TOM HANKS TO STAR IN COBRA REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Tom Hanks is to star in a remake of Cobra.

Tom Hanks plans to star in a remake of Sylvester Stallone’s 1988 action movie Cobra. The Castaway star told the Studio Exec that it represented a dream project for him.

I’ve always loved Sly and all his movies. When I was starting out, he was the actor I most looked up to. I kinda modelled my career on his. For instance when I did Forrest Gump, I completely based it on Rocky. The Terminal is Rambo without the explosions. And of course Dragnet was influenced by Cobra. I didn’t watch Sly’s movies: I studied them.

In Cobra Hanks plays Lieutenant Marion Cobretti, a member of the elite Zombie squad. When Los Angeles is terrorized by a White Supremacist group, the LAPD call in Cobretti – codenamed  Cobra – to help clean the streets.

Most of the time I play a liberal, nice guy. The Jimmy Stewart role. But here’s the interesting thing. When I met Jimmy Stewart we got to talking about our favourite actors. His was Jimmy Cagney. And suddenly it made sense that mine was Sly.

We asked how this cop from the 80s will fare in today’s society.

That’s what made me decide the time was ripe. With Black Lives Matter and a time of increased racial tension, we need liberals to be more aggressive. As Michelle Obama once said when they go lower, you dig a tunnel under them a blow them to the f*cking sky.

So the police brutality…?

We’re taking police brutality and using it against fascists. And anyone who doesn’t like it can suck my Da Vinci Code.

Cobra will be released in 2022.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS: GRETA GARBO

HOLLYWOOD – In this first extract from his memoirs In Like Niven Sir Edwin Fluffer – actor, raconteur and gentleman – recalls his relationship with Ms. Greta Garbo.

For the life of me I’ll never understand why everyone now thinks of Greta Garbo as a recluse. When I first moved base camp to the Hollywood Hills the self-styled silent Swedish seamstress (she made all her own clothes) was the life and soul of the party, as well as being a dear friend, a good neighbor, and, for a time, my lover. She was my lover for another two times the next morning as well.The first time I saw her she was stood at the end of her drive putting out the rubbish. Jimmy Cagney would put his out the night before which not only attracted vermin but also led me to coin his legendary catchphrase ‘you dirty rat’.

I’ll never forget how on that morning Greta turned and waved to me with those slender but surprisingly strong fingers that had taught a young Elizabeth Taylor how to play the banjolele. Straight away I felt like we’d known each for other years. She was always popping in and out to borrow a cup of sugar or shout at my wife who she suspected of making those prank phone calls that kept her awake at night.  But darling Greta never held a grudge and she was always the first person we’d ask to water the plants when we went away on holiday.

Of course it wasn’t until much later that I discovered the nailbrush in the downstairs bathroom was missing, but that’s another story…