REVIEW – Netflix science fiction show Altered Carbon dropped a couple of weeks back and now I’ve finished it.

Set in the Blade Runner, Altered Carbon stars Joel Kinnaman as a Japanese terrorist Takeshi Kovacs. He desperately doesn’t want to sleep with his sister. Authorities de-ice the criminal Envoy and put him in a new sleeve – an ex-cop white guy – so that he can investigate Laurens Bancroft’s (James Purefoy) murder. He’s hired by Bancroft because being a Meth – rich guy who lives in the sky – Bancroft has downloaded backups of himself that he can then put into cloned sleeves – bodies – of himself. The first couple of episodes get by on the whizzbang of all that new vocabulary and the production values that do make you go oh look Blade Runner… oh look Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome… oh look Blade Runner… oh look the Matrix… oh look Blade Runner… oh look Blade Runner.

The Stranger Things cut and paste methodology wears thin about episode three and then the clunky dialogue begins to really compete with the hammy acting for what torments the soul of the viewer more. The Neo-Noir demands a corrupt world, but there’s a weird hollowness to everything here. Some of the ideas are excellent and spice up the hate watching –  feisty cop Ortega (Martha Higareda) is a particularly irritating bundle of stereotypes. I liked the AI hotel called Poe (Chris Conner) and some of the ideas about swapping bodies are good and the action is well done. But the overall effect becomes numbing and the nudity plus violence stuff starts to get really old. Women get hurt and humiliated time and again. And I’m not sure having your avenger turn up in S&M gear retroactively makes the women-beating feminist.

So we have a slick-looking sci-fi thriller with dialogue so bad it feels like its trying to parody bad dialogue and which wears its unoriginality as a badge of honor. But other than that I enjoyed it.

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BELGIUM – Tom Six’s The Human Centipede follows in the footsteps of Billy Elliot and Spider-man to become the latest movie to be transformed into a big Broadway musical. 

With Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence in cinemas at the moment the popularity of the digestive horror franchise has never been higher and some analysts are surprised only that it hasn’t made the move earlier. Theater critic Xavier Poulis said:

Human Centipede is an absolutely obvious choice for Broadway adaptation. It has physical movement, a strong central idea and it is genuinely moving. The team assembled are top class and I can see Human Centipede challenging the likes of Les Miserables for longevity.

Tim Rice has already written the book and Andrew Lloyd Webber is busy putting the finishing touches to what he calls ‘the sickest shit I’ve ever done.’

The first songs have leaked (never was the word more appropriate) onto the internet, with such promising titles as ‘He’s got the Whole World in his Glands’ and ‘You’ll find an End in Me’. James Purefoy will take the role of the mad scientist whose anatomical experiment has terrible consequences for Andrew Garfield, Rachel McAdams and Carey Mulligan.

An overexcited Tim Rice said:

We’ve missed in some classics, like Scott Walker’s ‘Get Behind Me’ and the evergreen favorite ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, with some of our original songs like ‘Arse horizon’ and the fantastic post-operation ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ which we’ve changed to ‘Smm mmmml mmw ooo’ because it’s sung by the one in the middle.

The Human Centipede Sings! is due to open early in 2016.