VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

ZODIAC 2 ‘WILL FEATURE TED CRUZ’ SAYS FINCHER

HOLLYWOOD – David Fincher has said that Zodiac 2, due to start filming in April, will feature Presidential candidate Ted Cruz.

David Fincher announced today that his long mooted sequel to his 2007 movie Zodiac will feature Ted Cruz ‘in some shape or form’. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Fincher outlined the approach of his new film about the mysterious serial killer who terrorized the San Franscico area in the late sixties and early seventies.

Everyone liked Zodiac I think and we had some very positive feedback from both critics and audiences, but the one thing that came up again and again was that the film didn’t really have an ending. It wasn’t exactly our fault. After all the police never found out definitively who the Zodiac killer once and although we tried our hardest to give the film a sense of closure it would have been too much to have actually invented an ending. But now with new information we feel that we can say with more or less certainty who the Zodiac killer might actually have been. Or be.

Wow. Tell us more.

Our film will go back to the original crimes and instead of seeing the investigation therough the eyes of Robert Greysmith, played by Jake Gyllenhaal in the movie and the detective Dave Toschi, played by Mark Ruffalo, we’re going to take the whole case from th epoint of view of the actual killer. We’ll also show why he stopped and how that coincided with the political rise of Ted Cruz.

So you’re saying that Ted Cruz is actually…

Hey, you’ll have to buy a ticket like everyone else, SE!

Zodiac will be released in 2017.

SOUTHPAW – REVIEW

SOUTHPAW – REVIEW: Rocky 5 without the intellectual heft: Donnie Darko punches people, but when his True Detective Season 2 wife is killed Donnie feels like the Prince of Persia and needs the Ghost Dog Butler to help him buck his ideas up.

Boxing movies are weird because essentially boxing is one of those things which is chronically dull and violent, outside of the movie theater. With the one exception that proves the rule – Muhammad Ali – boxers are generally nasty pieces of work without the wit or will to say anything interesting. Jake Gyllenhaal plays Billy (The Great White) Hope, a light heavy weight fighter who is at the top of his game but with the encouragement of his wife Maureen (Rachel McAdams) has one eye on the door before he gets his ticket to Palookaville. They have a little daughter who is just lovely.

When his wife gets killed in a confusing and weird scene, Billy goes to pieces, loses everything including his mansion and daughter and must start once more from the bottom. He goes to an old gym where he finds old trainer Tick Wills (Forest Whitaker) and begins his arduous climb back to the big time.

Gyllenhaal, it has to be said, is excellent, but one wishes that Antoine Fuqua (nominative determinism anyone?) had put as much dedication into the picture as his lead. Fuqua loves his aerial shots of a city at night and he uses them with televisual regularity. The fights are well done but the story is so predictable as to be almost infuriating. The manager played by 50 Cent is so worthless that one of the other characters predicts his worthlessness a good twenty minutes before it proves to be so. The villainous fighter is an actual villain. Even Rocky had the good sense to see that Apollo Creed’s villainy was pantomime and to deconstruct it into a gay love affair by Rocky III. Nope, Billy’s Columbian rival Escobar (Jesus!) is as slimy as his namesake, with a skanky missus (Rita Ora) to boot and everything is strictly by the numbers. We have the training session, the inspired youngster, the trainer’s grumpiness acceding to respect and a seriousness of tone, totally out of keeping with the thin fare on offer.

There are more good boxing movies than there are good boxing matches – check out John Huston’s Fat City – but rather than light heavy weight, Southpaw is more bantam.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

EVEREST – REVIEW

EVEREST – REVIEW: John Connor and Donnie Darko go up a mountain but Josh Brolin finds it is No Country for Old Men and the whole thing collapses on Michael Kelly like a House of Cards.

The problem with Everest is that the damned thing is so f*cking big. You can’t really see it. And if you see it from the sky as a way of really getting it all in, you’re automatically taking away from it, its key characteristic: which is that it is is higher than everything else. Baltasar Kormákur’s film does a solid job of telling the true story of the disastrous 1996 expedition which was told in Jon Krakauer’s book “Into Thin Air”.  Jason Clarke plays Rob Hall, the leader of one of two commercial enterprises that takes its clients to the summit of Everest. Jake Gyllenhaal is his competitor and friend Scott Fischer who with Russian climber Anatoli Boukreev (Ingvar Eggert Sigurðsson)  is leading the other group. With so many at Base Camp there is a genuine worry that something might go wrong, but there are commercial pressures of getting their expectant clients Beck (Josh Brolin) and Doug (John Hawkes) up especially as it all takes place under the watchful eye of journalist Krakauer (Kelly).

The strength of the film is in a wonderful lead performance by Clarke who is quietly fashioning a series of brilliant character pieces amidst the more generic pay days. His Rob Hall is a gentle, solid, reassuring presence: his expertise and humanity, a tribute to the man. The rest of the cast don’t quite rise to the same level but they are all solid enough. Once the storm arrives and with it disaster, there is a sense of genuine loss – though in its attempt to not point the blame, confusion seeps into the narrative so that we are never quite clear what is going on. The CGI mountain and the real thing clash occasionally, and base camp is so obviously studio bound as to be a real distraction, but in general the mountain comes over as a worthy adversary and the drama is well done if not exactly the peak that its subject seems to demand.

For more Reviews, CLICK HERE.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL GOT BRAIN DAMAGE FOR SOUTHPAW

HOLLYWOOD – Jake Gyllenhaal revealed today that his preparations for Southpaw also involved gaining sixteen pounds of brain damage.

When you see Jake Gyllenhaal in his new boxing drama Southpaw, you’ll be amazed at his physical transformation which saw the actor gain pounds and build muscle to take on the role of Billy ‘The Great’ Hope, a middle weight boxer in search of redemption in Anthony Fuqua’s drama. However, what you might not know is that the Brokeback Mountain actor also got himself brain damage in order to get closer to the reality of boxing.

Jake spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec to explain his preparation:

Everyone is going to concentrate on the body and how hard I trained, like Robert de Niro for Raging Bull. They’re going to say I’m like Robert de Niro, I know that. But the reality of boxing isn’t just looking ripped. It’s also about being hit in the head so that the brain sloshes about in the skull like a blancmange in cement mixer. And it takes a quite a bit of damage so that the words in the right order come don’t. And so I do that as well. Which de Niro didn’t do.

How did you get the brain damage?

I just let people hit me in the head for hours at a time. And hey presto! the MRI showed the degree of damage that was done.

And how will you return back to normal?

Where’s normal?

Southpaw is on general release.

ACCIDENTAL LOVE IMPOSSIBLE TO SATIRIZE

HOLLYWOOD -Today studio heads were rejoicing at the creation of the first impossible to satirize movie: Accidental Love.

Here at the Studio Exec Bungalows, we pride ourselves on our ability to rip the merry socks off any obsequeious bile that Hollywood cares to spew but Accidental Love the new rom-com starring Jessica Biel and Jake Gyllenhaal is just too… I mean I can’t… I mean look at the Goddamned poster.

The synopsis reads:

The film follows Alice Eckle (Jessica Biel), a somewhat naïve roller-skating waitress in a small Indiana town, who is about to get engaged to her trooper boyfriend, Scott (James Marsden). At the fancy Gondola restaurant when Alice has an engagement ring on her finger, a clumsy workman accidentally shoots her in the head with a nail gun.

Seconds before the nail is removed the surgeons are forced to abandon the operation due to Alice’s lack of health insurance, leaving the nail lodged in her head and causing strange erratic behaviour. Her fiancé, Trooper Scott, then has a change of heart on their marriage, feeling the nail embedded in his wife-to-be’s head will cause more trouble than it’s worth.

Alice then heads to Washington D.C. to meet the charming but rather clueless Congressman Howard Birdwell (Jake Gyllenhaal) who has vowed “to help all the people”. So Alice ventures to Washington D.C. to petition for his introducing a health care bill. When the two meet sparks fly, and they realize that their love could interfere with what they stand for.

They use the word ‘wacky’.

God help us. God help us all. 

LARS VON TRIER INFILTRATES CANNES JURY

CANNES – It was revealed today that Lars Von Trier has infiltrated the Cannes jury but it is as yet unclear which jury member has the Danish controversialist hidden somewhere within them.

The Croisette was on red alert last night as it emerged that Lars Von Trier has somehow managed to infiltrate the Cannes Jury. Presidents of the Jury Joel and Ethan Coen released a joint statement in which they both said that the Nymphomaniac director had been detected via special irony machines set up for that very purpose by the Gendarmes.

We knew something like this might happen. What we didn’t know was how clsoe he would get. We know he is actually inside one of the members of the jury. How he did this is as yet unclear, though our money is on a Fantastic Voyage type of shrinking machine.

Where could Lars Von Trier be?

Rossy de Palma (Actress – Spain)
She would make the perfect host. Utterly charming and unsuspecting and plus Von Trier would be attracted to the dusky southern lady.

Sophie Marceau
(Actress, Director – France)
Unlikely. Sophie is a waifish figure unlikely to hide the gross presence of the Breaking the Waves director.

Sienna Miller (Actress – United Kingdom)
Lars Von Trier might try to infect the impressionable American born but UK based actress. Would she have the will to resist his MIND POWERS?

Rokia Traoré (Composer, Singer-songwriter – Mali)
Although not strictly speaking a racist, Von Trier is a Nazi and so his Aryan nature is unlikely to mix well with the Malian singer.

Guillermo del Toro (Director, Writer, Producer – Mexico)
Perhaps the obvious place to look. The Pacific Rim director has room enough for a whole Dogma movement.

Xavier Dolan (Director, Writer, Producer, Actor – Canada)

Canadian prodigy Xavier Dolan has had a string of critical successes. How could one so young be so artistically mature? Perhaps if there was a great Dane lurking within the state of Xavier.

Jake Gyllenhaal (Actor – United States)

We all know how much Lars Von Trier loves Hollywood movies and none more so than the Prince of Persia. In many ways Gylenhaal would be the perfect place to find one’s very own private Brokeback Mountain.

JAMIE FOXX’S NATIONAL ANTHEM PERFORMANCE ‘CAN CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE’

NEVADA – The American Medical Association today released a strongly worded press release condemning the practice of Jamie Foxx singing the national anthem before major boxing matches, citing a ‘real danger that it could cause neurological damage’.

Referring to the rendition of the National Anthem given by Django Unchained actor Jamie Foxx, the AMA spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have two men here – Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao – who are about to start pounding each other’s faces in with their fists. The brain is already going to be traumatized as it sloshes around those bone hard skulls. But to then add to that a weird soulful Star Spangled Banner…? It just needs to be flat out Star Spangled banned. It is cruel and unusual and I fear for the brain health not only of the fighters but also the audience.

Jake Gyllenhaal was rushed to hospital after the fight, when he collapsed after complaining of dizziness and an inability to stop laughing. Who actually won the fight is still a mystery, the answer to which is probably beyond the scope and capacity of human understanding.

NIGHTCRAWLER: REVIEW

NIGHTCRAWLER: REVIEW – Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a small time thief and socio-path who finds his niche as an ambulance chasing stringer, grabbing footage of gory accidents and crime scenes for a local news station run by Rene Russo.

Despite having a name that even he can’t spell (for more on that story CLICK HERE) and the unwiped orifice that was The Prince of Persia, Jake Gyllenhaal adds another impressive character study to what is becoming a pantheon of outsiders and weirdos, from the sniper of Jarhead, the obsessive journalist in Zodiac, the doomed love of Brokeback Mountain finally to the wonderful weirdness of Enemy.

A Travis Bickle like loner and empty man, Lou Bloom’s emaciated frame has an insect like intentness. His hunger is not simply physical. His eyes are wide, not because of innocence but rather so he can catch everything and use it to his advantage. In fact, Lou isn’t guilty as such he is simply responsive and Dan Gilroy – brother of Michael Clayton’s Tony Gilroy – has crafted a lean and intense amorality tale.

Lou is a creature who can feed off the ‘if it bleeds, it leads’ ethos and the voyeurism which is another step away. His psychopathy allows him to play the game and keep one step ahead of the more experienced competition, represented by Bill Paxton’s old hand. A blend of Drive and Network, this is cool LA noir sharpened to a keen satirical purpose

For more Reviews CLICK HERE .

 

JAKE GYLLENHAAL CANNOT SPELL OWN NAME

HOLLYWOOD – Nightcrawler actor Jake Gyllenhaal admitted today to not being able to spell his own name.

‘I never remember how many Ls there are supposed to be,’ Donnie Darko admitted EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec.

I know it sounds ridiculous but it was one of those things that even as a kid I couldn’t do. The teachers would tell me, ‘Jake, you have to learn.’ But I was much more interested in gazing out of the window and wondering whether one day I could be a movie star, like Kurt Russell. At first I was really ashamed, but as I grew up and began earning money and appearing in films, I just thought who gives a shit and I sign my autographs with an unreadable squiggle so no one will suspect.

What about contracts or legal documents?

Oh, that’s easy. I just sign those with my initials JL.

But surely your initials are JG?

Oh, shit, you know I think you might be right.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jake’s sister, commented:

Jake is such a baby. I mean seriously. Sit down and learn to spell you’re own name. How hard can it be? And do you want to know the truly outrageous thing?

Yes.

It isn’t just his surname he has difficulty with.

Nightcrawler is on general release.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL STEALS BEN AFFLECK’S ACTING BEARD

HOLLYWOOD – ‘Actor’ Jake Gyllenhaal was arrested today following accusations that he had stolen Ben Affleck’s best acting beard.

The beard – which was thought by many to be responsible for Affleck’s Oscar triumph in Argo some years ago – had gone missing from the night stand by Affleck’s bed nine months ago. Fingers had immediately pointed at Jennifer Garner who many believed had been wearing it somewhere on her person in an attempt for Oscar recognition in her supporting role in Dallas Buyers Club, something she has vehemently denied. 

Suspicion then alighted on Gyllenhaal after Hugh Jackman told the press that ‘blinky’ [as he prefers to call Gyllenhaal] had loaned him a beard while they were filming Prisoners, but wouldn’t tell him from whence it came. Police were finally alerted on seeing Enemy in which Gyllenhaal wears not one but two beards! Gyllenhaal’s lawyers have denied he stole the chin herbage and has never even been to Hawaii. 

The case looks set to go to trial in August. 

MY FAVORITE FILM: VLADIMIR PUTIN

MOSCOW – Hi Everybody! It’s me Vladimir Putin, Judo/Action star, best friends with Gerard Depardieu and … oh I run this little country called Russia, ha ha ha! No, seriously, it is actually very big.

We’re having this Winter Olympics thing with the skiing, the luge, the figure skating I don’t like so much. So to help drum up publicity my friend the Studio Exec said I could talk about my favorite film. So here goes.

Brokeback Mountain is a fantastic movie. First of all I love Westerns. Men in the wilderness being men. Looking after sheep (in this case) and spending Man time together, looking at the Manscape. They’re both married so that’s fine, but they are so manly they don’t really have much interest in their wives. As we say in Russia, “Only gays kiss girls!”

I love the actors. Jake Gyllenhaal is great, I really loved Donnie Darko as well, but in this he is better. He has such dark eyes. You really feel you could swim in them and I don’t know… sink beneath the surface of their moist sadness into a soft dream. And Heath Ledger is great! Wow, he can act. I liked him as the Joker as well. What happened to him? He’s so talented. Why isn’t he in more films?

I’m not quite sure what the story is really about. To be perfectly frank, I’m often so tired from running a police state, abusing human rights and wrestling other men while wearing what could be described as pyjamas until we’re all sweaty and spent, I often nod off during a film and Brokeback Mountain does have this soothing music. Randy Quaid is in it as well. He’s fantastic though he looks like he didn’t get paid enough. 

All I know is that Brokeback Mountain is a healthy invigorating film, about life in the great outdoors. It has two fine young men in it, who stand boldly erect as models of pure virtuous manliness. And there’s also a sadness because, naturally, one of them dies and life is hard. I can never watch this film without being deeply moved in a manly way. Anyway, those minorities are not going to repress themselves. I’ve enjoyed talking about ‘My Favorite Film’. 

Do Svidaniya! 

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER TO APPEAR IN DUNE REMAKE

LONDON – Michael Fassbender has been linked to the Dune reboot currently planned by Len Wiseman.

The announcement came as a surprise as most of the main roles have already been cast, with Jake Gyllenhaal as Paul Atreides, Ian McKellen playing his father, Jonah Hill as the evil Duke and Johnny Knoxville playing the role sting played with the underpants and the hair.

Fassbender was a bit coy when we spoke about it earlier this week.

‘Well to be honest it’s really a bit part,’ said the Guinness advertisement star. ‘I don’t actually have any lines and you won’t necessarily be seeing the whole of me on screen.’

Fassbender’s part


News will come as a special treat though for anyone who enjoyed him in Shame.

ANG LEE TALKS POSSIBLE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN 2

HOLLYWOOD – Brokeback Mountain was a breakthrough film for its two young leads Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, an Oscar winner and an immediate seminal film for the gay community and now Ang Lee – talking to French cultural magazine Chapeau – has hinted that he might be interested in filming Brokeback Mountain 2.

When asked about future projects, Mr. Lee first told the interviewer about his project based on the Little Book of Calm starring Joe Pesci (for more on that story CLICK HERE), but pushed to look further ahead, the Hulk director said the following:

I’ve always wanted to go back to the world that Annie Proulx and Larry McMurty created for Brokeback and revisit those characters. It’s especially fitting that we should see how Jake’s character responds to Ennis’ death, seeing how Heath is no longer with us.

 Je ne comprends pas! C’est ridicule! It is the Ennis character who is alive at the end of the film and Jack Twist who dies.

Was it? Jesus. Really? 

Ma oui! 

I suppose I’ve always wanted to revisit the world of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I wanted to find out what happened to Chow Yun Fat’s character, having to deal with Michelle Yeoh’s death.   

Brokeback Mountain 2 will be released in 2015.