BEN KINGSLEY’S DOG FIGHTING SHAME

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner and Knight Bachelor of the British Empire Sir Ben Kingsley today admitted that he is  a dog fighting addict.

The Gandhi star, Ben Kingsley, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I know it is indefensible, but the rush of blood that I get when I see two canines, with razor sharp teeth, goaded by large men in black bomber jackets in a derelict industrial waste site in South East Wales, snarling and snapping and fighting to the death… I mean winning the Oscar for Gandhi was a high, but this is higher.

The Mandarin confessed that his love of dog fighting started while he was researching his role as foul mouthed gangster Don Logan in 2000’s Sexy Beast.

It was a way of entering into the mind of Don and the idiom that he inhabits. But once the film was made and I usually shrug off the character like an old coat, I found myself at the docks watching two pit bulls savage each other while I bayed like a frenzied animal myself.

Kingsley confessed that he had been seeking aid from an RSPCA group dedicated to helping Dog Fight Addicts to ween themselves off the habit. A spokesperson for the group said that ‘Sir Ben is a welcome member of the group and is sincere in his wish to do away with this horrific form of entertainment. He has also regaled us with many an amusing anecdote from the worlds of stage and screen.’

Love of dog fighting has also been a traditional trait of the ex-pats actors’ club the Jolly Bastards, who many blame for spreading riotous and immoral behavior among the finest thespians, including Charles Dance, Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. Kingsley was a member of the club for a couple of years in the early eighties but turned whistle-blower after Alan Rickman murdered a dolphin for a jape.

Sir Ben Kingsley will be seen in 2015 in The Jungle Book. 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. TO RETURN TO ACTING

HOLLYWOOD -While promoting his blockbusting new film Avengers: Age of Ultron, Robert Downey Jr. hinted at a press conference in Quebec that he might be returning to acting after a fifteen year absence.

‘I do miss it,’ Robert Rowney Jr. said. ‘And should the right script come along I might be persuaded, but I am making a lot of money just being me with different names.’

Continue reading “ROBERT DOWNEY JR. TO RETURN TO ACTING”

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 19. GWYNETH PALTROW

A glass of sand and a corner of damp cotton, served lukewarm. 

I meet Iron Man 3 star and cookie cookbook writer Gwyneth Paltrow at her London home. She answers the door with a cardboard box on her head. ‘Get it?’ she giggles at my no doubt baffled expression. ‘I’m in Seven! Ha ha ha!’


I laugh warmly and , some might say, too loudly.

We settled down in the back kitchen with the beautiful London rain light falling through the tall French windows and turning everything a beautiful shade of posthumous. She offers me a delicious bowl of damp cotton and a glass of freshly squeezed sand.

So Gwyneth tell me about Iron Man 3? Was it fun working with Robert Downey Jr.?

To tell you the truth, I really don’t want to answer any questions about my private life and how I’ve suffered, not exactly like Jesus Christ nailed to a cross, or little children blinded in Bhopal, or starving in the Sudan, but, you know, close.

Right. So Iron Man 3. When can we expect a stand alone Pepper Potts movie? 

I made it very clear to Shane [Black] that I didn’t want to just be tied up and rescued on this one. I wanted to be a protagonist. A strong female role model. And he said okay. How about we tie you up and have you be rescued in your underwear? It was at that point I knew I was in safe hands. As for the stand alone movie it’s the first I heard about it [was when I read your wonderful article in the fabulous Studio Exec]. (CLICK HERE for that story.)

You’ve come in for quite a bit of criticism…

Let me stop you right there. I know exactly what you are going to say. My diets are not crazy and my children, Kiwi Fruit and Elijah Bumpkins, are perfectly normal.  

I was going to say for not being a very good actress.

Oh … well, that’s fair I suppose. Can I top you up there?

Gwyneth’s husbands

I move to put my hand over the glass but Gwyneth has already refilled it with white sand. ‘I insist on white sand and not yellow sand because of Elijah’s allergies,’ she tells me. ‘People criticize me for being too strict but my children – like all children – still eat the occasional bowl of gold flake caviar.’

And so what’s next?

I’m in a new film about Pablo Picasso. And I’m probably going to have another cook book out soon. Oh, and I’m still married to Coldplay.

To Chris Martin from Coldplay?

Yeah he’s one of them. And there’s a small film I did about sex addiction also coming out. Thanks for Sharing is the title I think.

When I say good bye to Gwyneth, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about this complex and intelligent woman, but I did wish she had taken that box off and I couldn’t shake the impression  that her voice had been very manly.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.


ROBERT DOWNEY JR. TO RETURN TO ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – While promoting his blockbusting new film Iron Man 3, Robert Downey Jr. hinted at a press conference in Quebec that he might be returning to acting after a fifteen year absence.

‘I do miss it,’ he said. ‘And should the right script come along I might be persuaded, but I am making a lot of money just being me with different names.’

In a moment of almost embarrassing candor he continued:

Acting is actually quite hard work. You have to get a character and maybe even research him or at least think about him and then pretend to have these emotions and experiences and what not. With Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes, I’m just me and then we swap the names in post.

Downey Jr. cited Chaplin as the film when he last put in a proper performance. ‘Since then it has been free-wheeling fun,’ he laughed.

Downey Jr. reacted angrily however when one journalist – Xavier Poulis of the French cultural magazine Chapeau – asked him if he would apologize for his participation in Shaggy Dog, a Tim Allen ‘comedy’ which caused widespread offence in the Islamic world because ‘it was shit’. Downey snarled:

As an artist I would defend anyone’s right to express themselves freely, and I think as a kind of hack, I ought to have the same rights as an artist.

Iron Man 3 something something money money.

MARVEL GIVE UP FILM PRODUCTION

HOLLYWOOD – In a shock move that has brought cries of almost physical pain from the geek-i-verse, Marvel Studios have said that once they’ve released Thor: the Dark World ‘that’s your lot’.  

The sequels to The Avengers, Hulk and Captain America have already halted pre-production, or production and the film that had already been shot has been deleted and/or burnt.

Kevin Feige explaining Marvel’s decision tried to put a positive spin on it:

The fact is we’re kind of grown up adult men and we were walking around the production offices looking at all these drawings of people in costumes and all these scripts of inflated power fantasies, and we just thought Jesus Christ, I think it’s time we all grew up.

News comes only seconds after Disney said that they were abandoning plans to release any Star Wars pictures ‘because – really? – does the world need another Star Wars product? Really? I mean, are you shitting me.’

A psychiatrist who works seven days a week in the film industry, Dr. Habberon Stykes has argued that a problem of ‘franchise fatigue’ is striking down executives and producers at the highest level of the production process:

What we have is these often very intelligent men and women – who am I kidding? – men. Anyway. They get to be in their forties and they look back and they just see all they’ve been doing for their adult lives is exactly what they were doing as children, but much more expensively.

So what are the plans for Marvel Studios now? Kevin Feige said, ‘We’re currently working on a series of documentaries that are going to go into the corrosion of worker’s rights in America. We want to bring this out at Christmas where we’ll be going head to head with Disney’s new film The Syrian Civil War: Why You Should Care?

IRON MAN 3 TO GET CANADIAN VERSION

MONTREAL – Iron Man 3 will be released in three separate versions.

There will be the international release, a version that will only be released in China and now – Marvel have announced a Canadian version as well. Collectors will no doubt be examining each different version frame by frame to catch the alternate scenes, shots and dialogue. However, Studio Exec has managed to get a note from the studio detailing the changes that have been made for the Canadian version. Read the full note after the jump.

IRON MAN 3//// MEMO: 2 CANADIAN VERSION
Re: changes for Canada release. 
Circ. 23145633343.

  1. Change stars and stripes to maple leaf. (Digitally). See figure 1.
  2. Title change: from Iron Man 3 to Homme de Fer Trois.

  3. figure 1.
  4. Main villain actor should be Ben Affleck. Check availability. Digital face replacement should do the trick.
  5. Change Pepper Pot: to Poivrière
  6. Add dialogue: Poivère: ‘Who helped rescue the hostages from Iran?’ Homme de Fer: ‘Why it was Canada! Canada of course! Who  else?’  
  7. Have every line of dialogue repeated in French.
  8. Breakfast scene: Maple syrup on pancakes. 
  9. Replace Jon Favreau with everyone’s favourite Canadian: Jim Carrey.

   

IRON MAN ACTION FIGURES ‘IN POOR TASTE’

HOLLYWOOD -Iron Man 3 – due for release sometime in 2013 – is already kicking up a storm of controversy with the issuing of a set of action figures depicting the main characters of the Marvel film franchise starring Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, a black guy (Terrence Howard or Don Cheadle, whoever’s cheaper) and Gwyneth Paltrow as a woman.

Hasbro first displayed the figures earlier this year at Toy Fair, but a spokesperson for the company said they had been planned for some time.

However, an article in The New Left State Review has lambasted the tie-in product. Prof. Stem Reasurgh of the University of Colorado writes that the ‘exploitation of this period in our history for purely commercial gain is a national disgrace.’ He continues:

Tony Stark loses everything including his really nice house and HQ and he has to somehow come back from the depths in order to battle the wicked Mandarin. And remember this is a man who was kidnapped by terrorists in Somewhere-over-there-istan. He hasn’t even got a heart and yet he still fights to protect the world from Loki and stuff. And this man’s plight, his enormous sacrifices are trivialized by what is essentially a toy.

However, Hasbro has responded to the criticisms in a baffled press release:

We don’t understand why action figures for a comic book franchise should be controversial. After all, we’ve done figures for all the movies and no one has complained until now.

The criticism comes after similar controversies surrounding the merchandising of Argo and Django Unchained (for more on those stories CLICK HERE), leading to the question should all action figures and toy related merchandise be banned and the death penalty be used as a deterrent? What do you think? Please leave your brain droppings in the comment box below.

GWYNETH PALTROW’S NEW DIET CAUSES UPROAR

LONDON – Gwyneth Paltrow – long famous as the feminist icon who brings Robert Downey Junior his coffee in Iron Man and cooks Coldplay’s dinner – has caused outrage, furor, anger, and a series of online rants with the publication of her new diet The C-Plan.

 

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper

‘The diet is basically vegetarian,’ said Ms. Paltrow. ‘I’ve eliminated almost all meat and fish because of my concern about industrial scale farming and the depletion of fish stocks, as well as increasing health concerns. However, I despise the sentimentality which is sometimes associated with a vegetarian lifestyle and I don’t like nuts, so in order to replace protein I’ve opted to eat cats.’

Her book includes recipes for kitten risotto, pussikins parmigiana, moggie curry and Tom cat stir fry.  

I very much believe that one should not resort to buying cats specifically to eat. You should raise them yourself and butcher, skin and cure the meat yourself. Although I sometimes asj Chris to drown the smaller ones, something he enjoys doing. Kittens are particularly delicious as a snack, with a taste a little bit like rabbit. 

Peta and the RSPCA have reacted with fury at Ms. Paltrow’s new ideas. Spokesperson Philip Havelplot shouted down the phone:

I mean what does she do in those films. She just hangs around waiting to be put in jeopardy and then Downey Jr. comes and rescues her. She was such a promising actress, it’s depressing to see her settle for such insubstantial roles. Oh, and the cat thing’s just crazy.

A snack

What do you think of Paltrow’s pussy cat palaver? Should we eat cats? Will you buy the book? Feel free to comment in our comments section below, and vote in our 24 hour poll.  

DISNEY CONFIRM ‘BY 2017 EVERY FILM WILL EITHER BE STAR WARS OR SUPERHERO’

CALIFORNIA – Disney CEO Bob Iger today confirmed that by the year 2017 all films released in North America will ‘either be Star Wars films, or part of a superhero franchise, probably Marvel controlled’.

He said:

It is a part of our ongoing mission to not have our films contaminated by any original thinking. We sat down and we looked at Star Wars and Marvel and we just said, you know I think we have all the ideas we need. Any more would just be confusing.

The news came hot on the heels of the announcement that there would be two additional Star Wars films, directed by Lawrence Kasdan and Simon Kinberg, to go beside the projected Episodes 7 through to 9. Iger was fielding questions about the studios dominance of the blockbuster market by the studio which also owns Marvel Studios.

We have a Thor sequel, Captain America: Winter Soldier, a stand alone Hulk film in development, Ant Man, Avengers 2 … oh, and Iron Man 3. And that’s just the beginning. Then we’ve got the Star Wars films. I don’t see how there’s going to be room for anything more. Perhaps we’ll let PT Anderson release a film every so often, but other than that, I don’t see how they’ll be space.

Star Wars 7 will be released in 2014. 

NEW MARVEL POLICY: ‘WE WILL ONLY PRODUCE FILMS WITH A NUMBER IN TITLE’

NEW YORK – Marvel has announced that from now on they will only produce films which have a number in the title (or a colon), because they have ‘got tired of the demands of originality’ and it makes their collective ‘heads thobbing! Can’t THHINKKKK!’

Their current platform will not be affected at all. Iron Man 3 is due out next year, which will see Robert Downey Jr continuing his protracted break from acting. Everyone is eagerly anticipating Thor 2 or something. Captain America 2 is also planned along with The Avengers 2, or as it will be called in the UK The Avengers Reassemble.

Studio Exec asked Joey Sclerosis – head of innovation at Marvel – What happens if you come up with a new idea?


‘What? Like Hulk? or Black Widow? or Something like that? Sheesh, easy peasy. We just call it Hulk 3 or Black Widow 2 and then we do a prequel later called Black Widow 1.’


And Pepper Potts, the stand alone Gwyneth Paltrow film?


‘Are you high? That’s never going to happen. We just did that as part of her contract negotiation. That ain’t gonna happen.’


No?


‘BAM, no, THWOCK, you hear me? WALLOP!’


Erm…okay.