DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

AVENGERS 4 WILL KILL OFF EVERYONE

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel big boss Kevin Feige revealed that Avengers 4 will kill off the entire cast.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Marvel president Kevin Feige promised that the next Avengers film – Avengers 4 – will be a character blood bath.

First, we’ve looked at all the superhero films around and we’ve seen that audiences are getting tired of this stuff. There’s a point that comes where they want some kind of closure. So, for the next Avengers movie we’ve decided on a radical solution. A kind of WTF finale. Where everyone dies! Do you get it?

Wow!

I know. I first got the idea from watching Game of Thrones. You see those guys came up with a brilliant idea. You have established characters everyone knows and loves and they seem to be on a journey. And then BHAM! They’re dead. Or squish, in the case of the guy who got his head caved in.

Oberyn Martell?

That’s the guy.

So you’re going to kill them all off?

Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk Thor.

The Black Widow?

Who?

Scarlett Johansson. 

Oh yeah. Definitely.

Aren’t you worried that telling us this will spoil the movie?

Telling everybody? I’m only telling you SE. Hey, you’re not going to tell anyone are you?

Er. No.

Good. You got anymore shrimp. These are delicious.

Avengers 4 will be released in 2018.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR GETS A JOB AS A LIBRARIAN

HOLLYWOOD – Chaplin and Iron man star Robert Downey Jr today retired from acting and got a job as a librarian.

Robert Downey Jr retired as an actor after a series of hits, in order to concentrate on his work as a librarian.

The Less Than Zero star spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the change in direction:

I’ve always loved libraries. I like the atmosphere and the smell of books and old carpet. When I was a child I’d go tot he library and just hang out. Even as I began to work in films, I’d always find time to visit the local library wherever we were shooting. Sometimes the librarian would let me stamp out a couple of books and I tell you, I was hooked.

What appeals to you about library work?

The promotion of education, encouraging the love of reading, giving homeless people a warm place to sleep in the afternoon. All these things are important to me. But most of all I love shushing people. To give a correctly loud and sharp shhhh! has to be the most satisfying thing in the world. I’ve worked with some of the best directors in the world; the most talented actors and actresses, but nothing compared to shushing a teenager and seeing the respect and fear in their eyes. Iron Man is nothing to Librari Man!

Robert Downey Jr. will be appearing in the New York Public Library in 2018.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S DOG TALKS DOCTOR DOOLITTLE

HOLLYWOOD – We talk to Robert Downey Jr’s dog about preparations for his new film The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle.

Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr is to play Doctor Doolittle in a new film The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle. This came as no surprise to Bangs, Downey Jr’s ten-year-old sheep dog. Bangs sat down to talk EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Robert’s excited about the new film. He could talk about nothing else. I remember when Eddie Murphy played the role, the animal community was horrified. You see Murphy played Donkey in Shrek as well and we saw that as taking a job from a real donkey. It isn’t like donkeys have much opportunity to work and for a human actor to take a role like that, well for us it’s as bad as black face.

How is Robert’s Bark?

Oh, it’s worse than his bite. Ha ha ha. No just a little sheep dog humor there. No, it’s good. And he’s fluent in cat, though that is mainly facial expression and inscrutable stares. Goldfish he’s got down but that’s such a small vocabulary. He’s going to have to pick up some of the more exotic languages. Giraffe, lion, elephant, cobra, llama, rhinoceros and hippopotamus. Russell Crowe came over last night and was teaching him the basics of kangaroo.

That sounds great. You must have been jumping for joy. 

That’s just racist. What the fuck is wrong with you man?

I’m sorry I just meant…

I know exactly what you meant. You fucking humans are all the same. You finally start speaking to us and all you can do is make lame jokes and trade in reductive stereotypes. Man, Caesar is right about you assholes!

Who’s Caesar?

I don’t need to tell you nothing. Wait until Robert hears about this. He’s going to be madder than a motherfucker. No respect. You got no respect.

Fetch!

Wait, where’d it go? Where’d it go?

The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle will be released in 2018.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR – SPOILER FREE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – As Marvel’s new movie Captain America: Civil War hits the screens, the Studio Exec gives his trademark SPOILER FREE review.

One of the most eagerly waited films of the year, Captain America: Civil War has finally arrived but is it any good? Read our EXCLUSIVE SPOILER FREE review.

Either Captain America wins, or Iron Man wins, or they both discover that their mothers had the same name.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR ‘HISTORICALLY INACCURATE’

HOLLYWOOD – The next big Marvel movie – Captain America: Civil War – is ‘historically inaccurate’ claims academic.

Captain America: Civil War might be creating a lot of positive buzz from early screenings, but Professor Aloysius Halton was not impressed by the film’s rendering of a historical period of which he is an acknowledged expert:

The fact of the matter is the American Civil War began on April 12, 1861 and ended on May 9, 1865. In that period the North and the South battled for supremacy, with fortunes swinging first one way then the next. This new film contains so many historical inaccuracies that it is difficult to know where to begin.

But Professor…?

To begin with the technology on display here is totally anachronistic. Not only are there cars and airplanes and computers – none of which existed in the mid-nineteenth century, but there’s even an Iron Man, who flies around on jet engines! Ludicrous.

But surely…?

And the principal participants of the Civil War were not an outlandish figure called Captain America or Iron Man. It was Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis. Generals Lee and Ulysses Grant are entirely absent from this retelling and although there is a character called Black Panther, there is hardly ever note taken of the role of slavery, even though that issue was the central Casus Belli. F minus.

Captain America: Civil War is due out later this month.

MARVEL BUY ROMANIA FOR FUTURE DESTRUCTION

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel have bought the European country of Romania in a deal worth $57 million and have slated the country for destruction some time in 2018.

Following the destruction of Sokovia in Avengers: Age of Ultron, Marvel have been on the look out for a new country to destroy in the hope of recreating the success of the Avengers film. A Marvel Studios insider spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about how they zeroed in on Romania:

The destruction of Sokovia everyone agreed was a huge success. Yes we destroyed the country, but every single citizen of Sokovia was given a Blu-ray DVD of the Avengers and DVD of Captain America: Winter Soldier, so you can’t say fairer than that. The one problem was that it was quite expensive for us to do and the money was mainly wasted in retrospect. All the different permits and permissions we needed and then the tax breaks weren’t quite as inviting as we thought they would be.

I see.

The solution though was fairly simple. If we owned a country outright then we could pretty much do what we wanted with it. We originally thought of Lichtenstein, which is very small and manageable, but Tom Cruise already owns it and doesn’t want to sell. Then we thought of Great Britain. It’s got to be good, right? It’s in the name. But they’ve had a really bad experience with London Has Fallen and they don’t even want to talk. They’re still putting Big Ben back up.

So Romania?

Yeah. Romania was our Goldilocks moment. Just right. $57 million is on the low side I feel. I mean we paid that much for catering on Iron Man 3 and that was just Gwyneth Paltrow.

When can we expected to see Romania destroyed?

I think we’ll destroy it over a series of films, but I would like the new Doctor Strange movie to have the destruction of Romania, maybe not even as a conclusion, but a pre-credit sequence.

And the people of Romania?

Well, there’s a huge refugee crisis in Europe as you know. So we’ll just get those people to join that but they’ll all be wearing brand new Thor baseball caps and carrying copies of the Captain America: Civil War novelization in their new  Incredible Hulk fanny packs.

Doctor Strange will be released in 2018.

MARVEL LAUNCH 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNEL

NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.

They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:

This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.

Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:

Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.

The Marvel News Channel will  begin broadcasting at the end of the week.

MARVEL FILMS ‘BASICALLY LIKE THE WEATHER’

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel films have now become basically like the weather, a new study by scientists from the internet has reported.

With an ever increasing crop of Marvel films every year – Ant-Man and The Avengers: Age of Ultron have already hit the screens – the prevalence of superhero films from the Marvel stable has rendered them basically the same as the weather.

Dr. Rupert Magget of the Weather Channel told the Studio Exec:

There are tribes in the Amazon rain forest that have never spoken on a telephone, never seen a television and don’t have a word in their language for Frappucino. And these tribes are looking forward to the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel and talk about nothing but when the Black Widow is going to get a stand alone movie.

How do you explain this dominance?

Some would say that the ruling ideas of any epoch are the ideas of the ruling class. Actually Karl Marx would say that. So if we look at what Marvel produces, stories about small elite teams of individuals being given carte blanche to do anything and justified by a constant state of terror which is always threatening to destroy the world but actually doesn’t then … well, I don’t know. Tony Stark is a one percenter, Captain America is someone for whom the Second World War never actually finished and the Hulk is someone who destroys cities with apparent impunity. All of these are supported by a mysterious NSA style organisation with a huge budget.

But some would say that the Marvel films are critical of themselves and investigate these very points.

Perhaps. But what is interesting is that when we talk about the Marvel Universe, we’re not just talking about a fictive space in which many different stories exist in the same geographical and historical space, we’re also talking about an ideological uniformity that is actually quite fascistic. Look at Iron Man, we’re concerned about his state of mind, his state of being and ultimately everything is resolved because of his ability to apply force, rendering all other questions null and void.

Jesus. This got really serious.

I’m just a weatherman.

Okay. So what has this got to do with the weather?

Well, that’s just about how many Marvel films we’re getting. And not just how many but with each film we get a round of trailers, first glimpses, photos, rumors, interviews, it’s just endless. Now, like weather, it just kind of blends into one thing.

What about the DC Comics Universe?

I don’t know what that is.

Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange and Guardians of the Galaxy 2 are all due out in 2016.

AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON: REVIEW

AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON: REVIEW – The Avengers return in Joss Whedon’s slick screwball comedy.

Crash, Bang, Wallop – what a picture! There’s wit – fan service – action scenes and other stuff, but to be honest I’m getting a bit tired of Marvel and superhero pictures in general. There’s nothing wrong with the picture. Far from it. The gang are back together and fighting Hydra in some snowy mittel-European Ruritania, providing The Avengers with a nice ‘elsewhere’ setting in some exciting punch ’em up scenes: the hero shot comes early! And then we have a glowing blue doo-hah which must be protected because it’s so powerful. But Tony Stark/Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) can’t help but fiddle with it in an attempt to create an artificial intelligence defense system which would effectively render the Avengers obsolete.  Oopsy-daisy! Ultron turns into a super villain intent on wiping out humanity.

Despite the clear intelligence of Whedon as a filmmaker, his actually characters are whoppingly stupid, none more so than the ‘genius’ Stark, who frankly gets off incredibly lightly for his potentially genocidal error. There’s some soap opera with the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson). Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Captain America (Chris Evans) grab some of the funniest lines, proving that occasionally it’s the straight men who can snatch the laughs when the self-knowing wit of RDJ grows wearisome. Elizabeth Olsen, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Paul Bettany are new heroes, the former seems to be spending this phase of her career tripping through rubble (see also Godzilla).

So it’s fun and all that. But I can’t say I care as much as perhaps I’m led to believe by score etc. that I should. I don’t care about Hulk and Black Widow. I’m unconvinced by the moral conundrums, when no one seems to want to take responsibility for their actions. Doctor Banner is supposed to be the conscience of the group but after he wreaks havoc through a city center his only solution seems to be to run away. And perhaps I’m weighed down by the prospect of another two Russo brothers directed movies: The Avengers: Infinity Wars Parts One and Two, but I’m beginning to suffer from a genuine fatigue with this sort of thing, regardless of its quality. It’s going to go the way of the Western. There are simply too many and no matter how good an individual film might be – and this is a stand out entry – there are only so many times you can watch a city destroyed, a blue doo-dah purloined, a bunch of costumed sociopaths ruminate on morality before you begin to think it might be time for the whole sub-fascist circus to be wrapped up and put away.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

THE JUDGE: REVIEW

Tony Stark – a hot-shot immoral defense lawyer – returns to Indiana for his mother’s funeral and meets up with his Days of Thunder consigliere father Col. Kilgore, a cantankerous judge who soon finds himself on the wrong side of the law.

Will his estranged son defend him? Will their relationship be restored? Will they perhaps go fishing the way Tony Stark wants to? This is like August: Osage County meets that Hannah Montana movie where the big city gal rediscovers the joy of homeliness – and spices it up with some illicit ‘urban’ beats. Good Christ but it’s wretched. And Tony Stark is appalling. Everything in the movie services him. An encounter with some barroom thugs, sweet talking his old school girlfriend, the yokel lawyer’s incompetence are all staged to allow Downey a moment of verbal dexterity and a series of twitchy, ironic, winky and eminently punchable reaction shots. (Sidebar: his father has been a judge in these parts for forty years, is a pillar of the community and he doesn’t know a lawyer better than a part-time puker?) He even has a ‘Holy Fool’ brother who walks around with a camera all the time, allowing Downey to be patient and loving with him in contrast to his older sibling and thereby winning more audience points.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I contend that Iron Man did not kill Robert Downey Jr. Nor Sherlock Holmes who is basically Iron Man in a fusty accent and a frock coat. Downey Jr – the actor – died the moment he discovered that he could get away with being likeable. His likeability means there’s no real edge to his smarmy bastard act. Everyone in the film keeps telling him what he’s like – ‘You really are a bastard’, ‘You hate bullies, but you are one’ etc. – because his performance doesn’t do it. Look at Paul Newman in The Verdict. Now there’s a Hollywood star who was unafraid of playing moral corruption like it meant something. And likewise earning the redemption rather than it just being a predictable plot point you can spot from the Warner Bros logo.

Objection! Robert Duvall is excellent.

Sustained. But he’s been an excellent character actor from Boo Radley on. That’s a given. It’s the film that stands accused, letting him down and Billy Bob Thornton and Vera Farmiga and Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket, and it must also answer for its obnoxiously wrong tone, switching from mawkish sentimentality to folksy comedy in a way I’d call cynical, but cynicism implies some facility. The small town America it shows is the kind Hollywood excels at. Driving into town, Downey Jr spots a boy and his father loading fishing supplies onto their pick up. ‘Nothing changes,’ he hisses venomously, before getting all snarky about someone waving at him. I bet the Wi-Fi reception isn’t up to snuff either.

So I find The Judge guilty. Guilty of wasting talent. Three counts of using a folksy acoustic soundtrack, like an old Jack Daniels advert. Guilty of pretending to be the proper Oscar worthy movie for me that justifies the cash grab of Iron Man. And most guilty – and this is truly unforgivable – of a scene in which the main character recaptures his youth by riding a bicycle no-handed wearing a faded Metallica t-shirt.

Take them away.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The Avengers: Age of Ultron hit the internet and things went weird so the Studio Exec FACT SQUAD watched it 3 times and her are the 5 FACTS that they gleaned from the latest outing for the amazing and fantastic Avengers.

1. NoThundercats! Despite an article in this esteemed publication (click here fore that) it appears that the Thundercats might not be appearing in the new film, although it could simply be that the publicity machine wishes to keep Lion-o and Jaga in the pocket for a while longer. Allowing awesomeness to build.

2. Iron Man has got FAT! Tony Stark must have been putting away the pies and always asking for seconds because Iron Man looks seriously pudgy. This could be one of those hero-out-of-shape subplots like they did with Batman in the Dark Knight Rises. Or it might be a result of serious indulgence as it was for Chris Pratt following his Guardians of the Galaxy success (Click Here for more on that).

3. James Spader isn’t in it. Despite reports that James Spader would be playing Ultron, I couldn’t see him. So obviously Marvel have fired him and gone with some sort of computerized effigy that they don’t have to pay. Pity, as I like Spader.

4. Thor can’t hold onto his hammer (drops it) and Captain America can’t hold onto his shield (it’s broken) and Tony Stark has lost his sense of humor (possibly due to eating too much and having indigestion). That is to say, everyone’s getting old.

5. A city will be destroyed and people will stand around a traffic jammed road gaping at something in the middle and a bit up distance.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here.

KEVIN FEIGE ON MARVEL PHASE 3: ‘NO SUPERHEROES’

HOLLYWOOD – Following the successes of Captain America: Winter Soldier and The Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel revealed yesterday that Phase 3 of the plan to take over the Movie universe will lack one ingredient most audiences would have thought essential: superheroes.

Continue reading “KEVIN FEIGE ON MARVEL PHASE 3: ‘NO SUPERHEROES’”

IRON MAN OF REAL STEEL MAGNOLIAS

HOLLYWOOD – Robert Downey Jr. returns as everyone’s second favourite millionaire/superhero Iron Man, sadly reduced to organising boxing matches between robots in order to buy a kidney for Julia Roberts who has type 1 diabetes. 

However, Iron Man and his trusty sidekick Wolverine (played by Hugh Jackman) come up against the combined forces of Olympia Dukakis and Dolly Parton, who divide their time between arguing hilariously with Shirley MacLaine and training fighting robots in order to save their financially troubled beauty salon. 
Henry Cavill is on hand, basically to show his tits and worry about the fact he can fly. 

A witty social commentary on the corrosive effects of capitalism at its most feral and the true value of friendship. 

12 stars!