HOLLYWOOD – Noted comedian, screen actor and Woody Allen hater, Billy Crystal was cooling his heels in a Los Angeles prison cell this afternoon after having been arrested in Seth MacFarlane’s garden armed with blow darts and a pipe.
Many have reported that Mr. Crystal was furious at being overlooked as host of the upcoming Oscars and had vowed to ‘get his own back on that cartoon asshole.’
The news comes just days after James Franco – in an interview with top class French cultural magazine Chapeau – accused the City Slicker of having drugged his hash cookies prior to Mr. Franco’s own disastrous stint as host. ‘I don’t know what he put in them, but Jeez I was barely keeping it together,’ said an obviously shaken Mr. Franco. ‘For half the ceremony I hallucinated Anne Hathaway and I only do that on Peyote usually.’
The LAPD revealed that according to the forensic report the darts contained a slow acting toxin that would produce a diarrhea so violent as to turn the body ‘inside out, like a sock from the laundry’. Mr. Crystal is also being question about the disappearance of Mike Myers, but police were quick to point out that was just idle curiosity on their parts.
|‘not an asshole?’
WASHINGTON – Just hours after Donald Trump announced to prestigious News program Fox and Friends that he was going to sue Bill Maher over the claim that he was the product of sex between a human and a orangutan, Kyle a sixteen year old male orangutan, currently resident of the National Zoo, Washington has also issued a complaint against Maher for defamation.
Maher had been making light of Donald Trump’s continued questioning of President Obama’s birth certificate, when he offered $5 million dollars for proof that Trump was not the product of a sexual union between an orangutan and a human. Trump later called Maher’s bluff, producing his birth certificate to Yahoo News. Now however, Kyle – on behalf of orangutans everywhere is also suing Maher, saying that the suggestion an orangutan could produce something like Donald Trump ‘is as preposterous as it is offensive.’
|Kyle fires off another email
His keepers at the zoo are unsurprised.
‘Ever since we taught him how to use an iPad he’s been firing off emails left, right and center,’ says Deke Harmon, head of the monkey house. ‘The other day I caught him watching some James Franco movie and just going bananas, I mean ape shit, no that doesn’t work either.’
NEW YORK – Reports are just coming in that an army of flying monkey’s have descended on Manhattan leaving a trail of devastation in their wake.
‘I was just leaving my psychiatrists when all of a sudden a monkey swooped down from the sky and stole my glasses’ said a traumatized Woody Allen.
‘It’s not as though I can just replace them I’ll have to go in for an eye test, then they’ll make me look through catalogs and I’ll have to wait around while they fit the lenses into the frame. My optician never has any coffee so I’ll have to go buy coffee but all the good coffee places will be closed because of the monkey plague. Though I guess it’s not really a plague more of a vicious airborne virus that attacks the retinas. Which reminds me, I must take The Five year Engagement back to the video store.’
The monkey menace is thought to have been caused by an illegal experiment conducted by polymath James Franco in order to promote his upcoming movie Oz: The great and powerful.
‘James is not only an actor, an author, a director, a poet , a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker. He’s also a geneticist,’ said Oz director Sam Raimi.
‘I remember when he invited me to his underground research facility that lies directly under 5th avenue. He said he’d been working on splicing monkeys with bats and could I use a couple of the creatures to promote the movie. He’s got a lot of bizarre stuff down there human/rabbit hybrids, giant goldfish and a fire breathing dragon with three heads that all look like Nicole Kidman.’
Franco was unavailable for comment but his publicist Chase Merkin had this to say:
‘James is currently hard work at work directing an adaptation of Kafka’s Ein Hungerkünstler starring Seth Rogan and Danny Mcbride. He admits the winged monkeys are his creation but the public shouldn’t worry because in a few hours their DNA will become unstable and their vital organs will explode.’
So there we have it. James Franco saves the day again and the good people of New York city can once again sleep safely in their beds knowing he is out there watching over them. Like some kind of God but in human form.
|Wocka Wocka Wocka
HOLLYWOOD – Sam Raimi is having a tough day in Oz. The set designers have been watching to much HBO and everything looks like a prison; the Munchkins have got heavily into identity politics and are revising the script to remove all references to their stature and cuteness; the Witches have been arguing about the size of their respective trailers and now James Franco, to make matters worse, has started acting.
Studio Exec has been granted exclusive access to visionary director, Sam Raimi’s re-imagining of the Frank L. Baum classic universe made famous by the 1931 Judy Garland film The Wizard of Oz , but the yellow brick road has never been a straight one.
‘Ok, action Jamie,’ Sam shouts from behind his monitor.
‘What wondrous place is this, wokka wokka wokka!’ says Franco.
‘Cut, cut,’ Sam shouts. ‘Go again. Just say the line, Jamie without the … Just the line.’
‘This place wondrous is after so many days I have travelled,’ says Franco.
‘No, no, no, no,’ shouts Raimi. ‘Call Bruce Campbell!’
The first AD calls a lunch break and Raimi takes the opportunity to vent. ‘That fucking Franco is ruining everything. He signed on thinking that the film was going to be a biopic of Frank Oz, the famous voice artist and then film director. I gave him the book, I told him what it was about but he decided that he didn’t care, he was going to play everything like Frank Oz.’
At the canteen Franco is complaining there’s no R in his alphabet soup.
Raimi sits down in front of a small Greek salad and begins to eat. ‘When I came into this industry I was a maverick,’ he says. ‘I wanted to make original movies. First I made Evil Dead and Crime Wave, everything was sweet, but it all began to do wrong. Evil Dead II and Darkman I was still on the right track, but then the Spiderman films and now this. What have I done? What have I done?’
Raimi is weeping now. Tears run down his face and into his feta cheese.
‘Spiderman 2 was okay,’ I say.
‘You’re a kind man Chad,’ Raimi mumbles but then he catches sight of Franco – who is now ordering a ‘buk buk buk-ARK sandwich’ and his face collapses into pure unrestrained grief. ‘I can’t go on. I’m wasting my life.’
Rachel Weisz, Mila Kunis and Michelle Williams charge over to Raimi’s table and I decide it might be better to withdraw.
Oz: The Great and Powerful is slated for release on the 8th of March in Lithuania but the 27th of March in Spain, for reasons of irritation.
Mr Franco, or may I call you Jim?
Yeah man, yeah whatever.
Fine. Jim, your new film Oz: The Great and Powerful is due for release next year. Can you tell me the story of how you got involved in the project?
Nah Man. I’d rather talk about the album I’m working on. It’s all about the music.
Oh ok. I didn’t know you were working on an album.
Yeah Man I’ve got this song called ‘Lard Finger’. It’s jazz baby. For the ages.
I see. Tell me about about the song
Yeah man sure. Well you see I was making some pie cases and as I was mixing the pastry and stuff, when I noticed a big blob of lard had stuck to my finger.
Amazing…which finger was it if you don’t mind be asking?
Well it was this finger…the one with the lard on it.
I see…so you still have the lard on the finger?.
Yeah man, I didn’t want to wash it off, I thought it might be unlucky or something.
I understand. So how long has the blob of lard been attached to your finger?
About 2 months. No, 2 and a half months. Do you mind if I smoke?
No, not at all. So how did the Lard inspire you to create the song?
James has problems holding the cigarette due to the lard on the finger
Ah shit man.
Might I suggest you use your left hand.
Yeah Yeah, good idea.
So the inspiration?
Well I was looking at this lard on my finger and I started thinking to myself, what could I do with a finger of lard? Then in a flash, these lyrics came to me and I just had to write them down.
So you wrote all the lyrics down there and then?
Well no, I wanted to write them down but it’s a bit hard to hold a pen, what with the lard on my finger and all. so I phoned Greasy Bill from the band and he came over and wrote them for me.
Mind blowing stuff. Can you give us a taste of the lyrics?
Yeah sure I’ve got them in my pocket. You read them.
I’ve got Lard on my finger
I don’t mind if she’s a Ginger
If she lets me stick it in her.
I’ve got lard on my finger
With my finger I’ll syringe her
Lard, Lard,Lard, Lard
Oh Sweet Lard
Yeah man. Well read.
Thanks. So you’re obviously not afraid to be sexually provocative?
No man..I believe in freedom of expression. There are no boundaries only walls.
Indeed. Can we expect a similar theme from the rest of the album tracks?
Some are like the single, but other ones are a bit political, protest songs you know? Like something Dylan or Sting might write.
Can you give us a few examples?
Yeah…there’s er, ‘Dropped my doughnut’, ‘Microwave bacon’, ‘Cheese & onion pasty’ and ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’…that’s the political song.
Interesting, what’s the concept behind ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’?
Well l had this dream Scotland had been taken over by these Monkeys, they had like houses made of bananas and stuff and in this dream I was a Roman soldier on Hadrians Wall..and they were trying to get over the wall and take over England but I was fighting them off with a machine gun. It was a weird dream man.
And in what way is it political. Can you sing us a few lines?
James coughs and splutters.
I don’t normally do acapella so this might be a bit rusty.
Here come the monkeys
with their haggis and their heather
Here come the monkeys so lets
fight and stand together.
Here come the monkeys
in their tartan and their skirts.
Here come the monkeys
Let me shoot the monkey first
It sounds better with with instruments and stuff but you get the idea
I think I do…it’s about immigration right?
No man….it’s about saving the environment.
Saving the environment from Scottish Monkeys?
Yeah…see..you got it.
It seems I have. Well we are out time for today. Jim, it’s been a pleasure.
Yeah man cool, I enjoyed it. Put it there.
We shake hands.
Aw damn man. I forgot about the lard.
No problem, I’ll wash it off later.