HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.

One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.

Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.

Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.

The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

SHIA LABEOUF SUFFERING FROM THE CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf claims Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull almost destroyed his entire life.

Noted actor and performance artist Shia LaBeouf has spoken for the first time about the so-called ‘curse of the Crystal Skull’. Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the Transformers star had this to say:

I was so excited about appearing in an Indiana Jones movie I can’t tell you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn into such a nightmare. From the day after we wrapped things went wrong. I began to appear at premieres with a bag over my head. Shouted in theatres. I started drinking. Even appeared in a Lars Von Trier film for crying out loud. At my lowest I sat on my own in a cinema and watched all the films I had been in. I can’t tell you how that was.

Other stars have complained of the effects of the movie. First, Harrison Ford crashed his plane and lost all his hair and then Cate Blanchett appeared in The Hobbit. Even producer George Lucas accidentally sold Star Wars to Disney following the film.

LaBeouf says:

The only person who got away with it was Spielberg. He’s as happy as he ever was.

Indiana Jones and the Trump Presidency will be released in 2018.

STAR WARS v INDIANA JONES ‘NOT IMPOSSIBLE’ SAYS GEORGE LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today spoke of how it would ‘not be entirely impossible’ for a future Star Wars – Indiana Jones crossover movie.

George Lucas walked into the Studio Exec bungalow like a man reborn. He grabbed a handful of peanut M&Ms from the courtesy bowl threw them high up in the air and then let them cascade onto his silver hair and beard catching a couple in his gaping maw. He settled himself on the Exec couch of truth and put his feet up on the coffee table and proffered a broad grin:

I’m very happy. Things are going well. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a great hit and I’m delighted with that and now Steven Spielberg is busy with the next big project: the new Indiana Jones movie. Harrison Ford is very excited by some of my ideas.

What brought him around?

Well, he was a little upset by the fact that as far as Star Wars is concerned he’s pretty much out of the picture. He was wooed by the idea that he would feature in the young Han Solo spin off but the sad fact is that he is too old to play the young Han Solo, but no one got round to telling Harrison that. So he was pissed. That was what made him change his mind on the Indiana Jones idea. But then I went one further and suggested that maybe there was a way of combining the two.

You mean Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Look, they both come from the same source of inspiration: Saturday morning serials. One is Flash Gordon and the other is more Tarzan, or Rocketman, or some such. But they’re cut from the same cloth so why wouldn’t they be able to crossover? We’ve got a Batman v Superman film coming up after all.

What was Steven Spielberg’s view of this?

I didn’t think he was incredibly happy. He sort of said, ‘Oh George’ the way he does. But the fact of the matter is, he said that about the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and in the end he filmed my idea.

How would it even work?

Well, Star Wars has always been set in a Galaxy Far Far Away (copyright Disney Studios). But they do have space ships and as those space ships fly faster than the speed of light that means they also have time travel. Plus Indiana Jones in the last film discovered multi-dimensional beings. What if those beings came back and asked for Indiana Jones’ help defeating the First Order? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch would it?

Is Shia LaBeouf returning?

Jesus Christ, Exec. I’m not completely f*cking nuts!

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump has welcomed the news that Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are getting together to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that Indiana Jones 5 will make America ‘great again.’

It’s already happening. I have not even won the presidential nomination nor the election but you can already get a foretaste of what America will be like.  My only concern is that Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Ford will not be able to recreate the brilliance of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because that was truly marvelous. That was – in my opinion – the best of the bunch.

The star of The Apprentice also called for a change however in the film making team.

Yes, it would be good to have the old team back together again, but I truly believe that this venture is so important that perhaps Steven Spielberg should step to one side and allow George Lucas to direct. George Lucas is the man with the ideas and I believe he would be perfect in bringing to the screen an Indiana Jones for Trump’s America.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS LAW TO PREVENT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – The President of the United States of America Barack Obama is considering a possible legislative solution to the imminent threat of Indiana Jones 5.

Responding to the news that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are threatening to follow the unwiped stain of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana Jones 5, President Obama has declared his intention to seek some sort of legal ban to prevent the movie being made.

I have spoken with my counterparts in the UN, the European Union, Vladimir Putin and the Chinese and for once the world speaks as one. This movie must not be made. Anyone who saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has repeated solemnly, never again.

The UN had previously shown its resolve when it declared Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a war crime and sought to bring George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to book for what they had done to a once loved movie franchise. Special envoy to the UN Kurtz Kurts told the Studio Exec:

The original was a rip-roaring adventure with all the charm of the old movie matinees that inspired it. The original trilogy was a trilogy. It told the story and gave a satisfactory arc to the whole proceedings. Crystal Skull by contrast deserves to be dropped into a disused mine shaft and then covered in concrete, which is what we’ve spent over $7 million doing over the last three years. I mean…Shia LaBeouf.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2018.

 

HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.
One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.
Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.
Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.
The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

SHIA LA BEOUF ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S PENIS

COPENHAGEN- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Transformers 2 star Shia LaBeouf has been accused once more of ‘borrowing’ someone else’s work: in this case Michael Fassbender‘s Old Boy.

The young actor faced accusations of creative theft following a screening of Lars Von Trier’s new 4 hour nookie fest Nymphomaniac in Copenhagen. Critics who saw the film are under strict embargo but one of them phoned Studio Exec with this story, telling us the embargo doesn’t count if you don’t give your name. Richard Brody of the New Yorker whispered:

Shia’s dingly-dangly is an exact replica of Michael Fassbender’s love tube in the Steve McQueen film Shame. It’s like a sand worm from Dune.  I’m not saying he outright stole it, but if Fassbender doesn’t have a ‘Special Thanks to…’ credit, then things are very rum.

 The accusations come at a time when Shia LaBeouf was already fielding claims that his new short film was less original than by all rights it ought to have been. He denied the charges. ‘This is what happens when someone has a larger than average package. Everyone wants to jump on it,’ said the Lawless star. 
Michael Fassbender – who is currently winning plaudits in 12 Years a Slave – said that he was ‘flattered and slightly engorged’.

Shia will be released in 2015.