THE HATEFUL EIGHT – REVIEW

THE HATEFUL EIGHT – REVIEW: Quentin Tarantino’s second Western is a bloody locked room mystery of a wide screen claustrophobia and unbridled suspicion and violence.

John Ruth (Kurt Russell at his most John Wayne-y) is a bounty hunter nicknamed the Hangman, because instead of shooting his targets and bringing them to town over a saddle insists on seeing them hang. Escorting notorious female felon, Daisy Domergue (Jennifer Jason Leigh) to the gallows he meets Major Marquis Warren (Samuel L. Jackson), a former soldier turned bounty hunter who has his own bodies to bring to market. Along the way they also meet Chris Mannix (Walton Goggins), a Confederate bushwhacker turned Red Rock sheriff. Why all these characters happen upon one another while running ahead of a potentially deadly blizzard is never fully explained and the mystery gets even deeper when they arrive at the dubious refuge of Minnie’s Haberdashery where they meet up with cowboy, Michael Madsen, Englishman, Tim Roth, Southern General, Bruce Dern and Mexican Bob, Demian Bechir. Minnie, sweet Dave and the other regulars of the place are missing and something is obviously afoot.

What follows is bloody and witty, long-winded, frustrating, violent (obviously) and both overwhelming and underwhelming at exactly the same time. The premise is much more modest than the epic treatment it is given. The Hateful Eight feels like an Agatha Christie inspired bottle episode of Bonanza written by Sam Peckinpah, but why it has to be three hours long  and shot in 70 mm is beyond me. There are performances to relish from the veterans of the cast – and it is a blessed relief to not have to put up with the supposedly brilliant Christoph Waltz any longer. Ennio Morricone’s score is worth the price of admission alone. The opening scenes of the snowy Wyoming landscapes are gorgeous but like many mysteries the initial intrigue leaks out with each ho-hum revelation. Of plot holes there are several and Bob and Harvey Weinstein might do well to employ a tough no nonsense script editor on the final two Tarantino productions.   All of that said, The Hateful Eight is a better film than Django Unchained and Inglourious Bastereds, though it doesn’t reach the early peaks of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs.

 

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QUENTIN TARANTINO TO FILM BONANZA

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has announced his next film will be a ‘re-imagining/rip off’ based on the popular TV show Bonanza.

Speaking last night EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Reservoir Dogs director Quentin Tarantino had this to say:
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MY FAVORITE FILM: BEN CARSON

WASHINGTON – Hi Everyone! Ben Carson here. Doctor, Presidential candidate for the GOP and, for one day only, film critic!

My Favorite Film has to be Quentin Tarantino’s superb Second World War film Inglourious Basterds! Why do I like it? Well set a while and I’ll tell you.

In a word: realism! Sure Saving Private Ryan has a visceral quality in its opening twenty minutes or so. And Terrence Malick’s The Thin Red Line has a philosophical weight, bolstered as it is by a Rousssean appreciation of the natural universe. But Tarantino is the only one who really strips away the myths of the Second World War and actually shows you what happened. For reals. So here we see how a crack squad of Jews, armed to the teeth with GUNS, snuck into Nazi occupied France sewed terror in the hearts of the Wehrmacht before finally assassinating Hitler in a Parisian Cinema as the Führer sat there thinking he was all that.

Of course it wasn’t all plain sailing. The dumb ass Brit almost f*cks it up for everyone by ordering the drinks wrong with his stupid British fingers, but the good old US of A manages to rescue the day.

One can’t help but wonder if only the Europeans had owned firearms freely before the Nazis took power then all this awfulness would never have happened. A few dead college students, school children and what not are a small price to pay for the freedoms we win when we own assault weapons privately.

The other bonus of this film is seeing Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt acting together. They’re great. I knew them when they had a comedy double act outside of Poughkeepsie called the Rambling Rogers. Boy were they funny. And little Eli Roth, riddling Hitler and Goebbels with bullets! It just goes to show torture porn has its uses. If only the same could be said for Planned Parenthood. Ha ha! But of course I’m joking.

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5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MICHAEL FASSBENDER

HOLLYWOOD – He is one of the most exciting actors around, appearing in Slow West, Assassin’s Creed and a new version of Macbeth, but what do we really know about Michael Fassbender?

The Michael Fassbender FACT squad parachuted behind enemy lines last night, to get FACTS! Here they are:

1. Michael Fassbender has a large penis.

2. Michael Fassbender’s penis is half Irish and half German, a fact which led to Quentin Tarantino casting him in Inglourious Basterds.

3. The many failings of Prometheus could not be blamed on Michael Fassbender’s penis, which was the best thing in it.

4. Michael Fassbender’s penis is due to perform a one man show off Broadway. Details are unconfirmed but it is mainly believed to be stand up.

5. Michael Fassbender’s penis is attached to a versatile and talented actor who has been brilliant in Hunger, Shame and 12 Years a Slave as well as some films not directed by Steve McQueen, like X-Men: First Class and Frank.

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GERMANY BANS INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

HOLLYWOOD – News came in last night that Germany have banned Quentin Tarantino’s 2009 war film Inglourious Basterds citing ‘numerous historical inaccuracies’.

The move is only the latest following a spree of banning across the world including the banning of The Interview in North Korea because of offensiveness, Exodus: Gods and Kings in Egypt and Morocco because of historical and political inaccuracies and the censoring of Pompeii in Italy ‘because it’s crap.’

A spokesperson for the German Federal Ministry for Education, Arts and Culture explained the Verboten decision to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Tarantino’s film is inaccurate on many different grounds. From the career of famed film director Leni Riefenstahl to the way Jews were rounded up in German occupied France. However, the climax of the film [SPOILER ALERT] is particularly wide of the mark. The director of Hostel at no point during the course of the Second World War assassinated Hitler and Goebbels. He hadn’t even been born when Hitler died.

But there’s artistic license, surely? Tarantino isn’t suggesting that the director of Hostel really killed Hitler so much as he wanted to.

No. That’s not good enough. It didn’t happen. It is plainly wrong. And false. And not true.

But why now? The film was released in 2009.

Yes, well we didn’t think you could ban films for being inaccurate, but then Egypt did it and we thought okay, why not? Herr Tarantino’s film has been particularly irksome to us for some time and confusing. Look at Downfall. Now there’s a film about Hitler. Except of course that Bruno Ganz who plays Hitler is Swiss, which is to be precise inaccurate.

Quentin Tarantino was unavailable to comment at the time of publication, but the Hateful 8 will be out soon.

HARVEY WEINSTEIN TO PRODUCE GUN FREE TARANTINO BACK CATALOG

NEW YORK – Harvey Weinstein is to produce a deluxe edition of the works of Quentin Tarantino with all the gun violence and glamorization of violence digitally removed. ‘We’re also going to ADR some explanatory dialogue so that it won’t be so glaring,’ Weinstein said. 

The move follows an interview with Piers Morgan in which – in promoting his film about gun violence –  Weinstein admitted his own complicity and declared that he would no longer be involved with films glamorizing this kind of behaviour:

It’s not like I can just come out with these statements and not back it up with action even at the risk of losing money and damaging my creative relationships. So I’m going to bring out this DVD box set of gunless Yoko Ono style Tarantino. 

Although the versions are not yet commercially available, Weinstein has given a few examples of the changes we can expect. 

  • In Reservoir Dogs, rather than have his ear cut off with a razor, the police man will have his feet tickled with a large feather and Mr. Blonde will only stop when Mr Orange issues some strongly worded criticism.     
  • Pulp Fiction will see Marvin accidentally sprayed with spittle and Kahuna burger when Vincent Vega speaks with his mouthful in the car.
  • Kill Bill will be renamed Bill Gets A Damned Good Talking To. 
  • The finale of Inglourious Basterds will be drastically changed, with Hitler and his Nazi cohorts being ignored in the cinema by the Basterds and in that way made to feel foolish and so desisting with their horrible crimes. 
  • Django Unchained will be cut almost entirely and replaced with 12 Years a Slave.

So how will this affect future releases from Harvey Weinstein? 

Ah, I don’t know. I mean Quentin has something in the works now, but by the time that’s ready for release The Senator’s Wife will have been made and be out, so you know, we should be good to go with the guns again.  

The Quentin Tarantino Peace Out Box Set is due for sale in 2014. 

TARANTINO DELIVERS MAHATMA GANDHI, KILL KILL KILL!!!

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino promised late last year that he would be completing a trilogy of period films – which began with Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained – with a new entry and now he has come good on that promise, delivering to the Weinstien company a script that is a radical re-imagining of Sir Richard Attenborough’s 1982 Oscar winner Gandhi provisionally entitled Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!

The script – which leaked onto the internet within seconds of its completion – sees the bald Indian pacifist confronting the British Imperial authorities with nothing but indomitable will, gentle wisdom and a Gatling gun he drags around in a coffin.

Tarantino spoke to Studio Exec exclusively:

The original film is okay, but it’s the kind of prestigious epic that feels a need to always protect the audience from hard truths. So there’s hardly any violence in it at all. I see Gandhi standing up to the authorities with this kind of quiet dignity and taking all these blows and what not, and I’m just thinking, I bet you could kick their asses. I’d like to see that. 

But isn’t that historically inacc…

Ha hahahhahahahhahahahahahahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA. Ha. (Sighs) Next question.

 What story…?

Good question. At the beginning, we find Gandhi in South Africa where he’s almost beaten to death by Daniel Day-Lewis, but when a killer called the clergy man Christoph Waltz rescues him they both go on a rampage, destroying Apartheid. That done they head over to India and wreak bloody havoc there as well. Kick British asses and create a country before a Wild Bunch like finale. You see the thing is the Attenborough film was like PASSIVE resistance, and I’m more passive RESISTANCE. You dig? 

Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!! is due to start filming in the Summer.  

TARANTINO PLANS TRILOGY

I’ll dance for you

LONDON – After Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino admitted to British music comic NME that his alternative history films require a conclusion. ‘A third film closing the trilogy would definitely be a good thing,’ everyone’s favourite dancing monkey said. ‘I’ve solved the Holocaust, won the Second World War and I’ve done the same now with slavery. Next up I want to solve climate change.’

The idea came after conversations with Leonardo diCaprio, who is committed to the environment and spends much of his spare time looking at it and checking that it’s okay. Tarantino has already drafted a treatment and sharpened his most colourful pencils:

The story is going to be genre peice. I’ve done Kung Fu, I’ve done War and now I’ve reinvented the Western. So for my environmental film, I’m going to make a monster movie. There are these dolphins and like BP are trying to kill them because they keep you know fucking up the oil spills that BP are doing on purpose. But they get strangely changed by the nuclear weapons that the North Koreans are testing. And so they come back and they fuck up the people. And there are dancing monkeys as well. 

What history would you like to see revised by Quentin Tarantino? Feel free to post comments or get intouch via Twitter or Facebook.
   

BRITISH JOURNALIST ACCUSES QUENTIN TARANTINO’S FILMS OF BEING “VIOLENT”

LONDON – A British television interview has revealed that the films of auteur director Quentin Tarantino are in fact – as some have long contended – violent. The horror and virulent disgust sent bile waves through the film community and saw trusted moral arbiter Reese Witherspoon declaring from now on the name of Quentin Tarantino would be struck from the record of all film chat and talk.


Kurt Russell – a one time collaborator – shook his head sadly:

As one who defended Quentin time and again, I have to now hold my hand up and say, in the face of this overwhelming evidence, Quentin must be declared a pariah and forced to walk the earth like Kane from Kung Fu. If he appears on my property though, I’m afraid I’m going to have to shoot the violent son of a bitch.

The interview – which seems to have taken place in what the British call a ‘hotel’ – was conducted by an important news journalist, who repeatedly accused Tarantino of making violent films. Mantle Harmony – spokesperson for QTBS a watchdog body devoted to pissing off the Reservoir Dogs director – said:

Though I am grateful to Krishnan Guru-Murthy for having cornered Tarantino so effectively with his shock revelations, I have contended for years that Tarantino’s films contain occasional scenes of violence. Reservoir Dogs has multiple shooting and an ear amputation, Kill Bill is called kill Bill and in Inglourious Basterds an innocent man with a neat moustache is machine gunned in a horrific way.

 Krishnan Guru-Murthy is well known in England for his fearless exposés of nepotism in the British Royal family, the use of violence on battlefields and the dangerous presence of potatoes in packets of what the British call ‘potatoes’.

Please vote in our very first poll, ever and you decide whether they are violent or not, over there on the right. My right.