TARANTINO TO FILM LONG CHERISHED JANE AUSTEN ADAPTATION

HOLLYWOOD – Even as Quentin Tarantino adds the final touches to The Hateful Eight, rumors are already circulating about his next film being his long-awaited Jane Austen adaptation. 

In an EXCLUSIVE phone call to the Guatemalan office of Studio Exec, Quentin Tarantino was explicit: ‘It’s always been my dream to do a Jane Austen adaptation. I f*cking love Northanger Abbey, and I would costume drama and post-modern irony the shit out of that motherf*cker.’

What attracts you to the 19th Century novelist?

She’s the Elmore Leonard of her time. Just snappy as shit. Tight plotting and strong female characters. I’ve been a fan for years and watched with something like f*cking despair as assholes like Joe Wright and Emma Thompson fuck her up time and time again. 

And who do you see in the film?

I’ve already had long conversations with Samuel L. Jackson about General Tilney. He’d be perfect, cause he has to seem threatening and yet ultimately, well I don’t want to give it away to anyone who hasn’t read the book. By the way Northanger Abbey was published in 1798 and so she wrote that one as an 18th Century novelist. Jamie Foxx would be his son Henry, but as yet I don’t have anyone for Catherine. Maybe Emma Watson. Or Kerry Washington. Or Kurt Russell.

So we can look forward to a radically different Austen, with a black cast and guns and samurai swords and stuff?

Are you f*cking high. No way. Jamie and Sam are gonna white up. I’m not gonna f*ck with the material on this one. No way. The reason I hated Joe Wright’s Pride and Prejudice was cause he went too Bronte on that shit. He Bronte to f*ck out of it. I’m gonna keep it pure Austen. Witty convoluted dialogue and corsets and drawing rooms. The only thing I might change is the title. I kind of like Northanger Motherfucking Abbey Motherfucker which I think is in the spirit of Austen’s anger.  

Northanger Motherf*cking Abbey Motherf*cker will be released in 2017.

JAMIE FOXX’S NATIONAL ANTHEM PERFORMANCE ‘CAN CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE’

NEVADA – The American Medical Association today released a strongly worded press release condemning the practice of Jamie Foxx singing the national anthem before major boxing matches, citing a ‘real danger that it could cause neurological damage’.

Referring to the rendition of the National Anthem given by Django Unchained actor Jamie Foxx, the AMA spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have two men here – Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao – who are about to start pounding each other’s faces in with their fists. The brain is already going to be traumatized as it sloshes around those bone hard skulls. But to then add to that a weird soulful Star Spangled Banner…? It just needs to be flat out Star Spangled banned. It is cruel and unusual and I fear for the brain health not only of the fighters but also the audience.

Jake Gyllenhaal was rushed to hospital after the fight, when he collapsed after complaining of dizziness and an inability to stop laughing. Who actually won the fight is still a mystery, the answer to which is probably beyond the scope and capacity of human understanding.

ROLAND EMMERICH TALKS FACEBOOK DOWN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – For most of us it was a vaguely irritating absence of a social networking site but for Roland Emmerich it was a movie idea: Facebook Down will hit screens later this year.

The 2012 director spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve been wanting to make a picture like the Social Network for years, but the problem was it was all yackety yak. You really need something a bit more exciting to happen than for one rich guy to do over another rich guy and hurt their feelings. So when Facebook went down today, I thought this is it. Here I go. I’ve got Aaron Eckhart to play the terrorist Mr. MySpace, Jamie Foxx will reprise his role as President Broback Obamack. Channing Tatum is on board again as the male stripper turned head of presidential security, Mike. When this movie comes out, you’ll like it.

I certainly hope so.

No I mean you’ll like it. As in you’ll click that little thumbs up button.

Oh I get it.

Then why aren’t you laughing?

Ha. Ha ha.

The story is simple. Myspace is wracked with jealousy at the success of Jesse Eisenberg’s Facebook, so with the help of Eisenberg’s arch enemy Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield), he goes in and creates a glitch, threatening the world with no way of saying what’s on their mind. Unless they have twitter.

Facebook Down will be released Tuesday. 

SNEAK PEEK AT RIDLEY SCOTT’S SHAFT

HOLLYWOOD – It’s not due out until late 2015 but the Studio Exec have been granted an EXCLUSIVE first look at Ridley Scott’s Shaft, starring Jason Statham.

Statham takes on the role of the iconic role of the seventies detective first made famous by Richard Rowntree in the 1971 cult classic. In 2000 Samuel L. Jackson’s remake was met with a mixed response. This time however, Ridley Scott, whose Exodus: Gods and Kings is in cinemas at the moment, believes he is on to a winning formula:

The problem with Shaft in the past is he was always black. If I’m take make a big budget  film, financing it off Irish tax credits and coupons that I clip from magazines, then I can’t go to the studio and say we’ve got Will (who he?) Smith or Denzel What’s-his-name? They’d laugh in my face. We didn’t even have that conversation. Actually since Prometheus we’ve been having a lot less conversation anyway.

Can you tell us something about the plot?

Thank god! Yes. I’d be more than happy to and at last get away from this ridiculous conversation about race. Okay. Where to start? Shaft is a private detective working in New York where he discovers a slavery ring alive and well in the Twenty First Century. The slave owner, known by the mysterious name Mr. Big, and his cohorts drug white girls and sell them as slaves to Arabs and Africans and the like.

That sounds racist.

What do you mean? Okay, so Jason is playing the main guy but there are lots of black actors in the cast.

Like who?

Well, Jamie Foxx is playing Mr. Big. And I’m hoping to get Danny Glover to play this really vicious psychopath who tries to kill Shaft’s twelve year old daughter.

Shaft will be released December 25, 2015.

MICHAEL J. FOX: “I AM JAMIE FOXX’S FATHER.”

HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was stunned this morning after Michael J. Fox gave a sensational press conference claiming he is the biological father of Django Unchained star Jamie Foxx.

Continue reading “MICHAEL J. FOX: “I AM JAMIE FOXX’S FATHER.””

TARANTINO ADMITS ‘CHINESE VERSION OF DJANGO UNCHAINED BETTER’

BEIJING – Quentin Tarantino today admitted that the Chinese cut of his film Django Unchained is actually much better than his own internationally released version.

Although initially it was thought that the cuts imposed were due to the censorship of violence and the bloodiness of the film, Tarantino revealed that Chinese editors were instead trying to fix the last act.

In an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, Tarantino said he’d seen the different version and agreed with the changes: ‘I only wish I had seen this version before I released mine.’
In a top secret email to the director, the Chinese editors explained the changes they had made and their reasons. [SPOILERS]


Dear Mr. Tarantino,

We have finished our cut of your exciting Western film Django Unchained and for your interest here is a list of the cuts we have made. We hope that you are not too upset with us as we are great fans of your work, especially Jackie Brown.


  • 7 minutes have been cut from Christoph Waltz’s performance. He is good, but really we don’t need him twirling his moustaches and blathering on for quite so long. Plus giving a white German the name ‘King’ and hinting that he is the intellectual inspiration behind the emancipation of black people is a bit raw. We have toned this down.
  • We cut Franco Nero from the film. You put him in and he did nothing. It was an insult to a great actor to use him simply as a quotation. 
  • Our most radical cut has been the ending. We cut the section between Di Caprio and Waltz’s final scene and the final shoot out. This has several advantages. 1. We lose the Australians (including that fat faced fool of an actor who blows up [where on earth did you find such a fool?]). 2. The opportunity given to Django to escape is simply unbelievable and the long-winded motivation given by Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is silly beyond belief. 3. The loss of two major characters leaves much the rest of the film without energy and so to conflate the two gunfight makes more sense. We have added a line of dialogue -‘Oh, here’s another gun!’ – to make it more credible.
We hope you are not to angry with us Mr. T. 
 
Best Wishes, Chinese editors

DJANGO UNCHAINED ‘WILL FEATURE NO NEW FOOTAGE’










HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino revealed today that Django Unchained – released on Christmas Day – holds no more surprises. ‘Basically we’ve already shown everything in the trailers,’ the co-director of Four Rooms said. ‘I think we’ve even put some of the deleted scenes in there as well, so the special edition Blu-Ray won’t be worth spending money on if you’ve got a decent internet connection.’
The leakage began the very day Tarantino finished the screenplay and, somehow (possibly via a large bag of weed being smoked in celebration) – wound its way to a photocopier from thence to a scanner and from thence to the internet. During filming of the tale of a slave (Jamie Foxx [not to be mistaken with James Fox]) who is freed by a dentist (Cristophe Waltz) so he can then hunt down the men who captured him and the man (Leonardo di Caprio) who has his wife (Kerry Washington).

Jamie Foxx


Dismissing the earlier leak of the script, Tarantino said at the 2012 Comi-Con that the film had changed over the course of filming with many scenes rewritten and characters added and others eliminated. However, today he admitted that all the footage filmed has already been included in the teasers, the trailer, the international trailer, the TV spots, the TV clips, and the poster art. ‘You can basically Google the film,’ said QT, disgruntled. ‘I fucked up.’ There will be no new footage in the actual and perhaps substantially less.

Anybody who wants to watch the extended trailer in a large room full of people texting will have to wait until December, however.

TOM HANKS RELEASES RAP ALBUM

HOLLYWOODTom Hanks follows in the footsteps of Will Smith, Sir Ian McKellen and Jamie Foxx in being the latest actor to try to make the crossover from cinema to music with the release of his album HANX A MILLION.

In a sudden change of direction, Forest Gump has loaded up with bling, surrounded himself with some big ass mommas and gone all pimp. Although famous for his roles as a white bread American hero in the style of Jimmy Stewart, Hanks has long lived a double life, mixing with Method Man and Eminem. The track list however does hint at his cinema work.

Tracks include: Pole Dancer Express, I’m gonna Forest Hump, Forest Hump ya!, Deserve this mother fucka! Cloud Asslas, Fill-a-Delphia (Then Fill Another One), and Big (You Betta Believe it).

DJANGO UNCHAINED NOT A JAZZ GUITAR BIOPIC, TARANTINO CLAIMS

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has reacted with fury at the suggestion that his new film Django Unchained is in fact a biopic of legendary jazz guitarist Django Reinhardt (pictured).

‘It’s a fucking Western,’ the Reservoir Dogs director spluttered, before backing up his ludicrous claim with some motor-mouthed guff about Spaghetti Westerns and Franco Nero. ‘I mean look at the trailer. It’s ludicrous.’

However, Tarantino did admit that confusion had leaked into the production when Jamie Foxx – in preparing for the title role of Django – took a six month course in jazz guitar. ‘I felt so bad about Jamie taking such pains that we did film some sequences of Jamie playing the guitar but I knew that was all going to be cut out,’ Tarantino explains. ‘Oh, wait a minute, maybe that’s where the rumour came from.’


Kilgore Truckstop – the secretary of the Django Reinhardt Appreciation Society – reacted with excitement at the prospect of a biopic dedicated to the life and work of jazz guitar’s most famous proponent. ‘We’re going to organise coach parties, or a coach party,’ Trout said. ‘Or maybe I’ll just give them all a lift. I’ve got an SUV.’


Meanwhile, there is talk of a follow up Thelonius Monk Off the Hook; the script for which Tarantino has reportedly already completed.