AVENGERS 4 WILL KILL OFF EVERYONE

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel big boss Kevin Feige revealed that Avengers 4 will kill off the entire cast.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Marvel president Kevin Feige promised that the next Avengers film – Avengers 4 – will be a character blood bath.

First, we’ve looked at all the superhero films around and we’ve seen that audiences are getting tired of this stuff. There’s a point that comes where they want some kind of closure. So, for the next Avengers movie we’ve decided on a radical solution. A kind of WTF finale. Where everyone dies! Do you get it?

Wow!

I know. I first got the idea from watching Game of Thrones. You see those guys came up with a brilliant idea. You have established characters everyone knows and loves and they seem to be on a journey. And then BHAM! They’re dead. Or squish, in the case of the guy who got his head caved in.

Oberyn Martell?

That’s the guy.

So you’re going to kill them all off?

Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk Thor.

The Black Widow?

Who?

Scarlett Johansson. 

Oh yeah. Definitely.

Aren’t you worried that telling us this will spoil the movie?

Telling everybody? I’m only telling you SE. Hey, you’re not going to tell anyone are you?

Er. No.

Good. You got anymore shrimp. These are delicious.

Avengers 4 will be released in 2018.

MARVEL LAUNCH 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNEL

NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.

They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:

This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.

Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:

Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.

The Marvel News Channel will  begin broadcasting at the end of the week.

MARVEL FILMS ‘BASICALLY LIKE THE WEATHER’

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel films have now become basically like the weather, a new study by scientists from the internet has reported.

With an ever increasing crop of Marvel films every year – Ant-Man and The Avengers: Age of Ultron have already hit the screens – the prevalence of superhero films from the Marvel stable has rendered them basically the same as the weather.

Dr. Rupert Magget of the Weather Channel told the Studio Exec:

There are tribes in the Amazon rain forest that have never spoken on a telephone, never seen a television and don’t have a word in their language for Frappucino. And these tribes are looking forward to the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel and talk about nothing but when the Black Widow is going to get a stand alone movie.

How do you explain this dominance?

Some would say that the ruling ideas of any epoch are the ideas of the ruling class. Actually Karl Marx would say that. So if we look at what Marvel produces, stories about small elite teams of individuals being given carte blanche to do anything and justified by a constant state of terror which is always threatening to destroy the world but actually doesn’t then … well, I don’t know. Tony Stark is a one percenter, Captain America is someone for whom the Second World War never actually finished and the Hulk is someone who destroys cities with apparent impunity. All of these are supported by a mysterious NSA style organisation with a huge budget.

But some would say that the Marvel films are critical of themselves and investigate these very points.

Perhaps. But what is interesting is that when we talk about the Marvel Universe, we’re not just talking about a fictive space in which many different stories exist in the same geographical and historical space, we’re also talking about an ideological uniformity that is actually quite fascistic. Look at Iron Man, we’re concerned about his state of mind, his state of being and ultimately everything is resolved because of his ability to apply force, rendering all other questions null and void.

Jesus. This got really serious.

I’m just a weatherman.

Okay. So what has this got to do with the weather?

Well, that’s just about how many Marvel films we’re getting. And not just how many but with each film we get a round of trailers, first glimpses, photos, rumors, interviews, it’s just endless. Now, like weather, it just kind of blends into one thing.

What about the DC Comics Universe?

I don’t know what that is.

Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange and Guardians of the Galaxy 2 are all due out in 2016.

KEVIN FEIGE ON MARVEL PHASE 3: ‘NO SUPERHEROES’

HOLLYWOOD – Following the successes of Captain America: Winter Soldier and The Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel revealed yesterday that Phase 3 of the plan to take over the Movie universe will lack one ingredient most audiences would have thought essential: superheroes.

Continue reading “KEVIN FEIGE ON MARVEL PHASE 3: ‘NO SUPERHEROES’”

EDWARD NORTON REVEALS WHY HE LEFT HULK

HOLLYWOOD – Troublesome actor and the not incredible per se Hulk, Edward Norton has announced his retirement from film acting in order to concentrate on developing ever more effective anti-virus software.

The Fight Club organizer said:

It started off as a hobby really. I was a dabbler, writing stuff that detected malware, eliminated Trojans and blocked pop ups. Pretty soon I was providing tools to scan and clean up your registry and supply back up. Before I knew it, the whole thing was industry standard. And so it came to me, do I want to make The Hulk 2 or do I want to throw myself body and soul into the world of Anti-Virus software?

Fan Josephine Applebury expressed dismay:

Edward Norton is what we had before Tom Hiddleston turned up. He’s the dangerous wimp for women who need someone to proof read a bi-annual report or make them a stir fry. And to think he’s gone into anti-virus software writing just shows the depth of his soul. We will miss him. I swear to God.

However, he won’t be the first actor who has turned his back on fame to work in the trenches of computer programming. The once mediocre Orlando Bloom is now spending every waking minute on producing a version of Free Cell that will waste even more time. Norton’s not even the first Hulk to do so. Eric Bana abandoned a flagging film acting career in order to develop the voice activated software which later became Siri used by Apple on their iPad and iPhone.

Whether Norton decision is final, or he is Soderbergh-ing remains to be seen, but one thing is sure, wherever there is a virus or invasive piece of software, Ed Norton will be right behind it holding a claw-headed hammer.

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