JACKIE CHAN TURNS UP TO THE OSCARS WAY TOO EARLY

HOLLYWOOD – Last night Jackie Chan turned up to the Oscars way too early.

Hong Kong action star Jackie Chan attended an Oscar ceremony three months before they were due to begin.

Having awarded himself a life-time achievement award, the Drunken Master himself spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact of the matter is they’re not going to give me an Oscar if I hang around until February. The traffic is always bad and the paparazzi are there too. Plus I think I have a birthday that weekend. Anyway, this way I get the Oscar and I have it for Christmas as well.

Star of over 500 films, Jackie Chan has broken more bones than Kevin James has eaten Doritos. The Oscar stands as a belated award for his sterling contribution to comedy, action and martial arts movie making.

Jackie Chan’s Waiting for Godot will be released in 2017.

 

GARY MARSHALL PREPS TAX DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, Gary Marshall begins filming on his most ambitious project yet Tax Day.

Gary Marshall has become synonimous with the kind of feel good movie featuring a large starry ensemble based on a national day of celebration. New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day and more recently Mother’s Day have all been universally praised for their depth, their good humor and the way it keeps Julia Robert’s kitchen well stocked in the high quality breakfast cereal to which she has grown accustomed. Now he’s back with Tax Day and Marshall turned up to the Studio Exec bungalow this morning armed with the biggest cake you’ve ever seen. (And we know you’ve spent your lives looking at really big cakes):

I’m always looking for a challenge. People sometimes accuse me quite unfairly of being a commercial director who is looking for just big commercial films to plop in a bunch of soon to be B-listers, but that isn’t fair or true. I’m always looking for social realism.I feel very much like Ken Loach or the Dardennes brothers. So for this film I’m going to show what it’s like on April the 18th. The day a group of disparate characters have to submit their tax forms. Is love Tax deductible?

Who is starring in it?

Ever since I floated the project my phone hasn’t stopped ringing. Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipe, Julia Roberts, Cortney Cox, Jennifer Aniston and Gabriel Byrne all want to be involved. It’s going to be a feel good movie about filling in tax forms.

Filming is due to begin on location in Panama this week.

Tax Day will be released in 2017.

JACKIE CHAN IS WAITING FOR GODOT

HOLLYWOOD – Kung fu master and top physical comedian Jackie Chan has signed on for Kenneth Branagh’s Waiting for Godot.

Based on Samuel Beckett’s smash hit stage play, the Rush Hour and Shanghai Noon star Jackie Chan will play Estragon, one of a pair of old geezers who stand around waiting for Godot – a mysterious figure – to arrive. ‘It’s a hilarious knockabout comedy,’ said Thor director Brannagh. ‘And that’s why I thought Jackie would be perfect for the role.’

The Drunken Master himself high kicked his way into the press conference and seemed genuinely pumped to be part of the cast which will also star Brannagh himself as Vladimir and include a cameo from Jet Li as Lucky:

I love Beckett and I can’t wait to see what Kenny is going to do with it.  I’ve wanted to work with him for years. Back when he was doing Hamlet I was going to play Claudius but there was a scheduling issue. Now I’m more determined and this will happen. The only thing I’m slightly disappointed about is that I didn’t get the role of Godot. That’s a peach.

Waiting for Godot will be released in 2017.

WILL SMITH’S MIND IS BROKEN

HOLLYWOOD – Will Smith today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about how his mind was broken following the release of After Earth.

How’re you feeling today, Will Smith?

It’s my mind, Dave. It’s going. I can feel it. I can feel it.

When did this happen?

All my films must be number one for me to feel properly validated. And yet After Earth was so boring I fell asleep while I was making it. I would just drift through scenes. I was lying down a lot and I talk in my sleep so we managed to ADR a lot of the dialogue. I don’t know what happened. It’s not as if Hitch was this masterpiece. Or I am Legend for that matter. But After Earth… They abandoned me.

Who do you blame?

Squirrels mainly. Vicious little rodents. Why are they hiding the nuts? What’s so special about the nuts they need to hide them? When did they become so untrusting?

The squirrels?

Oh and my son. He betrayed me. I thought Jaden could act, but the boy cannot act. He’s like a mini-me, but without me, just the mini. He said afterwards… this is very hard. He came up to me afterwards and said ‘I’m sorry dad, truly I am.’

That’s…

Totally unconvincing. I didn’t believe it for a second and if he can’t sell it to me, how’s he going to sell it to them. The public, the audience. Jackie Chan said it best when he said ‘Get that little asshole away from me.’

So what’s next for Will Smith?

I can sing you a song ‘Daisy Daisy give me your answer do, I’m half crazy all for the love of you.’

That’s lovely. Um. Final question. Is there any truth to the rumor that you’re becoming a Scientologist?

Hey! I might be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Will Smith will next be appearing in M. Night Shyamalan’s new film Ding Dong.