HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.
The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…
The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.
The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.
There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.
The Golden Asshole
The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.
The Oscars Takes Place Next March
HOLLYWOOD – Kirstie Alley and James Woods are to remake DW Griffith’s Birth of a Nation.
We talked to James Woods and Kirstie Alley about their planned remake of Birth of a Nation.
So, Kirstie and James, thank you for agreeing to talk with us today:
Kirstie Alley (KA) – Who said that about us? Fake news!
James Woods (JW) – Yeah, that’s fuckin’ bullshit man!
We haven’t actually said anything yet:
KA – Ok, but just watch it, ok? Because we aint taking any of your liberal bullshit.
JW – Darn tootin’ Kirst. Virtual high five.
Anyway, can you tell us where you got the idea to remake The Birth Of A Nation? Isn’t that film about the Ku Klux Klan and didn’t it lead to the resurgence of the Klan and their racist ideology in America?
JW – It aint racist, because it has a load of black folks in it.
I’m pretty sure it is racist and most of those ‘black characters’ were white actors with their faces ‘blacked up’. Do you not find that problematic to say the least?
KA – Now look here… boy, you just wait a goddamn minute. Because you can’t come over here with your high fallutin’ talk and fancy science degrees spoutin’ off all kinda nonsense. That way decent folk don’t take kindly. Now where’d I put my AR-15?
JW – I think what Kirsty is trying to say is that we wanted to show that there were very fine people on both sides in that film. Bring it to a modern audience.
Who will you play?
KA – I’m gonna play Elsie Stoneman, she’s from some fag Union family up north. But it’s ok, she marries the good ol’ boy Ben Cameron, who’s a Confederate war hero.
JW – And I’m gonna play me the villain of the piece. You know, that evil minded sumbitch, Abraham Lincoln. Because I’m good at villains. And we gonna get Steve McQueen to direct it.
Steve McQueen? You’re sure about that?
KA & JW – Yep.
I’m not sure you have the right Steve McQueen:
KA – Sure we do, he’s the Cooler King, the Bullit, the god damned Papillon mother fucker.
The Steve McQueen you’re thinking of is dead. You might want to look them up on IMDB. I’ll send you a link:
JW – What the fuck you on about?
KA – What? But Scott Baio said…
JW – Why did you want to listen to that liberal pinko for, Kirsty? I told you he’s a crazy mofo, ever since Diagnosis Murder. Hang on, let me open up this link and… mother fucker. He aint no Cooler King. Hang on, he directed 12 Years A Slave, that sounds promising, let me just read what it’s abo… shit. It’s political correctness gone mad!
KA – I’m definitely gettin’ my AR-15. You just wait there boy.
Thankfully, The Birth Of A Nation has been shelved indefinitely.
HOLLYWOOD – Movie rights of Michael Wolff’s bestselling book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House have been sold to Judd Apatow.
Judd Apatow today confirmed that he has bought the rights to Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House. The book has topped best seller lists all over and has rocked the political world. Apatow spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the movie version:
It was a no-brainer that this was going to be a great film. Aside from the palace intrigue and the thousands of great moments that are packed into Michael’s book, it is also a flat out comedy. It turns out that we can do a gross out comedy in the style of Dirty Grandpa and it still be the most politically astute portrait of our times.
Who will play the role of Donald Trump?
Again a no-brainer! Alec Baldwin has essentially been auditioning for this movie, even before the movie existed. Other roles are going to be more challenging to fill. We don’t necessarily want to go completely Saturday Night Live. After all, this is also supposed to be a realistic account of what happens inside the corridors of power and we need to make that credible.
So who’ve you got?
We want the guy whose head melts in Raiders of the Lost Ark to play Stephen Miller and for KellyAnne Conway we’re looking for the Jim Henson workshop to give us something. We were modelling it on a Fraggle. Steve Bannon is a major character – Mel Gibson is a little old, but for sheer insanity James Woods would be perfect. Jared Kushner and Ivanka are going to be played by Sasha Baron Cohen in one of those half and half costumes, so that viewed in one profile he’ll be Jared and then he’ll turn around and he’ll be Ivanka.
Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood actor James Woods admitted today he had lost his entire fortune in a misguided investment in ceramic action figures.
The Videodrome actor admitted he had been misled by his business associates:
They told me that the technology was very advanced and the action figures wouldn’t break. Donnie and Vincent Beacon told me the figures would be suitable for all ages as well as be worth a lot of money potentially as collectibles with time. We made Pacific Rim action figures, X-Men and the characters from all the Steven Soderbergh films, in particular Behind the Candelabra and Haywire. Unfortunately, the Beacon brothers had strung me along with a lot of false information and the figures broke extremely easily into very sharp pieces. In fact they crumbled. In some cases children were badly injured both when the figures broke like shrapnel and when subsequently some of the children ingested fragments, tempted by the fact we had perhaps unwisely flavoured them strawberry.
When asked about the extent of his financial losses, the Once Upon a Time in America star broke down in tears and moaned like an animal:
They wiped me out. Those bastards. I poured everything in. Even what I got from Salvador and I never got much from that. But still. Now I don’t have a pot to piss in. The house is gone, my cars, my collection of vintage hats. I asked them again and again, I told them Pacific Rim action figures in ceramics? Are you sure? They said yeah. Those little motherf*ckers blew up in my face. There was the money I lost and then on top of that there have been a series of law suits, all of which we have lost.
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