SEAN PENN INTERVIEWS STEVEN AVERY

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn fresh from his scoop in interviewing El Chapo for Rolling Stones, today sat down with Steven Avery, the convict at the center of Netflix’s hit serial Making a Murderer.

Sean Penn here. I know what you’re thinking. When am I gonna make a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High? When are you gonna resurrect Jeff Spicoli? Well, let me just tell you, there isn’t a day that goes by, not one minute that I don’t think about Spicoli and what he might be doing today. But today I’m off to interview another ‘criminal’. Yeah. I did El Chapo in Mexico and that was pretty Rad. I mean it was like Narcos, but you know in a different country. Now I’m after Steven Avery who I first knew about when I binged on Netflix’s Making a Murderer this Christmas. If you’re reading this I’m gonna assume you must have done the same. You must also have read the various controversies about the show, the rebuttals from the prosecutors and all that jazz so I’m not going to repeat all that. And obviously there are gonna be SPOILERS like I give a shit!

Steven Avery comes in and sits down. He looks exactly like he does on TV, well the later episodes, not like when he was a child or anything. He sits opposite me in the regulation prison garb that institutionalizes and dehumanizes too many Americans in our country and he smiles broadly.

‘So when are we gonna get a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High?’ he says.

‘Ha!’ I say, relaxing visibly (I imagine). He’s put me at my ease but at the same time I have a lot of questions for Steven Avery. ‘So do you really believe the cops framed you?’

‘Aloha Mr Hand!’

‘Yeah right. That’s a good line.’

‘Jeff Spicoli, man! I can’t believe I’m talking to Jeff Spicoli.’

‘That’s just a role in a movie. I’m more than that. I’m a journalist and a social activist. And I’m interested in your case because it seems to me that an injustice has been done and I would like to shed some light on it. So if you don’t mind can we get back to talking about your case and away from talking about Fast Times at Ridgemont High!’

‘Of course, Mr. Penn. I’m sorry. Sure. My case. For me the most important decision was not to allow what’s called third person liability to be used as part of my defense. This meant that…’

‘I mean Fast Times at Ridgemont High was years ago. It was my first film practically. And everyone goes on about it. What about Gangster Squad? What about Milk? What about Dead Man Walking which you should have some sympathy for?’

‘All good films I’m sure, but I’ve been in prison you see and…’

‘Mystic River, I am Sam, We’re No Angels with De Niro! De Niro! The Gunman and I’ve directed movies too.’

‘I’m sure they were…’

‘Into the Wild, for instance. Jeff Spicoli was years ago. And if it isn’t that, it’s you’re the guy who married Madonna! What’s Madonna like?’

‘You were married to Madonna?’

‘Of course I f*cking was! Where the f*ck have you been?’

And just as things got really interesting the guard came and told us our time was up. I’m still not sure whether Steven Avery is truly an innocent man, nor have I understood the complexity of his case in a way that is in any way deeper, but when we parted I could see in his relief that we had both gained something from this meeting. And I drove home feeling vindicated.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

@MYSTERYEXEC GOES MISSING: EMILE HIRSCHE QUESTIONED

HOLLYWOOD – The twitter account known to the world as @MysteryExec was taken down today and it is understood that Emile Hirsche will be questioned.

The star of such films as Into the Wild and Milk Emile Hirsche is not a suspect, a police spokesperson was eager to point out.

We don’t even know if there is a crime here. An anonymous twitter account has been taken down and it is believed the account holder was a studio exec of some description. However, Mr. Hirsche did plead guilty to assaulting a studio exec in another totally unrelated situation and so we thought it wise to eliminate him from our investigations.

So Emile Hirsche is now locked up somewhere?

No, he’s currently… hey where are you going?

The Studio Exec will be in an undisclosed location for the rest of the Summer.

EMILE HIRSCH TO CAGE FIGHT AMY PASCAL

HOLLYWOOD – Into the Wild star Emile Hirsch is starting a second career as a cage fighter, and his first opponent? None other than former Sony Exec Amy Pascal.

The news comes following Emile Hirsch’s recent alleged choke hold of an Exec during a party at the Sundance Film Festival. Fight promoter Joey Knuckles spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I was present at the party by pure chance and I saw Hirsch’s move. His technique was exemplary and I thought to myself this guy’s got something. I managed to corner him later and I pitched him the idea of a cage fight. Apparently his film career isn’t exactly flying so he almost took my arm off.

What about Amy Pascal? Why did she agree to the fight?

Amy called me. As soon as she heard I was looking for an opponent for Emile she began ringing me five or six times a day. It turns out a lot of execs feel their pride has been tarnished. I mean physical and verbal abuse? That’s their job. So Amy has been in training – she’s had a lot of spare time apparently – and she is very eager to get in the cage and ‘kick that little boy’s ass’, as she told me.

The fight has ignited old rivalries in Hollywood with the actors all siding with Hirsch and the executives crowding round Amy’s corner.

So who is the favorite?

Well, they’re fairly evenly matched but wioth very different fighting stylesEmile Hirsch is known for his nipping and Chinese burns, while Pascal during her time at Sony was nicknamed the kidney punch Queen.

The fight will be televised on HBO at 9 pm EST.