NETFLIX TO REMAKE MONKEY WITH JADEN SMITH

HOLLYWOOD – Jaden Smith is to play Monkey in a Netflix produced remake of the cult Chinese TV show from the Eighties.

Jaden Smith is to take on the iconic role of Monkey in a Netflix remake of Monkey, the cult Chinese TV show. Jaden Smith told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I am so excited about this. I mean Monkey has his own cloud and he’s got a stick. I’m going to use my kung fu/Karate skills which Jackie Chan taught me in The Karate Kid.

The original show was actually a Japanese TV production though based on a Chinese novel and largely filmed in Chinese locations. It followed the adventures of the mischievous Monkey God (Smith) who must travel to India with Pigsy (Jonah Hill) and Sandy (Owen Wilson) in order to retrieve some ancient scriptures.

I’m so excited to do this because of the spiritual quest and of course I get the chance to fly on a cloud.

Monkey will drop in 2017.

WILL SMITH’S MIND IS BROKEN

HOLLYWOOD – Will Smith today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about how his mind was broken following the release of After Earth.

How’re you feeling today, Will Smith?

It’s my mind, Dave. It’s going. I can feel it. I can feel it.

When did this happen?

All my films must be number one for me to feel properly validated. And yet After Earth was so boring I fell asleep while I was making it. I would just drift through scenes. I was lying down a lot and I talk in my sleep so we managed to ADR a lot of the dialogue. I don’t know what happened. It’s not as if Hitch was this masterpiece. Or I am Legend for that matter. But After Earth… They abandoned me.

Who do you blame?

Squirrels mainly. Vicious little rodents. Why are they hiding the nuts? What’s so special about the nuts they need to hide them? When did they become so untrusting?

The squirrels?

Oh and my son. He betrayed me. I thought Jaden could act, but the boy cannot act. He’s like a mini-me, but without me, just the mini. He said afterwards… this is very hard. He came up to me afterwards and said ‘I’m sorry dad, truly I am.’

That’s…

Totally unconvincing. I didn’t believe it for a second and if he can’t sell it to me, how’s he going to sell it to them. The public, the audience. Jackie Chan said it best when he said ‘Get that little asshole away from me.’

So what’s next for Will Smith?

I can sing you a song ‘Daisy Daisy give me your answer do, I’m half crazy all for the love of you.’

That’s lovely. Um. Final question. Is there any truth to the rumor that you’re becoming a Scientologist?

Hey! I might be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Will Smith will next be appearing in M. Night Shyamalan’s new film Ding Dong.

MINECRAFT: THE MOTION PICTURE TO STAR TOM HANKS

HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros announced the popular internet game Minecraft is to get its own big screen adaptation and will star Tom Hanks, who is also named as a producer on the movie.

The sandbox indie game was created by Swedish programmer Markus ‘Notch’ Perrson and involves players building things and destroying stuff with blocks of things and stuff.

Tom Hanks spoke EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I’ve been a huge fan of Minecraft ever since the first day it came out. I was there. Playing away solo and then multiplayering and then I even started doing little YouTube videos to explain how to build certain little things I was particularly proud of.

What is the film going to be like?

It will be a live action film. I play Enderman. I can teleport around the biomes and collect stuff to build. I’m protecting like this little village. But there is this Zombie and he’s King of the Spiders and he’s trying to knock my stuff down.  So I have to go and find the magic elixir which will defeat him but when I do that I’m transported to the real world and here I might up with Jaden Smith who is like this star player of Minecraft and we have crazy adventures as I try to get back to my Biome and save the village from the attack of the Zombie king.

Sounds exciting.

Really? Good. Because we were worried it might turn out really dull. You know. Video games and films. And Jesus, Jaden Smith!

Yeah, no, that bit I’d keep quiet about.

Minecraft will be released in 2016.

 

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN SIGNS ON FOR ‘TWISTER’

ATHENS – Famed ‘genius’ and ‘film’ ‘director’ M. Night Shyamalan is looking to rescue the twisted wreckage of his career after After Earth with a new project, which seeks to combine a commercially viable idea with his penchant for a certain trade mark narrative technique.

Following on from the massive success of Battleship and There Will Be BloodTwister is the latest popular game (this time from MB Games) to get a big screen conversion and Shyamalan hopes that it will save him from twin dollops such as The Happening and The Last Airbender.

The game – which involves placing hands and feet (and in the Bangkok version sexual organs) on different colored circles at the whimsical behest of a spinning arrow controlled by a laughing idiot – does not immediately suggest a narrative, but Shyamalan is both optimistic and desperately unhappy.

I think this is a marriage made in heaven between my films and the game. On the one hand you have an inane, truly ridiculous series of contortions which will inevitably collapse to the sound of derisive laughter and on the other you have the game, Twister.  

Twister will be released in 2015 and will star Will and Jandapus Smith.

WILL SMITH: PARENTING TIPS

HOLLYWOOD – Fresh from his success at the Razzies, Will Smith, Fresh Prince of the Men in Black drops his Hancock and tells us how The Pursuit of Happyness can be achieved when raising children without a Hitch.

1. Keep kids grounded by having them star in films that have elements of ‘realism’ in them. Nothing too depressing though. Rags to riches, that kind of shit.

2. Don’t let them get too carried away with their dreams…teach them to have a back-up plan. Like Executive Producing a Comedy Central show on the weekends or releasing a perfume brand.

3. Set meal times. Install an alarm on the private jet that rings for the chef to wake up no matter what time zone you are in!

4. Set aside quality time. Organise a project with an exotic location and a director with enough vision to include varied activities/set pieces.

5. Teach values by sourcing scripts that teach values.

6. Emphasise personality over looks. At least one project a year that requires a facial prosthetic. 

7. Practical life skills: teach them how to weave their own wicker sacrifice throne for monthly illuminati shindigs. Practice on stray animals and TV infomercial interns.

8. Encourage humility. Have the home help role play as TV talk show audience, learn to address the crowd with self effacing wit when required. React with good humor to ’embarrassing clips’ 

9. Hire film crew for ’embarrassing clips’ and workshop some scenarios designed to showcase ‘realness’ 

10. Remember, kids are just people! Just like ‘people’, they need a manager, agent, stylist, publicist, songwriting team, personal trainer, nutritionist, language coach, social media coordinator, brand strategist, bodyguard, body double, babysitter, runners, hair and make up, speech writer, tailor, pastry chef, driver, pilot, and spiritual guru. 

 
We were all young once.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 20: WILL AND JADEN SMITH

 MOSCOW – We meet in Russia of all places where Will and Jaden Smith are promoting their new film Another Earth, a (gulp) M. Night Shyamalan eco- Science Fiction Oblivion style thing.

Cornflakes, hot milk, grapefruit juice and half digested Stephen Hawking.

Apparently you believe life can be understood through patterns.


Will:
 I am a student of patterns. At heart, I’m a physicist. I actually have a white coat I sometimes wear. With pencils in the breast pocket. I look at everything in my life as trying to find the single equation, the theory of everything. 
Is there a single theory to everything?
Jaden: D’uh! There’s definitely a theory to everything.
Will:
 You tell him son. When you find things that are tried and true for millennia, you can bet that it’s going to happen tomorrow.
Jaden:
 The sun coming up?
Will:
 The sun coming up, that’ll work. But even a little more. Like for Best Actor Oscars. Same thing, right? Often someone will get an Oscar for like a film and if they don’t do a film then they won’t get an Oscar. Patterns!
Do you see patterns too, Jaden?
Jaden: I think there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation. We need another symbol which would look like a fried egg being hung from a mountain. 
Will:
 I agree with all of that. Damn you’re smart.
Jaden:
 It’s beyond mathematical. It’s, like, multidimensional mathematical, pscho-matical. If you can sort of (?) understand what I’m saying.
Are both of you religious?
Will: No, we are students of world religion. Like there’s Jesus and Buddha and Mohammed and we like combine all of them. Like Jebumed Chrisha. You dig?
You and Jaden have acted in two movies together, including After Earth. Are you planning on a third?
Will: If you were a student of the ‘pattern’, you’d have to say we’re going to do another one.
Jaden:
 I definitely would do another one, absolutely. You know, how Ingmar Bergman and Max Von Sydow used to always do films together, Martin Scorsese and Robert de Niro? We’ll have a relationship like that, though I’m not sure if those guys were related.
Do you think of that as a separate relationship from your father-son relationship?
Jaden: It’s kind of like father and son, except that we’re going to work together. [Points to his dad.] Like you worked in your family business with your dad. I’m just working in my family business with my dad. Patterns, BOOM.

Jaden, how does it feel to be famous?
Jaden: I think it’s fun, except when people make up stuff about you like those assholes over at Studio Exec. Then it’s not so much fun. But besides that, I enjoy it.