INDIANA JONES CRITICIZED FOR FAILING TO KILL HITLER

BERKLEY – Indiana Jones has come under intense criticism following a biography of the famous archeologist revealed how in the late 1930s Dr. Jones failed to kill the Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

Esteemed archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones has come under sustained attack today following the publication of extracts from a new biography that claims the noted academician met with Adolf Hitler and failed to take any action whatsoever. “Indiana Jones, I Presume” by Dr. Fathma Nichols is due for publication early in the new year but leaks from the book have already provided historians and the world of adventure archeology that Dr. Jones pioneered with some choice titbits of previously unknown information.

Included in the revelations are the fact that Indiana Jones met the leader of the Nazi Party and then Chancellor of Germany Adolf Hitler and not only failed to take any appropriate action, but also asked for the National Socialist’s autograph.

Dr. Nichols writes:

Although the meeting was inopportune – Dr. Jones was accompanied by his elderly father Dr. Henry Jones and there was a massive crowd of devoted Nazis around them – it can only be regretted that Jones did not leap into action and by doing forestall the Second World War and the Holocaust.

However, Indiana Jones supporters made it clear that the biographer’s charges were unfair:

You have to remember that at this point America was not at war with Germany and that on several occasions Dr. Jones had explicitly said ‘Nazis! I hate these guys’. During the Second World War, Jones was to work for the OSS and was never backward in a punch up with a Nazi, especially if there was scope for some propeller blade action.

However, the Nazi revelation, although the most serious, is not the only one.

Others include:

Dr. Jones persistently used unorthodox methods to remove objects from their original locations, and did not do proper surveys of the sites nor did he write complete reports. Although a successful obtainer of rare objects, the destruction that often accompanied his finds meant that proper study was frequently impossible.

Dr. Jones had a girlish fear of snakes.

During the testing of a nuclear weapon in Nevada, Jones hid in an icebox for reasons that are still unclear.

Although hired as a teacher, Dr. Jones record as an educator left a lot to be desired. He would frequently fail to correct course work in a timely fashion and his courses were often abruptly halted as he took an unexplained ‘sabbatical’. In this he was facilitated by his friend and mentor Marcus Brody.

Jones was suspected of being a racist, telling stories of Indian death cults and referring to meals which involved ‘chilled monkey brains’.

Hollywood actor Shia LaBeouf is thought to be his son, but exactly how the dates work has never been fully explained.

Indiana Jones I  Presume, by Dr. Fathma Nichols will be available from Amazon and all good bookshops from January 8, 2016.

STEVEN SPIELBERG’S SNAKE BITE ADVICE

 HOLLYWOOD – ‘Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?’ says Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And why indeed!? But sometimes, it is snakes and having some basic medical advice can be the difference between life and amputation or in extreme cases death.

Hi, I’m Steven Spielberg, director of AlwaysThe Color Purple and Munich, although you probably know me better from the Jurassic Park or Indiana Jones films, especially Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Today I want to give you some advice on what to do if you or your hiking companion is bit by a poisonous snake.
Now there are several deadly snakes in California so the number one priority here is speed. I didn’t get to make several Oscar winning films by being a slow coach, oh no. As soon as you have been bitten, or a member of your party has been bitten, you need to leap into action. My contribution to action cinema is not entirely irrelevant. Aside from the afore-mentioned Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade, I also made Tin Tin: the Secret of the Unicorn, which holds up even today. It could be argued that Jaws is in fact a rollicking action movie, but we’re not here to talk about shark bites. No, we’re here to talk about snake bites, which can be, as I said already, deadly. 

Time. Time is important. At the time, Hook and 1941 were treated quite harshly by the critics, but re-watching both those films recently, I think they hold up. Success, though, has a way of creating some quite venomous adversaries. And none more venomous perhaps, than snakes. 


So I hope this has been helpful.


For more advice by Steven Spielberg, CLICK HERE.

STEVEN SPIELBERG: SLAVE OWNER AND HYPOCRITE

HOLLYWOOD – Film maker, Steven Spielberg has long been seen as a master storyteller and a conductor whose orchestra is the vast array of human sentiment. However, today on the eve of the release of his epic Lincoln starring Daniel Day Lewis, it has been revealed that he is also a slave owner.

The Amblin Plantation in South Dakota contains a population of over three hundred Vietnamese slaves which the 1941 director bought in the late seventies before slavery was made definitively illegal and while, according to Kate Capshaw: ‘It was all the rage’.

His first slave was Hai Ke Quan, the father of Jonathan Ke Quan who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom in 1984. His slaves are apparently treated humanely except for any who voice dissent about Spielberg’s role as Executive Producer on the Transformers franchise. One run away slave however spoke of having to sit through Amistad every night for a week.

‘It was like totally hypocritical,’ Ho Ak Bahn said. ‘I mean you know. Bullshit man.’

When questioned about the plantation, Spielberg responded that he had nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. ‘These people are like children who need to be taken care of,’ he said.

Short Round was captured starred in a film and then sent aback

But isn’t this precisely the attitude that Lincoln and Amistad criticise? Studio Exec courageously was alone in asking, with a frail tremulous voice on the verge of cracking.

‘No,’ said The Sugarland Express (as he likes to be known). ‘That is a totally different kettle of fish. Mine aren’t black, so it isn’t racism.’

INDIANA JONES BLU RAY ‘ANOTHER MISSED OPPORTUNITY’ SAYS LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – The new Indiana Jones blu-ray – the box set of which recently went on sale – has been adjudged a ‘missed opportunity’ by George Lucas.

‘Spiely’s muffed it,’ spat Lucas, fuming. ‘He had the opportunity to CGI Tom Selleck’s face onto Harrison Ford and totally didn’t.’

Other changes the Phantom Menace director suggested in a note to his former friend (now worst enemy) included:

  • a new scene with the full sword fight put in, getting rid of that embarrassing pulling the pistol and shooting the Arab joke
  • CGI snakes doing loads of stuff and flying too
  • in Temple of Doom more racism, ‘much more funnier’
  • Sean Connery replaced by Samuel L. Jackson
  • 3D? durh
  • and where are the prequels?

To the last question Studio Exec reminded Lucas of his own Young Indy Chronicles which the beard-flapped swirl-quiffed visionary seemed to have forgotten. He waved a hand impatiently, ‘Never heard of them.’

Indiana Jones 5 is due for release in 2016.