INDIANA JONES 5 TITLE REVEALED

BREAKING NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal the name of the Indiana Jones 5 title. 

The Indiana Jones 5 title, in light of recent events, has been changed. The Indiana Jones 5 title will be ‘Injuryana Jones And The Curse Of The Brittle Shoulder’.

Throw Me The Idol, I Give You The Aspirin

After reports broke (pun intended) that Harrison Ford has yet again injured himself while rehearsing a fight scene on the set of the latest Indy film, James Mangold decided to change the name of the film. The Exec caught up with writer / director Mangold who had this to say.

Indiana Jones And The Faulty Hearing Aid

“We were rehearsing a fight scene and I said to Harrison, ‘Ok, let’s try it from there.’ Meaning to try it from that part of the scene. Harrison’s hearing aint what it used to be, bless him. He thought I said ‘Ok, dive off of that chair.’ So the crazy bastard stood on a chain and threw himself off. He landed in a heap and that was that.”

Indiana Jones And The Hasty Rewrites

“He wanted to fly himself to the hospital and just kept saying ‘Trust me.’ But I wasn’t falling for that shit. We carted him away and I got to rewriting the film. It now takes place in a Sports Injury Clinic. That way, when he injures himself again (let’s face it) we can whisk him off to ultra-sound treatment, lickety-splick.

Indy / Unbreakable Crossover

Mangold went on to say, “We’ve been in touch M Night Shyamalan’s people about the possibility of doing an Indiana Jones and Mr Glass crossover film or TV series for Netflix. It’ll just be hours of them pointing at each other shouting ‘CAREFUL NOW’ and ‘MIND THAT CORNER’. It’ll be wild.”

 

More on this as it / he breaks.

HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.

One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.

Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.

Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.

The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

STEVEN F*CKING SPIELBERG IS ACTUALLY GOING TO F*CKING MAKE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg is going to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump is President of the United States. Britain is Brexiting. The ice caps are making. And Steven Spielberg is actually making Indiana f*cking Jones 5.

The news was welcomed by accountants the world over and some tape worms were felt to writhe in anticipation. Shia LaBeouf has gone into hiding and a trail of blue M&Ms was found marking a path from Harrison Ford’s house to an extremely rickety World War One bi-plane.

When asked about the project Spielberg told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The film will be set in the present day Indiana Jones is now extremely old. We’re talking Guy Pearce here. He is called on to go to Charlottesville to pull down some ancient statues. Only here he will find his old nemesis. The Nazis.

Indiana Jones and the Alt Right will be released in 2020.

STEVEN SPIELBERG USES AIR QUOTES WHEN TALKING ABOUT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg uses air quotes whenever talking about Indiana Jones 5, it was revealed today.

Jaws and Lincoln director Steven Spielberg always uses air quotes whenever discussing Indiana Jones 5. The revelation came from Spielberg’s close friend Dan Aykroyd.

It’s the weirdest thing. Whenever he talks about the next Indiana Jones film, he uses this quote gesture with his fingers. He said to me the other day that Indiana Jones would be “released” in 2019. He was “working” on the “script” and Harrison Ford was very “excited” about the “idea”.

So he might not actually want to make the film?

I asked him about it and he told me that when Peter Jackson talks to him about Tintin Jackson does the same thing. So he just picked it up as a useful habit.

What does George Lucas think?

George Lucas “thinks” we’re going to make the “Movie”.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in “2019”.

INDIANA JONES 5 A NATIONAL PRIORITY, SAYS TRUMP

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump placed Indiana Jones 5 at the top of his budget yesterday.

President Trump – two words as unappealing as edible toilet – mentioned only one movie in his budget – Indiana Jones 5. In a statement the White House said:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was the best Indiana Jones movie ever. The President believes it is in the national interest that the sequel, Indiana Jones 5 goes ahead. As soon as we can. Before Harrison Ford crashes his plane again. So basically before next Thursday.

Steven Spielberg welcomed the president’s proclamation as well as the funds which the budget will allocate to the movie. $50 million are to be given to the studio which makes the next Indiana Jones films, money which will be raised by selling poor children to the rich men.

Indiana Jones and the Beautiful Kremlin of Bigly will be released in 2018.

GOOD NEWS: WORLD TO END BEFORE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Scientists revealed today that humanity would in all likelihood be extinct prior to the release of Indiana Jones 5, much to the relief of everybody.

A combination of nuclear proliferation, human caused climate change and political instability is almost certain to wipe out mankind by 2018, a full year before the projected release of Indiana Jones 5 a study published in the Scientific American proves. The article says:

Climate change is having a catastrophic effect and we have observed that the Earth is tilting due to the melting of the ice caps. This tilting is just one event which has been fed into a mathematical model with other factors such as nuclear proliferation and economic instability and we can confidently predict everyone on the planet will be dead by 2018. Our calculations show that Indiana Jones 5 will be released post the apocalypse and this is genuinely cheering news.

The news was greeted with relief and in some quarters joy. Steven Spielberg was one of the people to go public with his reaction:

George has come up with a story and Lord helps me it send Indiana Jones into space. It’s a direct follow on from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We’re due to start shooting just as the water rises over our heads and the mushroom clouds bloom on the horizon.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump has welcomed the news that Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are getting together to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that Indiana Jones 5 will make America ‘great again.’

It’s already happening. I have not even won the presidential nomination nor the election but you can already get a foretaste of what America will be like.  My only concern is that Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Ford will not be able to recreate the brilliance of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because that was truly marvelous. That was – in my opinion – the best of the bunch.

The star of The Apprentice also called for a change however in the film making team.

Yes, it would be good to have the old team back together again, but I truly believe that this venture is so important that perhaps Steven Spielberg should step to one side and allow George Lucas to direct. George Lucas is the man with the ideas and I believe he would be perfect in bringing to the screen an Indiana Jones for Trump’s America.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.
One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.
Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.
Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.
The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

SCRIPT LEAK: INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Indiana Jones 5 has just been announced and already the Studio Exec has received the leaked screenplay.

Here it is:



EXT: NIGHT

IT’S DARK. INDY IS HACKING AWAY THROUGH THE UNDERGROWTH WITH HIS MACHETE. HE REACHES A HIGH FENCE AND PRODUCES A PAIR OF WIRE CUTTERS FROM HIS JACKET. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A SIREN AND THE PLACE IS LIT UP BY FLOODLIGHTS. WE SEE A SIGN ON THE FENCE THAT READS ‘SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT HOME’.

A SILHOUETTE OF A FIGURE MOVES TOWARDS INDY. A FEMALE VOICE IS HEARD.

                           VOICE

                          Dr Jones.

INDY CONTINUES USING THE CUTTERS ON THE FENCE


                          VOICE (CONT’D)

                          Dr Jones!

THE FIGURE COMES INTO FOCUS. IT’S A WOMAN IN A NURSES UNIFORM.


                          NURSE

Put down the wire cutters Dr Jones and let’s get you back inside.

                          INDY

No. I must find the Ark before it falls into the hands of the Nazis

                          NURSE

Now, Now Dr Jones. We’ve been through this. It’s 1985. The war has been over for 40 years.

                          INDY
                      You’re lying!

                          NURSE

There, there. Come with me back inside. We’re about to serve dinner and it’s your favourite tonight.

                          INDY

                        Meatloaf?

                          NURSE

Meatloaf for main and treacle sponge and custard for dessert.

                          INDY

          Sounds good but I still can’t come back inside. 

                          NURSE

Sure you can. You’ll eat a nice dinner then you can have a nice sit down in the social area. Don’t forget, it’s bingo night tonight.

                          INDY 

You don’t understand. I’ve shit my pants and if I move it’s going to go everywhere.

                         NURSE

Don’t you worry about that now. I’ll give you a nice hot sponge bath and we’ll get you some clean pants.

                         INDY

                 Ok fine. I’m coming.

                                                         FIN