5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has been one of the most startling and confusing incidents of last year and the Studio Exec FACT squad have been on the case behind the firewall and under the radar.

1. North Korea are responsible for the Sony Hack. The DPRK were angered by the James Franco/Seth Rogen ‘comedy’ The Interview because of the way it ridiculed the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.

2. A Sony insider is responsible for the Sony Hack. The ex-employee was angered by lay offs that Sony had recently carried out.

3. President Obama is responsible for the Sony Hack to distract the liberal mainstream media from the conspiracy that caused deaths in Benghazi.

4. Seth Rogen and James Franco are responsible for the Sony Hack because they wanted to boost business for what is a tediously dull frat boy comedy.

5. I am responsible for the Sony Hack because Sony are shit and one of the shittest things that they have done beyond their normally shit things is obviously  The Interview.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

KATE MIDDLETON’S ROYAL TWINS TO BE CALLED SONY AND KIM

LONDON – Pregnant British royal Kate Middleton will use the twins to save the day from the escalating tensions between Sony Pictures and North Korea.

Maybe in a bid to show the old gal it’s time for another woman to lead the Commonwealth, Prince William’s lady wife Kate Middleton announced she will single-handedly resolve the conflict over Hollywood comedy The Interview by naming their brewing twins Sony and Kim in honor of the electronics giants and its current nemesis, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The effort, she feels, will significantly dampen the current climate of anger and mistrust by immortalizing those two names side by side for eternity.

Prince William, speaking EXCLUSIVELY with The Studio Exec, explained the Royal decision.

Britain civilized the world, and will keep doing so for as long as it takes. Luckily, Kanye West gave his spawn such a colossally ridiculous handle that no other baby name henceforth will ever sound idiotic. That left us free to use our own progeny in forcing those two entities to stop acting like Kanye on his honeymoon and look at the bigger picture: A Seth Rogen comedy is no laughing matter, but for far different reasons.

The next in line to the throne declined to comment on how this decision would impact their son George, whom sources inside Buckingham palace say is already planning a use of his future siblings to swede the film at the center of this whole situation. Prince William did however convey his satisfaction with the pregnancy so far, citing the positive impact the twins are having on the “other twins”.

No word yet on possible terrorism threats from the alleged hackers to stop Kate from releasing the twins.

 

FRANCO AND ROGEN HANDED OVER TO NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Seth Rogen and James Franco have been captured and handed over to North Korea, following an executive order by President Obama.

Barack Obama told the White House press corp that he had interrupted his family vacation to sign the order, after a private screening of the film The Interview which has been at the center of whirlwind of controversy and has led to heightened tensions between the two countries.

The President stated:

At first I was angry at Sony for folding to the pressure of North Korea, but after I saw the film I was furious at them for green lighting The Interview in the first place. It’s a complete piece of shit. Adolescent brain dead humor, and James Franco trying to invent himself as a comic actor? No, no, no.

The FBI picked up the two actors who were due to make an appearance at a Boxing Day screening in Los Angeles and they were immediately handed over to the CIA who flew them to China where they were taken across the border to North Korea, where it is believed there is a very real possibility that they will not be treated well.

President Obama responded to accusations that he himself was folding to pressure from a dictatorship:

It’s got nothing to do with Kim Jong-un and him being displeased. It’s to do with the fact that these guys have made a shitty film and the American people need protecting from shitty films. Franco and Rogen are now in the hands of the DPRK and their ability to make a sequel to The Interview or for that matter Pineapple Express is severely depleted.

The Interview review is available here. 

THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW

THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW – After all the fuss, the hack, the threats, the censorship, the President’s comments, the executives replies and the final release, what is the James Franco and Seth Rogen film The Interview actually like?

Continue reading “THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW”

NORTH KOREA NATIONAL DEFENCE COMMISSION STATEMENT IN FULL

HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.

This is the statement in full:

Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.

All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.

Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.

The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.

The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

SONY PLANS THE INTERVIEW TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Seth Rogen’s film The Interview is to be followed by a further two films to complete a trilogy, Sony announced today, surprisingly not via a hacked email.

A spokesperson for the studio said that initially Sony had been lukewarm about the film and neither Seth Rogen nor James Franco had been keen on a follow up:

This was to be a one off political satire, but following all the stress that we’ve gone through courtesy of Guardians of the Peace, a North Korean cyber attack, we thought f*ck it, we might as well go for it now, if only to piss those bastards off.

 The remarkably candid spokesperson went on:

You see what the hack represents isn’t some freedom of speech thing like Wikileaks or Edward Snowden. Nor is it some exercise in web freedom and subversion. No, rather this is a form of censorship via extortion. They are basically saying don’t go after us or we can sabotage your entire operation. And if we let it go at that, then what other regime might try similar tactics? When will we get a satirical film about China’s human rights record or Russia’s? Or for that matter a documentary or serious drama? So that’s why we say, listen here Kim Jong Un, you asshole, stop behaving like a dick, or we’re just going to keep getting Franco and Rogen to go after you again and again.

The Interview: Kim Jong Un  will be followed by The Interview: Kim Jong Deux and The Interview: Kim Jong Trois, released in 2015 and 2016 respectively.

SONY EMAIL CALLS JAMES FRANCO ‘TALENTED’

HOLLYWOOD – Already reeling from the revelations of the recent hacking by the Guardians of the Peace, a new Sony email has revealed that top ranking executives thought James Franco was ‘talented’.

The exchange between Scott Rudin and Amy Pascal is much more amicable than the one previously published and involving the development of the Jobs movie. Even though the culprit has been arrested, hacked material continues to emerge.

<<Hey Amy,

Listen. I’m really pleased with the idea of casting James Franco with his buddy and Pineapple Express co-star Seth Rogen. I think the two are dynamite together. They will be this millennia’s Abbot and Costello. Mark my words. Good job Amy.

Scott>>

 <<Hi Scott,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know we don’t always see eye to eye (cf. Jobs emails) but I think we can both agree that James Franco is a no-brainer for this one. The guy has the whole package: smart, funny and dreamy to look at. Am I right?

Amy>>

 <<Hey Amy,

No you’re not wrong. Plus he’s a nice guy as well. And I hear he writes novels too. I’ve never read his book but one of my assistants tells me that it’s actually not horrible. Not that horrible.

Scott>>

<<Scott,

We should do more for Franco. I don’t think the world has had the opportunity to truly appreciate what a ‘talented’ guy he actually is. I mean, Spider-man 2 was obviously a game-changer, but he directs and writes poetry and appeared in a documentary about Marina Abramovic, the Eastern European tennis player.

Amy>>

<<Amy,

I love tennis! Jesus, it’s just crazy about how much we agree on this. I think we should just create a massive money pot dedicated to helping Franco do whatever it is he wants to do. Years from now the world will look back on this moment and say ‘Why did they not give the star of Oz: The Great and Powerful more exposure.

The Interview will be released despite all of this.

SONY HACKER ARRESTED

A man who police claim to be the Sony Hacker has been apprehended by the police.

The man, who the police identified as Matthew Broderick, is believed to be the leader of the Guardians of Peace, a pressure group who hacked into Sony servers and have been releasing embarrassing emails and pirate copies of films onto the internet ever since.

Officer Whickles spoke to the Studio Exec:

I’m fairly confident we have the right man. He has priors. In the Eighties he broke into the Pentagon war room computer, the mainframe that controls the nuclear weapons and he almost precipitated World War Three. Since that time he has been a person of interest and when we saw what was going on at Sony we knew this had his cyber fingerprints all over it.

As for motivation, Officer Whickles was quick to discount the notion that the Guardians of the Peace were objecting to the release of the Seth Rogen and James Franco film The Interview.

It appears to be more complex than that. We have email correspondence between Franco, Rogen and Matthew Broderick which clearly shows the hacking and the story behind it were concocted as some misguided ‘viral campaign’ to promote the film.

Matthew Broderick faces up to three films with Reese Witherspoon if found guilty.

The Interview will be released despite our best efforts. 

 

NETFLIX WIN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

STOCKHOLM – Entertainment streaming service Netflix today won the Nobel Peace Prize, beating off (but not violently) stiff competition from human rights protesters and Pakistani school girls.

The Academy decided to award the prestigious Prize as a direct response to the selflessness and sacrifice of the business in diminishing the violence perpetrated on the public. Academy Chair Olaf Spatt told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Netflix has given Adam Sandler a deal to make four films which will be distributed exclusively by  Netflix. This means that the public can go to the cinema without fear of accidentally seeing an Adam Sandler comedy such as Grown Ups 2 or Jack and Jill. And it will protect the weak-minded who might even believe that some of these comedies ‘are not that bad’.

Netflix joins James Franco who the other day won everything and who will share the Peace Prize.

JAMES FRANCO WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR EVERYTHING

STOCKHOLM – Film director, actor, painter, novelist, poet and co-star of Spider-man 2,  James Franco has swept the board at the Nobel Prizes, the Swedish and Norwegian Academy announced earlier today.

The Academy stated that the award which is usually divided into the Peace Prize and various Sciences, including ‘economic science’, had been awarded to James Franco ‘in recognition of his outstanding mastery of all fields of art, culture, science, performance, politics and life.’

In the past we have had some infamous omissions – Mahatma Gandhi being the most obvious. He was nominated for the Peace Prize but was assassinated before he could be awarded. To see that Gandhi didn’t get a Nobel Peace Prize and Henry Kissinger, or for that matter Barack ‘Drone’ Obama did, beggars belief and brings into disrepute the committee. It was with this in mind that the Academy decided to play it safe with Franco. If we had only given him one prize, the world would have been outraged by the exclusion of all the others so we got really drunk one night and someone shouted, ‘What the hell! Let’s give him the lot!’

James Franco responded to the news with ‘surprise and delight’:

I’d like to say I’m humbled, but with these cheek bones, that’s just not going to happen.

For more James Franco news (and we appear to have a lot) Click Here.

5 THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR AT THE VENICE FILM FESTIVAL

VENICE – The Venice Film Festival kicks off and here are five things you need to look out for or there is a distinct possibility you will die.

1. Birdman is the opening film of the festival and will be celebrated on the red carpet with the entire cast pretending to be birds. Michael Keaton will be a parrot, Emma Stone an emu and the ever dependable Edward Norton is expected to show up as a penguin.

2. Lars Von Trier will be showing his director’s cut of Nymphomaniac which is rumored to last three days and will feature Christian Slater’s penis. After the screening, Von Trier will be burned alive in a huge wicker phallus on the beach.

3. Al Pacino and Ethan Hawke are both appearing in two films and are expected to make much of this. Boasting about it and making silly asses of themselves as they try to impress girls. James Franco however is going to make three films while at the festival and therefore will beat everyone.

4. The jury is led by French composer Alexander Desplat who was named after a sound effect in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

5. Although the Golden Lion is not real gold, it is a real lion. Sofia Coppola was actually eaten by the lion when receiving the award for Somewhere. Unfortunately, she was regurgitated.

Studio Exec will be tweeting and blogging from the Lido from The Venice Film Festival from 27th August to 6th September, 2014. 

JAMES FRANCO REVEALS THIRD ARM

HOLLYWOOD –  How can James Franco be an actor, a novelist, a poet, a model, a screenwriter and a director while also making such wonderful perfume adverts?

It has been a mystery that has plagued Hollywood for years. Well, the answer was revealed today EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec.

Franco beckoned us in close and whispered conspiratorially:

I have a third arm.

What?

A third arm. Right here. See just under my left arm pit and going round toward my back. You want to see?

Jesus Christ. You’re like a Hindu deity!

Ha ha! You ain’t the first person to tell me that.

So this is how you do it.

Yeah. The little sucker is useful. I can be typing away on my novel with my normal hands and my extra arm will be composing a poem or taking a selfie from a real weird angle! Even when I’m directing a film, those little fingers can be scribbling something on a notepad under my shirt or simply scratching places most people can never scratch.

That’s why you always have that really smug expression on your face.

You got it.

Can we take a picture?

F*ck no. I won’t be getting a Hugo Boss contract if I’m a three armed freak, now will I?

I suppose not. But no one will believe us.

Hard shit. Ha ha ha.

And then James showed us three middle fingers before he ran off laughing his head off.

SETH ROGEN AND JAMES FRANCO SURRENDERED TO NORTH KOREA

 HOLLYWOOD – The White House confirmed this morning that stars of The Interview, Seth Rogen and James Franco have been surrendered to the North Korean authorities and are currently being held in an unconfirmed location somewhere in North Korea.

Continue reading “SETH ROGEN AND JAMES FRANCO SURRENDERED TO NORTH KOREA”

5 STORIES WE DIDN’T WRITE

HOLLYWOOD – There are a number of stories in the past that have been attributed to the Studio Exec which were not our work and we would like in the interests of clarity and intellectual honesty to make this abundantly clear. Here is a list of stories which have caused some confusion.

1. Matthew McConaughey’s Oscar acceptance speech

2. James Franco to play Tommy Wiseau. Although nowadays each journalist has been issued with an automatic James Franco headline generator, this one stood out as almost identical to something we would publish, but alas it was not our doing. If it goes ahead, and there are only rumors at the moment, the universe will probably implode on its own stupidity.

3. Private Benjamin remake to star Rebel Wilson. Or for that matter Lethal Weapon reboot to star Chris Hemsworth.

4.  Miley Cyrus singing to a huge inflatable model of her dead dog.

5. Justin Bieber just being. 

For more FACTS however, CLICK here.