JAMES CAMERON TALKS AVATAR SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron has been talking exclusively to Studio Exec about his Avatar sequels due to start filming later this year and will – he confirmed – be filmed in 125 FPS ‘as a kind of fuck you to Peter Jackson’.

‘So the Avatar sequels?’ James Cameron leans back in his chair and says:
When we did the first film, I was really inspired by Kevin Costner’s work in Dances with Wolves. I remember seeing that film and thinking how much better it would have been if it had been in 3D, on another planet and most everyone had been blue. So when I sat down to start my script on A2 I figured let’s got to the well again.

So can you give us any details?

Well, let’s just say that we’re on Pandora again with Jake (played by Sam Worthington), but now he’s down on his luck. Neytiri (played by Zoe Saldana), on the other hand, has actually become a really famous pop star – they now have pop as part of their culture – anyways, she’s a famous pop star and ironically it turns out that Jake becomes her phantteeveezi or what we call a ‘bodyguard’.

Wow. That’s kind of similar to…

I know, I know. Isn’t it great? But everyone’ll be blue and it’ll be in 3D and on Pandora.

And there are rumours you’re prepping Avatar 3, is that true?

Yeah, we want to film them back to back for budgetary reasons. We haven’t completed the script but I already have a treatment for A3. I don’t want to give away any spoilers.

Okay but broadly?

Well, Jake’s a bit older. And he now works as a lawyer. When the Na’vi President J’ohn Fi’rld Knn’di is assassinated, Jake begins to suspect a conspiracy.

Don’t you worry Kevin Costner might sue you?

No, Kevin’s a sweet guy and dumb as a stump. Did you see Tin Cup? Sheez. 

Avatars will be released in 2017.

JOHN CONNOR SENT BACK IN TIME TO DESTROY TERMINATOR SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron announced today that he had sent John Connor back in time to destroy a number of Terminator sequels.

The sequels Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the Sarah Connor Chronicles and Terminator Salvation will all be destroyed by Connor, James Cameron stated.

Things have gone to far and they’ve gotten way too complicated. The original film was a blast and it had a lot of stuff I was very proud of. Then Terminator 2: Judgement Day took it to another level. The best film in my opinion. Arnold Schwarzenegger has never been better and Linda Hamilton and the story actually had something interesting to say. But then we got to the third one. I didn’t direct it myself and the result was frankly substandard and then things really started to go south.

According to the Avatar director, the mission will see Connor meeting Cameron in the past and either persuading him to forego the ancillary rights or killing him.

With the sequels all gone, the new film Terminator Genisys might just make some sense.

But surely that will create a paradox?

What do you mean?

Well, if they succeed in killing you, then you won’t be able to send John Connor back to stop you from… you see?

F*ck, I have to get Arnie on the phone tout suite! Thanks Exec.

Terminator: Genisys will be released or not in the FUTURE!

JOSH HARTNETT TO RETURN FROM THE MOON NEXT YEAR

MOON BASE ONE – A communication from Weyland Industries informed the world today that Josh Hartnett would be returning from his seven year mission on Moon Base One early next year and was raring to get back into film acting.

In his first statement for some years, included in the transmission, the Faculty star Josh Hartnett said:

I am very grateful for Weyland Industries for giving me the opportunity to work somewhere unaffected by The Black Dahlia. I won’t lie. It was hard getting myself back together after that unholy smear of a movie, but I’ve been thinking, taking stock and what not, and I’m ready to come back and get back to some serious work.

Exactly what work is done on the far side of the moon has been shrouded in secrecy but it is understood that the Weyland Corporation funded by Michael Bay and  James Cameron has been utilizing Hollywood exiles in their mining operations. The mysterious minerals are used to fund Mr. Cameron’s deep sea diving expeditions and it believed that Mr. Bay is saving up to buy a very large woman.

Josh Hartnett continued:

I’ve made a lot of friends on the moon. It was great working here with Mike Myers. He operates the main drill and does all these funny voices. And Bridget Fonda’s here as well. She is in charge of the experimental medical laboratories is a real nice lady, though the screaming that comes from the lab is sometimes disturbing. In the cafeteria, we’d all tell old stories of our time back on Earth. It was cozy.

Josh Harnett initially went to the Moon following the release of Brian DePalma’s Black Dahlia, a film so bad it threatened to uninvent cinema.

Josh Hartnett will be making landfall in January, 2016.

NEW ALIEN FILM WILL ALSO STAR SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – District 9 and Elysium director Neill Blomkamp confirms that his new Alien film will also feature Spider-Man.

How the ubiquitous web-slinger will be joining the Xenomorph has not yet been made clear, but Blomkamp tweeted an image which shows clearly some concept art featuring Spidey’s mask pasted over a hunter xenoform’s body, apparently from Aliens. Alien watcher Emily Zapatta said:

This is a very exciting prospect.  Neil Blomkamp is someone who obviously loves mixing up genres. The documentary style with the alien film in District 9. The good film at the beginning of Elysium with the awful one that just goes on and on with the rest of the film. So Spider-Man fighting Aliens or even being an Alien… Why Not?

 Neill Blomkamp spokes with Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I didn’t really want to put Spider-Man in my film but the fact of the matter is we’re going to be releasing it in 2017 and there is a rule that any film post 2016 has to have a Marvel character in it or it won’t be distributed. I hear Star Wars are going with The Guardians of the Galaxy.

But how is that going to make sense with the original series?

Sense? Ha! That’s not considered that important any more. Look we’re trying to get Sigourney in but apparently she’s going to have to dress as a Ghostbuster.

But how does that…?

Don’t ask! I mean, it makes me want to go and do something less morally dubious. Design and sell chemical weapons to Third World dictators.

The Amazing Alien will be released in 2017.

JAMES CAMERON TO SCRIPT CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON 2

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar genius James Cameron is to script the sequel to Ang Lee’s hit kung-fu movie: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon 2.

The Titanic director, who is currently hard at work on Avatar 2 and 3, took time out of his busy schedule to talk EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his work on the project:

I’m very good friends with Ang Lee ever since on the eve of my expedition to the bottom of the Mariana Trench he sent me a good luck card with a picture of Nemo from the movie Finding Nemo. And inside he wrote ‘I hope you find your Nemo!’ It was really one of the most thoughtful things I’ve ever received. I mean I don’t have a lot of friends.

How did that lead to you working on the script?

Well, I got to thinking about the film when we watched the original over Christmas last year and so I wrote a spec sequel. This is something I often do. That’s how I got the original job on Aliens. I wrote the script and just gave it to Walter Hill. And I got the gig. Before that I wrote a prequel to Jaws. My version is called Jaw.

What happens in the film?

It is essentially similar to the first film in that a sword is stolen and the hero and his longtime friend, who he wants to be his girlfriend, but who he can’t because he’s like a monk or something, anyway they have to retrieve the stolen sword. But in this movie we decided to repair what I saw as an essential flaw in Ang’s version. We’re going to actually have Dragons and Tigers and loads of them. Sure they’ll be some crouching and some hiding, but in Ang Lee’s version there was so much hiding I didn’t even see the Goddamn dragon. And I can only assume the tiger was crouching behind the dragon!

Crouching Tigers Hidden Dragons will be released in 2016.

SHAME RE-RELEASED IN IMAX 3D

HOLLYWOOD – Steve McQueen’s second feature – Shame starring Michael Fassbender – is to get a 3D IMAX release this month.

James Cameron said that this ‘was exactly what 3D was for.’

The Aliens director went on and on:

Can you imagine Michael Fassbender’s massive performance on the massive IMAX screen and then add to that the 3D which will mean you can almost, in the words of Depeche Mode, reach out and touch it? I know that I’ll be first in line to see that.

Steve McQueen himself remains skeptical of the new technology.

‘Cinema itself is an immersive experience and I’m not sure what this can add,’ he told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY. ‘But then again, money.’

Shame will be on limited release in IMAX cinemas near you from Friday.

3D WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, ADMITS JAMES CAMERON

HOLLYWOODJames Cameron admitted today in a shock revelation that will undoubtedly rock the whole of Hollywood that the reintroduction of 3D was actually the result of an off-the-cuff remark, which was supposed to be a joke.

The Avatar “visionary” is famous for his hilarious sense of humor and is only challenged by Woody Harrelson for the crown as king of the Hollywood practical jokers.

Bill Paxton tells the story:

This was a couple of years after Titanic and everyone was hanging on Jimmy’s every word, all the top brass at the studios, anything he said they would jump to do because as far as they could see he was golden. One evening we’re eating out at thisJapanese restaurant and he challenges me. He says “What is the most ridiculous thing that I can ask for?” So I think and then I say “3D”.

The Piranha 2: The Spawning director and the Twister actor laughed over their sushi, but Jimmy Cameron took up the gauntlet. ‘I was amazed when I first heard that Avatar was going to be in 3D,’ the Paxo man recalls. ‘But then it became unstoppable. The irony is Jimmy hates 3D as much as anyone else.’

With arguments raging about expensive equipment, exorbitant ticket prices, reduced luminosity and silly glasses, the erstwhile King of the World has finally decided to come clean.

‘I didn’t mean it to go so far but really, you’re all too gullible. You have to remember I’m, the guy who put Arnie Schwarzenegger in a 007 kind of role. I’m the guy who made out like Michael Biehn was an actor. Come on, seriously. How could you take anything I said at face value?’

Is it true that you yourself don’t like 3D?

‘It’s like those theaters we used to make out of cereal boxes when we were kids. It’s embarrassingly bad. A series of flat surfaces. It looks flatter than 2D for crying out loud,’ Cameron starts shouting, his lips flecked with spit. ‘Why do you think I keep going down to the bottom of the ocean? It’s the only place I can go and have a really good laugh at you assholes.’

Avatar 2 and 3 are due out sometime in the next decade.

AVATAR SEQUELS TO BE IN 1D

MARIANA TRENCH – James Cameron has revealed today that the Avatar sequels – provisionally entitled Avatar 2, Avatar 3, and Avatar 4 – will be released in 1D, a revolutionary new viewing experience which is utterly deprived of depth and nuance.

Former King of the World James Cameron could hardly contain his excitement speaking about the new technology:

With the first film we almost got there and I have to give Sam Worthington all the credit. The man is so one dimensional a performer, he has to be genuinely careful when he walks over grating.

What are the benefits of this new viewing experience? 

It means there is no clutter of depth. People who already have problems with depth perception will find the new films easy to watch. The plot if shallow, the characters have no interiority – they’re basically cardboard cut outs of generic types – and any political subtext is actually just out and out text.

Amazing! 

Isn’t it? The story will be predictable and the special effects will be so-so. It’s going to be fantastic.

So why have you abandoned 3D?

3D was always supposed to be a joke (Click Here for that story). I was always surprised and then more than a little embarrassed when it had such a big effect, but I didn’t take into account the ludicrous price hike that it would bring in. 

And following Avatar, what are your plans?

That will take us a long way into the future but after that I really want to change direction. And I’ve been talking with the studio about directing a sequel to Spielberg’s Schindler’s List. My script is already done.

Avatar 2, Avatar 3 and Avatar 4 will be released in 2015, 2016 and 2017 and Schindler’s Lists will be released in 2018.

JAMES CAMERON PREPS TITANICS

HOLLYWOOD – During an AMA on Reddit James Cameron, genius submarine driver, revealed that he is working on a spin off from his Oscar busting commercial success Titanic.

The Abyss director and ‘King of the World’ (TM James Cameron)  declared:

The new film will be a prequel – naturally – and will be based entirely on Billy Zane’s character. I don’t think a day has gone by without someone saying to me: ‘but what about Caledon ‘Cal’ Hockley? What was his life like following the Titanic disaster and maybe even before?’ So we decided to answer those questions.

The Terminator 2: Day of Judgement brain face continued:

 My idea was very simple. What if Cal was struck by huge remorse at having betrayed his notion of honor and escaped the sinking ship. He’s made a vast fortune and although we might have given away something in the script about him killing himself, he actually fakes his death so he can use the money he’s squirreled away to build two brand new Titanics. That’s the title by the way. I always come up with the title first and then try to fit the story into the title and that’s often a challenge. Anyhow unbeknownst to Cal, on the maiden voyages of the Titanics, the Atlantic Ocean has something in store for them – two icebergs – which the arrogant captains are rushing towards believing (mistakenly) that their ships are unsinkables.

Internet speculation has been explosive as to whether Cameron is serious or whether he is telling True Lies.

Titanics will be released in 2031. 

SAM WORTHINGTON DELETED

HOLLYWOOD – The film industry was in mourning today as news came in that ‘actor’ Sam Worthington had been deleted, when the memory stick he was stored on was accidentally/on  purpose snapped by Avatar director James Cameron.

Sam Worthington was initially written as company for S1mone the star of the eponymous 2002 Andrew Nichols film starring Al Pacino. When S1mone committed suicide a year later, James Cameron took custody of Worthington and a friendship began. Although Worthington was too artificial an intelligence to act convincingly with other humans, he was perfect in Avatar. However, as his star rose, he insisted on being treated like a real human being and even tried his hand at roles such as Perseus in the Clash of the Wrath of the Titans and A Man on a Ledge. Despite these brave attempts, Worthington never quite got the emotional depth required for playing human beings. 

Despite the fact that James Cameron has claimed to have purposefully destroyed Worthington (Click Here for that story), other sources told the Studio Exec that Cameron sat down when had the memory stick in his back pocket and broke it with his ass.

Avatar 2 will be out in 2017.  

WORLD WAR Z PREQUEL ANNOUNCED

NEW YORK – Although we are yet to see Brad Pitt’s new zombie war film World War Z, Paramount and Plan B are confident enough of its success to commission a prequel: World War Y.

Although the first film is based on a novel by Max Brooks, The World War Z Prequel already has an original treatment.

Quantum of Solace and World War Z director, Marc Foster explains:
As we were filming we already started the conversation about where we could go next with the story. Of course the easy option would have been to go for the sequel and say, okay there’s another outbreak but then we went World War Z 2? Nah. World War A? Nah. But World War Y? Perfect. Unfortunately this does present us with some narrative issues.
Such as?

Why has no one in the first film heard about there having been another war – and not just a war, a world war – a few years earlier. James Cameron took a meeting and he suggested we call it World Wars Zs, but he’s been running with that shtick for years. Finally Brad got Damon Lindelof on board and he’s come up with a very original solution. 

Which is?

Parallel universes. It’s based on science.

World War Y will be released in 2015.

REMAKE WATCH: JAMES CAMERON RAISES THE TITANIC

James Cameron – explorer, film maker and philosopher – has declared his intention to remake one of the dullest action films ever made Raise the Titanic. The original film was directed by Jerry Jameson and starred Richard Jordan as Dirk Pitts and Jason Robards as Admiral Old. ‘What attracted me to the original was the name Titanic and the fact I could use the excuse of the film to actually raise the actual Titanic,’ said the King of the World. ‘Actually.’

Wow, that’s amazing! When’s that going to happen?

Well, we wanted to but it turned out that it would actually be quite expensive, and there were some namby pamby stuff about there being dead people down there. But who cares right? I mean come on that was like two hundred years ago or something.

Who is going to star in it?

I don’t have anyone to star in it but Michelle Rodriguez and Sam Worthington are going to be in it.

And when is this going to happen?

I have a number of other projects in the pipeline so i won’t be expecting to do it any time soon. Perhaps April.

  

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 11: SPIKE LEE

Poached eggs, spinach, cappuccino.

I meet Spike Lee in a small patisserie in Brooklyn, New York. He’s wearing his trade mark baseball cap and trade mark glasses. Spike hasn’t even sat down before he starts complaining about his fellow film makers. 

Christopher Nolan? You know he wanted to call The Dark Knight, The Darkie Knight. Goddam limey racist. 



Spike, lets talk about your films. You have several films due out this year. Can you tell me something about Red Hook Summer?

 Sure. Clint Eastwood’s Firefox didn’t have a single black character. Not one. 

But Eastwood made Bird?

A black director should have made that movie. That was supposed to have been a black director’s film. I should have made it, but then this goddam cowboy comes along – a man who makes a film called The Pale Rider goddam it – Jesus.

Why didn’t you make it?

 That’s beside the point. The point is that Hollywood is racist through and through. James Cameron? Racist. Steven Spielberg? Slave owning racist. Stanley Kubrick? Racist. White people in space scared of a goddam black monolith? Goddam honky.

 So your documentary about Michael Jackson’s album Bad shows…

Robert Redford? Racist.George Lucas? Racist.

But he produced Red Tails about black airmen in the…?

A black director should have made that film.

But a black director did make that film. Anthony Hemingway.

 No, I mean a black director who wears glasses and a baseball cap. Whose name sound slike the kind of name you’d give a cartoon dog.

Okay. I suppose we better talk about Quentin…

Racist motherfucker. 

Tarantino. So you haven’t seen Django Unchained?

I don’t need to see Scary Movie 5 to know it ain’t funny.

The Scary Movie franchise was created by a black director.

Fucking hilarious. Bad example. Anyway Tarantino is using our history as entertainment. He wouldn’t do that with the Holocaust, would he?

Inglourious Basterds?

Bad Example. The point is slavery… What I mean is that the history of black people… I want to say that… racist, racist, racist.

Spike Lee takes his baseball cap off and throws it on the ground and then jumps up and down on it, which is his traditional way of signalling that the interview is over.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

THE GODFATHER TRILOGY 3D











SAN FRANCISCO – Wine connoisseur and occasional director Francis Ford Coppola, has sensationally revealed he has finished remastering The Godfathertrilogy and 3D versions of his epic saga will be released back to back in summer 2013.

We caught up with Francis in his vineyard to chat about his return to the House of Corleone.

Mr Coppola. How long have you been working on the project?

That’s an interesting question. About 15 minutes.

15 minutes ?

Yes about that. I was amazed actually I heard James Cameron worked on Avatar for 10 years so I was prepared for a long haul but it was a remarkably easy process.

But the trilogy is around nine hours long. Surely the conversion process takes months, if not years to complete?

What do you mean by conversion?

I mean the rendering, the rotoscoping, the CGI etc.

Sorry I don’t know what any of those things are. Technology has advanced since I was in my heyday and though I respect film makers who utilise the modern gadgets. I prefer to use traditional methods.

Such as?

I just ordered a shipment of 3D glasses on the Internet. The producer of Wrath of the Titans was selling them on E-bay and I got a really good deal.

That’s great, but what have you done to the film itself to convert it from 2D to 3D?

What the hell are you talking about man? I’ve not touched the original films; they’re perfect the way they are. Why would you need to do that anyway when all you have to do is put on a pair of glasses and hey presto, instant 3D?!

Well I’m sorry Mr Coppola but simply watching the film through a pair of 3D glasses will distort the image and make the picture unwatchable. You have to convert the film itself!

You’re F*cking kidding me right?

Unfortunately not.

But George Lucas told me all you have to do is buy a load of glasses and the audience ‘imagines’ the movie is in 3D!

I fear Mr Lucas was playing a practical joke on you.

Oh F*ck me. I thought I heard him giggling in the background when I called Spielberg to tell him the release dates. What the f*ck am I going to do now? The studio is expecting the films next summer. They’ve designed a poster and everything!

You could try converting the film.

That would take millions of dollars and years to complete. I don’t have that kind of cash.

It seems like you’re in quite the pickle Mr Coppola. Thanks for the interview and good luck.

Wait!. Do you know anyone who wants to buy 800,000 pairs of 3D glasses?. I’ll knock 10% off!

The Godfather Trilogy 3D will not be released in Summer 2013