LEONARDO DICAPRIO COLONOSCOPY NFT FLOP

HOLLYWOOD – As news breaks of the Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT prices flopping, it has led many to speculate the bottom has fallen out of the market. The auction held at Christie’s of the Leonardo DiCaprio colonoscopy NFTs was expected to fetch exorbitant prices. But even the most revealing shots went for only ‘a couple of bucks a piece’ according to a Christie’s spokesperson.

Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT Going Cheap

Auction goers were shocked to see hardly any interest in the NFTs of the Inception and Titanic star. An insider told The Exec, ‘It was meant to be a chance for DiCaprio’s fans the world around to get to know him inside out. In an ideal world, he would want all his young fans to know him this well personally. But there’s only so much of Leo to go around. That’s why we were so shocked when nobody paid through the ass for his ass.’

WTF Is A NFT?

For those of you who are behind with the times or just too poor to care and have actual problems to deal with, NFT stands for Non-Fungible Token. It pretty much means it’s a unique piece of digital macguffinary, a whodgiemaflip and flibberty-gibbert. It’s temporarily better than a Bitcoin because trust fund idiots will pay a great deal more for them. Or at least they did until now.

DiCaprio’s Ass Bubble Digitally Bursts

With DiCaprio’s colonoscopy NFTs failing to raise any interest and more importantly, money for the star, many are speculating this digital bubble has burst. Like Bitcoins, Celebrity Nudes and Tamagotchis, these once treasured digital phenomena have been consigned to the tech scrapheap. Nobody gives a digital shit anymore.

Return Of DiCap

But this latest setback isn’t deterring Hollywood from trying to squeeze every last digital dime out of us salivating canine consumers yet. DiCaprio’s people have just announced a new line of HFTs – Highly-Fungible Tokens. These will be pieces of digital art you and your billionaire buddies will be able to buy, at a premium, of course. They will then only exist for a very short time before they self-destruct. And cue the Lalo Schifrin Mission Impossible theme.

DiCaprio’s HFTs Will Be Available Online Shortly

IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec answers the age old question: is Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan the new Stanley Kubrick?

As part of a new series of short answers to long questions, the Studio Exec faces the poser is Christopher Nolan director of Memento, Inception, Interstellar, the Dark Knight trilogy and Dunkirk the new Stanley Kubrick? Continue reading “IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?”

DUNKIRK TO BE CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’S FIRST COMEDY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan has promised that Dunkirk will be his first all out comedy.

The Dark Knight and Inception director Christopher Nolan has promised that his next film Dunkirk will be his first all out comedy. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, he had this to say:

I know people are going to say, wait a minute, Inception was hilarious. And I know it was. But it wasn’t meant to be. And so that doesn’t really count. I’m more associated with darker material and it can become a trap. So I’m looking forward to everyone getting to see Dunkirk and seeing the comedy romp and a totally different side of my personality.

But Dunkirk is a war film. Surely that’s a serious topic?

Yes and no. When I say knockabout comedy I actually mean quite dark and dour. And when I say zany bucket of laugh bubbles, I really mean people dying and everything being quite grim.

So not a comedy?

Harry Styles from One Direction is in it.

Is he funny?

No.

Dunkirk will be released in the Summer of 2017.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 29. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – Dropping in on the Studio Exec’s EXCLUSIVE breakfast nook, master manipulator and filmmaker Christopher Nolan dished the dirt on his new movie project Dunkirk as he made intricate Escher constructions of his Belgian waffles.

Christopher Nolan is famous for his carefully constructed puzzle like movies from Memento to Interstellar, his Dark Knight trilogy to the dream espionage of Inception but sitting in our favorite Denny’s 5751 Sunset Blvd I see the child I knew all those years ago who I watched one Christmas complete a 750 piece jigsaw in less than thirty seconds. He was four at the time.

So Chris, you have just announced your new project. Dunkirk. What attracts you about this story?

Initially, we were locked to make the Jenga movie (Click Here for that story) but I’m sorry to say it fell through at the last minute.

Ha!

What?

Nothing.

So then I was looking around for another subject. I was attracted by the idea of doing something totally different. I’d done thriller, Science Fiction, Film Noir and comic book so I wanted to tackle something I’d never done before. At first I was working on a musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me with Jonathan [Nolan], but with Creed and Southpaw it occurred to me that there were too many boxing musicals around. So then we thought, I’ve never done a war film and the idea of Dunkirk came up in conversations.

The sounds great. Epic. 

What I like about it is that many celebrated moments in British history are about failures. The Titanic sinks, the charge of the Light Brigade was a dumb massacre, Scott loses the race to the South Pole and dies coming back, Mallory and Irvine die on Everest. Dunkirk is essentially heroic, but it is a heroic retreat. A heroic defeat perhaps.

I see. And it sounds like a more straightforward proposition as a narrative.

You would think it would be but actually the story Jonathan and I are working on might end up being strangely ambiguous. We posit the idea that this turning point in the Second World War might actually all have been an elaborate bluff by the Germans that went wrong.

Go on.

The high command of the Wehrmacht want the British to get to their boats but only so they could be destroyed. However, a crack unit of British dream commandos, led by Tom Hardy and tutored by Michael Caine, go into the sub-conscious of the German pilots and force them to think of the fleeing British as pretty flowers that are too beautiful to pick. The whole film is told backwards and there is also a great story that emerges that actually Adolf Hitler was working for the British but in the deepest imaginable cover.

That’s very controversial. 

He’s not the hero we want. He’s the hero we need.

But he killed millions.

Deep, deep cover.

Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk will be released in 2017. For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN EXPLAINS THE ENDING OF INCEPTION

LONDON – Memento and Interstellar director Christopher Nolan, speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, just gave the definitive explanation fo the infamous ending of Inception.

Christopher Nolan has for years been a director who has fascinated audiences with his elaborate and layered puzzle boxes of film, but in an EXCLUSIVE interview he sat down with the Studio Exec and spoke about the ambiguous ending of Inception.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s character Cobb has managed successfully to plant the inception into the dream of his target and his team awake from their slumbers and pass unmolested through US customs. Here, it seems that his murder charges have been dropped, or erased, because Cobb is met by his father-in-law. Now here the first warning bells should sound that this isn’t exactly reality we’re dealing with. The last time we saw his father-in-law was in Paris and there’s no reason he should be at the airport. Plus another clue is that he is played by Michael Caine an actor who first came to fame in a film called Zulu. Although he made a name for himself with Zulu, the star of that film was actually Stanley Baker. A baker is someone who produces bread, pastries, cakes and pies. The most proverbially American food you can have is American Pie. American Pie was a comedy directed by the Weitz brothers but also a song by Don McLean released as a record in 1971. Fourteen years to the day, Dead or Alive released another ‘record’ (which is also another way of saying memory in Italian) which was called You Spin Me Round (Like a Record). When Cobb arrives at his home and meets his children who are the same age as they have always been, he places his totem on the table to check whether he is dreaming or not and he ‘spins’ it right round, ‘like a record’. Recall that the exit strategy for each dream was a music cue played by a record. This was considered a ‘Cure’ for the dream state. The Cure also released records throughout the eighties and nineties and none more interesting than the album The Top. And what does Leonardo DiCaprio have but a spinning ‘Top’. In the eponymous song from the 1984 album, Robert Smith who will be played by Sean Penn in This Must Be the Place, sings:

Every day I lie here,
And know that it’s true
All I really want is you
Please come back
Please come back
Like all the other ones do

So what we learn from this is that it is obvious that Cobb might be dreaming, but then again maybe he isn’t.

Christopher Nolan’s new film Jenga will be released in 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – He is the enigmatic director of Inception, The Dark Knight Trilogy and the upcoming Interstellar, but who is Christopher Nolan really?

What are Christopher Nolan’s dreams like? Is it true that he has an iguana called Stephen who makes all his decisions for him by moving across a Twister floor mat? NO. That’s exactly the kind of nonsense we want to get rid of at The Studio Exec, so prepare your brain pads to receive the returning helicopter of FACT, and watch out, there are casualties.

1. When 12 years old, Nolan invented the Jenga game which he originally named the CONFUSERATOR. However, Paul Rudd had already invented it and so Nolan received no money from the idea. As an adult Nolan would attempt to make a film on the idea (CLICK HERE for more on that story) but it collapsed after someone over-enthusiastically removed one of the lower most blocks.

2. Christopher has three brothers. Jonathan: a script writer who has worked on many of Christopher’s films, Matthew, who is successful in the world of shoes, and Wayne Nolan, who is locked in East Wing of Nolan Towers, the crumbling family pile and is only seen by his nurse Tik. For a short time in the 80s the four brothers performed as a barber shop quartet called the Nolan Brothers until they were eclipsed by the more famous Nolan Sisters, who are – ironically – their sisters.

The Nolan Brother (with Tik)

3.  Christopher Nolan’s first film was a black and white art house effort called Miener Houser Baader Miener Hoffer Gang, about a man who for the life of him can’t remember the name of the German terrorist organisation that terrorised the world in the 1970s.   

4.  Nolan is a committed advocate of film and the IMAX experience. When a sex tape was leaked onto the net of Nolan and his producer wife going at it, Nolan insisted it also be shown in Imax, impressing everyone with width, length and girth. 

5.  Little is known about his new project Interstellar, except that it is a science fiction film. But now Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Interstellar is actually Memento, which – ironically -Nolan has no memory of making. Jonathan Nolan gave him the script of Memento with a new title page when he was drunk and has yet been able to rectify the mistake.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!

RENEE ZELLWEGER WILL NOT BE IN INTERSTELLAR

MONTREAL  – Casting news for Christopher Nolan‘s new project Interstellar broke out like a fresh case of web wide hives this week.

Following on from the news that Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway had both finalized their participation, came the shock revelation that Renée Zellweger had been turned down for a role and would not be appearing in the upcoming Science Fiction extravaganza.

Nolan released a statement to the press earlier today stating that:

Usually it would be-hove to me to say something about how I admire the talent of the actress in question and how I look forward to working with her at the earliest opportunity but for this project due to scheduling etc. it just wasn’t possible. However, the truth is I just don’t think she’s very good. 

Many instantly lept to Ms. Zellweger’s defence, including Eva Mendez, who said the director’s comments ‘were graceless, unnecessary and unprofessional.’ Nolan responded that Eva Mendez was ‘rank’ as an actress. When Danny DeVito tried to say something Christopher Nolan turned up at his interview and pushed him over before running away, laughing.

However, he did make Inception.  

IMDB THEME PARK DUE IN 2018

 

Peggy Sue Got Married Ride

The Internet Movie Database otherwise known as IMDB has announced it’s first theme park will open in Orlando, Florida in summer 2018.

 
The Studio Exec sat down with the owner Col Needham to ask him about the exciting project.
 
Col. Why a theme park?
 
It’s something I’ve been developing for over 10 years. I went to Disneyland Paris and it was so disappointing I thought, we can do better than this.



What didn’t you like about Disneyland?
 
It was just old hat. Boring rides, overpriced hot dogs and those creepy characters in costumes wandering around. I mean, who really gives a shit about Goofy and Pluto? Most kids these days wouldn’t recognize them in a police line-up!
 
So what is IMDB’s take on the theme park experience?
 
Well for one we have an enormous pool of movies to draw from. We also want to give the ticket buyer an experience they never had before so many of our rides are incredibly dangerous.
 
Dangerous?
 
Yeah. In fact there is like a 70% chanced you will be killed or maimed which is why you have to sign a waiver before you enter.
 
Interesting. Can you reveal some of the attractions?
 
Sure. We have TheShawshank Redemptionwhich is an underground log flume through a river of raw sewage. The idea behind Inception isyou’re plugged into the mainframe and you have to kill the other participants in their dreams. Dr Strangelove is a good one that involves you riding an atomic bomb dropped from a plane and there’s also The Schindler’s List Experiencebut we are having some legal issues with that one.
 
Wow. What does that involve?
 
You really don’t want to know. The original concept broke several protocols of the Geneva convention
The Apocalypse Now ‘Never get off the boat’ Ride

 

Sounds great. What would you say is your personal favorite?
 
I like The Apocalypse Nowride. It was designed by John Milius and it’s a kind of Ghost Train on water. We were a bit heavy handed with the napalm last week and several members of our crew were burnt beyond recognition but it all worked out. We had their dental records.
 
Well I must say Col I’m looking forward to it. Thanks for the interview.
 
No problem. It was my pleasure

CULKIN TO STAR IN ‘HOME ALONE 6: INCEPTION’.


HOLLYWOOD – Troubled former child actor Macaulay Culkin has signed up to star in Christopher Nolan’s re-imagining of the Home Alone franchise.


Home Alone: Inception will feature Culkin reprising his role as Kevin McCallister- now a 30 year old alcohol and substance abuser being treated by a psychiatrist (Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson) for his childhood abandonment issues and traumatic experiences with known criminals.

Unable to find a way to reach him, the psychiatrist decides to use a new experimental procedure which involves Kevin entering his own mind and recreating the house from the original movie. The psychiatrist then implants two burglars (once again played by Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci) into his psyche and Kevin has to set up increasingly elaborate booby traps in order to fight them off. If he is successful, he will be cured of his problems. If he fails, he will be lobotomised.

“I’m really excited,” said Culkin. “Christopher has given me an opportunity to get back in the game and even though my own personal problems are rooted in the Home Alone series and that camping weekend I spent with Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch. This is my chance for redemption.”

Chris Nolan, on the other hand, was a little more apprehensive:

If I catch Culkin smoking crack in his trailer again I’m going to have him killed.


Home Alone: Inception is due for release in 2014

HANS ZIMMER: ANYONE WHO PLAYS A TUBA OWES ME $50









CHICAGO – Hans Zimmer made the extraordinary announcement this afternoon that anyone who plays the tuba or the trombone, owes him $50. ‘The way I figure it,’ the Frankfurter said, waving his baton, ‘Before I came along you assholes were all playing the flights of the bumblebees, now after the score I did for Inception, it’s ommpha this and ommpha that.’
Marcus Hawley of the Los Angeles chapter of the Tuba and Trombone Players Associated Guild said: ‘He’s not wrong. We all owe him gratitude and yes possibly some money as well.’
The use of tuba and trombone parts has gone up by 76% in trailers and scores according to the Institute for the Collection of Tuba Related Statistics.
Mr Zimmer said he had a list of the addresses of everyone who plays tuba or trombone and he would be coming round on Friday afternoon, commenting ‘You better have my fucking money.’