REVIEW – Time can be a great healer as paradigms and perceptions change. People age and mellow as tastes develop and evolve. What were once forgettable mediocrities upon release are often now viewed as classics of their time. And so we reconsidered The Phantom Menace. George Lucas’s prequel trilogy starter now has the reputation of an unpolish-able turd. But is that summation fair? The Exec reconsidered The Phantom Menace with an open mind and a blank slate.
Reconsidered – The Phantom Menace… Still Shit, It Is
Jesus Christ. Just imagine if George had opened with this one back in the 70s. It makes Star Crash look like Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Even the opening crawl manages to be so dull, reading it aloud could dehydrate fruit within a 30 yard radius. Who gives a shit about taxation trade routes? A long time ago, in an administration center far, far away.
At Best, Questionable Is Your Racial Stereotyping
Ok, so the Trade Federation guys aren’t that great in terms of progressing the franchise’s racial stereotyping images. But let’s gloss over that and move on. I’m sure George Lucas wont have any other characters that are racist- oh my, Jar-Jar has just arrived. Sweet Jesus, this is difficult to watch. Even if you ignore the god-awful attempts at physical comedy. I’m pretty sure you can see the moment Ewan McGregor realizes how bad this all is. Something in his eyes dies the first times he looks up at Jar-Jar. It’s probably about the same time he remembers he’s signed on for all 3 films and it’ll take more than a Jedi mind trick to get him out of his contract.
More Gungans. Embarrassed, Are We
Dear lord. Let me follow Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit. It wont be as painful as having to watch this Gungun sequence again. This is what happens when a white, middle aged billionaire has nobody to say no to him or even question their decisions. This is how we now have Elon Musk. I blame you entirely George.
Watch More Of This Crap, I Can’t
At least Darth Maul is a very cool and genuinely threatening villain. I can’t wait to see how his character and story develops over the trilogy. Oh. What a sh *t kicker.
Watched The Phantom Menace Did We, So Have To, You Do Not. Welcome, Are You.
GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.
The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again
Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’
Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In
The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.
The Return Of The JJ
As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’
The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month
HOLLYWOOD – Jar Jar Binks digitally inserted into The Last Jedi footage.
Disney execs finally got a look at the some early footage from Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi. And they got a surprise. An anonymous source – Pete Javelin – spoke with the Studio Exec:
We were all psyched and Luke Skywalker looks great. But then Jar Jar Binks turns up. It’s exactly like the moment the Millennium Falcon showed up in the trailer for the Force Awakens. The whole room just burst into screams, shrieks, yelling of ‘OH GOD NO!’ and stuff like that.
The news shocked the Star Wars world as Jar Jar Binks actor Elmo Pedentic died in 2006 from complications, shortly after appearing in Revenge of the Sith. However, it has been long rumored that using the magic of CGI, director Rian Johnson wanted to resurrect Binks.
Pete Javelin, I mean someone, explained:
They’ve used an actor to stand in for Elmo and then have digitally reconstructed Elmo’s face with computers. I think he looks really close. A hell of a lot better than Grand Moff Tarkin in Rogue One. It’s seamless.
Fans however are divided, with some saying that it is disrespectful to actor Pedentic. On a typical blog post one Binker wrote:
Pedentic IS jar Jar Binks. Assholes.
The Last Jedi will be released in December, 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – A new fan theory about the mysterious identity of Lord Snoke in Star Wars The Force Awakens has broken the internet in China, state officials admitted today.
The theory, which was first aired on WeShitYouNot.com, states that the origins of Lord Snoke date all the way back to the prequel The Phantom Menace which was directed by George Lucas (the creator of the original Star Wars) in 1999.
The article argues as follows:
The Gungans are a race with incredible longevity. We already know that. We also know that having won the battle on Naboo almost single-handedly, Jar Jar Binks was largely sidelined by the Jedi and ostracized by the people he loved, including Anakin Skywalker. Having unsuccessfully moved into politics, he became increasingly involved with the machinations of Senator Palpatine who was to finally reveal himself as a Sith and proclaim himself emperor, having slaughtered the Jedi. But the cog in the machine was Jar Jar. Jar Jar had made it possible for Palpatine to defeat the Jedi. He was rewarded with a high rank in the Empire but once more was sidelined in favor of Darth Vadar, his old enemy Anakin Skywalker of course. With the defeat of the Emperor, Jar Jar managed to escape the Death Star #2, but not without being badly wounded, losing his floppy ears and his protruding eyes and his flappy mouth and having to have the whole lot replaced with a rather stupid looking CGI Andy Serkis suit. Using a voice scrambler and a projector he decided that he would create his own version of the Empire calling it the First Order and bossing it around via Skype.
Once the theory was translated into Chinese it began to make the rounds on social media helped by Weibo (the Chinese version of Twitter). Coinciding with the release of The Force Awakens in China the impact was such that entire city grids were left without power and some even said that the Chinese Premier Li Keqiang ‘shit himself’, so excited was he by the idea.
Star Wars The Force Awakens will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – A new Star Wars: The Force Awakens poster has been released to allay fears that an iconic figure from the series might be absent from the film altogether.
With the release of the first official The Force Awakens poster yesterday, the reaction was instantaneous and unanimous -as if a million voices had cried out in pain and had been silenced: where’s Jar Jar Binks? Such was the furor with even President Obama tweeting his disappointment that Disney took the unprecedented move of releasing a revised poster.
Film director J.J. Abrams issued a statement with the new poster:
We had perhaps tried to be too clever. We wanted to tease Jar Jar but then the idea came to not have him there at all and build up tension. But we got so much blow back from it, the risk was this was going to overshadow the release. There were some fans who were even talking of organizing a boycott of the film and we’re making it for the fans, so that would be the worst possible outcome.
Jar Jar, however, is not the only noticeable absence. Stills have already shown that Hayden Christensen has got a prominent role in the new film, but his absence from the poster has caused speculation that he might only appear in flashback. Likewise, lead character Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is also a notable absentee.
‘Oh he dies in like the first six minutes,’ Abrams reassured us. ‘Erm, spoiler, maybe!?’
Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released December 18th, 2015.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens official poster has been released but the question on everyone’s lip is ‘Where is Jar Jar?’
The most anticipated film of 2015 Star Wars: The Force Awakens got its official poster today, but the reaction has been one of shock and confusion. ‘Where’s Jar Jar?’ tweeted President Barack Obama. And he wasn’t the only one expressing shock and outrage. Writer and director of previous Star Wars hits, George Lucas posted an entry on his blog THX 1139:
I can’t believe Jar Jar Binks does not feature prominently on the poster for the Force Awakens. Jar Jar is Star Wars – the spirit and the reality. I can’t for a second imagine a Star Wars movie without everyone’s favorite Gungan. Disney have f*cked up and that J.J. Abrams… I don’t have words. Except scum and villany perhaps.
However, some believe that it is a clever part of the publicity. Star Wars fanzine writer Billy Nomants told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
It is obvious that JJ Abrams and Kathleen Kennedy know how important Jar Jar is to every fan and they would never drop the ball like this. I am absolutely sure that they have left him off the poster as a tease, a way of building up our excitement to extraordinary levels. Come December 18th we’ll be there and Jar Jar will as well I’m sure otherwise, we’d have to say ‘How wude!’
Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be in cinemas from December 18th.
HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable change of heart, George Lucas published a statement this morning disavowing the Star Wars prequels and promising that the negatives will not only be destroyed but ‘every memory of them will be wiped from human memory’.
The statement that was issued from the Skywalker ranch this morning reads:
Several years ago, I began along a course of action which I have come to regret. I supposed it started with the Ewoks. I don’t know. I had created a popular Science Fiction film and then another, and finally there was Return of the Jedi, which had some good bits. At this stage in my career I felt I was done. I couldn’t think of anything else to do but take baths in the money that rolled in from Hasbro. But then I got really bored and some people started to say “Hey why don’t you make some more of them Star Wars films?” And so I thought why not? But the sad fact of the matter was any chops I had in the story telling game were as dead as a duck called Howard. I suspected it was all going wrong but the same people who had told me to do it in the first place would just greet every idea I had with like “Genius genius” even if it was shit biscuits. Even I hated Jar Jar Binks, but Stevie Spielberg was like “this is hilarious”. Last night I had a moment of clarity: it was all rubbish, all of it. And so I will use the full power of my wealth to buy back every DVD, BluRay and film print in existence of Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and we’ll all get drunk and then burn them. It will be fucking excellent.
All I can say is I’m really sorry and I hope everyone will forgive but most of all forget. I will not rest content until the memory of the prequels is utterly wiped away.
Red Tails & Broomsticks is due for release in 2016.