CLINT EASTWOOD SENT TO NEGOTIATE FOLLOWING SWEDEN INCIDENT

STOCKHOLM – Clint Eastwood travels to Sweden to help with aftermath of the Sweden incident.

Donald Trump has dispatched veteran actor Clint Eastwood to Sweden where he is to serve as a negotiator following the Sweden Incident. Despite attempts by the mainstream media to ignore the case, it emerged last night that a major incident occurred in Sweden after all the furniture in IKEA somehow achieved consciousness and was recruited by ISIS. Eastwood – the chair whisperer – has unique qualifications to talk the home furnishings back from the brink.

Haagan Daz the Swedish Prime Minister today issued a statement of appreciation to the US President:

This is the worst case of everything since the Bowling Green Massacre.

Clint Eastwood’s latest film American Diaper will be released in 2018.

KANYE WEST CAPTURED IN IKEA

SWEDEN – Kanye West, hip hop artist, fashionista and future presidential candidate, has been captured in IKEA in Almhult, Sweden.

The capture of Kanye West comes after a month long attempt by Scandinavian authorities to capture the hip hop star and keep him away from the general public. The Swedish Foreign Secretary said:

Here in Sweden we are usually extremely tolerant, but Kanye West is what you Americans call I believe a ‘blowhard’. And we have become increasingly irritated with him. It started all the way back at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift. And Beck. Poor Beck.

So you captured him in an IKEA?

Yes, the plan was simple. Unbeknownst to most people the original IKEAs were designed during the Second World War as a defence against the invading armies. They were basically labyrinths with furniture. It didn’t take much to retrofit an IKEA into an impassable maze and then lure Kanye with praise and money. He really doesn’t have much apparently.

And now?

Once inside the IKEA it is almost impossible to get him out. I mean we can’t go in to get him because we would get lost, so he will stay in there for the rest of his life.

You’re fucking kidding!?

No, we’re not. He will survive because of the meatballs and the salmon that we left for him on little paper plates. He will live to a ripe old age, but he will never get out and never be able to release a record ever again. Unfortunately, he will still be able to tweet.

Kanye West will be appearing in the IKEA in Almhult for the rest of his life.

MADS MIKKELSEN AND CLINT EASTWOOD SIGN UP FOR IKEA: THE MOTION PICTURE

STOCKHOLM – Following a long drawn out pre-production period, Ikea: the Motion Picture will finally start filming in March.

The film plots the rise of the Swedish home furnishings giant with Mads Mikkelsen starring as Ingvard Kamprad, the founder who gave his initials to the company name. Clint Eastwood will play his father, a mystical figure who has a special relationship to the furniture.

‘To my father,’ Ingvard wrote in his autobiography Flatpack. ‘A chair was not just a chair, it was a person. If anyone sat on the chair my father would have a fit. Literally a fit. Foaming at the mouth and everything.’

Originally, it was a pet project of Ingmar Bergman, but having written and rewritten the script he abandoned it. ‘It would seem to be working but then I would get home and there would something missing,’ wrote Bergman in his biography The Eighth Seal and Counting.

Clint’s best friend

From Bergman it moved to famed Italian director, Sergio Leone, but Leone was offered the chance of making Once Upon a Time in America and so passed on the project. It was rumored that Kubrick had plans to take the project forward – declaring it ‘sublimely boring’ – plans which were tragically cut short by his death.

Finally Steven Soderbergh has agreed to film it because ‘I have nothing to do this Wednesday.’

Ikea: the Motion Picture will be released in 2015.

CLINT EASTWOOD ARRESTED IN IKEA

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran film actor and director, Clint Eastwood was arrested this morning at an IKEA store in Northern California.

Staff who witnessed ‘the man with no name’ star, said he appeared to be confused and Captain Arsens of the Carmel Sheriff’s Office said that Mr. Eastwood had made inappropriate comments and then actions to a POANG blond wood chair footstool combination with optional leather cushioning  which sells at the price of $89.
Staff were alerted by customers that the 82 year old was scaring children who in turn called the police when the Where Eagles Dare star refused to desist and became agitated.
Store Manager, Boris Offly, stated:
I knew he was Dirty Harry, but I didn’t know he was this dirty.
A spokesperson for Mr. Eastwood said the Invictus director had been behaving erratically recently, even going so far as to endorse ‘some Mormon or other’ for the US presidency.
Clint Eastwood’s new film Trouble with the Curve will be released later this month. Mr Eastwood himself should be released later today.