FRANCIS COPPOLA REANIMATES BRANDO

EXCLUSIVE – Francis Coppola reanimates Brando for Megalopolis. Yesterday the film world was stunned with the announcement that Coppola is stumping up his own vineyard-earned dough to make his passion project, Megalopolis. What many do not know is that the director has reanimated the corpse of Marlon Brando to join the already, star studded cast. The Exec caught up with Coppola in San Francisco to discuss the revelations.

 

Francis, is it true that you are finally making Megalopolis?

Fucking A, that’s right bubba. I’m finally getting this bird off the ground. I got the script, I got the cast and I got the frickin’ money baby. Let’s light this fucking candle!

 

We understand you have a stellar cast lined up?

You betcha. We got Oscar Isaac, Forest Whitaker, Cate Blanchett, Jon Voight, Jessica Lange and my old buddy, James End-Of-Fucking-Tweet Caan.

 


Wow, that really is an all-star cast.

Yeah it’s ok, I guess, but it’s missing something. Know what I mean?

 

I really don’t. What could that list be missing?

Assholes. Someone who’s gonna cost millions of dollars a week to hire. An actor who’ll hold up production because they refuse to read the fucking script and I’ll have to read it to them. Someone that could out-asshole Val Kilmer. I’m talking Marlon Grando-Brando.

 

I guess, if that’s what you want. It’s a pity he’s dead.

Is he though?

 

Huh?

What if I told you that a certain someone had perfected that technology to reanimate a corpse? And a certain someone has gone and reanimated another certain difficult movie star’s corpse. He’s going to have a major supporting role in Megalopolis as an under-lit, overweight shadowy psychopath who grumbles and mumbles incoherent bullshit. It’s the good old days all over again.

 

Are you saying that you, Francis Coppola Reanimates Brando for Megalopolis?

Look, today’s movie stars are so shit scared of offending anyone or doing anything that could get them cancelled. We need some fucking cojones on this shoot. Smashed mirrors, bloodied fists, drug addled musings and some downright fucking bad behavior. We need headlines. That’s what gets people into theatres these days. Gone are the days of just shooting a great movie when you’re up against fucking Marvel. Look at the shit Marty still gets for saying the truth! We need Brando to fuck a ton of shit up. Look, relax. Have a glass of my wine. You can hardly taste the anti-freeze.

 

Yeah ok then. Salute!

 

Megalopolis Starts Shooting Next Year.

ROB SCHNEIDER’S DUNE: REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Charting the unsuccessful attempt by Deuce Bigalow ‘comedian’ Rob Schneider to make a movie of Frank Herbert’s classic Science Fiction novel, Schneider’s Dune is a thoughtful documentary about an almost masterpiece, an epic and what could have been ‘the best Science Fiction film never made’ (The New York Times).

Often praised by peers as a visionary consistently let down by inferior material, Schneider has also been a lifelong fan of Science Fiction. Throughout the Eighties, the young comedian wrote script after script based on Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series. When those attempts came to naught and emboldened by his growing success on Saturday Night Live, Schneider turned his attention to the massive 1963 Frank Herbert novel which had previously been made into a film by David Lynch in 1984. Schneider says:

I always felt that the Lynch film had got some major aspects of the book wrong. In a way that film is great as a Lynchian play with the future, but it just doesn’t sustain the sweep of the story and I had a feeling I could do it. 

Casting himself as Paul Atreides, Schneider wrote a script and prepared to direct. George Lucas – a fan of the book and Schneider’s Tiny Elvis – was on board as a consultant and producer, but the two ultimately fell out over a comic character Lucas wanted to introduce into the film, who would later become Jar Jar Binks. ‘This is the one time in comedy history when Rob actually had more taste,’ jokes collaborator John Milius.

Jonathan Demme‘s documentary is an entertaining portrait of a period as well as of the non-making of an almost classic. Talking head interviews with all the principles – except for Meg Ryan who pulled out of the project at a late stage for undisclosed reasons – are enlightening though there is the rosy hue of nostalgia distorting some of the harder economic realities. And despite Schneider’s presence there are moments of genuine comedy such as the casting reel, which shows Robert Downey Jr and James Caan struggling to get into their roles, Duke Leto and the Beast respectively. 

Ultimately, heavy drug use and a spiraling budget doomed the project, but its influence can still be seen in such far flung regions of the galaxy as Paul Blart Mall Cop and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

To read more Reviews CLICK HERE.  

HOW MARK WAHLBERG CHANGED TEACHING FOREVER

HOLLYWOOD – Taking a departure from his Everyman roles in Transformers 4 and Pain and Gain, Mark Wahlberg stars as a literature professor in The Gambler and it is having a massive on the way teachers teach in schools and universities all over the country.

Prof. Josie Percheesey head of the university teacher’s association spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about Mark Wahlberg’s impact:

When The Gambler first came out in the Seventies, James Caan had some effect on teaching but not much. Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society became the model for the 90s. For years, teachers tried their damnedest to inspire students and of course if one of them committed suicide, it was considered a bonus. The new version of The Gambler however has eclipsed even that.

How?

Wahlberg is the most unlikely casting for a literature professor. His lank locks and his pallor are fine, but don’t hide his  little boy lost look of a man who has never read a book in his life. And perhaps  this is why he has connected with so many teachers. He is fresh and new. Now every teacher I know is starting the class by lying on the desk and exhaling loudly. It’s amazing.

How to teach like Mark Wahlberg.

1. Lie on the desk.

2. Begin lessons as if you’ve just had an existential epiphany.

3. Praise the  student you most want to nail and then nail them. (ALWAYS BE CLOSING).

4. Mention the subject you’re teaching only in so much as it allows you to talk about the theme of the movie.

5. Be consumed by narcissistic self-loathing and cynical about the whole point and purpose of education.

6. Make sure your students have all arrived from central casting and none of them behave like actual students, i.e. demanding an education for the massive fees they or their parents have paid. Rather they should be foils for your expert put downs.

RUSSIA INTRODUCE ROLLERBALL STYLE DEATH SPORT

MOSCOW – Vladimir Putin today confirmed that Russia would be instituting a national league of a gladiatorial death game, based loosely on the 1975 movie Rollerball.

The Premier of the Russian Federation told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Here in Russia it is useless to hide the fact that we have a lot of problems. There is criminality, corruption, economic woes and a disaffected youth. Add to this we have political dissidents left right and centre. However, recently as I was riding bare-chested across the steppe close to my Dacha, it occurred to me that the James Cann Science Fiction film Rollerball might be the answer to all of our problems. I phoned Steven Segal and Gerard Depardieu and they both agreed with me vociferously.

The Norman Jewison directed futuristic fantasy shows a society where everything is perfect. Corporations rule a largely docile populace where crime and poverty have been eliminated. This is done via a violent sport which serves as both a cathartic outpouring for the blood lust of society and a model of obedience and sacrifice. That is until the rise of star played Jonathan E (James Cann) whose individual success puts at risk the very values that the sport is supposed to promote.

Aren’t you afraid of a Jonathan E character rising up?

No not at all. I have Pussy Riot and that’s okay isn’t it? Jonathan E would be easy for me to do deal with. I’d invite him for a night time stroll near the Kremlin. Ha ha!

Many Russia watchers believe that the new sport will be a popular move for a President who despite (or perhaps because of) foreign criticism has maintained high levels of domestic support.

The rules for Russian Rollerball will be much the same as shown in the latter games of the movie, where there are no fouls and players can be legitimately maimed or murdered as part of the game. The league will begin with twenty teams playing across Russia, with players recruited from Universities, opposition political parties, immigrant groups, homosexuals and journalists.

The first season of Russian Rollerball will begin in October of 2015 and will be available on Pay Per View.

JONATHAN E RETIRES FROM ROLLERBALL

NEW YORK – Veteran Rollerball champion Jonathan E today announced his retirement from the game.

The decision came in the immediate aftermath of a bloody no holds barred game featuring Houston and New York and lòed to the deaths of several players. Many had questioned the safety of the sport following a match in Tokyo which saw the Houston’s lead rider Blue dead and Jonathan’s old friend Moose in a vegetative state. Sources close to the Jonathan E camp claimed that Jonathan had been melancholy for some time.

A source from inside the camp told the Studio Exec:

It’s really depressing. He just sits around erasing videos of his ex wife and listening to Tomaso Albioni’s Adagio for the strings. I think he must have it on a loop. He doesn’t listen to anything but sad Venetian string music. He sometimes wears this hat as well.

Rumbles of discontent within Houston had been reported for sometime as Jonathan’s personal popularity was far outstripping the reputation of other players and the team as a unit. Mr. Bartholomew of the Energy Corporation which runs the International Rollerball League has also let it be known that Jonathan E’s retirement has been considered long overdue. He told us:

We live in a dystopian society in which all of the problems of crime and violence have been solved through the innovation of a violent game with which everyone can vent their feelings. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but still it has worked and will continue to work in the future. But Jonathan E being too good at that sport is just ruining it for everyone and we welcome his decision, especially because completely coincidentally the Rollerball games seem to have become much more violent. I don’t know how that happened. Like people were dying and shit.

A new film about Jonathan E and entitled simply Rollerball starring James Caan and Ralph Richardson will be released in 1975.