UFC CAMPION V ELLIOTT ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of their public spat regarding Campion’s Oscar nominated The Power Of The Dog, a UFC Campion V Elliott cage match has been announced. The fight will take place at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. The UFC Campion V Elliott fight will be broadcast live directly after the Oscars.

Grudge Match

Bad feelings between the two started brewing when Elliott gave an interview where he called Campion’s The Power OF The Dog ‘a piece of shit.’ Campion responded in kind in an Esquire interview where she called Elliott a ‘Bit of a bitch’. Tempers frayed from there and when the two bumped into each other at a charity gala in Beverly Hills, Campion launched a terrifying physical attack on Elliott. Witnesses to the fracas said, ‘Campion flew at him like she was possessed. She kicked him in the balls before round-housing him in the throat.’

Not In The Balls

Elliott reportedly squealed at a pitch nobody had ever heard come from the rich baritoned actor before. He screamed, ‘Not in the balls! You just crossed a line Campion. I’m gonna kick the shit out of you, padre.’ Campion responded by laughing in his face before flat-palming her hand into his nose. As the blood ran into his mouth, he spat through the crimson, ‘You piece of shit. You name the time and the place. We’re gonna do this properly.’ And with that, he ran away holding his dripping nose.

Let’s Get Ready To Ruuuuumble!

Within days, their respective agents had arranged the standard UFC sanctioned grudge match, which will take place at the Vegas MGM Grand Hotel. It’s going to take place directly after the Oscars. So Campion, whose The Power Of The Dog is nominated for both Best Picture and Director will not be attending the ceremony should she win. She will instead be backstage in Vegas, warming up for her fight. Sam Elliott, who isn’t troubling any of the Oscar categories this year, has been in intensive training since the fight was announced. ‘I’ve been doing a lot of road work and sparring with Tyson Fury.’ said the Blue Jean Cop and Big Lebowski star. ‘I’m in the shape of my life.’ He added, ‘I’m gonna nail this scene in one take… down.’

 

Shit’s Getting Real

Campion has been equally intense in her preparations by staying with Shaolin monks and learning their fighting secrets. She had this to say on the upcoming fight, ‘Shit’s getting real, man. I’m going to tear that piece of shit a new asshole. I’ve been training in Shaolin ways. I can shove my hands into hot gravel and everything. This is going to make one mother f**king badass movie. And my training sessions will be the perfect montage. It’ll make Rocky IV look like a f**king picnic. Bring him on. I’m thirsty for rhinestone cowboy blood.’

The Fight Takes Place After This Year’s Oscars Ceremony

BEN WHISHAW OPENS UP ABOUT HIS FEAR OF SHARKS

HOLLYWOOD – Talented British actor Ben Whishaw is absolutely terrified of Sharks, he revealed to the Studio Exec today.

Although his hi-tech boffin Q is preparing to arm James Bond in the upcoming Spectre, British actor Ben Whishaw has confessed to an irrational phobia of sharks. He popped round to the Studio Exec Penthouse to explain himself more fully.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been morbidly terrified of sharks. If I’m in the ocean swimming and I say the tell tale dorsal fin of a Great White, or a Hammerhead Shark coming in my direction, I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I just begin to shake and my heart starts to race and I get this irresistible urge to get out of the water.

That’s terrible. What do you think caused it?

When I was a child, we would always go on beach holidays to Cornwall, first with my family and then with an elderly aunt. I was swimming with my brother and he started to make the music from Jaws, with his mouth. Du-num, du-num etc. You know John Williams. Of course it kind of freaked me out but just then a shark swam up from the depths and took his leg off below the knee. I don’t know if it was that, or perhaps it was the music but ever since then I’ve really felt uncomfortable being in the water while sharks swim near me.

The 35 year old actor first came to prominence as the poet Keats in Jane Campion’s Bright Star. Since then he has had roles in Cloud Atlas, The Danish Girl and most famously as Q in Skyfall. However, he hasn’t let his debilitating phobia effect his career.

The thing is there are roles I would have to turn down. Sharknado for instance. But even then I hear they use CGI sharks and I’m not at all scared of them at all. I mean they can’t hurt you, can they?

How about socially in Hollywood? How does it feel to be openly sharkphobic?

Elasmophobia is the technical term, but I feel fine about it. Once I opened up about my problem, I was amazed by the flood of support and messages that came from many people who suffer from the same fear. It turns out that almost everybody in Hollywood is elasmophobic except for Gary Busey. There are groups that meet and talk about it and there are even therapists who get you to confront your fears and swim with the sharks, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.

Spectre will be released on 5 November, 2015.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JANE CAMPION

 HOLLYWOOD – She is the director of The Piano and Top of the Lake and the last president of the Cannes jury but what do we really know about writer, producer and director Jane Campion. The Studio Exec flew the FACT Team to Australia to find out.

1. Jane Campion never won a competitive sport in her life and had the h permanently confiscated from her surname as recognition of this by the New Zealand government in 1987. 

2. Jane Campion was nominated for an Oscar for her work on The Piano. The film was all about the adventures of a piano in the New Zealand rain forest. Try as it might it could not escape the clutches of the wicked Holly Hunter. Everyone was depressed except Harvey Keitel who was allowed to wander about in his birthday suit.

3. Although born in New Zealand, Jane Campion tells everyone she’s Australian because she thinks being Australian is ‘way cooler, especially since that asshole Peter Jackson ruined everything for everyone’.

4. By casting her as the lead in her erotic thriller In the Cut, Jane Campion was directly responsible for changing Meg Ryan from the sweet girl next door of romantic comedies, to the towering dramatic actress we know today.  

5. Bright Star disappointed Science Fiction fans everywhere and by some is not even considered a Science Fiction film, but rather something to do with poetry. More sophisticated SF fans believed the film was a ‘metaphor’ for another film.

For more FACTS click here.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT CANNES

CANNES – As we prepare for ten days of debauchery interrupted by some ‘films’ what do we REALLY know about the 67th French Film Festival called Cannes?

The Studio Exec FACT team are on the Croissette.

1. Cannes is called Cannes, because Cannes is French for Cans, and films – before they could be illegally downloaded -used to come in cans!

2. The top prize at Cannes is the Palme D’Or. Initially, the Palme D’Or was a sexual act that could be performed alone, but with time it became synonymous with art house cinema and especially the films of Lars Von Trier.

3. Lars Von Trier was declared ‘Persona Non Grata’ at the 2011 festival after making jokes about being a Nazi. Persona Non Grata is Latin and roughly translates as ‘Here’s a lot of Publicity for Free’.

4. The head of the Jury this year is Jane Campion. She is a woman. You heard it right. A. Woman.   

5. The Croissette is the name given to the Crescent of the beach on which Cannes is situated. Every day at twelve o clock they fire an American Independent filmmaker out of a cannon at the castle in the old town to mark the hour. Since 1989 this honor has been reserved to winners of the Sundance Film Festival.

For more Cannes coverage CLICK HERE for more FACTS click over here. 

CANNES 2014 JURY ANNOUNCED

PARIS – The jury for the 67th Cannes Film Festival was announced this afternoon in Paris, France.

The nine member jury will join Jury President Jane Campion in sifting through the competition on the Croisette and awarding the coveted Palme d’Or. 

Film makers, actors and mathematicians Will and Jaden Smith will join Kevin James and Lindsay Lohan to represent the best Hollywood has to offer. Dutch shock master Tom Six and persona non grata Lars Von Trier are going to be there to represent misogyny and anti-Semitism. South Korean pop sensation PSY and Xi Ling the Chinese director of the seven hour epic A Film You Only Pretend (You Have Seen) will also be in attendance. And representing Palestinian, Iranian, Iraqi and Israeli cinema will be former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who apparently elected himself spokesperson for the region in all matters.

The Cannes Film Festival runs from May 15th to the 25th and we will be there. 

CHARLIE’S ANGELS PREQUEL ‘RETURNS TO ORIGINAL BRONTE NOVELS’

HOLLYWOOD – Jane Campion – the writer and director of the new Charlie’s Angels prequel Charlie’s Angels: Danger but Pray, with Decorum – has pledged that she will return to the original spirit of the novels, written one hundred and fifty years ago by Charlotte Bronte

Campion was chosen by producers to helm the reboot because of her successful handling of similar period material, particularly with her Oscar winning The Piano and more recently Bright Star. The new film CA: DBWD returns the franchise to its original source material a series of six novels written by Charlotte Bronte in the mid-Nineteenth Century, some scholars suggest with the collaboration of her sisters, Anne and Emily. The New Zealand born director spoke exclusively to Studio Exec:

In the original novel, Charlie is actually short for Charlotte the matriarch of the Angels – Emily, Catherine and Anne – all of whom are in need of a husband with 5000 a year and substantial property, or a vicarage. They each have a separate skill – piano playing, sewing, singing madrigals – which they use to solve crimes. They are women of their times and not the sexual objects of the TV series or the galumphing fools of the last two films. We need actresses of subtlty and keen intelligence to play these nuanced roles.

Miley Cyrus, Selana Gomez and Lindsay Lohan have all been confirmed, with Paris Hilton cast as Charlotte.

Charlie’s Angels: Danger but Pray, with Decorum will be released in 2015 .


TOM HARDY IS THOMAS HARDY IN THOMAS HARDY: THE HARDY BOY

 LONDON – In casting news that surprised absolutely nobody, Tom Hardy has been cast in Jane Campion‘s new biopic of the maudlin Edwardian novelist Thomas Hardy as Thomas Hardy and which will start filming under the title Thomas Hardy: The Hardy Boy.

Campion’s film will tell the story of the formative years of Thomas Hardy as he struggled to find his voice as a writer and spent a lot of time mispronouncing where he lived as ‘Wessex’ because of a slight lisp.

Tom Hardy who will be playing Thomas Hardy, but who is not to be confused with Thomas Hardy – he’s Tom Hardy his character is Thomas Hardy – except of course in so far as actors wilfully wish us to be confused with the role that they are playing, if you know what I mean.


Anyway, Tom Hardy in the role of Thomas Hardy has been preparing for playing the role by having his friends and family who usually call him Tom Hardy call him Thomas Hardy instead. However when he spoke with Jane Campion he was in for a surprise.


‘Jane told me that duing the period of his life that we’ll be covering in Thomas Hardy The Hardy Boy a lot of Thomas Hardy’s friends would actually call him Tom Hardy and so all my friends and family had to go back to calling me Tom Hardy again,’ Tom Hardy (actor) laughs and scratches his balls which are clearly visible through his tight swimming costume. ‘That was a funny conversation.’ 


Filming is due to start in January next year, but there is a very real possibility that it won’t happen because the whole thing is confusing and really, no one can be bothered.

MILA KUNIS TO STAR IN DWORKIN

NEW YORK – According to rumor, Mila Kunis has signed on to play Andrea Dworkin in Jane Campion‘s long-awaited biopic of the radical feminist, Dworkin

The news – as yet unconfirmed – has already met with some opposition from feminists. Jayne Detroit of the Woman Against Hate (WAH) movement said:movies 2013

Here we have one of the foremost critics of the objectification of women, an opponent of pornography in all its forms and a life long militant in the feminist movement and she is going to be played by someone Esquire judges to be the sexiest woman on the planet. As if they’ve even properly looked.

However, noted New Zealand film maker Jane Campion reacted with anger at the criticism:

No one can tell me who to cast and who not to cast. I’m not prepared to comment specifically on this situation except to say. I’ve traveled far and wide and Mila Kunis is the sexiest woman on the planet I am yet to meet.

The Piano and Bright Star director went on to say:

This is a project close to my heart. Andrea was a wonderful woman who did a lot for women and especially in criticizing their objectification by the male gaze. That said she was no oil painting and this film is going to be three hours long, so perhaps someone easy on the eye, like Ms. Kunis, would be perfect.

Filming on Dworkin is due to start at 8.37 am, Wednesday the 9th of June. As yet we don’t know the year.