ADAM SANDLER TO STAR IN SEASON 4 OF HOUSE OF CARDS

HOLLYWOOD – A hidden clause in his new Netflix deal means Adam Sandler is to replace Kevin Spacey in season 4 of the hit show ‘House of Cards’

Netflix boss Reed Hastings announced the deal very quickly and quietly at the end of his press conference, in the same super-speedy way car insurance adverts deliver the small print of the contract:

‘Oh yeah and Adam is going to be taking over for Kevin Spacey in House of Cards 4. We’re all thrilled,’ he said.

It is understood that Mr. Sandler has been a fan of Kevin Spacey for some time and has been heard many times to exclaim, ‘Why don’t people take me seriously as an actor?’

Mr. Sandler telephoned Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to explain his motivation:

I am a fantastic actor when I get the right material, and ‘House of Cards’ contains some of the sharpest dramatic writing of recent years. I can’t wait to get my tongue around some of that snappy dialogue.

So this is what you really want to do?

Absolutely—all that other stuff, the film stuff, that was just my way in. A pretty Underwood way of doing things, I think you’ll agree.

Yes.

And because of my experience in comedy, especially with the film ‘Jack and Jill,’ I am a versatile enough performer to play not only the part of Frank Underwood, but also the part of his wife Claire, previously played by Robin Wright.

Fans of the show are dying by the thousands as they decide life is simply not worth living in light of the news, but Netflix has been quick to point out that rival HBO began the trend when they hired Vince f*cking Vaughn to star in ‘True Detective.’

House of Cards 4 will premiere in early 2016.

NETFLIX WIN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

STOCKHOLM – Entertainment streaming service Netflix today won the Nobel Peace Prize, beating off (but not violently) stiff competition from human rights protesters and Pakistani school girls.

The Academy decided to award the prestigious Prize as a direct response to the selflessness and sacrifice of the business in diminishing the violence perpetrated on the public. Academy Chair Olaf Spatt told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Netflix has given Adam Sandler a deal to make four films which will be distributed exclusively by  Netflix. This means that the public can go to the cinema without fear of accidentally seeing an Adam Sandler comedy such as Grown Ups 2 or Jack and Jill. And it will protect the weak-minded who might even believe that some of these comedies ‘are not that bad’.

Netflix joins James Franco who the other day won everything and who will share the Peace Prize.

DO THE RUSSIANS ALSO WANT ADAM SANDLER?









HOLLYWOOD – State Department officials admitted that they had approached high ranking officers in the Putin administration in Russia to request they also give citizenship to Adam Sandler. ‘We noticed they were giving away citizenship to people like Gerard Depardieu and we thought we’d pop the question,’ said a source from the White House. ‘We didn’t think they’d say yes and as a matter of fact, they didn’t.’

The move came as Russia became the go-to dictatorship for pampered rich actor types who didn’t want their hard earned money going to build schools and hospitals and the like. Brigitte Bardot became the latest French film icon to seek Russian citizenship, protesting at the continued existence of animal murderer Peter Jackson. ‘He kills elephants,’ the deranged actress creamed. BB will be known as Nikita ‘Like the Elton John song’ Barbushka, as she joined Gerard Depardieu in Moscow.

It has been the stated policy of this administration to get rid of Mr. Sandler as soon as we can. He represents a clear and present danger of making Jack and Jill 2. But unfortunately the Russians have seen The Waterboy and told us to withdraw the request or face retaliation. 

BOTH OBAMA AND ROMNEY BACK SANDLER STAY AT HOME BILL

WASHINGTON – Responding to a massive swell in popular opinion and a Kickstarter campaign, both President Obama and Governor Romney expressed their support for an ‘Adam Sandler Stay at Home Bill’ in the next legislature.

Bi-partisan support was expressed during the debate in Denver last night when moderator Jim Lehrer asked both candidates ‘What should be done about Sandler?’ For once the bickering and arguing stopped as both candidates pledged to oversee a law which would see the Jack and Jill comedian forced to stay at home ‘possibly reading magazines, why not?’ and not make movies.

‘Have either of you ever seen an Adam Sandler movie?’ Lehrer followed up. Romney looked pained and admitted to having seen one, ‘I was on a long flight,’ he pleaded.

Obama in his one gaffe of the night replied ‘Fuck no.’

Mr Sandler said that the whole thing was laughable and throughout his whole career he had successfully avoided anything that was laughable.

KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN TO PAY ADAM SANDLER TO STAY HOME AND READ MAGAZINES

HOLLYWOOD – We all hate Adam Sandler films but an unemployed electrician from Salt Lake City is actually doing something about it. He’s started a Kickstarter campaign to financially persuade Adam Sandler to stop making films.

Rodney Kaylow, 36, has been frequently upset by how poor Adam Sandler movies are.

‘It’s not that they’re not funny,’ he said. ‘They usually aren’t, but they’re also really mean spirited.’

And so not happy with simply complaining, Mr Kaylow and his girlfriend Jenny have kicked off a Kickstarter campaign which he hopes will raise enough money to effectively bribe Mr Sandler to stay home and read magazines instead of making movies.

‘I understand he makes millions so we’re going to have to raise a lot of money,’ said Mr Kaylow. ‘But wouldn’t it be better if that money was spent and there wasn’t an Adam Sandler movie out every year? Sometimes he makes two. In 2008 he made three. Three Adam Sandler movies! For the love of God!’

Mr Kaylow had no exact figures to hand but he says the support has been overwhelming. ‘But aren’t there more important causes for people to give money to?’ Studio Exec asked. 

‘Oh yeah,’ Mr Kaylow chuckled. ‘I expect they’re will be lots more dying kids in Africa this year but at least we won’t have to walk around wondering if the next one could possibly be worse than Jack and Jill.’