MILEY CYRUS TO WRITE, DIRECT AND STAR IN CRIES AND WHISPERS REMAKE

MALIBU – Miley Cyrus – former child star and pop sensation Hannah Montana – is taking a further step to artistic maturity and critical acceptance by remaking the Ingmar Bergman classic of female suffering Cries and Whispers, which she will be writing and directing as well as appearing in.

The original is set in turn of the century Sweden and tells the stories of Karin (Ingrid Thulin) and Maria (Liv Ullman), two sisters coming to terms with the imminent death by cancer of their third sibling Agnes (Harriet Andersson). 
Miley Cyrus, speaking exclusively to Studio Exec, revealed that there are going to be some changes in the remake.

Obviously I want to keep the spirit of the original. A meditation on suffering and death, and specifically of how women address these deep philosophical questions. But it can’t be Sweden, so I changed that to Malibu and made it contemporary. 

And you’ll be playing the role of…?

Right. I’m Karin and Selena Gomez is going to be Maria and Vanessa Hudgens is going to be the gal dying of cancer. Though I’ll probably make it something else because cancer’s so the noughties if you know what I mean. Maybe she can get a head injury after a jet ski incident.  

What attracted you to the project?

Oh, the themes. Definitely the themes. And I’m a big Bergman fan. My pappy, got me into Bergman in a big way. I like Godard, and he said to me one day, “Girl, you gotta get some Bergman in you!” I watched the Virgin Spring and I never looked back.

Do you think people will take you more seriously?

I sure as hell hope so, though at the same time I don’t want to lose my fans, who’ve stood by me through thick and thin. So I won’t just be  slavishly copying Bergman. I’m going to do a lighter Miley version of the film. So everyone can enjoy it. For example the title is a bit miserable so I’ve come up with a version I think the master would be proud of.

Shits and Giggles will be released in 2022. 

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS REHAB

 HOLLYWOOD – Survivor from the Golden Age of Hollywood, Sir Edwin Fluffer, reflects on the going to what insiders refer to as ‘the rubber arse’, AKA rehab.

After the wrap party for Apache Chaps Go Hell For Leather the judge made it a condition of my bail that I go to one of those drying out clinics for an extended lie down. To be perfectly frank one wasn’t looking forward to it all that much, but as soon as the studio said they’d pick up the bill I grabbed my toothbrush and headed out the door.

If truth be told I was still a bit pissed when I got there, largely due to the fact that I bumped into Errol Flynn on the way, but they checked me in and showed me to my room. It wasn’t unpleasant, and the flowers on the mantelpiece were a nice touch. They died as soon as I drank the water in the vase, but the receptionist said she’d send up more.
I’d describe the catering as ‘nutritional’ if you know what I mean, and the wine list was frankly appalling.  After a few minutes I decided there was only so much fun you could have on your own with a toothbrush, so I went out into the corridor to knock on a few doors and see what the other guests were up to. Not much as it turns out. Jiminy Cricket had done nothing since Pinocchio, and Bambi’s mum hadn’t worked in two years. I didn’t even recognise Dumbo The Flying Elephant. His boyish charm had been worn away by years propping up a bar on Hollywood Boulevard. He’d lost his teeth and tried to retain some dignity by wearing a pair of fake tusks; it was tragic really.
But it was the Tin Man I felt most sorry for. Apparently his oil can was always full of scotch, and they’d had to break his fingers to get it out of his hand. By that stage I couldn’t take any more. The bars on the windows wouldn’t budge an inch, but then I remembered that lovely scene which was sadly cut from the final edit of Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal, and I managed to smuggle myself out in a laundry basket.
I still think that that movie would’ve got the critical attention it deserved if they only kept the scene of me and Death playing Twister. But that’s another story…

For more Fluffer please be so good as to CLICK HERE.

MADS MIKKELSEN AND CLINT EASTWOOD SIGN UP FOR IKEA: THE MOTION PICTURE

STOCKHOLM – Following a long drawn out pre-production period, Ikea: the Motion Picture will finally start filming in March.

The film plots the rise of the Swedish home furnishings giant with Mads Mikkelsen starring as Ingvard Kamprad, the founder who gave his initials to the company name. Clint Eastwood will play his father, a mystical figure who has a special relationship to the furniture.

‘To my father,’ Ingvard wrote in his autobiography Flatpack. ‘A chair was not just a chair, it was a person. If anyone sat on the chair my father would have a fit. Literally a fit. Foaming at the mouth and everything.’

Originally, it was a pet project of Ingmar Bergman, but having written and rewritten the script he abandoned it. ‘It would seem to be working but then I would get home and there would something missing,’ wrote Bergman in his biography The Eighth Seal and Counting.

Clint’s best friend

From Bergman it moved to famed Italian director, Sergio Leone, but Leone was offered the chance of making Once Upon a Time in America and so passed on the project. It was rumored that Kubrick had plans to take the project forward – declaring it ‘sublimely boring’ – plans which were tragically cut short by his death.

Finally Steven Soderbergh has agreed to film it because ‘I have nothing to do this Wednesday.’

Ikea: the Motion Picture will be released in 2015.

ADAM SANDLER TO STAR IN THE SEVENTH SEAL 2

 NEW YORK– Actor and philanthropist Adam Sandler has confirmed he is to star in a sequel to Ingmar Bergman’s celebrated classic The Seventh Seal.

Produced by Sandler’s own production company Happy Madison and directed by frequent collaborator Dennis Dugan, critics are already claiming this marriage of Sandler and Bergman is a tragedy waiting to happen:

 
“All the signs are bad,” said respected film writer and historian Leonard Maltin.

Since the film was announced a plague of locusts has laid siege to New York City and it’s been raining blood for the last three days. It turns out by making a sequel to The Seventh Seal, Sandler has inadvertently opened the actual Seventh Seal. The bible famously does not reveal in any detail what will happen when the seal is broken but judging by the sight of a sword wielding Angel of Death currently tapping on my window, I’m guessing it doesn’t involve free pizza.

All corners of the earth are reporting incidents of the dead rising from the grave but on one burial plot in Faro, Sweden, other strangeness is afoot:
 
“Last night all the dead people just got up and walked out of here without so much as a goodbye,” said cemetery worker Dolph Bjornstrand.

All except Mr Bergman. His body is still in his grave but it just keeps rolling over and over and over again. It’s kinda weird, ya?

The Seventh Seal 2 is due for release in 2015.

PLAY THE INGMAR BERGMAN DRINKING GAME

STOCKHOLM – A new game is sweeping the universe and causing misery and sclerosis wherever you look. It’s the Ingmar Bergman Drinking Game.

Don your beret and PLAY NOW:

  1. Start with The Seventh Seal and every time a character is racked with doubt about the goodness of the universe, drink 1 Diamond White. Anyone who can give a rational defence for a belief in a good God – wins the round.
  2. Quick. Put on The Virgin Spring and and have a pint of Guinness whenever you spot someone guilty of rape, murder or faithlessness. Now the party is started. The round is won by anyone who can learn Swedish, (without any prior knowledge) during the course of the film.
  3. Fanny and Alexander. Now the ball is really rolling, and this four or five hour family saga will give you plenty of opportunity to empty the wine cellar. Last person to still be able to read the subtitles wins the round.  
  4. Time to slow the party down with Cries and Whispers, a meditation on mortality and suffering that goes well with vodka and fish cakes. The player most disgusted with the moral hypocrisy of the bourgeoisie (and who can still say bourgeoisie without spitting) wins.  
  5. Finally, Autumn Sonata. As the fading beauty of Ingrid Bergman bickers with her daughter, drink a glass of absinthe with every argument. At the end of the film, whoever can remember that Ingmar Bergman and Ingrid Bergman are two people – wins the round.