HUMAN CENTIPEDE TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – The Human Centipede will host the Academy Awards ceremony – also known as the Oscars.

Following Kevin Hart’s decision to drop out of the Oscars, speculation exploded as to who the new host would be with more than a million people killed in the ensuing excitement. However, now the emergency hospitals can breathe a sigh of relief as a replacement host has stepped forward: The Human Centipede.

We spoke with The Oscars. Here is that:

We’re so happy here. Not only is the Human Centipede the star of three blockbuster films – Human Centipede, Human Centipede 2 and Human Centipede 3 – but they (preferred pronoun) also ticks the boxes when it comes to representing diversity. Some of it is black, some white, some Latino, some is LGBTQ. Actually, the Human Centipede would prefer a longer acronym but we didn’t quite understand what they said.

Many believed that Billy Crystal would take over. Anyone wondering what the Oscars are can go over to Wikipedia, where it says:

The Academy Awards, also known as the Oscars, are a set of 24 awards for artistic and technical merit in the film industry, given annually by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS), to recognize excellence in cinematic achievements as assessed by the Academy’s voting membership.

Asked to comment the Human Centipede mumbled something. The Green Book will win.

The ceremony will take place on February 20th.

ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY TO MAKE EDGAR WRIGHT ANT-MAN DOCUMENTARY

HOLLYWOOD – Surrealist director Alejandro Jodorowsky will direct a documentary chronically the ill-fated Edgar Wright Ant-Man film.

Famed El Topo director Alejandro Jodorowsky turns his attention to another filmmaker in a new documentary about Edgar Wright’s unfinished Ant-Man movie. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Jodorowsky had this to say:

I love cinema. But more than cinema even I love the impossible cinema of the incomplete. No film is more pure than the unmade film. This was seen already with my version of Dune. Then there was even Rob Schneider’s version, which I would have loved to have seen. Edgar’s version of Ant-Man is another of these invisible visions. A silent echo of a master imagination, which we now only hear hushed voices speak of. edgar wright

Edgar Wright signed on to direct Ant-Man for Marvel and he and Joe Cornish wrote a screenplay. However, when Marvel wanted to have a rewrite Wright wrote it couldn’t be rewritten. Jodorowsky continues:

Wright had worked on Ant-Man for eight years. It was a project close to his emotional core. The vision he pursued looked to change the history of cinema as we know it. Imagine what Paul Rudd, in the hands of a master such as Wright, could have become. How he would mould him. Change him. Instead Peyton Reed came along and just made yet another Marvel film. I was sick to my stomach when I saw it.  It is a missed opportunity to put beside Stanley Kubrick’s Napoleon movie and Steven Spielberg remake of The Human Centipede.

Alejandro Jodorwsky’s next film is Barnacles.

FAMILY FILMS FOR THANKSGIVING

HOLLYWOOD – First off and right off the bat, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! There I done and said it.

Now you ate the turkey? Good. You talked to your relatives? Great. You punched Uncle Dwayne in the throat and left him sitting on his ass in the yard, wheezing for breath? Check.

So perhaps it’s time you settled the whole family down around the flat screen television and put on a film for the whole family to enjoy, from little Timmy Jr to Grammy Elspeth and this is where the Studio Exec comes in to guide you to Happy Family Thanksgiving Viewing.

1. The Act of Killing: Joshua Oppenheimer’s documentary takes as its subject matter the mass murders that followed an unsuccessful coup attempt in 1965 Indonesia and eventually led to thirty years of Suharto and military dictatorship. The murderers themselves have never been brought to justice, but in a stroke of mad genius they are persuaded to re-enact their atrocities for the camera and in so doing come to recognize to some degree the dark evil they perpetrated. The kids are crying; everyone’s upset. You never knew there was such darkness in the world. No? Well, maybe…

2. Prisoners: Send the kids out to play down the street near that creepy looking RV while you watch this gripping drama, featuring Hugh Jackman and Jake BlinkingHaal. Jackman is a father who’s child goes missing during a Thanksgiving Dinner when… Wait, where are the kids? Jesus Christ, where’s the RV gone? Timmy! TIMMMMY!!

3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Now, we’re on safe ground. John Candy, that big guy always makes me laugh. And there’s Steve Martin and he came out of the womb with grey hair, crazy feet and probably playing the banjo, because he’s you know multi-talented. Fantastic. I guarantee by the end of the film you’ll be weeping, and if you want to weep a little be harder, thinking that the massive talent who made this then went out turd out Home Alone and Home Alone 2. Yeah, I know. Sniff. Get’s me every time. Why, John, why? WHY!??

4. The Human Centipede Trilogy: I know what you are going to say, surely this isn’t appropriate! But think a while. All that food, the pumpkin pie, the turkey with all the trimmings, the endless potatoes, it all has to go somewhere so why not give the family a few ideas about the digestive tract. Thanksgiving is a time for feasting but it also a time for a healthy slice of body disgust and what would be better than Tom Six’s grotesque classic.

5. The Crucible: Daniel Day Lewis and Winona Ryder have sex and we don’t get to see it. And that isn’t the only disappointment. All those cartoon versions of the Pilgrim fathers, the founders of this great nation are made cuddly with tradition and time so why not add a corrective in Arthur Miller’s wonderful play that shows what a bunch of bigoted assholes they really were. You could also watch Little Big Man or 1492 to see how the Thanksgiving we enjoy cost the indigenous peoples of this fair land … well, basically everything!

Happy Thanksgiving from all here at The Studio Exec.

THE ENTOURAGE CENTIPEDE

HOLLYWOOD – Following the huge success of the Human Centipede series and the successful crossover of the Entourage TV show to the big screen, it was only a matter of time before The Entourage Centipede was announced.

The Entourage Centipede will feature Hollywood star Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier) and his coterie of hangers on and pals being sewn together with agent Ari (Jeremy Piven) getting pride of place at the front and the hilariously apt Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) eating recycled food somewhere in the middle.

Director and writer Tom Six spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve done the mad scientist bit, then I did the grungy voyeur and then I did the prison in the latest Human Centipede, but I’ve always had this idea that The Human Centipede was actually a metaphor for Hollywood. And when I saw the Entourage movie, I couldn’t help but think this isn’t just shit, this is shit someone else has eaten and is being shat into my mouth from their anus! Which is basically the script for the new movie.

How did you get everyone on board?

Well, I spoke to Doug Ellin and I explained my concept to him and how I thought it would fit in with his story and his characters. Basically the idea is Vincent gets the role in a new horror movie, only to find out the crazy European director is actually doing things for real. At first he was skeptical, but this slow smile spread across his face as the MDA I put in his drink took effect and before I knew it we had a deal. He said he already had a script for Entourage 2, but with the addition of just a couple of my scenes, it would work perfectly.

The Entourage Centipede will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.