MOSUL – It was revealed today that the terrorist group Islamic State are terrified at the prospect there might be an Ice Bucket Challenge launched against them.
The radical Sunni Islamic sect Islamic State (aka IS, ISIS and ‘the greatest existential threat we’ve ever faced since that asteroid Bruce Willis gave his life destroying’, British PM David Cameron), it has emerged, is absolutely terrified of the Ice Bucket Challenge. The Ice Bucket Challenge was launched in 2014 and effectively ended amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (aka Lou Gherig disease) within weeks of Steven Spielberg and assorted celebrities tipping water over themselves and challenging others to do the same. Now it is rumored that the force of the IBC is to be unleashed on the brutal terrorist group Islamic State, who now quiver with fear at the prospect of internet celebrity splashing.
The Studio Exec’s Middle East expert John Milius had this to say:
The threat of the Ice Bucket Challenge is two fold. First of all there is the huge weight of public opinion thrust against them. Essentially the Ice Bucket Challenge is the Fatwah of the Western World when it comes to this kind of shit. The second is that they will be nominated to actually do the Ice Bucket Challenge. These are hardened Jihadists, but they really hate the feeling of being doused in ice water. It’s why they live in Syria and Iraq to start with, and not Norway.
The chances of an Ice Bucket Challenge being launched in the next 32 minutes is currently 45%.
HOLLYWOOD – The Hollywood Celebrity Guild announced today that there would be no Ice Bucket Challenge in support of Ebola victims because the disease was just ‘a little bit too icky’ and it ‘weirded us all out’.
The news came when it was revealed that the self-aggrandizing instagram fueled charity phenomena would not be repeated for a disease which as of October 15 has seen 4,493 fatalities out of 8,997 cases in West Africa, the worst hit region, according to World Health Organisation figures.
Bono and Sting are currently sitting down with Angelina Jolie and Steven Spielberg to see if they can work out some wacky way celebrities can help while still taking Selfies.
Delbert Pittigul of the HCG told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
This is a doozie! I mean obviously this is a terrible disease and people are dying but the thing is how can we make it sexy and fun? Hard right? We can’t dump ice water over our heads because many of these victims are Africans and so the iced water is a little insensitive given the shortage of clean drinking water in many areas. And even if we do come up with some wonderful stunt that’ll look good on YouTube, I mean look at it, we can’t even try to make it go viral, because well, Ebola is a virus. And that’s the last thing you want, Ebola going viral, right? If only Ellen DeGeneres was here now.
Meanwhile, those engaged in satirical websites carry on the tireless battle to rid the world of evil.
HOLLYWOOD – Tragedy struck today, as the ice bucket challenge claimed its first victim: Mighty Ducks star and film director, Emilio Estevez.
Estevez has been nominated by Jean Paul Vincent and was – friends reported – excited to fulfil his role and donate some money to a good cause. The bucket was prepared and all seemed to be going well when the ice bucket was dropped, but then Estevez collapsed in some sort of fit and something was obviously terribly wrong.
A spokesperson for the Cedar Mount Hospital said:
A man was rushed to hospital and we can confirm that it was indeed the Mighty Ducks star Emilio Estevez. Reportedly a bucket of ice was dropped on his head as a video camera captured the moment. But it turned out Mr. Estevez was allergic to ice.
Our medical expert, Dr Eugene Palley told the Studio Exec, that though ice allergy is extremely rare, ‘It does actually exist and isn’t just some crap you made up.’
What people don’t understand is that the ice bucket challenge has a whole slew of dangers. The dangers of hypothermia, heart attack, bucket concussion. I’m delighted to say this was just an accident waiting to happen and hopefully will be a lesson to all those participating in this ludicrous narcissism thinly disguised as philanthropy to be careful to nominate people they really, really don’t like.
The world media was stunned, though the surprise was due mainly to the fact that the fatality was Emilio and not Charlie, who earlier this week had done the same challenge but knowing his medical history with ice was dubious he used money instead. Now many are calling for the dangerous ice bucket challenge to be made illegal and anyone who has previously done the ice bucket challenge to be arrested and put in special detention camps indefinitely.
Emilio Estevez was 52.
HOLLYWOOD – Assorted celebrities and do gooders were feeling very pleased with themselves today as news came in that the Ice Bucket Challenge had succeeded in curing a number of previously incurable diseases, eliminating famine and bringing world peace to the benighted regions of the world.
Bill Gates pointed to the results that the #IceBucketChallenge have accrued as answers some critics who claimed it was yet another example of Slacktivism:
I didn’t invent Microsoft by sitting around moaning all day about not having invented Microsoft. No far from it. I had to get up and do it. Likewise people have been going on for years about how terrible cancer, leukaemia and leprosy are but it wasn’t until a bunch of rich people poured buckets of ice water over their heads that all these diseases were finally cured. The same with the Gaza strip. There was a hellish amount of violence going on then Steven Spielberg gives himself the old ice shampoo and whoosh, peace descends.
Robert Downey Jr admitted he was frankly amazed by the efficacy of the viral craze:
Initially I just thought it was going to be a bit of fun. I love having a joke and not taking things to seriously, like acting and what not. But when the incidence of child mortality plummeted and then George Clooney phoned up and told me the Sudan was sorted and all because of me and my little ice bucket.
However, some have admitted there are limits to the powers of the Ice Bucket. Hugh Jackman told the Studio Exec:
It only works if the person doused is adequately famous. Mike Myers has been drenching himself on a daily basis but alas Aids is still with us.
Ice Bucket Challenge: The Motion Picture will be released in 2016.