CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: “WARNER BROTHERS CAN SUCK MY INTERSTELLAR BALLS!”

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan unleashes on Warner Brothers following release changes.

Memento director Christopher Nolan today spoke for the first time about Warner Brothers and its 2021 release strategy. Arriving at the Studio Exec bungalow, Nolan was out of breath and emotional (we’re being polite: he was drunk). No sooner had he walked in – first backwards and then the right way as is his custom – he began a rant:

So, have you heard? Warner Brothers are dumping their entire 2021 slate on HBO Max.

Yes, we heard. 

It’s an absolute shit show in the fuck factory, if you get my meaning. I mean what the fuck is HBO Max anyway. Is it like a new form of Pepsi? Fucked if I know. They hate the poor cinema owners. Hate them. As it is they screw them out of all the money they can. You know why cinema owners sell you such garbage food, it’s because they can’t make any money on the tickets because the studios claw so much back. I’m not going to fucking stand for it. Those penny pushers and knob biscuits down at Warner will feel my slightly fey wrath.

You’re going to protest?

You betcha Exec. Right after this. I’m on my way now to see Mickey and Spike.

Who are Mickey and Spike?

Mickey and Spike Warner. The Warner Brothers you dolt!

Right. Yeah. Mickey and er…

And I’m going to tell them to suck my Interstellar balls. That’s it I’m through with them. Already they fucked up Tenet with their stupid suggestion of releasing it in Imax. I wanted everyone to watch it on their phones but oh no Spike was like … let’s get people back in the theaters. What an anal wart Spike is!

I thought you were a true believer in the cinema experience.

I am for some films. Dunkirk has to be the biggest screen, the same with Interstellar but Tenet looks amazing on an iPhone. And you can hear the dialogue better through airpods. Warners have always acted a bit cunty. Now I guess I’ll have to take my gig over the road to another studio. Perhaps Sammy Paramount might want to hook up, or Dorothy T. Universal has been after my peachy hieny for some time now. Fuck me, I’m arseholed. I think I’m going to be…

And with that the director of The Prestige lurched from the room, reeling.

Jenga The Movie is coming soon.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WON’T DIRECT JENGA

HOLLYWOOD – The next film by Christopher Nolan will not be Jenga, despite an announcement earlier this week.

It looks like Jenga won’t be the next film Christopher Nolan directs. ‘It’s very sad,’ says brother and screenwriter Jonathan. ‘Everything seemed to be in place. I was working on the script, the money looked good. Our sisters were going to do the soundtrack and Liam Neeson was on speed dial. But then we were adjusting one little piece – I think it was hiring the gaffer – and the whole thing came crashing down around our ears and onto the kitchen floor.’

It had seemed like the perfect fit for Nolan, whose interest in puzzles and mazes is now legendary.

‘It’s multi-layered with lots of different levels; like some kind of vertical jigsaw,’ Nolan stated when news of the project first broke.

A close source to the director said that he was in his room ‘weeping bitterly’ and refusing to come out.

Hasbro, who own the rights to the game, have hurriedly suggested any number of other possibilities but rival company Mattel is also offering Ker-Plunk! as a possible alternative. But Nolan is keeping quiet about what his next project might be. 

Buckaroo is in theaters.

IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec answers the age old question: is Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan the new Stanley Kubrick?

As part of a new series of short answers to long questions, the Studio Exec faces the poser is Christopher Nolan director of Memento, Inception, Interstellar, the Dark Knight trilogy and Dunkirk the new Stanley Kubrick? Continue reading “IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?”

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan discusses the future of cinema.

Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar 2 will be released in November.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 29. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – Dropping in on the Studio Exec’s EXCLUSIVE breakfast nook, master manipulator and filmmaker Christopher Nolan dished the dirt on his new movie project Dunkirk as he made intricate Escher constructions of his Belgian waffles.

Christopher Nolan is famous for his carefully constructed puzzle like movies from Memento to Interstellar, his Dark Knight trilogy to the dream espionage of Inception but sitting in our favorite Denny’s 5751 Sunset Blvd I see the child I knew all those years ago who I watched one Christmas complete a 750 piece jigsaw in less than thirty seconds. He was four at the time.

So Chris, you have just announced your new project. Dunkirk. What attracts you about this story?

Initially, we were locked to make the Jenga movie (Click Here for that story) but I’m sorry to say it fell through at the last minute.

Ha!

What?

Nothing.

So then I was looking around for another subject. I was attracted by the idea of doing something totally different. I’d done thriller, Science Fiction, Film Noir and comic book so I wanted to tackle something I’d never done before. At first I was working on a musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me with Jonathan [Nolan], but with Creed and Southpaw it occurred to me that there were too many boxing musicals around. So then we thought, I’ve never done a war film and the idea of Dunkirk came up in conversations.

The sounds great. Epic. 

What I like about it is that many celebrated moments in British history are about failures. The Titanic sinks, the charge of the Light Brigade was a dumb massacre, Scott loses the race to the South Pole and dies coming back, Mallory and Irvine die on Everest. Dunkirk is essentially heroic, but it is a heroic retreat. A heroic defeat perhaps.

I see. And it sounds like a more straightforward proposition as a narrative.

You would think it would be but actually the story Jonathan and I are working on might end up being strangely ambiguous. We posit the idea that this turning point in the Second World War might actually all have been an elaborate bluff by the Germans that went wrong.

Go on.

The high command of the Wehrmacht want the British to get to their boats but only so they could be destroyed. However, a crack unit of British dream commandos, led by Tom Hardy and tutored by Michael Caine, go into the sub-conscious of the German pilots and force them to think of the fleeing British as pretty flowers that are too beautiful to pick. The whole film is told backwards and there is also a great story that emerges that actually Adolf Hitler was working for the British but in the deepest imaginable cover.

That’s very controversial. 

He’s not the hero we want. He’s the hero we need.

But he killed millions.

Deep, deep cover.

Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk will be released in 2017. For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to  table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.

SCIENCE OF INTERSTELLAR EXPLAINED

HOLLYWOOD – The science of Interstellar has been researched by Kip Thorne, approved of by Neil deGrasse Tyson and baffled everyone else.

The Studio Exec FACT squad has watched the film (for our Interstellar review CLICK HERE) wearing white coats, ballpoint pens and Bunsen burners and we’ve worked it all out so here are the main FACTS explained.

1. Black Holes: A black hole or ‘Singularity’ is caused by a collapsed plot line which then becomes so powerful as to suck all credibility in and let no doubt escape because of the incredible crushing force of complexity and exposition.

2. Worm Holes: A worm hole is similar to a black hole but is caused by a giant space worm which eats space time and if it spreads unchecked would lead to the collapse of the entire universe.

3. Relativity: This misunderstood theory first conceived by Albert Einstein is at the core of Interstellar. If Matthew McConaughey travels through space at a speed which is close to the speed of light, then his children who remain at home – Jessica Chastain and Casey Affleck – experience time differently. If McConaughey were to return then he would only be interested in one of his children (usually the girl). Because they are relatives, the theory is called relativity.

4. Neil deGrasse Tyson: The new presenter of Cosmos is now considered the leading arbiter of cinematic value with any film touching on scientific matters. His condemnation of Gravity led to George Clooney personally handing back ticket prices to every punter. Conversely, Tyson approves of Interstellar, declaring on Twitter that ‘it actually happened. I was there.’

5. Artificial Intelligence: The theory that if you make a machine incredibly complex and get everyone to talk quietly so you can’t hear what they’re saying and then add a booming score it will become sentient and independently intelligent.

 For more on Interstellar CLICK HERE.

5 FILMS WHICH WOULD BE BETTER WITH A COMEDY GIRAFFE

HOLLYWOOD – How many times have you been watching a good film almost ruined by the absence of a comedy giraffe?

Hundreds? Thousands? Even millions! Well, the Studio Exec FACT squad has been out in force with pencils and pieces of paper and have created a list of five films which would have been improved somewhat by the simple addition of a comedy giraffe.

1. Interstellar: Sure the visuals were stunning. Yes the black holes in the plot were irritating. Of course Anne Hathaway could occasionally change expression. But what ultimately brought many viewers of Christopher Nolan’s IMAX spectacular down to earth with a bump was the complete absence of an African even toed ungulate mammal with a wise cracking sense of humor. Scenes of action and tension could have been leavened with the humor of seeing a giraffe floating around in zero gravity, perhaps repeating the catch phrase in a comedy Brooklyn accent, ‘How did I get here?’ That’d even make Matthew McConaughey smile.

2. Whiplash: Yes CK Simmons gives an Oscar worthy performance. Yes Miles Teller is fastly emerging as on of the most interesting acting talents of his generation. But why couldn’t this tale of an obsessive jazz musician student locked in a poisonous relationship with his sadistic perfectionist teacher have included a pet giraffe that the student would have to keep in his New York apartment, despite his landlord’s strict ‘No Pets’ policy? Don’t have an answer? Neither do we.

3. Lucy: Luc Besson’s stupid action film starring Scarlett Johansson as a drug’s courier who accidentally becomes God, would have been improved by almost anything else happening. Given that, why not a comedy giraffe, who in a piece of cunning meta-comedy mistakes ‘Lucy’ for Scarlett Johansson, the star of We Bought a Zoo?

4. Noah: This Russell Crowe vehicle had giraffes, but they were as glum as he was in this glum fantasy drivel derived from some book called ‘The Bible’. There was no joking about with them, no amusing slapstick with droppings and finally Darren Aronofsky really dropped the ball when he forget to make them speak!

5. Madagascar: Now, I know what you’re going to say. Surely there was a comedy giraffe in Madagascar, the DreamWorks animated movie that was a hit with all the family. It starred Ben Stiller and Chris Rock as Alex and Marty but Melman the ‘comedy giraffe’ was voiced by David Schwimmer, thus nullifying any of the comic potential. The whole venture will have to go down in the history books as a noble effort, ballsed up by the dull one from Friends.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here.

INTERSTELLAR: REVIEW

INTERSTELLAR – Rust Cole goes to Space!

The future is always the past and the past the future. Christopher Nolan portrays society’s collapse as something akin to the dust bowl days of the great depression. The schools are filled with the ignorant and the Tea Party have effectively won. Sure we still pay our taxes but the government has such has ceased to exist. Matthew McConaughey’s pilot turned farmer should have been a World War 2 fighting ace or a test pilot from the sixties, but now he’s been forced into rustic hell with nary a Kate Hudson in sight for light relief.

When he happens upon a program to seek out alternative accommodation for the human race, he becomes the ideal leader to take on the hero role. And off he goes! Well, not quite. Even if the mission is successful he knows he might be decades before he returns and his family, especially his young daughter Murphy does not want him to go, refusing to even bid him goodbye. Nolan is often criticized as a cerebral filmmaker, icy to the touch, but these scenes are heartfelt and effective and add an emotional layer to the space adventure.

And the outer space stuff is fantastic. The practical effects look wonderful and Nolan’s sense of scale is astonishing. This is can do sci-fi adventure where scientist and engineer heroes mull over fuel efficiency and say things like ‘well theoretically…’ but there’s also the drama in the details. Time is the enemy here as relativity begins to take a serious toll. It has the techno moxy of Arthur C. Clarke with the weird bendy stuff of Philip K. Dick.

Ann Hathaway, Casey Affleck and Jessica Chastain joined by Nolan’s dad Michael Caine make up a suitably stellar cast and Hans Zimmer goes all Koyanisqaatsi on perhaps his most effective soundtrack to date. I have to confess a weakness for Nolan. The Prestige is my favorite film of his but I’ve not seen one yet that I didn’t like. I even liked The Dark Knight Rises, which in some critical circles would cost you the tip of your best typing finger. Interstellar is entertaining intelligent space opera, which in time will stand as one of the classics of the genre.

 

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT INTERSTELLAR

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan’s new science fiction film Interstellar is about to hit our screens but what do we really know about the director’s epic IMAX vision?

The Studio Exec FACT teams is ready to boldly go where Stanley Kubrick has gone before and find out the FACTS about Interstellar!

1. Interstellar is an unofficial sequel to Matthew McConaughey’s 2008 action comedy Fool’s Gold. His character from that film Finn has changed his name to Cooper and has become less free wheeling and more melancholy.

2. Ann Hathaway sung a number of songs during her scenes including When You Wish Upon a Star and another heart-breaking rendition of I Dreamed a Dream, but the songs were cut out because according to screenwriter and brother Jonathan Nolan they ‘were in the wrong film’. Likewise the tiara she wore throughout the film had to be digitally removed in post.

3. A special law was passed in the Senate that will allow Christopher Nolan to stab anyone in the throat who is caught watching the film on their phone/tablet.

4. Although many have commented on the obvious influence of Stanley Kubrick to the look and thematic ambition of the film, Nolan has repeatedly cited Norman Tokar’s The Cat from Outer Space as his main inspiration for the tone of the film.

5. William Devane is in it.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here.

INTERSTELLAR: FIRST REACTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the first screenings of Christopher Nolan’s new science fiction epic Interstellar the first reactions from the internet are in and we have collected them.

Generally speaking the reaction from the celebrities who have seen the film have been overwhelmingly positive. For example, Gordon Ramsey tweeted ‘F*cking great f*cking science f*cking fiction film, Chris!’ and Fox News’ Doctor Manny tweeted ‘Interstellar cures cancer AND herpes’.

Here are some other responses gathered EXCLUSIVELY by the Studio Exec:

Christopher Nolan’s new film Interstellar was so good it made me want to JUMP!

Dave Lee Roth

WTF! Casey Affleck is in  this? When did that happen?

Ben Affleck

One of the funniest films I have ever seen. Nolan is a master.

Adam Sandler

Interstellar is a deeply religious film. Truly spiritual and Christopher Nolan must be applauded for actually spending so much time in space to make this.

Sarah Palin

Interstellar sh*ts on Gravity. From a height!

NASA

Matthew McConaughey is awful. Embarrassing really.

Woody Harrelson

I should have used more tuba.

Hans Zimmer

Good to see it done well and not have to think about Ghostbusters 3. Which will be out in 2016.

Dan Aykroyd

Okay Chris. I give up. You’ve got the job.

God

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar will be released in November.

MCCONAUGHEY: INTERSTELLAR RETURN TO FAILURE TO LAUNCH FORM

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan‘s Science Fiction epic Interstellar is not due to be seen for another eleven months, but one of its leads Matthew McConaughey has spoken for the first time about his performance and the tone of the film.

‘It’s a hilarious romp and I think people are going to be pleased to see me back doing what I do best,’ said the McConaugh-a-tron. ‘Playing a likeable hunk – not too bright – with a Texan drawl that is just dreamy.’

Leading McConaughassaince scholar Dr Dirt E. Beardsley spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

Mud, Killer Joe, Dallas Buyers Club, and the TV series True Detective, these were all interesting experiments, but what we want to see is Fool’s Gold, Sahara and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. That’s the real McConaugh-a-tron. Not this actor asshole. Lets get him back to leaning on Kate Hudson in posters. Am I right?

 The news comes as a relief to the universe which has been feeling out of balance of late, what with Inside Llewyn Davis missing out on the Oscar nominations and all.

 Interstellar will be released in December, 2014.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN DIRECTS THE WOMBLES MOVIE

LONDON – Fresh from the success of  Interstellar, Christopher Nolan is to write and direct The Wombles: Wombling into Darkness.

Based on a BBC children’s program from the 1970s, the film tells the story of a group of creatures known as the Wombles, who live in burrows under Wimbledon Common and collect the litter left by humans, recycling it for their own use. Casting is already well under way for this live action version, with Michael Caine to play Great Uncle Bulgaria, Christian Bale in the role of the engineer Tobermory and Gary Oldman will play the sleepy shirker Orinoco. The plot so far is very sketchy although Nolan has promised that the film will include a different take on the origin story of the Wombles and will be much grittier and more realistic.

Nolan told Studio Exec:

Caine
The Wombles are of our age, being the precursors to the Green movement. However, the environmental disasters we face – extreme weather, the melting of the ice caps, the iniquity of huge corporations – means that their solutions are basically inadequate. In the face of these pressures, Orinoco has become a drug addict and Great Uncle Bulgaria is beginning to use methods which have some similarities to the moral quandaries of the NSA.
Uncle Bulgaria

Eva Green is also in talks to play Miss Adelaide, the love interest. Although there is no confirmation as to who will direct the film, Zach Snyder is the current favourite. 

‘He does have the kind of restraint this piece needs,’ said an obviously confused Nolan.

The Wombles: Womble into Darkness is due to start filming in 2015.