LONDON – Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler.

X-Men enemies and men of the theatre Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen reunite as perhaps the most famous men of the theatre, Statler and Waldorf in a spin-off stand-alone live action Muppet movie called  Waldorf and Statler

Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler. Following the rejuvenating popularity of The Muppets, studio heads were casting around for ideas to cash in on what has at times been a faltering franchise. The idea to place the balcony docked curmudgeons centre stage was a stroke of inspired accountancy.ian mckellen patrick stewart

Speaking from his London dockside home, Sir Ian said he was delighted.

When Andrea [Arnold] approached me for the part of Waldorf at first I thought this has to be some sort of joke, or better still a dream. Come on pinch me. Is it? Well, no it isn’t. It’s real. And I can say that one of my greatest ambitions has been realised. After this I might well consider retirement, because it will be difficult to top. Then again Peter Jackson is planning another five films with Gandalf.   

Sir Patrick Stewart was no less effusive. 

There comes a time in every actor’s life that he goes through his little check list. Hamlet, done, Vladimir, done, Uncle Vanya, done, Dr. Xavier, done. And now has come the time to take the black marker pen and place a large tick beside Waldorf. 

But you’re playing Statler?

Am I? Oh. Well then, Statler, done. Ha ha.

Fishtank and American Honey director Andrea Arnold is more noted for her social realism, but confessed to looking forward enormously to the project.  

All that social realism stuff’s great for the festivals but 1. it really doesn’t make much coin and 2. All these bloody poor people bore me rigid. I need a bit of Mahna Mahna!

Waldorf  and Statler will be released in December, 2021. 


HOBBITON – Following the universally despised The Hobbit Trilogy, Peter Jackson reveals he is to return once more to Middle Earth to realize his dream project: a complete reboot of The Lord of the Rings.

If you thought you’d seen the last of Middle Earth, think again as Peter Jackson is currently preparing a remake of his own trilogy.

The Lovely Bones director swung round the Studio Exec Hobbit Hole to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I was finishing up the last effects shots of The Hobbit and we’d been in discussions about what to do next. Fran reminded me of the Tin Tin film, but frankly I haven’t heard from Steven since 2013, so I think we’ve both decided to write that one off. Then it came to me why not go back to the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

A remake?

Yes. I’m very proud of those films, but re-watching them I realize there’s so much that I had to leave out.

Like Tom Bombadil?

Exactly like Tom Bombadil. There’s a whole musical number to be done there. Look at the start of The Hobbit. We kept the music in that film and I think everyone can see that it really worked. Not to mention the fact that there’s a whole generation who have yet to see them. And who wants to see an old man like Orlando Bloom when we can get Andrew Garfield in. We can show these films 25,000 frames per second and in 3D IMAX.

Will there be any significant changes?

As I say the originals do hold up, but I’m going to divide them into three films each, because there’s a lot of material in the appendices. And who doesn’t love appendices?

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship will be released in 2018 with Lord of the Rings: Of the Ring due in 2019. 


HOLLYWOOD – Following the unveiling of Charlie Chaplin as a Nazi, the Studio Exec has discovered that British comic actor Peter Sellers was also possibly a member of a far right group as can clearly be seen from this photograph taken in 1969.

Peter Sellers was already famous for his portrayal of Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther and A Shot in the Dark when he was apparently seduced by the tenets of National Socialism, probably by old Goons colleague Spike Milligan. Stanley Kubrick, who worked with Peter Sellers on the film A Clockwork Orange in which Sellers played a number of parts, said of Sellers:

Peter is a wonderful actor, capable of comedy and drama and anything. And as a human being, he is a very interesting man, and apparently Aryan. Or at least that’s what he keeps saying.

How many secret Nazis are hiding, or have hidden, in Hollywood?

Here is a short list:

Charlie Chaplin

Clint Eastwood

Peter Sellers

Gregory Peck

Ian McKellen

Malcolm McDowell

Bruno Ganz


HOLLYWOOD – Ian McKellen’s long awaited John Holmes biopic is proving a disappointment according to early reports.

Mr. Holmes tells the story of legendary porn star John Holmes, played by Gandalf actor Ian McKellen, but many fans of the well hung  porn star (also known as Johnny Wadd) are complaining that the film takes too many liberties with the known facts of Holmes’ life.

Resident porn expert, Fannis Onanis made his moral outrage abundantly to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

To begin with Ian McKellen – great actor though he undoubtedly is – is simply too old for the role. John Holmes died when he was forty four, so the idea that we see Holmes reminiscing as an old man … it just doesn’t make sense. And then there’s the period. Johnny Wadd is a symbol of the seventies and American. But here we have him in a frock coat in what looks like turn of the century England.

But isn’t the film actually based on…

And then there’s the sex, or the absolute lack thereof. I mean John Holmes was just dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Morning, noon and night. And yet here there’s just a lot of plodding about, detecting. It’s almost as if the filmmakers wanted to make a film about an entirely different person altogether.

Mr. Holmes is on current release.


For Your Consideration

As award season approaches veteran ham Sir Edwin Fluffer shamelessly campaigns for the recognition he doesn’t really deserve. Here are just a few of his performances from the last year that the Academy won’t find difficult to ignore:

The Hobbit
I had a small but memorable scene in this little picture with that twinkly old darling Sir Ian McKellen, or Serena as I found he doesn’t like to be called. I played his doting father, Gandalf The Greyer, who insists his son wraps up warm before setting off on his big adventure. 
The 3D scarf and matching gloves I had to give him were almost frighteningly realistic. It’s a shame that my cameo didn’t make the final cut, but if they’re running short on Part Two or Part Three they can always pop it in later I suppose. The director, Peter Jackson, was an absolute sweetheart. I would tickle him under the chin and he’d chuckle like a little baby. In the end he had to ask me to stop it because we weren’t getting any work done.

Django Unchained
Let’s just say that westerns have changed a bit since my appearance all those years ago in Apache Chaps! Being the sort of actor who’ll do anything for money I was delighted to be on set with my dear old friend Samuel L. Jackson. We had a lovely chat and I told him all my favorite stories, like the time Gabby Hayes accidentally shot one of my fingers off, and dear old Sam said ‘shit, who is this guy? I can’t understand a word he’s saying!’ That’s Sammy for you: we just fell about laughing! Some of the language was a little ripe for my tastes and I did raise that with the director so I hope he’s turned it down a bit. I’ve not actually seen it yet, but I hope they’ve kept in the bit where I fall off the horse: it was an accident waiting to happen, but very funny. 
Young Leo DiCaprio actually wet himself.


WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films have been hit by the economic crisis and have had to make cuts which are already evident from the trailers.

Expensive CGI special effects have been replaced by lumpy cartoons, sock puppets and the dwarves and hobbits have all been magically reduced in size by brutal medieval ‘aesthetic amputation’ methods.

Fran Walsh – Hobbit and Lord of the Rings screenwriter – moans: ‘Oh Jeez, we’ve had to cut so many corners. We employ children and we pay them in sweets. And we can’t afford Sir Ian McKellen so we’ve just re-cut some out takes and we’re trying to slot them in.’
Concerns over safety issues were raised however when Martin Freeman who plays Bilbo was rushed to hospital after falling over in a suit made entirely of mirrors, cutting himself badly. ‘That was the invisibility special effect,’ Freeman said, weeping piteously like a little girl. ‘I think I killed Gollum.’
Instead of the convoluted process of creating via a combination of CGI and motion capture, Gollum will be played by an unusually large frog that Peter Jackson has been stretching with his own hands.


HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan have swapped faces due to a mix up in Botox injections at a high end Malibu aesthetical correctional facility, Doctor Ralph Inguanos’ Shack.

Soon after the kerfuffle, the two actresses were horrified to find themselves sitting opposite each other at a charity dinner, organised to buy George Clooney more motorcycles. The George Clooney ‘I haven’t got enough motorcycles’ Foundation had just sat down to anitpasti when there was a horrified shriek from the table where the two actresses were sitting.

Sir Ian McKellen – on a nearby table, a cracker half raised to his lips – sat transfixed in horror as he stared at the two women: ‘It was fucking bull shit man,’ recalls Sir Ian. ‘These two wonderful fresh faced women had just become a fucking John Travolta Nic Cage Sci Fi John Woo directed thriller travesty of their former selves. Face off, mothefucker!’

Anne Hathaway, who was also at the lunch, had to be taken to hospital suffering from excessive glee.

Ms. Kidman’s agent Hostel Macalvoy said that the two ladies had agreed to appear in each other’s movie until the effects could be reversed. ‘I already have calls for a Freaky Friday style rom com,’ said Hostel. ‘And let’s face it freakk is the new chic.’

When Harry Met Sally 2 is due for release in 2016.