DANIEL CRAIG’S LAST BOND FILM GETS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig will appear in his last appearance as James Bond, 007 in Never Say Never Again Again.

So Idris Elba, Tom Hardy and Tom Hiddleston will have to cool their heels a little longer. Daniel Craig has confirmed he will be donning the tuxedo one more time. He came to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about it.

So here we are again. How’s it going?

Fine, Dan, fine. Tell me about the new Bond film.

We have a title. As you know we’ve run out of books, so we’re going back to remake Thunderball again. We’re calling it Never Say Never Again Again, because that sounds like the situation I’m in.

Why do another one? You obviously didn’t enjoy Spectre.

Fair question. Yeah, I was a bit grumpy about Spectre, because it is very physically demanding. Also the film itself turned out to be quite dour. This one we’re going for a whole new effect. I want it to be as funny as the Roger Moore films and as well put together as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sam Mendes doesn’t want to direct anymore, so we’re currently searching for a director. I like Jim Jarmusch, or failing that David Lynch.

That would be a change.

Yeah I know. Ultimately, Bond needs to change if he’s going to survive. Fior instance, I also want the film to recognise that I’m older now. So I’m going to be doing a lot of sitting in comfy chairs and instead of foot chases, we’re going to have a chase on segues.

What about Christopher Nolan as a director?

I don’t know. He feels a bit young and untested.

Never Say Never Again Again will be released in 2020.

QUENTIN TARANTINO TO DIRECT NEXT BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino today confirmed that he will be directing the next James Bond, although it is still unclear who the next Bond might be.

Following the news that Sam Mendes won’t be directing the next James Bond outing, speculation has been rife as to who will take over the job of helming the most successful and long running cinema franchise in the history of film.  It looks like today that question has been answered with an EXCLUSIVE interview with Quentin Tarantino.

So Quentin, it looks like you got the gig.

I did indeed. It’s no secret that I wanted to direct a James Bond film since the very beginning of the Daniel Craig years. I laid out my ideas very clearly: Casino Royale but done in period and very faithful to the novel. They took on half of that idea but since then I’ve not stopped talking to Barbara [Broccoli] and the 007 team and when it became clear that Sam Mendes wasn’t coming back then I thought I could step in once more.

So what will be the story and who will be Bond?

Let’s be clear about this. Barbara runs the show. I’m gonna throw in my suggestions and I’m gonna write the script but the direction of the story, the casting and all of that is out of my hands. I’m pitching a remake of Thunderball. It’s the film that was done a couple of times and for various copyright reasons it was never really resolved. And as for Bond I like the suggestion of Idris Elba and I love Michael Fassbender, but if I really had carte blanche I’d have Samuel L. Jackson. He’s so good. I mean suave and dangerous.

What are the chances that Daniel Craig might stay on?

I don’t know. We need to have that conversation and I know that he’s really all about the script so I’d be eager to sit down and talk him through my ideas. But I can also tell him right now that there’ll be a lot more swearing and a bit less violence. But the violence will mean more if you know what I mean. And I want to put in the humor again, like the old Roger Moore Bonds.

Thundermotherf*ckingBalls will be released in 2018.

DANIEL CRAIG TO BE PART-TIME 007

HOLLYWOOD – In a ‘turn up for the books’, James bond 007 actor Daniel Craig has revealed that he is to go ‘part-time’ as the most famous British secret agent.

Daniel Craig spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his decision to dial down his commitment to James Bond.

I’ve been a full time James Bond for eleven years more or less. The hours are killing me. So I talked to Michael Wilson and Barbara Brocoli and we decided that I could ease off a bit.

How does that work?

I’m going to do three days a week and that will leave me more time to write my Scandinavian crime novels, do a bit of gardening and start prepping Cowboys and Aliens and Pirates with Jon Favreau.

Sounds great.

The screenwriters are going to put in a new character called Timmy Mallet and he’ll take up the slack for me. He has a large mallet and hits people on the head with it to hilarious effect.

That explains the title.

Yeah. So I’m sorry Mr. Hiddleston and Mr. Elba. You’re going to have to wait a little while longer.

Bond Meets Mallet will be released in 2018.

IDRIS ELBA IS THE NEXT DOCTOR WHO

LONDON – Idris Elba has emerged as the bookmaker’s favourite to take on the coveted role of The Doctor in the next season of the BBC science fiction series, Doctor Who.

“It’s definitely Idris,” said a studio insider:

If it isn’t, there will be an outcry. He’s a black actor and the next Doctor has to be black, or a woman, otherwise the BBC will be heavily fined by the equalities commission.

Pictures of Elba wearing a scarf and eating Jelly Babies are already circulating on social media with fans reacting both positively and negatively to the news:

Idris can put his sonic screwdriver in my Tardis any day of the week.

@superflicious3

I’m glad they’ve finally chosen a Doctor of African origin. However, Idris has a moustache and the Doctor cannot have a moustache!

@Cheesedreamer9

It should have been a woman this time around. It can be a black guy next time and I really hope to see a Native American Doctor by 2036.

@Fudgelooper

Elba and Chill?

@Netflixaddict99

I’d love to be his new ass-istant. Lolz

@Creamypantsxxx

The Doctor is just one of many classic English roles Elba will be playing over the next few year including James Bond, Sharpe, Blackadder, Mr Darcy, Thomas Cromwell, Sherlock Holmes and Grant Mitchell from Eastenders.

VENICE DIARY 2: JOHNNY DEPP

VENICE – In Venice, on the Lido, Italy – our very own Studio Exec wanders dazed among the stars and the paparazzi to bring you this latest report.

Goddamn Italian food. They stole Pizza from us. And now they steal spaghetti and meat balls too! And you cannot find a Starbucks anywhere in this God forsaken hole! Still, the fizzy grape juice is delicious. But I’m not here to talk about that I’m here to talk about the 72nd Venice Film Festival and all the films I’ve seen. Well first thing, if I had a star system (and I don’t) everything would be three stars. Nothing great, and worse still nothing completely rotten.

Beasts of No Nation: Was kind of depressing, looked beautiful, bits of savagery and  was way better than Season 2 of True Detective. Plus Idris Elba was and is amazing and should forget about James Bond and stick to acting in good films. Jesus Christ, Pierce Brosnan could play Bond and he can’t even play ping-pong.

Frankofonia: Wandering around the Louvre with Sokurov, a muttering Russian film director. It was funky but when he said: ‘It’s almost over, bear with me’ he won my first gut laugh of the festival. And it was of relief.

Looking for Grace: They find her.

Black Mass: It wanted to be a classic. It looked like a classic. But Goddamned Johnny Depp and his love affair with his Goddamned make up artist and costumer continues unabated. He looks like Nosfer-f*cking-atu. For all the talk of a comeback to serious acting, I’d like to see behind the curtain. Just once,can we have a performance from the man that doesn’t involve the word ‘unrecognizable’ in the review.

That’s it. I’m off for something they call ‘gelato’, that looks an awful like ice-cream to me.

The 72nd Venice Film Festival continues.

STEVE JOBS TO STAR IN AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON

HOLLYWOOD – Former Apple chief and certified genius Steve Jobs will have role in Marvel’s Avengers Age of Ultron, Idris Elba revealed today.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Elba confided:

I can’t say too much because I’m already in hot water with Joss Whedon and Kevin Feige for shooting my mouth off. However, if you promise not to tell anyone I can tell you about the surprise star of the film, Steve Jobs.

Wow!

Yeah. Steve has been taken up by Ultron (James Spader) and his death faked and he’s been helping Ultron and his plans for world and indeed inter-galactic domination.

Who plays Jobs?

What do you mean who plays Jobs? Jobs. It’s Steve Jobs. The actual guy.

I don’t understand.

Just the same way Ultron faked Steve’s death, so Kevin Feige and the cats at Marvel did the exact same thing for the real Jobs and now he’s paying them back by appearing in the latest Avengers. This will be the best resurrection since Jesus or at least Bobby Ewing.

That’s whack!

I know. But Marvel is now an all powerful organisation.

So Jobs is like an evil henchman?

At the beginning yes. He’s like the brainy guy, but what he really does is take all of Ultron’s original ideas and spins them from a design point of view and then takes all the credit. Like in the trailer when Ultron says ‘No strings on me’, Steve gives him that line. He is a branding genius.

How does Steve feel about Christian Bale pulling out of the Aaron Sorkin scripted biopic?

That was all Steve’s doing. You see he has always wanted to play himself in the film, so he would appear at Christian’s bedside every night growling and cursing until Bale gave in. Now Steve will appear, but for the sake of secrecy they’ll say it’s Daniel Day Lewis or Michael Fassbender. Steve’s psyched about the movie because he loves Seth Rogen.

Avengers Age of Ultron will be released in 2015.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE BAFTAS

LONDON – The Studio Exec is at the BAFTAs this evening which is kind of like the Oscars if the Oscars said ‘pavement’ and ‘fancy a cup of tea vicar’.

Here are 5 FACTS in an envelope and ‘I wish to thank….’

1. A BAFTA has suffered from inflation in recent years. In the forties a BAFTA was worth three Oscars but now you need seventeen BAFTAs to get an Oscar on the open market.

2. BAFTA stands for British Affable Fellows for Tea Association. It was formed in the 1930s to promote tea etiquette following the 1927 cup and saucer riots of Old London Town, which was actually destroyed in the riots to be rebuilt into the London we know today. BAFTA promoted affable tea drinking until it got bored and turned its attention to the ‘flicks’.

3. Celebrating British film has been difficult because the most of the stuff is ‘frightful tosh featuring spotty oiks in stiff collared shirts’ The New Yorker. However, due to new rules if a film is touched by a British person it immediately becomes a British film, (see Gravity).

4.  Many people are celebrating this year as a vintage one in British cinema with such film as The Selfish Giant, Gravity and Philomena competing this year. Next year will see the release of a film which combines characters from each film as a young child rescues fallen space debris to attract his long lost Irish mother who keeps saying ‘fecking eejit’ in an amusing way.

5. Tom Hiddleston, Mark Strong, Benedict Cumberbatch, Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba and Chiwitel Ejiofor are all actually German except for Fassbender who’s Welsh.  

For more FACTS click HERE.

ROBERT REDFORD PROBABLY WON’T WIN BEST ACTOR OSCAR

HOLLYWOOD – News coming in that Robert Redford will probably not win the Best Actor Oscar for his role as ‘Our Man’ in All Is Lost. Redford joins Oscar Isaac and Idris Elba in the WTF? corner.

The news of Robert Redford’s disappointment came hard on the heels of the revelation that Inside Llewyn Davis wasn’t particularly well directed and that there were at least nine, if not more, better films released in 2013. 
The Coen Brothers issued a joint statement earlier today: 

Our reaction to the news, after some time of painful reflection and introspection, is to go on a massive cocaine binge and we suggest Mr. Redford do the same. We know he’s in Utah now at the Sundance Film festival, so he shouldn’t have any trouble finding some snow. If you know what we mean.  

Fortunately science has proven that the Oscars are ‘a bunch of bullshit’ according to a study by Colombia University, though that might come as scant consolation to those who have failed to win nominations and are thereby unworthy to lick the boots of those who have. 

The Oscars will be broadcast on television.

THE WIRE MOVIE IS GO

BALTIMORE – David Simon‘s classic HBO crime series The Wire is finally going to hit the big screens next year after a long period in development hell.

Director Harmony Korine has been entrusted with bringing the multi-layered and subtly wrought socio-political portrait of inner city America in free fall to the screen.

He spoke exclusively to Studio Exec last night:

I really respect what David Simon did with his five seasons, but this is a movie and there are going to have to be some changes. Plus he’s like almost dead he’s so old. He’s fifty or something. And what kids want to see today is young voices like me. Uncompromising and unflinching, bringing a hard look to the world of hard drugs.

 How will the film differ from the TV show?

In the TV show there were all these old people, Idris Elba and Dominic West and what have you. None of them wearing bikinis, I’d note as well. None. So in my film James Franco will be the oldest member of the cast. He’ll be the drug king pin and then we have Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus as the girl cops fresh from the academy who have to pose as strippers in a lap dance joint where they make their entrances suspended above the stage on a … wait for it … wire! Right? As part of the..investigation thing.

The Wire will be released in 2015. 

HBO, FOX, SHOWTIME AND AMC ACCUSED OF KIDNAP

 

House

NEW YORK – A whole series of American TV channels have been accused of kidnapping British drama school students when they are only children and transporting them to the States, where they are kept in cages and forced to adopt semi-convincing American accents, before appearing in gritty drama series.

Hugh Laurie was taken when he was only fourteen years old.

Many are too scared to speak out. And plus once the shows begin and the money starts to become quite good then they get used to the swimming pools and they don’t look back. It’s really the swimming pools that get you in the end. 

Idris Elba

Idris Elba and Dominic West were taken from the same school by David Simon and trained for three years before being released onto The Wire:

Neither one of us had ever been to Baltimore, nor for that matter the US. And there we were in the middle of a gripping and honest expose of the American drug war. Only two years earlier we had been playing cricket on the old village green, while our old mother (God Bless her) slapped the chickens.     

Damien Lewis was the latest to be kidnapped and brainwashed in scenes ironically reminiscent of the whiplash plot of his hit TV series Homeland. He joined Andrew Lincoln from the AMC show The Walking Dead in an attempted escape, but it was foiled when they realised the guns they were carrying only fired blanks and they were lured back to their respective shows with strategically placed buckets of money.

TOM HANKS IS THE NEW SHAFT


HOLLYWOOD – With the gossip grapevine buzzing with news that James Bond producer Barbara Broccoli has met Idris Elba to discuss him taking on the role of 007. Tom Hanks has confirmed he has signed on to play Detective John Shaft in Rob Marshall’s upcoming Shaft in Baghdad.


We caught up with Hanks in his crib to ask him about taking on such an iconic role.

Mr Hanks. This will be your first time working with Rob Marshall. How is it going so far.?

Sheeeet,man, that honkey mus’ be messin’ my old lady got to be runnin’ col’ upside down his head!

Indeed. So what do you say to people who think you are too white to play an intrinsically black Icon?

Hey Holms, I can dig it! You know I ain’t gonna lay no mo’ big rap upon you man!


Shaft in Baghdad will be the first release by ‘Color Blind’ pictures. A liberal and progressive production company founded by Matt Damon and Spike Lee who have a raft of projects lined up. These include Robin Hoodwith Denzel Washington. Andrew Garfield is to take on the role of Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Chow Yun-Fat will play Superman’s father Jor-El in the upcoming Justice Leaguefilm.

Damon himself is rumored to be circling the role of Bruce Lee in Scorsese’s One Inch Punch. An upcoming biopic of the legendary martial arts star.

Shaft in Baghdad will be released in 2015.