of Angela Lansbury, The Studio Exec has gained exclusive access to the diaries of veteran thespian Sir Edwin Fluffer. Here we are proud to present selected highlights from his many lows of 2014…
Jan 1st Some unusually good news to start the year: Kirk Douglas phoned to say that our long awaited remake of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane is back on! Saul Zaentz has said he’ll produce and Kirk’s daughter in law has promised to drop him off at the studio when she takes the kids to school.
Jan 3rd Saddened to hear that Saul Zaentz has passed away. I still remember when he fired me from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest! Jack Nicholson absolutely insisted that an American Indian play the Chief, and you have to admire his eye for detail.
Jan 27th Last day of filming on The Expendables 3. I don’t mind admitting that I had a bit of trouble keeping up with some of younger chaps on this shoot. Dear old Arnie does make me laugh: he’s insisting on playing the part with an Austrian accent! Sly says that if I’m still alive for part 4 he’ll make sure there’s a scene for me which is very sweet of him. His mother’s as ravishing as ever and still has all her own thighs.
Feb 1st Kirk phoned to say that Sid Caesar’s signed for Baby Jane. Haven’t seen him since I was dropped from Your Show of Shows. I still maintain that the words that I was alleged to have used were grossly misreported, and in my defence I didn’t even know that Mel Brooks was Jewish. Mel and I are great pals now of course, but try as I might I can’t persuade him to take Spaceballs to Broadway.
Feb 12th Sad to hear that Sid Caesar’s died. I think that I played him in that bio-pic of Julius Caesar that Billy Shakespeare did the screenplay for. Brando was in it and little Johnny Gielgud. People used to rave about him, but I thought he mumbled terribly.
Feb 23rd Apparently my scenes have been cut from Dallas Buyers Club: I’m furious, I was on nothing but Slim Fast for a fortnight to get into that costume.
Jared Leto never forgave me for that unfortunate incident in the make up trailer, but in my defence it was quite dark in there.
GOTHAM – Jack Nicholson is set to reprise his iconic performance as the Joker in the new DC Comics film Suicide Squad.
News broke over Gotham late last night, putting paid to the notion that Jay Leno and Jared Leto had both been approached about the role, simply because they had the same initials.
David Ayers, the director of the super villains team movie said that he was delighted to have Jack Nicholson on board:
Nicholson is, was and will be a great Joker. This is going to make things really interesting, because he will bring with him the memories of the Tim Burton Batman films, but at the same time, now he’s a little longer in the tooth, there’s also the sense that this is a maturer Joker, a Joker who has perhaps learned a few lessons, a Joker who… Who am I kidding? This is Jack Nicholson, right? He’s going to be crazy!
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec, Jack Nicholson explained his thinking behind his decision:
At first I didn’t want to play the same part. I thought Heath Ledger did a splendid job, truly splendid. But then when David came and showed me the script, I thought this is truly wonderful. But still I can’t do it, I’m too old for this. Then I called Jennifer Lawrence and she said she loved comic book movies and next day I was in costume.
Suicide Squad will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – The world is breathing a collective sigh of relief after Oscar winning actor and ‘rock star’ Jared Leto solved the recent crisis that had risked bursting into open war between Russia and the beleaguered Eastern European country.
In a surprise visit to Kiev, Mr. Leto honored those who had fallen in the recent protests and also sat down with the parliamentary leaders and spoke on the telephone with Vladimir Putin:
It was tough at first because Mr. Putin was under the mistaken impression after watching Dallas Buyers Club that I was gay and he had a lot of very intimate questions which I did my best to answer. But once we’d cleared that up and got down to brass tacks, we had what I would call a very constructive conversation.
The Ukranian Prime Minister Yatsenyuk was full of praise for Jared Leto:
Initially we were skeptical and very resistant to some of Jared’s suggestions. We had watched the Oscars speech but had written it off as him just Brando-ing. But then he arrived and his group 5 Seconds to Mars played and all of our troubles were put into perspective. The threat of Russian aggression, the infiltration of right wing paramilitary groups, the economic difficulties of our people, all of this seemed as nothing compared to the urgent need to not have 5 Seconds to Mars play again in our country.
It is understood that the deal brokered by Leto will see Russia withdraw its troops and recognize the legitimacy of the new government in return for 5 Seconds to Mars not playing in Moscow. The Requiem for a Dream actor has now been contacted by the UN to help out in other trouble spots in the world and which will see a world tour of 5 Seconds to Mars playing in such places as the Occupied West Bank, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and the DMZ between North and South Korea.
DALLAS BUYERS CLUB: REVIEW- This is Philadelphia Texas style. With the McCon-formation continuing (I now actually expect Matthew McConaughey to be good!) and here following the Christian Bale plan diet, McConaughey plays Ron Woodroof, a rodeo loving, hard drinking, hard working guy with an eye for the ladies, who finds out he’s HIV positive.
This is the Eighties and he’s given thirty days to live and not much hope beyond experimental drugs being pushed through the system by unscrupulous drug companies and a desperate medical community. Fortunately, he seeks out a struck off doctor (played by a brilliant Griffin Dunne) in Mexico, who with a regimen of vitamins and proteins manages to prolong Ron’s chances. Ron decides to start smuggling the drugs into the US and helping fellow sufferers, pocketing a healthy profit along the way.
Ron is a fantastic character. A homophobic tough guy, spit in your eye type who nevertheless has a code. His thinness gives him that carved out of wood feel. The fragility rendered by the disease is offset by the lean mean intensity of his will to survive. His transformation via his friendship with transvestite Rayon (Jared Leto) is credible and moving, even though at times the film draws its lines of bad versus good with too heavy a pencil. Jennifer Garner is also given the somewhat thankless task of playing the witness who fills up at the apposite moment.