TOP GUN ATTACK OF THE THETANS ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise has announced Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans will go into production this Fall. The surprise announcement came after the world premiere of the fighter jet sequel at Cannes. The Studio Exec caught up with Tom to discuss Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans, which is slated for a summer 2025 release.

Tom, Where Did You Get The Idea For Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans?

I got the idea for another Top Gun movie when we started to see the financial projections for Top Gun: Maverick. It’s gonna make a shit ton of money. It then occurred to me that I love making money and people will pay me money to do just about anything. Well, apart from The Mummy. So I thought, why not make another Top Gun movie. That’ll make even more money, which by the way, I love. If you get enough money, you become rich. Then you can do anything. And I mean anything.

I Meant More Specifically Why Attack Of The Thetans?

Ah, I see what you’re getting at. My apologies. Y’see it’s all well and good having people hurling themselves around the sky in jet fighters. That’s very exciting. But it’s not something your average Joe and Joanna can relate to. So I thought, what about the Thetans? If we can get them involved in the franchise, it will ground it (no pun intended). Everyone can relate to Thetans. The way I pitched it to my terrified studio liaison was Top Gun meets Battlefield Earth meets Independence Day. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie?

Are You Being Serious?

Yeah, of course. You’d have to be insane to not want to see that. Or you’d certainly be on several Hollywood blacklists if you said anything to the contrary. Those blacklists totally don’t exist, by the way. But it is nice to have friends, and family, and a career. Isn’t it, you piece of shit.

I’m Sorry, What Did You Say?

There’s no need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong… yet. But it’s up to you whether you do or not. Just remember, all our actions have consequences. Far reaching, permanent consequences.

I Love The Sound Of This Movie!

I knew you’d see it my way.

Top Gun: Maverick Is Out In Cinemas Later This Week

ROLAND EMMERICH’S BARRY LYNDON GREENLIT

MOVIE NEWS – In the wake of the Moonfall publicity, Roland Emmerich’s Barry Lyndon has been greenlit. It is due to start shooting in the spring. Roland Emmerich’s Barry Lyndon isn’t a combo that immediately comes to mind, so we spoke to the director about his next project.

Roland, What Made You Choose Barry Lyndon?

You mean The Luck Of Barry Lyndon. I’ve always been a fan of William Thackeray’s work, which is evident from my movies. I know people have been crying out for me to finally tackle this perfect fit. With the forecast numbers of Moonfall looking so good, I managed to get this signed off.

Isn’t It Daunting Making A Film That Will Always Be Compared To Kubrick’s Masterpiece?

Masterpiece? You mean snooze-fest. It takes such liberties with the source material. I can’t recognize it as an adaptation of the book I so dearly love.

Apart From The Lack Of 1st Person Narrative, How Does It Differ That Much?

You’re kidding me, aren’t you? I think we must have read different books. The film is this turgid study of people standing in candle-lit rooms, staring at each other. Every now and then he goes off to a war or duels. But otherwise, back into candle-lit rooms and back to staring at each other. I mean, fuck me, it’s awful. We’re going to tell the real story of The Luck Of Barry Lyndon.

Which Is?

So when Barry joins the Prussian Army, he uncovers an alien conspiracy that threatens not just this world, but the entire galaxy. So Barry builds a spaceship with the aid of some alien tech he finds in Barn 51, near Dusseldorf. He then zooms up into space to try and destroy the alien mothership, which is hiding behind Mars. And then-

For God’s Sake Man. Just Stop. STOP!

Moonfall Is Currently Showing In Cinemas.

INDEPENDENCE DAY: REGURGITATION CHANGES TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – New Roland Emmerich Science Fiction drama Independence Day: Regurgitation has changed its name to Independence Day: Resurgence.

Independence Day Star Jeff Goldblum announced that the filmmakers of Independence Day had changed the name of the blockbuster only weeks before the release. ‘It’s definitely a better name,’ said Brundlefly, as he prefers to be known. ‘The other name was…. how can I say? Vomity?’

The Stonewall and Anonymous director Emmerich, however, tried to explain the logic of the original choice:

We wanted Independence Day: Regurgitation to be a sequel that knew it was a sequel. A postmodern ironic romp and so the title was part of that. A poke at the culture of excessive repetition. But the studio felt it was too on the nose.

The movie will tell the tale of aliens invading the world and destroying major landmarks as part of their plan to ruin the international tourist industry.

Independence Day: Resurgence will be released in July.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 1. ROLAND EMMERICH

HOLLYWOOD – Roland Emmerich is our first interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

This town has a long history of taking in immigrants from Europe and using their talent to our mutual benefit. Look at Billy Wilder. Jesus, did that Austrian have cahones! And then there was Fritz Lang, what a massive talent! Dr. Mabuse, M and Metropolis. Michael Curtiz, Erich Von Strohiem, the list goes on and on, I think. And joining that venerable list is Roland Emmerich: the Master of Disaster, the chaos theory himself, the man some people are calling the new Kubrick, and by some people I mean idiots.

Emmerich first made a name for himself with Universal Soldier, an interesting character piece that pitted the talents of Dolph Lungren against Jean Claude Van Damme, a pairing that brought to mind the great acting duel of Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton in Beckett. Following up swiftly with some explorations in ‘science fiction’, Emmerich soon mastered the genre with Stargate and Independence Day and completed his ‘Trilogy’ with Godzilla.

‘It was a technical exercise,’ Roland tells me as he pours skimmed milk onto his Rice Krispies. ‘I wanted to see if I could take this giant monster, from Japanese movies and have it destroying New York, with the military and missiles and what not and yet still be boring. You see Spielberg had done dinosaurs in Jurrassic Park but he had done the obvious thing and made it exciting. Mine was the more difficult task.’

‘You succeeded brilliantly,’ I tell him.

‘Shhhhhh,’ he says. Of course, he wants to listen to the snap, crackle and pop.

‘The casting of Matthew Broderick as an action movie lead was key,’ he says.

And Jean Reno as comic relief.

Having completely dominated ‘science fiction’, Rollie decided it was time to make his mark in period drama. The Patriot – starring everyone’s favourite anti-Semite Mel Gibson – was like David Lean with blood squibs.

In order to give his lead depth, Rollie had him make a chair, and then, to add comedy, Rollie had the chair be crap.

‘He sits down, it breaks he falls on the floor,’ he waves a spoon at me. ‘Hilarious.’

At this point in his career, we couldn’t write contracts fast enough for this boy.

The Day After Tomorrow I would sincerely credit as Rollie’s masterpiece. Perhaps the most politically important film since Conan the Destroyer. After which there was nowhere to go but down. Trust Rollie Emmers to make going down an art form in itself. 2012 was such a pile of horrible steaming effluent that even John Cusack looked embarrassed (and he’ll do anything for a coin that glints). Cusack has since altered his appearance by weirdly disguising himself as a young Nick Cage (pictured).

Having perfected cinema in all its forms, the question was what next?

Rollie licks his spoon thoughtfully.

Everyone talks about Shakespeare, Shakespeare, Shakespeare. Borrrrring! So I had this idea that how can this little jumped up slap head, you know and the plays and school and stuff? Whereas a noble with the words putting together stuff would be better, the writer be. But there was a problem. How to persuade these great British actors, Derek Jacobi, Mark Rylance, Rhys Ifans to be in a film which basically trashes the greatest English playwright.

So how did you do it?

Rollie laughs.

Easy. I paid them lots of money. They love money. They didn’t give a shit.

We laugh our asses off. What a great guy!

[This interview was originally published in The New Yorker September 2012]

For more Breakfasts, Click Here.

 

FREE RANDY QUAID

MONTREAL – The savior of the Earth Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested by Canadian immigration authorities yesterday and is being held pending deportation.

For years many believed falsely that Randy Quaid had died during his heroic defense of the Earth which destroyed the Mothership of the alien hordes just as they were about to finalize their invasion of Earth. It later was revealed by the Studio Exec that the hero was actually alive and well and living in Canada. A modest self-effacing man, Mr. Quaid was fleeing the adulation and demi-God like worship that such a heroic figure would receive as his due. However, the Canada of Stephen Harper is not a kind place for immigrants, even if you have saved the World from the yoke of an Alien master race. Randy Quaid and his wife were detained and a hearing to decide whether they will be deported or not will be held.

The Studio Exec believes that this is a horrific attack on an individual who has done more for this planet and for the human race than any other person in the history of mankind, with the possible exception of Jesus and/or Mohammad (delete where appropriate).  And so we are launching a campaign to free Randy Quaid and his wife from the clutches of Canadian bureaucracy.  He saved the Earth and therefore we owe him a debt of gratitude. Yes, even Canadians. If you are Canadian please write to your government. If you’re not Canadian, be selective when buying bacon, or syrup. Spread this story as far and wide as you possibly can. And if anyone contradicts the FACTS, send them to the Studio Exec, the only Movie Website to deal in FACTS.

Gary: the Tennis Coach 2 will be released in 2016.

INDEPENDENCE DAY SAVIOR ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN CANADA

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the pilot who saved mankind by flying into the mother ship – featured in the lightly fictionalized documentary Independence Day – is actually not dead at all, but alive and well and living in Canada.

In the Independence Day Battle, the extraterrestrials were defeated by a combination of Jeff Goldblum’s brains, Will Smith’s Top Gun bravado and Randy Quaid’s mild insanity. It was the latter which finally paid off, allowing Quaid to pilot his plane on a suicidal trajectory into the mother ship where a computer virus destroyed the aliens and handed an eleventh hour victory to the beleaguered humans.  It seemed obvious that Quaid had heroically sacrificed his life so that the human race might live, but it has been revealed that he is actually living in a hotel room somewhere in Canada with his wife/Rupert Murdoch.

Ex-President Bill Pullman spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I have heard reports before that Randy was alive, but I just don’t see how he could possibly have survived the explosion. I mean it was like something out of a Michael Bay movie. I know. I was there. I would put this sort of evidence right up there with the stuff about Elvis still being alive, or the Loch Ness Monster or something.

But wasn’t Randy actually a conspiracy theory nut himself? Couldn’t this be the case that he’d be exactly the sort of person to do this?

I’ll admit that the picture you have looks like Randy Quaid and I will also admit that he was a personality that was … let us say unique. But he was also a hero of enormous proportions and a great American. To say that he somehow slipped away from the wreckage and went to Canada! Canada of all places! No, that just won’t stand. That is besmirching the memory of a great American hero and the brother of a really fine actor.

And yet the photographic evidence seems compelling, as was admitted by Dr. Brundlefly. ‘It certainly looks like Randy would look after all these years have passed,’ said Goldblum. ‘And yet living in Canada… I mean he was probably so busy wondering if he could do it, he didn’t stop to ask himself if he should do it.’

What do you think? Fill the comment box below with your own insensate nonsense. 

INDEPENDENCE DAY DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Today is the annual celebration of the fourth of July, or Independence Day Day, as it has been known since the defeat of the alien invasion some years ago.

Under the presidency of Bill Pullman the Earth was subject to an unprecedented attack by extraterrestrial forces which were then defeated by a combination of Brundle Fly, the Fresh Prince of Bell Air and Dennis Quaid’s demented brother. All over the country, parties are being organized to celebrate the coming together of disparate parts of our nation in order to defeat the common foe. The White House has been rebuilt and New York repaired, but the psychological scars of that day remain fresh.

One witness spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec under strict request for anonymity:

We fled in thousands. In millions. There were many who left everything behind. Who lost everything. And worse than that, worse even than the grief for those who had died was the utter hopelessness. We had thrown everything we had at the aliens and they seemed impervious. Our navy, our army and our air force aside from some mavericks had all had their butts handed to them. We had stared up at the aliens hoping that they would relent, that some mercy would be forthcoming, but instead they rained down death on us. If it hadn’t been for President Bill Pullman and Dennis Quaid’s dingbat brother, the Earth would have been placed under the dominion of a foreign army, or more likely the Human race would simply have been exterminated.

Independence Day Day will be celebrated by the Studio Exec with a head hung in sorrow as well as joy.

RANDY QUAID AND RUPERT MURDOCH TO MARRY

HOLLYWOOD – Independence Day actor and Starwhacker activist Randy Quaid is due to marry Rupert Murdoch sometime next year ‘once our divorce are through’.

The revelation came as a turn around following a YouTube video which showed Randy Quaid having sex with his wife while she wore a Rupert Murdoch mask. The Brokeback Mountain star spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

It was weird. Really late at night and the phone rang. A voice on the other end said ‘This is Rupert. I’m outside. Can we meet?’ At first I thought it was someone playing a trick but I went out and sure enough there was Rupert Murdoch waiting for me.

According to Quaid, the Australian media mogul had seen the video and thought it was the ‘sexiest thing he had ever seen.’ The two went for drinks to resolve their differences, ‘and one thing led to another.’

It’s the craziest thing in the world I know but Rupert is going to put me on the straight and narrow. He’s a very gentle and very moral man. He said the first thing we had to do was divorce our wives and though I love Evi, I know that this is a new chapter in my life and she can’t be part of that.

Rupert Murdoch, who is worth $14.5 BILLION, has filed divorce proceedings against his wife and is currently crafting a stringent prenuptial agreement. Quaid continued:

Rupert has said he will take care of my legal troubles and some of my financial problems too. We’re planning on a very quiet ceremony. In fact Rupert said I’m not to tell anyone the location and to come unarmed. I don’t know why he said that. Oh, and he wants me to cut my beard off because he says it makes me look a little bit like Santa Claus, but if Santa Claus was a psychopath.

More details on the forthcoming nuptials of Randy Quaid and Rupert Murdoch will be published as we get them.