INDIANA JONES 5 TITLE REVEALED

BREAKING NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal the name of the Indiana Jones 5 title. 

The Indiana Jones 5 title, in light of recent events, has been changed. The Indiana Jones 5 title will be ‘Injuryana Jones And The Curse Of The Brittle Shoulder’.

Throw Me The Idol, I Give You The Aspirin

After reports broke (pun intended) that Harrison Ford has yet again injured himself while rehearsing a fight scene on the set of the latest Indy film, James Mangold decided to change the name of the film. The Exec caught up with writer / director Mangold who had this to say.

Indiana Jones And The Faulty Hearing Aid

“We were rehearsing a fight scene and I said to Harrison, ‘Ok, let’s try it from there.’ Meaning to try it from that part of the scene. Harrison’s hearing aint what it used to be, bless him. He thought I said ‘Ok, dive off of that chair.’ So the crazy bastard stood on a chain and threw himself off. He landed in a heap and that was that.”

Indiana Jones And The Hasty Rewrites

“He wanted to fly himself to the hospital and just kept saying ‘Trust me.’ But I wasn’t falling for that shit. We carted him away and I got to rewriting the film. It now takes place in a Sports Injury Clinic. That way, when he injures himself again (let’s face it) we can whisk him off to ultra-sound treatment, lickety-splick.

Indy / Unbreakable Crossover

Mangold went on to say, “We’ve been in touch M Night Shyamalan’s people about the possibility of doing an Indiana Jones and Mr Glass crossover film or TV series for Netflix. It’ll just be hours of them pointing at each other shouting ‘CAREFUL NOW’ and ‘MIND THAT CORNER’. It’ll be wild.”

 

More on this as it / he breaks.

DISNEY BUY GOD

HOLLYWOOD – Disney buy God.

Disney have acquired the rights for God, clinched in a late night deal signed in the Vatican for an undisclosed figure.

A Disney spokesperson said that the company were ‘very sensitive to how many fans of God feel. We are both proud and honored to be in a position to promote God in his next few manifestations.’

Although expected for some time, the speed of the deal still came as a surprise. Some believed that Mel Gibson‘s company Icon were also in talks to sign an exclusive contract. Show Business watcher and resident God botherer Jim Caviezel expressed the concerns of many God fans:

Disney came for Pixar and I was silent. Then Disney came for Star Wars and I didn’t speak out. They came for Indiana Jones, I held my peace. But now they have come for God… It is time that all like-minded folk stand up to the house of the mouse and say enough is enough. 

Pope Francis is understood to have been personally involved in broaching the deal and Vatican insiders say that his love of Mary Poppins ‘was not incidental to the decision making process.’ The deal gives Disney exclusive rights over the Catholic God, but the Muslim, Jewish and Protestant Gods are still up for grabs, though it is likely that the Disney acquisition will bring about a bidding war. Caviezel went on to say ‘You only have to look at what happened to the Hindus. Bollywood bought their Gods about five years ago and now they’ve been commercially exploited to death so no one believes in them any more.’

God’s next film The Resurrection will be released in 2022.  

JASON STATHAM IS PHIL COLLINS IN THINK TWICE

HOLLYWOOD – Jason Statham to play Phil Collins in a new biopic.

The British hard man, martial artist and multi-linguist (Cockney and Merican) Jason Statham is not only lined up to play Indiana Jones in a forthcoming adventure (for more on that CLICK HERE) but has just landed the role of prog-rock drummer turned soulster Phil Collins in the biopic Think Twice. 

The long-awaited biopic, directed by Harold Ramis, will chart the rise and rise of the drummer of Genesis. It will follow his solo career that brought us such hits as ‘In the Air Tonight’ and ‘Sussudio’. The film will also explore Collins’ movie career, best remembered for Buster. Collins said that he was delighted to be the subject of a film although, he remarked, ‘it isn’t as if my life has really been so extraordinary.’

Director Ramis agreed:

It isn’t like we have much to go on from an interest point of view. So we’re just going to make up some shit. We’re going to have Phil foiling an attempt to assassinate the Queen. Oh, and – during the recording of ‘Invisible Touch’ -he’ll have to restart his own heart a couple of times using a car battery. That was Jason’s suggestion.

Asked about the role he is to play, Statham looked nonplussed.

I’m not really sure about it, but my agent says it would be good to get out of this action rut and go for an Oscar like Whacky Phoenix did with Walk the Line. As for the music Phil has made, most of it has been absolute gash and the rest carries the stench of mediocrity. Especially that voice. Jesus Christ. It makes me want to vomit.

Given his star’s antipathy, why did Ramis cast Jason Statham in the role?

The hair. Or the lack thereof. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cough. Cough.

Think Twice opens sometime in 2022.

HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.

One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.

Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.

Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.

The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

GEORGE LUCAS ANNOUNCES TOMB RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – Lara Croft and Indiana Jones meet in a Tomb Raider movie to come.

Today George Lucas confirmed that Lara Croft and Indiana Jones will meet in a new Tomb Raider film, following the debut of Alicia Vikander in the role of the video game hero. Lucas spoke excitedly with the Studio Exec, spraying bits of Pringles everywhere.

Alicia is just amazing and Harrison is getting on. So the idea is we have them team up. Harrison does the cerebral stuff and Alicia kicks ass and gets into scrapes.

How does Steven Spielberg feel about this?

I’m going to be taking the chair for this one.

You’re directing it?

Yes. I don’t want to. I want to do small art films. But I can hear all the people after Force Awakens and Last Jedi shouting from behind the fence: ‘Come back George! Show these bozos how it’s done!’

What’s the story?

Indiana Jones finds out that the Ark of the Covenant has been stolen and he is the only one who can get it back. But – importantly – he has a bad back. And that’s where Lara comes in. She has some daddy issues, so she takes to Indy straight away.

This sounds..

Great! I know.

Tomb Raiders of the Lost Ark is filming right now.

STEVEN F*CKING SPIELBERG IS ACTUALLY GOING TO F*CKING MAKE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg is going to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump is President of the United States. Britain is Brexiting. The ice caps are making. And Steven Spielberg is actually making Indiana f*cking Jones 5.

The news was welcomed by accountants the world over and some tape worms were felt to writhe in anticipation. Shia LaBeouf has gone into hiding and a trail of blue M&Ms was found marking a path from Harrison Ford’s house to an extremely rickety World War One bi-plane.

When asked about the project Spielberg told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The film will be set in the present day Indiana Jones is now extremely old. We’re talking Guy Pearce here. He is called on to go to Charlottesville to pull down some ancient statues. Only here he will find his old nemesis. The Nazis.

Indiana Jones and the Alt Right will be released in 2020.

SHIA LABEOUF SUFFERING FROM THE CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf claims Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull almost destroyed his entire life.

Noted actor and performance artist Shia LaBeouf has spoken for the first time about the so-called ‘curse of the Crystal Skull’. Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the Transformers star had this to say:

I was so excited about appearing in an Indiana Jones movie I can’t tell you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn into such a nightmare. From the day after we wrapped things went wrong. I began to appear at premieres with a bag over my head. Shouted in theatres. I started drinking. Even appeared in a Lars Von Trier film for crying out loud. At my lowest I sat on my own in a cinema and watched all the films I had been in. I can’t tell you how that was.

Other stars have complained of the effects of the movie. First, Harrison Ford crashed his plane and lost all his hair and then Cate Blanchett appeared in The Hobbit. Even producer George Lucas accidentally sold Star Wars to Disney following the film.

LaBeouf says:

The only person who got away with it was Spielberg. He’s as happy as he ever was.

Indiana Jones and the Trump Presidency will be released in 2018.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK MONKEY DIES

HOLLYWOOD – 2016 claims another victim as esteemed monkey actor famous for Raiders of the Lost Ark dies.

The film world is in mourning today as news came in that George Applethwaite, the monkey actor  most famous for his role in the Indiana Jones adventure Raiders of the Lost Ark has died.

Tributes flooded in from all over the world. Harrison Ford described Applethwaite as ‘a formative influence on my acting style and a great personal friend’ and Andy Serkis hailed the late actor as ‘a pioneer for all of us monkey actors, we all stand on the shoulders of Applethwaite’.

The body of Applethwaite was discovered at his Malibu beach house by a cleaner and although the coroner has not declared the cause of death speculation is rife that he took his own life. Applethwaite shot to fame as the turncoat monkey who betrays Indiana Jones to the Nazis in the first film of the blockbuster franchise. Ironically, Applethwaite was famous for his radical left wing views which sat uncomfortably with the money and fame he garnered with his acting. Protegé Serkis remembered his guru:

George always told me that in another life he would have prefered to have been a writer, someone who could really influence the world. But he was cursed with this gift of acting and once he achieved success there was no stopping him.

Applethwaite followed up his work with Spielberg with Oscar nominated turns as the Austrian Emperor in Amadeus and in the role of the sadistic sergeant in Oliver Stone’s Platoon and a long productive collaboration with Philip Glass. However, in recent years Applethwaite’s career had stalled and a series of scandals involving IRS investigations had led the star into depression and alcohol abuse.

Perhaps the most moving tribute to Applethwaite was paid by John Rhys-Davies, the actor who played Sallah in Raiders, who tweeted two words which said it all:

‘Bad dates’.

For more news about movies, CLICK HERE.

 

HARRISON FORD’S EARRING WRITES TELL ALL MEMOIR

HOLLYWOOD – Han Solo and Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford is facing potential scandal as it was revealed that his earring is writing a scandal crammed memoir about his life with the star.

Harrison Ford’s earring has written a memoir of his life with the star and the Studio Exec has got EXCLUSIVE permission to publish the extracts here.

From Chapter One.

It was an ordinary day in Claire’s Accessories on Lexington Avenue. I’d been poked by a couple of Japanese tourists and discarded by a teenager who – by the ordure from his digits – had just been eating a taco. The other rings and I were gossiping about Tavora, the assistant, when who should walk in but Han Solo and his wife Melissa Mathison. Tavora reads gossip magazines out loud so we recognized the hunk from Force Ten from Navarone immediately. ‘Are you sure about this?’ Melissa asked. ‘Sure,’ Harrison said and without even looking he pointed to me and said ‘That one.’ The piercing was over in a jiffy and Harrison didn’t cry or yelp even. He actually sounded disappointed when he said it didn’t hurt.

From Chapter Six.

The divorce was difficult for all of us. I liked Clarissa, I really did and I do. But you have to understand the position I was in. I mean Harrison never took me out. I heard all the sweet nothings, the moans, the passion and late at night in the bathroom the weeping, the pain and regrets. It was a hard time for all of us. And it was our about then that the fungus infection started. Was it related to stress? I’m no doctor. I’m an item of jewelry, to paraphrase DeForest Kelley.

From Chapter Nine.

Daniel Craig was there and Jon Favreau. The’d been talking for over an hour and I got the feeling Harrison was uncertain to say the least. As was customary, he called time and went to take a leak. In the bathroom, he rubbed me gently. ‘Well, what do you say old Pal?’ he asked. ‘Shall we do it?’ I had been a lucky charm for him and now Harrison was asking me career advice. I told him straight. ‘The title stinks, the plot is uncertain and the characters aren’t well defined,’ I told him. He was angry. I could tell he wanted to do it. He reached up and began to take me out. ‘Noooooooooooooo,’ I shouted, but no one could hear my tiny golden voice.

From Chapter Eleven.

Of course there was no way of knowing how Jimmy Fallon would react and Harrison was a little nervous of doing the whole bit. Live TV is a different ball game but I whispered in his ear: ‘Make sure it hurts!’ And I heard an appreciative chuckle from the pilot of the Millennium Falcon.

Lobe Runner: Tales from Harrison Ford’s Left Ear by G. Ring (as told to Chad Sternberger) is available from all good bookstores.

STAR WARS v INDIANA JONES ‘NOT IMPOSSIBLE’ SAYS GEORGE LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today spoke of how it would ‘not be entirely impossible’ for a future Star Wars – Indiana Jones crossover movie.

George Lucas walked into the Studio Exec bungalow like a man reborn. He grabbed a handful of peanut M&Ms from the courtesy bowl threw them high up in the air and then let them cascade onto his silver hair and beard catching a couple in his gaping maw. He settled himself on the Exec couch of truth and put his feet up on the coffee table and proffered a broad grin:

I’m very happy. Things are going well. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a great hit and I’m delighted with that and now Steven Spielberg is busy with the next big project: the new Indiana Jones movie. Harrison Ford is very excited by some of my ideas.

What brought him around?

Well, he was a little upset by the fact that as far as Star Wars is concerned he’s pretty much out of the picture. He was wooed by the idea that he would feature in the young Han Solo spin off but the sad fact is that he is too old to play the young Han Solo, but no one got round to telling Harrison that. So he was pissed. That was what made him change his mind on the Indiana Jones idea. But then I went one further and suggested that maybe there was a way of combining the two.

You mean Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Look, they both come from the same source of inspiration: Saturday morning serials. One is Flash Gordon and the other is more Tarzan, or Rocketman, or some such. But they’re cut from the same cloth so why wouldn’t they be able to crossover? We’ve got a Batman v Superman film coming up after all.

What was Steven Spielberg’s view of this?

I didn’t think he was incredibly happy. He sort of said, ‘Oh George’ the way he does. But the fact of the matter is, he said that about the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and in the end he filmed my idea.

How would it even work?

Well, Star Wars has always been set in a Galaxy Far Far Away (copyright Disney Studios). But they do have space ships and as those space ships fly faster than the speed of light that means they also have time travel. Plus Indiana Jones in the last film discovered multi-dimensional beings. What if those beings came back and asked for Indiana Jones’ help defeating the First Order? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch would it?

Is Shia LaBeouf returning?

Jesus Christ, Exec. I’m not completely f*cking nuts!

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump has welcomed the news that Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are getting together to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that Indiana Jones 5 will make America ‘great again.’

It’s already happening. I have not even won the presidential nomination nor the election but you can already get a foretaste of what America will be like.  My only concern is that Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Ford will not be able to recreate the brilliance of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because that was truly marvelous. That was – in my opinion – the best of the bunch.

The star of The Apprentice also called for a change however in the film making team.

Yes, it would be good to have the old team back together again, but I truly believe that this venture is so important that perhaps Steven Spielberg should step to one side and allow George Lucas to direct. George Lucas is the man with the ideas and I believe he would be perfect in bringing to the screen an Indiana Jones for Trump’s America.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS LAW TO PREVENT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – The President of the United States of America Barack Obama is considering a possible legislative solution to the imminent threat of Indiana Jones 5.

Responding to the news that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are threatening to follow the unwiped stain of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana Jones 5, President Obama has declared his intention to seek some sort of legal ban to prevent the movie being made.

I have spoken with my counterparts in the UN, the European Union, Vladimir Putin and the Chinese and for once the world speaks as one. This movie must not be made. Anyone who saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has repeated solemnly, never again.

The UN had previously shown its resolve when it declared Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a war crime and sought to bring George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to book for what they had done to a once loved movie franchise. Special envoy to the UN Kurtz Kurts told the Studio Exec:

The original was a rip-roaring adventure with all the charm of the old movie matinees that inspired it. The original trilogy was a trilogy. It told the story and gave a satisfactory arc to the whole proceedings. Crystal Skull by contrast deserves to be dropped into a disused mine shaft and then covered in concrete, which is what we’ve spent over $7 million doing over the last three years. I mean…Shia LaBeouf.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2018.

 

INDIANA JONES CRITICIZED FOR FAILING TO KILL HITLER

BERKLEY – Indiana Jones has come under intense criticism following a biography of the famous archeologist revealed how in the late 1930s Dr. Jones failed to kill the Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

Esteemed archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones has come under sustained attack today following the publication of extracts from a new biography that claims the noted academician met with Adolf Hitler and failed to take any action whatsoever. “Indiana Jones, I Presume” by Dr. Fathma Nichols is due for publication early in the new year but leaks from the book have already provided historians and the world of adventure archeology that Dr. Jones pioneered with some choice titbits of previously unknown information.

Included in the revelations are the fact that Indiana Jones met the leader of the Nazi Party and then Chancellor of Germany Adolf Hitler and not only failed to take any appropriate action, but also asked for the National Socialist’s autograph.

Dr. Nichols writes:

Although the meeting was inopportune – Dr. Jones was accompanied by his elderly father Dr. Henry Jones and there was a massive crowd of devoted Nazis around them – it can only be regretted that Jones did not leap into action and by doing forestall the Second World War and the Holocaust.

However, Indiana Jones supporters made it clear that the biographer’s charges were unfair:

You have to remember that at this point America was not at war with Germany and that on several occasions Dr. Jones had explicitly said ‘Nazis! I hate these guys’. During the Second World War, Jones was to work for the OSS and was never backward in a punch up with a Nazi, especially if there was scope for some propeller blade action.

However, the Nazi revelation, although the most serious, is not the only one.

Others include:

Dr. Jones persistently used unorthodox methods to remove objects from their original locations, and did not do proper surveys of the sites nor did he write complete reports. Although a successful obtainer of rare objects, the destruction that often accompanied his finds meant that proper study was frequently impossible.

Dr. Jones had a girlish fear of snakes.

During the testing of a nuclear weapon in Nevada, Jones hid in an icebox for reasons that are still unclear.

Although hired as a teacher, Dr. Jones record as an educator left a lot to be desired. He would frequently fail to correct course work in a timely fashion and his courses were often abruptly halted as he took an unexplained ‘sabbatical’. In this he was facilitated by his friend and mentor Marcus Brody.

Jones was suspected of being a racist, telling stories of Indian death cults and referring to meals which involved ‘chilled monkey brains’.

Hollywood actor Shia LaBeouf is thought to be his son, but exactly how the dates work has never been fully explained.

Indiana Jones I  Presume, by Dr. Fathma Nichols will be available from Amazon and all good bookshops from January 8, 2016.

HARRISON FORD CRASH LANDS HELICOPTER ON TENNIS COURT

CALIFORNIA – Star Wars and Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford crashed landed his private helicopter on a tennis court this morning, interrupting a game of mixed doubles.

The Blade Runner star was uninjured and was able to walk away from the crash scene. Billy Sidegrup and his wife Mandy had been playing against the junior partner in Billy’s law firm Oregon Stymes and his girlfriend Stella. Oregon had been putting the hurt on Billy and Mandy with his powerful backhand and Stella was proving just as athletic and lithe as she looked.

Billy told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We were getting hammered – about to lose the second straight set when we heard this awful mechanical sound and this shadow suddenly descended on the court. We fled just in time because the helicopter came down pretty fast and busted one of its rails. Luckily the pilot managed to cut the engine and so the blades stopped moving and there was no explosion or anything, much to my wife’s stupid disappointment.

An ambulance and police car rushed to the scene but the 73 year old actor had apparently walked away from the scene. The Los Angeles Police Department have opened an investigation as it was revealed that Harrison Ford had crashed landed on a golf course a year earlier.

A spokesperson for the LAPD told the Exec:

Though we’re not treating this as suspicious per se, we do have some questions for Mr. Ford to answer. There is a theory that Harrison Ford is deliberately targeting sports based locations. This could be simply coincidence but we’ll be monitoring Mr. Ford’s flight paths from now on and if he were say to emergency land in a swimming pool or hang glide onto a basketball court then that would have to be game over.

Harrison Ford was unavailable for comment.