JACK REACHER 3 WILL FEATURE JASON BOURNE

HOLLYWOOD – First look at the final film in the Jack Reacher trilogy with a surprise franchise crossover.

Tom Cruise today released the first poster for Jack Reacher 3, which debuted an older looking Jason Bourne. Cruise spoke briefly with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We decided to go in a totally new direction with Reacher in order to close off the trilogy. We’re taking Wanted Man, the novel by Lee Child but we’re adapting it quite freely. Jack has become tired of the wandering life and has bought a farm along with Jason Bourne and the chick from Lucy. What was her name? Anyway, they get into all sorts of hilarious japes with the animals, especially Tony the flatulent giraffe. Then of course some Ukrainian gangsters show up. I don’t want to spoil it so I’ll leave it there. But I think this will be a great way of closing the chapter on Jack Reacher.

That’s amazing!

I’m so excited to try comedy. I don’t think I’ve ever done it.

You had a cameo in Tropic Thunder.

Was that me?

Jack Reacher Buys a Zoo will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JACK RYAN VS JACK REACHER

HOLLYWOOD – You want to watch a movie with Jack in the title but do you choose Jack Reacher or Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit. Here’s our handy FREE cut out and keep 5 FACT guide.

1. In the CIA or out of the CIA? Jack Ryan is in the CIA, I think and Jack Reacher is out of the CIA, an ex-Military Policeman or something. Ryan is played by Tom Cruise, the Scientologist, whereas Reacher is played by Captain Kirk, or the other way round.

2. Motorcycle or car? Jack Reacher drives a car fast as a way of not being boring. Jack Ryan drives a motorcycle fast, proving also that he’s not boring either. Jack Ryan however has more to prove as he is also an information analyst, someone who can download information to a USB stick quickly and is attracted to Keira Knightley. During the making of neither film did the director shout ‘Action!’ Oh, incidentally, Jack Ryan is so boring that Kevin Costner’s appearance actually ADDS excitement!

3. Herzog or Branagh? Dodgy accents ahoy! But only one of them is also an actual accent. Jack Reacher’s Werner Herzog is zee villain of choice. In Jack Ryan, or Reacher, Kenneth Branagh looks bored, as if he is regretting not doing Thor 2.

4. And the villains want to destroy the world? More dodgy real estate (Jack Reacher) or market fiddling (Jack Ryan). Of course both of these ends require snipers (Jack Reacher) or terrorist attacks (Jack Ryan) but none of it makes much sense and it’s probably best you don’t actually think about it too much, because the thinking thing with the ideas stuff gets in the way of the technical stuff.

5. Based on books? Jack Reacher is a character from a series of books by Lee Child, a British author (real name Jim Grant) who supports Aston Villa football club. Anyone who knows Aston Villa football club will understand the excitement of Jack Reacher. Jack Ryan is the creation of the late Tom Clancy, who is to literature what wet paint is to dry paint.

 For more FACTS click HERE.

TOM CRUISE BUYS EASTERN EUROPE

HOLLYWOOD – Following his purchase of Liechtenstein (CLICK HERE for more), Oblivion and Jack Reacher star Tom Cruise has bought the whole of Eastern Europe for the staggering price of $3 million dollars.

A deal was reached on Friday and Tom Cruise is expected to move in later this week, although a source close to the star says Tom would first like to do some renovations and perhaps paint.

Many have criticized the Rain Man – as he prefers to be called even though technically Dustin Hoffman… well it doesn’t matter – for an extravagant disregard for other people and the sovereignty of nations. Angela Merkel – the German Chancellor – said that this was not the solution to Europe’s problems.

We’re doing very well at the moment and we don’t need another charismatic little man bossing everyone around. After all, well, you know.

Europe watcher and property expert Willem Dafoe complemented his fellow actor on his astute purchase:

Tom moved in at exactly the right time. The market is at an all time low, basically it’s a fire sale. And to pick up all these countries – Hungary, the Baltic states, Ukraine, Slovakia etc – for such a price is a canny steal. 

What will he do with it?

Oh, he’ll flip it. He’ll do some quick work. Spruce it up and then sell it on and make a big profit.

Others, however, argue that Cruise has his eye on world domination. Already Scientology has been made the state religion throughout Liechtenstein and eastern Europe and new regulations have muzzled the freedom of the press, forcing them to say that Jack Reacher was exciting and Oblivion profound.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 5 GETS DECEMBER RELEASE AND NEW TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – The fifth instalment of the Mission Impossible franchise starring Tom Cruise and directed by Jack Reacher genius Christopher McQuaurrie will be released in December of 2015 so mark it in your calendars.

No, not that calendar the other one. There you go.

In addition to the release date we also learned that the title would be changed. McQuarrie explained exclusively to the Studio Exec:

There are a number of factors. First of all there’s only so many times you can have a bunch of characters go on a Mission Impossible only for them to actually achieve the mission. You lose the trust of the audience and as we’ve already done it four times I think their patience is wearing pretty thin. Add to this the fact that Tom is getting to a certain age. He is 51 of our Earth years and in reality even more than that. So can he do an impossible mission? Perhaps not. 

 Can you tell us anything about the story?

Are you kidding? Of course not! All I can say is it’s going to be more realistic and less cartoonish. We’re going to see Ethan struggling with the stairs occasionally and forgetting things he had to do so much so he begins to make lists of everything and ticking them of with a biro. We’re still going to have exciting action sequences, but it’ll be more Tom putting together flat pack furniture from Ikea and less terrorist attacks.

Mission Incredibly Difficult but Doable will be released in December, 2015.  

UNIVERSAL CELEBRATION: JACK REACHER SEQUEL ‘WILL NOT GO AHEAD’

HOLLYWOOD – Spontaneous parties broke out everywhere, enmity was forgotten and fierce enemies became the fastest of friends, Muslim and Jew, Sikh and Hindu, Christians and Richard Dawkins were all united in a festival of friendship and understanding as Paramount released a statement saying it was unlikely that the planned sequel to Jack Reacher would go ahead.

The Syrian civil war for a moment paused in its blood shed, the first time it had done so since the announcement of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart reuniting late last year.

The only people not celebrating were members of the ‘Church’ of ‘Scientology’, who saw in the underwhelming performance of the Lee Child adaptation the meddling of Xenu and modern psycho-pharmacology.

‘I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,’ said Ali Dachou, returning from the funeral of his whole family who had been killed by a drone attack on the Pakistan border. ‘Things are bad but at least I won’t have to put up with anymore of Mr Cruise’s posturing.’

Werner Herzog also expressed joy. ‘Hopefully the film will be buried in a very deep box and forgotten about,’ the Austrian director hissed, who had a role in the film as the villain.

JACK REACHER: REVIEW


A fabulous opening sniper scene but nobody knows what film they are supposed to be in. Cruise thinks it’s Mission Impossible. Werner Herzog has come dressed as a bond villain and Rosamond Pike is channelling Barbara Windsor in Carry on Camping.

Cruise investigates a shooting. Pike shows some cleavage.
Cruise beats up some henchman. Pike shows some cleavage.
Cruise gets wrongly accused of murder. Pike ties tassels to her nipples and does a handstand with no knickers on.

Herzog’s mad Russian with a fondness for biting off fingers seems a little excessive when you discover he’s little more than a dubious estate agent. Robert Duvall plays the same grizzled sidekick role as he has for the last ten years to pay for his HBO subscription.

By the end you don’t really care what the bad guys’ motive was which is lucky because McQuarrie forgets to tell you. Tiny Tom might be miscast but it’s the script that needs a wooden box to stand on and as it was co-written by the original author Lee Child, foaming fan boys should be posting dog turds through his letter box rather than Cruise’s.


JACK REACHER TRAILER REVEALS SURPRISING PLOT DETAILS

You, yes I’m going to kill you!

The new Jack Reacher trailer released earlier this week, revealed a kick ass action thriller with a mean looking Tom Cruise being pithy and aggressive with a surprising cameo from Werner Herzog as a lisping Austrian accented villain, possibly a first in a Hollywood film. Less noted however was an entire sub-plot that is teased.

Robert Duvall appears briefly with the line “You’re a little rusty, Reacher.” Rusty Reacher was the stunt coordinator on Days of Thunder in which both Duvall and Tom Cruise appeared in 1990. To add to specualtion that Jack Reacher is actually an unofficial sequel to Days of Thunder, it has also been pointed out that Jack Reacher has the same number of letters as Cole Treacle, (the character he played in Days of Thunder) and both characters seem to be able to drive cars and use telephones.


Writer and director of Jack Reacher, Christopher McQuarrie said the theories were “Nonsense.”, and “Horse apples.”, a distraction from his over arching artistic plan. “Reacher completes the trilogy that began with The Way of the Gun and continued with The Tourist. It’s like Wagner’s Ring cycle. By which I mean to say it is that good and that culturally significant.”

Mr McQuarrie was recently listed on Variety’s list of the top 25 Hollywood super powers who most deserve a slap.