JAMES FRANCO’S NEW FILM: RICHARD GERE AND THE GERBIL

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco announces new film: Richard Gere and the Gerbil.

Following the moderate success of The Disaster Artist, Hollywood chronicler and self-proclaimed Renaissance Man James Franco turns his attention to one of the most resilient myths of Tinsel Town: Richard Gere and the Gerbil. We talked to the Spider-Man 2 star about his new project and this is what he said:

All aspects of the business interest me. And having recently been on the receiving end of the gossip, I suddenly became interested in the way stories get spread and are attached to people. Even when they are demonstrably false.

Wait. Richard Gere didn’t stuff a gerbil up his asshole?

No. That’s the point. Not only did Richard Gere not do it. There are zero reports of anyone in the Los Angeles area ever having to get a rodent removed from the lower colon.

But Sylvester Stallone told me that…

That’s how these things start. And it’s always Stallone.

That motherfucker!

I know. He spread this story around the time of Pretty Woman, that Gere had been at a wild party and they’d run this gerbil up a tune into his ass and it had got stuck. Apparently, he had to go to Sinai to have it removed. But it’s all nonsense.

So your film will debunk this whole thing, right?

No, we’re going to take the idea. What if it really did happen? And we’re going to dramatize that!

But wait! Won’t that just stoke the story?

Yeah, and yet who wants to see a movie where Richard Gere doesn’t get a gerbil shoved up his ass.

Not me. 

There you go.

Richard Gere and the Gerbil is out in 2020.

 

TOMMY WISEAU TO PLAY JAMES FRANCO IN ASSHOLE

HOLLYWOOD – The star, writer and director of The Room Tommy Wiseau is to play James Franco in a new film about the actor called simply: Asshole.

First James Franco made The Disaster Artist about Tommy Wiseau and now Tommy Wiseau is making his own film about the life of James Franco. Asshole will be the storythe rise of the writer, director and actor James Franco, from his humble beginnings on Freaks and Geeks to his triumph in Spider-Man 2.

Tommy spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I like James. I say James, you’re my best friend. We make movie together and everything. But he steal my life. He act like me. Not just like me. He is me. And I say ha ha! That’s okay. But inside I get mad as hell. That’s what we’re all like in New Orleans. We get angry but we hide it. It’s a famous thing. You know.

Go on.

The last straw was the Golden Globes. He win big prize and he is playing me. So I go up and I try to talk into mic and he push me away, he say like no way Tommy. Or something like that. I don’t know. So I say afterwards, it’s okay James. I make movie about you. And him and Seth Rogen and Dave Franco his incredibly young looking father, they’re like ha ha, very funny. Big joke. And I’m thinking yeah it’s just a joke. But deep down under that thought there’s another thought and that thought is I’m going make movie.

Asshole?

What the f…

No, that’s the title of your movie.

Oh yeah. Asshole. Ha ha. It’s a big joke. But it isn’t because he really is an asshole. And everyone will see.

Asshole will be released in 2020.

FIRST LOOK AT BILLY ZANE AS BRANDO IN MAKING APOCALYPSE

HOLLYWOOD – First photographs of Billy Zane as Marlon Brando in Todd Haynes’ new movie ‘Making Apocalypse’ released.

Billy Zane stars as Marlon Brando in new movie Making Apocalypse. The film tells the story of the filming of Francis Ford Coppola’s Vietnam epic Apocalypse Now. Director Todd Haynes spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We focus on the arrival of Marlon Brando. Coppola had shot much of the film but he needed Brando for the third act. He’d only managed to secure the actor for a number of days and at huge expense. When he arrived Brando was out of shape and didn’t know his lines, so Coppola sat with him and read him Heart of Darkness the Joseph Conrad novel that the film was based on.

How did Billy approach the role?

In many ways, Billy Zane is our Brando. If you look at his work in Titanic or Dead Calm, basically any of the films when he’s in a boat and he is superb. Take him onto dry land and I agree he struggles.

Right.

Here the challenge was obviously enormous. But Billy wanted to respect Brando and so he decided to follow in Brando’s footsteps.

He employed the method?

He ate a lot, refused to learn his lines and charged us an arm and a leg.

The film also stars Seth Rogen as Francis Ford Coppola and James Franco as Dennis Hopper. Although Charlie Sheen was originally cast to play the role of Martin Sheen, the role has since gone to British actor Michael Sheen.

Making Apocalypse will be released in 2020.

JAMES FRANCO BURIES TOMMY WISEAU IN AN UNMARKED GRAVE

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco has admitted to burying Tommy Wiseau in an unmarked grave.

Following his best actor victory at the Golden Globes, James Franco took the inspiration for The Disaster Artist Tommy Wiseau to an undisclosed location and buried him in an unmarked grave. It is unclear whether Wiseau was alive when he was buried. Franco spoke to journalists at an after party and brushing the desert sand from his trousers, defended his actions:

Tommy directed one of the worst films ever made. The Room. But he soon became the inspiration for a wonderful film and performance by me. James Franco. And his brother David Franco and Seth Rogan and you know the rest. So Tommy has more than served his purpose. It became clear however that Tommy is not content with serving as my inspiration and now he actually wants to speak to people and I just couldn’t let that happen.

But why kill him?

I didn’t say I killed him. No one said I killed him. did you hear me say I killed him?

No. 

Okay then.

But you buried him.

I did. I buried him in an unmarked grave so you’ll never find him.

So he’ll be dead. 

It’s possible.

What’s your next film going to be?

I want to make a film about Jim Carrey making the documentary Jim and Andy about Jim Carrey playing Andy Kaufman in Man in the Moon.

James and Jim and Andy will be released in 2019.

JAMES FRANCO IN TALKS FOR ALIEN SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Stand out Alien: Covenant star James Franco is in talks to return in a possible sequel.

Alien: Covenant has its problems. However, everyone believes that James Franco stood out as the best thing in it. Good news. It looks like he will be back for the sequel. James came round to the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss a possible follow up.

I was so happy to play a small role in Alien. I’ve loved the franchise my whole life so it was a dream come true to be there. Ridley Scott and I talked for hours about the role. Even though I don’t play a major part we worked out this back story and all these ideas. Now with the great reviews coming in, we got on the phone and started talking how to bring Captain Branson back.

So this will be a prequel?

No. Ridley talked me out of that idea. He’s done prequels already and he didn’t have a happy experience. No, this is going to follow on directly from Alien: Covenant.

But didn’t Captain Branson die?

What do you actually see though? Is it possible that was a hologram? Is it possible that Branson was actually a synthetic and another copy of him is lurking on board?

Wow. Is that the way this is going?

I don’t know. Just saying, these are all possibilities.

Alien: Branson’s Pickle will be released in 2018.

UNION DISPUTE MIGHT MEAN WAR OF THE PLANET OF THE APES WILL NOT FEATURE APES

HOLLYWOOD – Due to a union dispute it looks likely that War of the Planet of the Apes won’t features apes.

Following a protracted legal dispute, it is now becoming likely that Matt Reeves new film War of the Planet of the Apes will be the first in the franchise not to feature the rebellious primates.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Matt Reeves has discussed for the first time the fraught conditions and legal wrangles which has placed his production in serious danger:

The fact of the matter is after the success of the first two films, the apes have let it go a little to their head and Doodles – the ape who plays Cesar – has started making exorbitant demands. A 500% wage hike, unlimited bananas and something he calls a ‘groomer’ to be on call 24 hours a day. It’s crazy. We knew that if we gave way to him, we’d have to give the same things to the rest of the cast and there are literally thousands of these Goddamned monkeys.

However, Doodles has a different view of the matter:

First off, Doodles is my slave name. I prefer to be called  Andy Serkis. It’s the name I’ve chosen for myself. Secondly, all this guff about bananas. That’s just humancentric speciesism. You assholes have got us picking flees and eating bananas and dressing up in human clothes for novelty calendars for too long. We have identities and feelings and I’d ask the studio this, do you think anyone is coming to the films to see James Franco? Or Jason Clarke? No, I didn’t think so.

In spite of the apeless planet, Matt Reeves is convinced that the new film will be as good as the ones that came before.

The monkey thing was getting a bit tired anyway. This film we’re using giraffes. They’re cheap and much funnier with their goofy necks.

War of the Planet of the Apes will be released in 2018.

HAVE YOU MET JAMES FRANCO’S INCREDIBLY YOUNG LOOKING FATHER?

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco’s father reveals the secret of his youth.

The family resemblance is obvious but what many people don’t know is that Dave Franco is actually James Franco’s father! Dave Franco – who is also an actor starring in such films as 21 Jump Street and Nerve – spoke EXCLUSIVELY about his relationship with his son.

Many people think we’re brothers and I take that as a real compliment but the truth will out.

But you actually look younger than James.

I wouldn’t want to say anything about James’ lifestyle choices, not to the press anyhow. But all I can say for myself is lots of grapefruit juice and Pilates.

So that’s your secret?

It’s no secret, but that’s what I do.

And the acting is a family tradition.

I saw James do Spider-man 2 and I just thought, he’s great and it looks so easy. Why don’t you move over and let your old man take a shot? We have a rivalry and James will often retreat to his room sobbing. He was in there for weeks after Pineapple Express. But we also give each other advice and help each other out.

What does his mother think of all this?

She’s super-psyched. In fact she’s got into things too, but she’s using her maiden name. Including Spanish fascists, way too many Francos!

What’s her name?

Rooney Mara.

But she’s really young. She can’t possibly be…

Now I can’t give away her secrets, but carrot juice and yoga.

Nerve is in theaters now.

PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

CHINA LIKING WARCRAFT ‘MIGHT BE PSYCH WARFARE’

HOLLYWOOD – The blockbusting performance of Warcraft in China might be part of a cunning psychological campaign, warn Pentagon.

Warcraft didn’t perform well on its domestic US opening and it has been roundly savaged by the critics, but in China it has broken records, much to the pleased amazement of the studio. The fantasy video game cross-over directed by Douglas Jones is a bizarre mixture of every fantasy cliche around, with a lump of Shrek dolloped in the middle. It looked like it was going to take a deserved beating at the box office but then China came to the rescue with a performance that exceeded even the most optimistic expectations. However, a shadowy figure from the Pentagon has told the Studio Exec that all might not be what it seems:

The Chinese are crafty and this is not the first time an antagonist has tried to flummox us with this kind of misdirection. For years the French told us they loved Jerry Lewis. They celebrated him, gave him awards, showed his films. No one could work it out. We watched them and watch them and all the while the French were laughing up their sleeves. Goddamned bastards.

But Warcraft…?

 Yeah, well I watched Warcraft and there isn’t anything in this movie to like. Not a goddamned thing. The Chinese have intentionally ordered everyone in their country to go and see it just to sow self-doubt in the minds of American movie goers. We’re all second guessing and in the meantime half of Hollywood is green-lighting the Warcraft sequels and a new sequel to Dungeons and Dragons starring Jeremy Irons. We’ll pour all our money and time into that and in the meanwhile the Chinese are tunneling to Hawaii. You remember how a year ago North Korea managed to convince us that James Franco and Seth Rogen were some how edgy.

Jeez, you’re right! 

See. Do you see? Finally?

Warcraft is on current release.

NOAM CHOMSKY EXCITED ABOUT SAUSAGE PARTY

NEW YORK – Noam Chomsky has broken with tradition and spoken out about a new Hollywood movie that he is really excited about seeing: Sausage Party, starring Paul Rudd and Kristen Wiig.

Famous linguist and radical political thinker Noam Chomsky has broken his habitual silence on matters of cinema to talk about how excited he is about Sausage Party, the new animated comedy about a sausage having an identity crisis. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Chomsky explained his excitement:

I can’t wait for Sausage Party. It’s the only film for decades to really get me going. I think it’s going to be f*cking hilarious. I mean there’s this sausage and all these other sort of food stuffs and the sausage realizes they’re all going to be eaten. It’s like Orwell but for the new millennium and it’s written by Seth Rogen and he’s f*cking hilarious. What a guy. Him and James Franco. They’re amazing.

So it’s the sociopolitical subtext that you’re…

Oh shit no. It’s the shits and giggles that I go for. Jesus, I swear to God I spend my whole day talking about the war on terror, the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Venezuela, when I go to the pictures I just want to see some really funny food animation and loads of off-color humor. Did you see Dirty Grandpa?

But from a linguistic point of view it must be…

Shut up. How about that for linguistic point of view. Shut your f*cking trap.

Professor Chomsky!

Professor Chomsky [in a high pitch ]. Jesus, I just want to laugh a Paul Rudd animated film, scripted by Seth Rogen, with a salacious title and I hope and pray a cameo from James Franco and you have to ruin everything. You ass biscuit!

Sausage Party is out soon.

SETH ROGEN TO STAR IN WHERE’S WALDO?

HOLLYWOOD – Seth Rogen is to star in a new live action version of the spot the kid with the stripey jumper and woolly hat Where’s Waldo?

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Seth Rogen was full of beans about his new film Where’s Waldo?

Where’s Waldo? is the one of the most exciting properties I’ve ever worked on. I loved The Interview and Pineapple Express and I’d love to get The Franco on board for this too.

So Where’s Waldo? is based on the … thing? The book with the guy in the crowd?

That’s right. Growing up Waldo was like… this icon. He was a book of course but also a game, and in some ways he was also a really deep philosophical notion.

I don’t get it. This is the guy with the red and white…

Yeah. The hat and the sweater and he’s in the crowd and you have to spot him.

And this is going to be a cartoon? I mean, you’re doing the voices?

No, it’s live action. We’re going to be in it. I’m in it. I’m going to play Waldo. And we’re going to make it interactive so that the audience can actually shout out ‘Waldo’s there!’ I’ve found him.

Are you high?

Absolutely. So what?

No reason.

All we need is the Franco on board. He can like be trying to find Waldo. Maybe he can shout out Where’s Waldo? and it’ll be great.

Where’s Waldo? will be released in 2017.

JAMES FRANCO AND ANNE HATHAWAY ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested today under a charge of attempted abduction.

The two Hollywood actors James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested and charged with attempted kidnapped, after they were discovered early this morning hiding outside Chris Rock’s house with rope, duct tape and a large Persian carpet. Suspicion was raised when an off duty police officer observed the Les Miserables star and her Spider-man 3 accomplice crouching in the bushes outside the grounds of Chris Rock’s house in the Hollywood hills. The pair were apprehended and a back up car was called.

Officer Dibble of the LAPD told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I could hear Anne Hathaway singing under her breath as the two were apparently waiting for the lights to go out in the house. She was singing something about there was a time when men were kind, their voices soft their words inviting.

What was Franco doing? 

He was smoking something that later found out was for his glaucoma.

The two actors shot to fame in 2011 when together they hosted the Academy Awards, alternatively known as the Oscars. Mr. Rock is due to host the ceremony himself and has been apprised of the attempt, but it is unclear as to whether or not he will press charges. The police say they are baffled as to the motive as both Hathaway and Franco are rightly regarded as the best Oscar hosts ever.

The Academy Awards will be broadcast on the 28th of February.

BLOOD MERIDIAN GETS A DIRECTOR

HOLLYWOOD – The cult Cormac MacCarthy novel Blood Meridian is going to get a cinema outing after Tommy Lee Jones finally secured a director after years in development.

The rights to Cormac MacCarthy’s novel “Blood Meridian” were secured by Tommy Lee Jones many years ago, but due to the difficulty of the material no studio has been willing to back a version. A number of directors have expressed their wish to tackle it, including Ridley Scott and James Franco even made a twenty minute screen test of the material.

Tommy Lee Jones finally secured his dream director and told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY how it came about:

I’d always wanted Blood Meridian to have a certain look and there was only one director who I thought could truly bring that vision to the screen: Sam Peckinpah.

But Sam Peckinpah’s dead.

Noted. And that was what you might call a deal-breaker. But then I got talking to these cyro-genic engineers at a hotel bar and they told me how they could revive a long dead body and 3D print the dead man’s brain. All they needed was the head. So I dug up the body of Sam Peckinpah.

Jesus Christ.

An apt blasphemy considering the resurrection. But it was more like “Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia”. We got the head to the lab and printed off the brain uploaded it into the computer and asked if Sam would consider directing the movie. I can’t say he was particularly happy about being alive again, but we gave him some e-whiskey and he warmed to the idea.

This is the craziest story I’ve ever heard.

I know. But can you imagine? We’re going to get Blood Meridian directed by Sam Peckinpah. Now all we need is someone like William Holden, or Warren Oates to play the Judge. I’m too old for it now, but I know Zac Efron is in the frame. I don’t know the actor but they tell me he is gritty.

I think you’re going to need that shovel again.

Blood Meridian will be released in 2018. 

SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS HILLARY CLINTON IN RODHAM

Spot the difference

 HOLLYWOOD – Finally the speculation is over as Scarlett Johansson signs up to star in the Hillary Clinton bio-pic provisionally entitled Rodham.

Director James Ponsoldt stated:

We’re very pleased to have an actress of Scarlett’s calibre with us. Looking over her CV we can see she has everything it takes for her to tackle such a complex individual as the former First Lady and Democratic presidential candidate. She’ll need the tenacity and strength of the Black Widow, the droll humour of Ghost World and when it comes to Bill, she has the romantic comedy of He’s Just Not That Into You to fall back on.

Originally Reese Witherspoon was considered a favourite for the role but as an insider close to the production rather cruelly pointed out: ‘When even a state trooper doesn’t know who you are, then, well, no one knows who you are’.

Ms. Johansson has often professed her interest in politics and her admiration for Hillary Clinton in particular. ‘She’s the one with the hair, right?’ she said, once. The film will focus on her early life and the beginnings of her relationship with Bill, who will be played by James Franco. Franco said that in preparation for the role ‘I inhaled’.

Rodham is due to start filming later this year.