Mr Franco, or may I call you Jim?

Yeah man, yeah whatever.

Fine. Jim, your new film Oz: The Great and Powerful is due for release next year. Can you tell me the story of how you got involved in the project?

Nah Man. I’d rather talk about the album I’m working on. It’s all about the music.

Oh ok. I didn’t know you were working on an album.

Yeah Man I’ve got this song called ‘Lard Finger’. It’s jazz baby. For the ages.

I see. Tell me about about the song

Yeah man sure. Well you see I was making some pie cases and as I was mixing the pastry and stuff, when I noticed a big blob of lard had stuck to my finger.

Amazing…which finger was it if you don’t mind be asking?

Well it was this finger…the one with the lard on it.

I see…so you still have the lard on the finger?.

Yeah man, I didn’t want to wash it off, I thought it might be unlucky or something.

I understand. So how long has the blob of lard been attached to your finger?

About 2 months. No, 2 and a half months. Do you mind if I smoke?

No, not at all. So how did the Lard inspire you to create the song?

James has problems holding the cigarette due to the lard on the finger

Ah shit man. 

Might I suggest you use your left hand.

Yeah Yeah, good idea.

So the inspiration?

Well I was looking at this lard on my finger and I started thinking to myself, what could I do with a finger of lard? Then in a flash, these lyrics came to me and I just had to write them down.

So you wrote all the lyrics down there and then?

Well no, I wanted to write them down but it’s a bit hard to hold a pen, what with the lard on my finger and all. so I phoned Greasy Bill from the band and he came over and wrote them for me.

Mind blowing stuff. Can you give us a taste of the lyrics?

Yeah sure I’ve got them in my pocket. You read them.

I’ve got Lard on my finger                

I don’t mind if she’s a Ginger        
If she lets me stick it in her. 

I’ve got lard on my finger
With my finger I’ll syringe her
Lard, Lard,Lard, Lard

Oh Sweet Lard

Yeah man. Well read.

Thanks. So you’re obviously not afraid to be sexually provocative?

No man..I believe in freedom of expression. There are no boundaries only walls.

Indeed. Can we expect a similar theme from the rest of the album tracks?

Some are like the single, but other ones are a bit political, protest songs you know? Like something Dylan or Sting might write.

Can you give us a few examples?

Yeah…there’s er, ‘Dropped my doughnut’, ‘Microwave bacon’, ‘Cheese & onion pasty’ and ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’…that’s the political song.

Interesting, what’s the concept behind ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’? 

Well l had this dream Scotland had been taken over by these Monkeys, they had like houses made of bananas and stuff and in this dream I was a Roman soldier on Hadrians Wall..and they were trying to get over the wall and take over England but I was fighting them off with a machine gun. It was a weird dream man.

And in what way is it political. Can you sing us a few lines?

Yeah..no problem.

James coughs and splutters.

I don’t normally do acapella so this might be a bit rusty.

No problem

Here come the monkeys
with their haggis and their heather
Here come the monkeys so lets
fight and stand together.
Here come the monkeys
in their tartan and their skirts.
Here come the monkeys
Let me shoot the monkey first

It sounds better with with instruments and stuff but you get the idea

I think I do…it’s about immigration right?

No man….it’s about saving the environment.

Saving the environment from Scottish Monkeys?

Yeah…see..you got it.

It seems I have. Well we are out time for today. Jim, it’s been a pleasure.

Yeah man cool, I enjoyed it. Put it there.

We shake hands.

Aw damn man. I forgot about the lard.

No problem, I’ll wash it off later.