REVIEW: NO TIME TO DIE

REVIEW – With the long anticipated domestic release of No Time To Die, we tell you if you should like it or not. Read our review now to decide how you feel about No Time To Die. Tell your family, tell your friends they have to read this. They are incapable of independent thought.

No Time To Die

Clocking in at a bum-numbing 4 hours and 52 minutes, No Time To Die is the longest film in the James Bond franchise. But it’s still way shorter than Marvel’s Endgame and that made a shit load of money, so swings and roundabouts.

No Time To Eye-Eye

The starting sequence is a thrill ride of action packed references to previous Bond films. There’s a motorized Gondola chase, a racist red-neck Sheriff and a Zombie Judi Dench turns up to bend Pierce Brosnan over a desk to fist him as he squeals his way through The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.

No Time To I-Spy

The titles aint what they used to be. Long-gone are the days of naked women covered in fluorescent paint. And Duran-Duran warbling over the top, like adolescent Republicans at a Karaoke bar. These titles take themselves seriously, as does the theme song. Can anyone remember what the theme song sounds like? I can’t, and I’ve just watched the film. There are lots of musical references to previous Bond films. Alice Cooper’s Man With The Golden Gun theme is in there, as is Radiohead’s Skyfall theme. There’s also a reworking of the James Bond theme, played on guitar by Jimmy Page which lasts even longer than the film.

Dr No Character Development

The villain does a wonderful version of Crazy Little Thing Called Love from his glamorous evil hideout and Daniel Craig looks like a baked potato in a tuxedo. He’s ugly, but you’d still smother him in sour cream and push him into your face. But who cares about all of this because it’s Bond. So if you like Bond, you’ll go see it and if you don’t like Bond, you won’t go and see it. Either way it doesn’t matter. There’s far too much money to be made out of these things regardless of what we say or do.

No Time To Die Is Showing Somewhere Within 20 Yards Of You

FIVE RACIST BOND MOMENTS

HOLLYWOOD – To coincide with the long awaited Bond film No Time To Die, The Exec takes a look back at James Bond’s more racist moments during the franchise’s history. Much has been done recently to address these issues. But what makes our top five racist Bond moments and why are they so awful?

Five Racist Bond Moments #5 – Octopussy

The India set entry of the Bond series is packed full of moments that make you cringe and wince. But the low point must surely be when Roger Moore’s Bond has won some money playing Backgammon. He tips the guy stood next him and says, ‘That should keep you in curry for a few weeks.’ What a dick.

Five Racist Bond Moments #4 – From Russia With Love

The ‘Gypsy’ camp sequence does nothing to advance attitudes towards the Romani community. The women are portrayed as wild eyed objects used only for sex or cooking (the ever-present Bond misogyny) and the men are disposable fodder for Bond’s white savior who must be protected at all costs. Not a good look.

Five Racist Bond Moments #3 – You Only Twice

Bond’s transformation into a Japanese man is eye watering in its racism. According to the Roald Dahl penned script (let’s not go down that road) it’s easy to ‘become Japanese’. All you have to do is remove your body hair, put on a wig (must have been hot under all those wigs), stoop and shuffle around. Don’t worry about your thick Scottish accent. You can always just shoot anyone who questions you. Job done.

Five Racist Bond Moments #2 – Live And Let Die (All Of It)

Getting in on the Blaxploitation trend of the time was never going to work for Bond. From Harlem’s Mr Big to San Monique and the horrific ‘voodoo’ scenes. They play on almost every conceivable racist stereotype available about the African American and Caribbean communities at the time. The Bond writers and producers did not get Roger Moore’s tenure in the tuxedo off to a great start. And that trend was going to continue.

And Racist Bond Moment #1 Is… – The Man With The Golden Gun (All Of It)

In Roger Moore’s second outing, Bond is basically a racist sex tourist on holiday in South East Asia. His mission: To fuck and offend every nation and culture he happens across, with extreme prejudice. So with the subtlety of a flying brick, he takes the piss out of names for wine, raises eyebrows at subservient hotel porters and displays tendencies for predatory stalking of naked girls in pools with ridiculous names. If the Carry On team had been given a multi-million dollar budget, they would have made this film. It’s truly a low point for the franchise because ‘comic’ relief comes yet again in the form of uber-racist Sheriff, J W Pepper. Thankfully, the writers and producers have come a long way. Long may it continue to improve, because we love a bit of Bond. Just not when he’s not being a racist dick.

No Time To Die Is Finally Out In UK Cinemas This Week

JAMES BOND SPINOFF MOVIE ANNOUNCED

BREAKING NEWS – Ending months of speculation, EON productions and Barbara Broccoli have confirmed a James Bond spinoff movie is set to go into production shortly. The James Bond spinoff movie will tell the story of ‘The Bottle Man’, the guy who witnesses various crazy James Bond stunts around the world in several Bond films. The Exec caught up with Barbara Broccoli to find out more on this surprising project.

Barbara, Why Did You Choose The Bottle Man As Your First Bond Spinoff?

We knew everyone would be expecting us to go with a female double-0 kinda vibe. So we thought it would be cool to go in a direction nobody would be expecting. There’s a whole raft of female led action movies out there now, with Black Widow, Atomic Blonde and the upcoming Furiosa thing. Therefore the market’s flooded. We thought let’s expand the JBU (James Bond Universe) in terms of genre. That’s when we came up with the idea of going with a character driven, arthouse picture. The Bottle Man is the perfect choice to explore what drives men to drink and become toxic assholes. No one’s done that before.

Can You Explain Who The Bottle Man Is?

He was a guy who briefly appeared double-taking when Bond emerges from the sea in his Lotus on The Spy Who Loved Me. He then did the same when Bond is in that fucking motorized Gondola during Moonraker. He also turns up during the ski and bike chase in For Your Eyes Only. This is a guy who spends his time on some pretty expensive holidays, but he’s always drinking. We wanted to explore what drives him to drink.

How Do You Intend To Do That?

We’re going to tell his stories leading up to and including those encounters. It’ll be a trilogy, one encounter for each movie. It’s like our version of Kieslowski’s Trois Couleurs Trilogy. Think Bond meets Bukowski and you can’t go far wrong.

Who Is Playing The Bottle Man?

Jean Dujardin. We figured he owes us after making a killing on those fucking OSS-117 movies. We couldn’t even Kevin McLory his ass in court. So we figured, if you can’t beat them, give them a shit ton of dough to do your own stuff. That fucker took the bait. No more OSS, that’s for sure.

The Bottle Man Part 1 Starts Filming In The New Year

BLONDER BOND WEBSITE LAUNCHES

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.


Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.

Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.

You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.

Yeah, ok. Fair enough.

So, tell us about the website.

We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.

How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?

Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.

What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?

If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.

What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?

Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.

Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?

Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.

No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month

INTERNATIONAL SPOILER LAW PASSED

BREAKING NEWS – International spoiler law passed unanimously by the UN will be enforceable in every nation in the world. The maximum punishment will be not only be death but also online cancellation.

 

International spoiler law passed and not before time

With the advent of social media, douchebags everywhere were free to post all about Keyser Soze and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (nobody knows his character’s name, not even him) and boy, did they. But things really came to a head last year when media outlets started printing stories with spoilers about the upcoming Bond film, No Time To Die.

 

No Time To Spoil

With spoilers flying around the internet, Twitter collectively shat its digital pants and the UN had to step in. And so international law makers around the world began drafting the aptly titled Spoiler Bill. Details of the bill were leaked onto Twitter and Facebook, which enraged spoiler sensitive millennials everywhere.

 

Death by cancellation

The law states the crime of publishing and sharing spoilers will be punishable by death, the guilty are to be digitally cancelled. This means the guilty will have all traces of their online presence removed and it will be a crime in itself to utter or use their names on any social media platform.

 

Free Guy spoilers

Even as the bill was being passed at the UN, the Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, Free Guy fell victim of this heinous crime. The film has a brief cameo which has been spoiled by certain killjoy media outlets. The commissioning editors, writers and CEOs of the media groups involved have all been rounded up and will stand trial.

 

We’ll round them up, put ‘em in a field, and BOMB THE BASTARDS!

With the Chief UN Prosecutor, Daphne Cromwell leading the case, she had this to say about the Free Guy spoilers. “We love our international spoiler-free community and it has been abused by these people. And because we will not go quietly into the night, these people will pay with their actual and digital lives. Once we catch these criminals they will be de-rezzed. End of line.”

 

KEVIN SPACEY IS KEYSER SOZE, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST AND TONY STARK DIES. DEAL WITH IT.

FIVE WORST MOVIE LISTS LISTED

The Exec takes a stand against lazy film journalism with our Five Worst Movie Lists list. Are you bored of reading list after list in your regular movie news outlets? We bring you the definitive five worst movie lists list that drunk and high film journos submit to their equally drunk and equally high commissioning editors every Friday afternoon rather than do a decent day’s work:

 

5: The Best Movies That Didn’t Win An Oscar

 


Do you really care about the films whose producers and studios didn’t grease enough palms or have enough dirt on the voting members of The Academy? See also – Films that thought they were worthy but actually sucked balls and Martin Scorsese’s best movies.

 

4: Actors To Play The Next James Bond

 


We haven’t even had Daniel Craig’s final film yet. Do you honestly think a producer of Barbara Broccoli’s stature is going to commit to anything until the numbers are in and banked? It’s the most uncertain movie opening of all time. Do pay attention double-0-knucklehead.

 

3: Marvel’s Films Ranked

 


You can replace Marvel with any franchise, star or noteworthy director. They’re not written with any joy and celebration, they want to piss you off with their number 1 choice and goad you into sharing it. CLICK. BAIT. Fishy.

 

2: The Best (Insert Genre) Movies You’ve Never Seen

 


They can’t be that fucking great if nobody has ever seen them. Stop assuming everyone is a bottom feeding moron who only watches whatever it is Buzzfeed tells them to watch. Also, stop signposting how clever you are for appreciating an ‘undiscovered masterpiece’ that we would never have seen if it weren’t for you.


1: Lists About Other Movie Lists

 


Who the hell do you think you are? Why are you telling people what they can and can’t read? But people keep reading the lists and giving these websites hits. Because of that, they keep being commissioned, over and over again.

 


NEXT WEEK – THE EXEC’S HOT TAKE ON TAKES

POLICE RAID CINEMA CLUBS ACROSS UK

Police raid cinema clubs across the UK in Fight Club-esque scenes. In shocking scenes across the UK, police raid cinema clubs that have been operating in underground facilities. As police raid cinema clubs around the country in scenes similar to Fight Club, The Exec has this following report:


The First Rule Of Cinema Club

Underground warehouses, bar basements and disused churches have all been raided by SWAT style armed police in the last 48 hours. The raids have been a coordinated effort by the authorities to break up the underground organisation known as ‘Cinema Club’. But who is behind it all? Those arrested have so far remained tight lipped about the organisation and its leadership.

 

The Second Rule Of Cinema Club

Rumours of the mysterious organisation have been rife over the last few weeks as the English government has clamped down on ‘Non-Brexit Approved Culture’, banning the works of European film makers such as Truffaut, Almodovar, Haneke and Fellini. English cinemas are now only allowed to show mainstream Hollywood films about straight white men with guns, the entire James Bond franchise and the films of Guy Ritchie, which are predominantly also just about straight white men with guns.

 

I Am Jack’s Tati

In response to this extreme policy, Cinema Club has been raging cinematic guerrilla warfare by showing European and Arthouse films in unauthorized venues across the country. A disused swimming pool in Manchester that was raided was showing Fellini’s 8 & 1/2. Whereas Jacques Tati’s Playtime was shown in a dilapidated Budgens convenience store in Oxford. Scenes that resemble The Battle Of Algiers as cinema fans runs scared from the police. But in Scunthorpe rather than Algiers, and nobody dies.

 

We Have Just Lost Cabin Pressure

Nobody truly knows who is behind this clandestine cine-ster organization. One theory suggest disgruntled ODEON employees. Some believe it’s a Film Studies grad, rejected too often by Empire. There are even some who believe Mark Kermode and Mark Cousins are behind it and are in fact the same person. Whoever is behind Cinema Club, they are out there somewhere. They’re the hero everyone deserves but not the hero everyone needs right now. Eh? What does that even mean?

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

MGM: NO TIME FOR BOND RUMORS

HOLLYWOOD – MGM deny running out of Bond rumors.

There have been no new stories or rumors about James Bond 007 surfacing on the internet within the last 48 hours. Larry Sezno – Head of Rumor & Denial at the studio, has been forced to release a statement that MGM deny running out of Bond rumors.

 

MGM Deny Bond Rumor – ‘Plenty Left’

“It’s just bullshit,” He told reporters, “We got plenty of rumors left to waft around on the internet for all you baying donkeys out there. We got teams of dedicated gossip mongers working around the clock. These bitter, sweaty little staff writers who couldn’t get a gig on Saturday Night Live will make sure the Twitter machine is fed. It’ll be chock-full of mini interviews of cast members saying absolutely nothing of any interest to anyone. Then, we let the internet do its magic by weaving in a narrative that although is likely and predictable, is never directly mentioned by us. It’s fucking genius. You all spend hour after hour lapping this stuff up, spaffing your meaningless lives away on this shit. Which means I get paid a truck load of money making sure you do.”

Keyser Soze

“And then what? We don’t even release the movie! We just keep pushing the date further and further back until eventually… puff, and like that, it’s gone. But we deny it’s the Keyser Soze of movies, because he doesn’t exist.”

There Is No Spoon

That brings me onto my next point of business. MGM and EON Productions absolutely and 100% vehemently deny the rumors circulating that there is no Bond film to release. We 100% deny that making big budget movies has become too expensive and too risky. There’s no truth that this forced us into just making trailers. We also robustly deny that there never was a No Time To Die. Or that we’re just waiting for Marvel or Star Wars to cast another woman in a lead role. Then, the internet will lose its shit about that and forget all about our non-existent movie. Therefor we totally deny any of that has any kind of basis in truth whatsoever.”

No Time To Die may one day be released, sometime, somewhere. Your guess is as good as ours.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARBARA BROCCOLI TALKS JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD  – The Exec talks exclusively with Barbara Broccoli about James Bond.

Barbara Broccoli, producer of the James Bond films talked with The Studio Exec on a very revealing Zoom call.

Hello? Barbara? Can you point your camera upwards please? All I can see is the white cat on your lap.
‘Zat will not be possible, I am afraid. You will look at my cat, Blofeld. You will see his face only, you will not see my face, muahahahaha.’

Um, ok. But, anyway Barbara, thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me.
‘You are most welcome, Meester Exec. It is always a pleasure talking to such a… deestinguished gentleman with taste and deescretion, muahahahaha.’

Thank you. If you don’t mind me saying, Barbara, I didn’t realise you spoke with such a mysterious, non-specific Eastern European accent?
‘You must be careful, number 2, because many people have said zis before and not many have lived to tell za tale.‘

Are you able to confirm the final release date for No Time To Die?
‘Yes, number 2, I can. It will be released in 2025, but only after we have cast, shot and released the next Bond film. As a result, will we finally be rid of dat damned Daniel Craig and his most excellent Meester Bond, muahahahahah.’

Why do you want to keep us from seeing Daniel Craig’s final film as Bond?
‘Because it is too good. For years, I masterminded za demise of Meester Bond with Piz Bronzan and his smarmy, tongue in cheek comedy. As a result I had Basil Fawlty as R, a silly inveesible car and surfing a god damned tsunami! That was really sheet, muahahahahah.’

‘Then we make Casino Royale and people pay millions because of Craig in his sexy swimming cosy. They pay millions because of his muscles and good acting.  As a result, he insists on Sam bloody Mendes to make the films and they are actually good. Eet makes me sick, so I am taking control back and I will make them sheet again.  Muahahahahahahahahah.’

No Time To Die will be released at some point, perhaps.

EXCLUSIVE: NO TIME TO DIE JAMES BOND SPOILERS LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – A James Bond spoiler leaked onto the internet, causing fans to express anger and consternation.

The James Bond spoiler leaked by several news outlets online a few days ago, caused fans of the much loved franchise to go ape shit.

‘Because I don’t wanna know anything before I illegally download it.’ One fan of the spy movies raged. ‘I’ll decide if I wanna pay to see it in the cinema. I ain’t made of bloody money. These journalists sit there, in their ivory towers. Which, by the way is illegal to trade in. So they’re assholes for that also. They decide what we read about in articles they write and what we don’t! It’s outrageous.’

No Time To Die had its release date pushed back by the Corona virus lockdown. This has led to dramatic secret rewrites and reshoots. James Bond will no longer face reanimated super villain, Freddie Mercury. Because of lockdown, he faces redundancy after being furloughed for months on end. James sat at home trolling jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors on Twitter. Because of this, M played by Tim Bernard Lee (the inventor of the internet), has no choice but to let him go and Bond takes up a position as a security guard at his local Waitrose.

‘Because of this change of scene for Bond, we can take the franchise in a whole new and exciting direction.’ Said long term Bond producer, Barbara Broccoli. ‘Therefore, we can start great new product placement partnerships. In place of the Aston Martin, we have entered a new deal for Bond to drive a Scoda Octavia, it’s great on mileage and soon they’re bringing out a hybrid, kerching! Following on from this, Bond will no longer drink Vodka Martinis, but cans of Stella, smoke Benson and Hedges fags and eat microwave burgers. The fans will love it.’

As Bond stalks the aisles of the upmarket store, he stumbles upon a plot to change the sell by dates in Meat and Dairy. His nemesis, store manager Terry Soldfinger joins forces with the trolley-boy henchmen. The excitement’s off the scale as they attempt the cover up the scandal. Therefore making sure the upcoming stock check goes smoothly and wastage kept to a minimum. This could be Bond’s toughest mission yet. With his license to ’till’ not signed off, Bond goes rogue. Therefore ensuring the customers receive the freshest produce, reducing in-store complaints.

Because of this change in plot, Eon Productions announced a change to the title of 25th installment in the spy franchise.

No Time To Fry is released in November later this year.

DR NO 2 GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – James Bond film Dr No to finally get a sequel.

James Bond fans are finally going to see what happens next to their favorite secret agent 007 in a new sequel planned for the 1963 film Dr No. The original film starred Sean Connery as the suave British spy, pitted against Joseph Weisman’s eponymous villain. Fans of the movie reacted to the news with delight.

James Bond fan club president Elspeth McGiver spoke to the Studio Exec:

A dream come true. Dr No was such an exciting action film, with everything you could want. It seemed ludicrous that they never made a second movie. Especially when far worse characters seem to get long running series these days. Jason Bourne and Jack Reacher, urgh!

The new movie features a story about Dr No returning from the dead mutated by the radiation from the nuclear bomb he was using to ransom the world. Ursula Andress, Wiseman and Connery are all on board and Brett Ratner is understood to be directing.

Dr. No will be released in 2018.

SCRIPT LEAK: DANNY BOYLE’S 007 JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The script of Danny Boyle’s Bond 25 has leaked onto the internet.

The new James Bond director Danny Boyle is furious that the first draft of the script for the film has leaked onto the internet.

We publish an extract from the first few pages which we obtained from an anonymous source called Ewan McGregor.

EXT. EDINBURGH. DAY.

JAMES BOND runs down the street clutching a six pack of TENNENTS SUPER STRENGTH LAGER.

JAMES BOND (V.O.)

Choose being chased by Helicopters. Choose Walther PPK and a license to kill. Choose Bond girls and Austin Martins. Choose ejector seats and Union Jack parachutes. Choose Grace Jones and Christopher Walken. Choose Q and pens that fire lasers.

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SICK BOY and JAMES BOND have an air rifle and are aiming at random strangers. A skinhead with a bulldog.

SICK BOY 

(SEAN CONNERY accent)

Do you have the beasht in your shights 007?

JAMES BOND

Yesh.

INT. SLUM HOUSE. NIGHT.

James Bond is shooting up heroin. M comes in. 

M

007 what’s the meaning of this? You’re supposed to be on a mission in Brazil.

JAMES BOND

FFfffffffuck offfff.

Bond collapses. 

M

Oh my God, he’s overdosing.

SHIRLEY BASSEY sings ‘Perfect Day’.

 

THE END.

 

For more Script Leaks, Click Here. 

 

DANIEL CRAIG SAYS NO TO COWBOYS AND ALIENS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig announces that he won’t star in Cowboys and Aliens 2.

It’s official. Cowboys and Aliens 2 – the sequel to the 2011 blockbuster and critical success  Cowboys and Aliens – will not star Daniel Craig. Produce Lou Dobster spoke with Studio Exec:

It’s painful but it seems Daniel has chosen to take another road. We were all excited about the possibility of exploring the Cowboys and Aliens universe and the public were rabid in their demand for a new film. But apparently Daniel has other fish to fry. I’m not sure if there’s another Stieg Larsson book to adapt, or perhaps he wants to be in Steven Soderberg’s new male stripper film. But the result is that he’s not coming back to reprise the role of Jake Lonergan.

You sound upset.

Not for myself but the fans. I know how much they were invested in the film. But it’s wasn’t to be. Now, I’ll have to start making phone calls. The hardest will be Harrison. He’s been phoning me up every single night. When are we going to do it? When? he says. Jon Favreau at least can make Chef 2 or go back to political speech writing, but Harrison … I don’t think he has anything else in his life except Cowboys and Aliens.

Has this got anything to do with Craig’s decision to return as James Bond?

Who’s James Bond?

Cowboys and Aliens 2 will star Hayden Christensen.

TIMOTHY DALTON SIGNS ON FOR OLD BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Timothy Dalton will return as James Bond in a spin off 007 project provisionally titled Old Bond.

Timothy Dalton came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about the new project earlier today.

We watched Logan and we thought this is bloody brilliant. So I phoned Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and I said, ‘Listen you Bloody Bastards, I want to play Bond again. But as an old geezer!’ They said no initially. But then I called them bastards and told them bollocks. And after a while they gave in.

So what will the story consist of?

Of course, being older Bond has other concerns than simply saving the world. He has terrible hemorrhoids and he needs to go to the chemist and get some cream. Then there’s his arthritis and the stair lift is cousin sold him is shit. All the policemen are getting younger and there are too many immigrants for his taste. He spends a lot of time watching old World War Two war films and cheering. However, he is dragged out retirement by his dislike of the Daniel Craig Bond films. It’s very meta.

What?

Yeah. And he decides to take over and do the job properly. So he kidnaps Daniel Craig and beats the shit out of him. In my screenplay this goes on for like pages and pages. He calls him a bloody bastard a lot as well.

And then what happens?

Then he beats him up some more. Actually that’s it until the end. It turns into a bit of a Hostel kind of film.

Old Bond will be released in 2019.