HUGH GRANT CAN ACT

HOLLYWOOD – The world of showbusiness is reeling following revelations that Hugh Grant can act.

Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant was accused yesterday of being able to act. The news came following the airing of the HBO Max series The Undoing, in which Grant stars alongside Nicole Kidman. Initially, sources close to the star denied the rumors. Reynard Maspensa Grant’s agent of over fifty years issued the following statement:

Reports circulating that my client can act are a cruel fabrication. You only have to watch Nine Months or Mickey Blue Eyes to know there is not a crumb of truth to these assertions. Instead, Mr Grant while filming the series The Undoing was on a pain medication for his back, a condition he has suffered from for many years. And a side effect of this medicine does lend a certain verite to performance which was entirely unintended.

Fans were at first unbelieving. Then angry. Billy Mopes, President of the fan club Grant Approval, told the Exec:

I couldn’t believe it. All my life I’ve dedicated myself to watching movies in whcih Hugh Grant barely musters the energy to act like he wants to be there. And now what’s this? He’s playing a character? It goes totally against what his many fans – Barry and Marie – want. Some are saying this is not as bad as Cloud Atlas, but it’s much worse. Cloud Atlas was at least a bad movie. This is actually quite good.

We asked Hugh Grant for comment but he headbutted me and kicked me down three flights of stairs at his waterfront residence in Malibu.

The Undoing is on HBO Max.

FELICITY JONES IS THE NEW DEN MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – Rogue One star Felicity Jones is the new den mother for ex-pat English drinking club The Jolly Bastards.

Felicity Jones takes over from Emilia Clarke as the new den mother of The Jolly Bastards. The Monster Calls and Rogue One star had this to say:

The Jolly Bastards are legendary. I’ve always been a bit starry-eyed, but to actually belong to the group is a dream come true. Emilia did a wonderful job and will be a tough act to follow. As tradition dictates, I killed a swan and used its head as a weapon as we fought on a greased pole with Emilia. It was a tough fight.

Begun in the 1930s as a slapping club for Cary Grant and David Niven, the Jolly Bastards has achieved notoriety for allegations of Swan murder and even human sacrifice. The LAPD for many years tried to bring charges, but were always confounded by the ‘delightful accents’ of the suspects. Emilia Clarke’s mothership of the group has seen an unprecedented shift in the diversity of the Bastards. Once seen as a bastion for male misbehavior the Bastards now features a number of feisty young English women, such as Emily Blunt and Keira Knightley. They can smash up restaurants, inflate cats and ignite policemen as good as Charles Dance.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

RHYS IFANS MADE HIS OWN NAME UP ‘TO WIN A GAME OF SCRABBLE’

CARDIFF – It was revealed today that actor, Welshman and comedy relief in Notting Hill, Rhys Ifans ‘made his own name up to win a game of Scrabble.’

You will know him as Hugh Grant’s funny flat mate Spike in the hilarious 1999 comedy film Notting Hill, but Rhys Ifans has been in other films as well, according to reports, and is even currently starring in a version of Under Milk Wood. But in an EXCLUSIVE interview with the Studio Exec Mr. Ifans – pronounced Ivewghy – confessed that his whole fame and career has been built on a precarious foundation and even his very name Rhys Ifans is a dirty lie that has stained his soul.

Tell me about the name Rhys. That’s a very interesting name. Did your mother give it to you?

No, there’s a funny story right there my lad. You see, I was at university see and I was playing Scrabble with some of my girlfriend’s friends and I was always very nervous of making a good impression and we were losing. They had just put down Xenophobe on triple word score and there was verily nothing that I could do about it. I had ‘RHSYIFASN’ and I couldn’t, not for the life of me, think of a word that that combination of letters, that veritable alphabet soup, could combine to produce so I put down Rhys Ifans.

What happened?

They were bloody furious. What’s that? they were all shouting. ‘Here, you can’t do that!’ But I said ‘I bloody well can’ and I told them that it was my name. I told them that it was my name and so I could. And I started adding up the score. I’m a big fellow and I won’t be crossed when I get baity. One of the them started saying that you couldn’t haven’t proper names in Scrabble and that it didn’t count, but by heaven I gave him such a look he crawled right back into his shell.

So you’ve been going around forcing journalists to learn how to spell Rhys Ifans and that’s not even your name.

No it isn’t. And I’ll tell you something else for afters. I’m not even bloody Welsh.

You’re in Under Milk Wood.

I know but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m actually from Croydon. You see all my life I’ve been a liar. Sometimes for the hell of it; other times for my own advantage. People say ‘Oh that’s just Rhys being difficult’ but even that’s a lie. I’m not even difficult. I’m a little fluffy bunny rabbit in reality, but I just act like a bastard to get everyone’s goat and because it makes good copy.

You could have had Syrians.

What?

Rhys Ifans. Syrians, double word score. Looks tasty. 

Shit.

Under Milk Wood is in theaters.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ TO BE ‘FIRST GERMAN JAMES BOND’

HOLLYWOOD – In a casting move which shocked the world, Oscar-winning actor Christoph Waltz has been cast to take over from Daniel Craig in the role of James Bond, 007.

The news came from esteemed English newspaper the Daily Mail, which claimed that Daniel Craig had been ditched at the last minute, due to his insistence on inserting his own self-penned ballads into the script (for more on the Daniel Craig’s musical Bond CLICK HERE).

Series producer Barbara Broccoli told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Daniel has been a great Bond. In Casino Royale and Skyfall especially. The Quantum of Solace was hampered by the writer’s strike but that’s history now. However, as we approached the shooting of Bond 24, he began to express some concerns about the script. He’d seen Les Miserables and really liked it and wanted to put some songs in the film which he would sing. Unfortunately he had to go and luckily Christoph was available.

Why Christoph Waltz?

It’s a radical choice. We were thinking of Idris Elba and having the first black Bond, or even Carey Mulligan and the first female Bond, but in the end we decided to go one further and in casting Christoph Waltz we’ll be making history in having our first German Bond!

How is that going to work? Isn’t James Bond quintessentially English?

No, not really. He wants to be English but he’s actually part Scottish, part French. Why not also part German? And to think of all those inner demons he has to struggle with. It will add to his character. And the villain,  Sir Charles Falkland Islands, played by Hugh Grant, will use that to undermine him.

Bond 24 will start shooting in December and is due for release in 2015.

BANKSY REVEALED TO BE HUGH GRANT

LONDON – Infamous street artist and director and subject of Exit Through the Gift Shop, Banksy has finally revealed his true identity to be none other than Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant.

The Mickey Blue Eyes star told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It started off as something of a joke, a way of relaxing. I was coming home from a late night with Alan Rickman one night and I said, ‘Here’s larks Alan. Lets paint two policemen snogging!’ Well, Alan thought the idea ripping. The next morning I woke up and the clothes I was sleeping in were specked with paint and I had a vague memory of doing something naughty. It was only when I was on my way to get the paper that I saw the mural and realised what I’d done.

So it was initially an act of light hearted vandalism?

Quite right. A jape if you will. But it soon became more serious. I started thinking in images and I do like and admire street artists so I began to emulate them and I became much more ambitious and as I did my image became progressively more political and even revolutionary.

Did you ever fear you’d be found out?

Not after I got caught with the prostitute. I knew that was the perfect ruse. You see the media had me pegged as a floppy haired fop with a taste for the rough. A perfect cover for what I was becoming: a latter day William Blake, a visionary visual artist with a thirst for overcoming social injustice and thumbing my nose at the authorities. I would sit on the set of About a Boy and doodle new ideas. Once Renee Zellwegger spotted my notebook, but luckily she was squiffy and couldn’t make much sense of it. Bless.

What inspired you to reveal yourself now?

I want to start getting some more credit. I know I’m not the best actor in the world, but my street art has really gained recognition. There’s a deleted scene of Exit through the Gift Shop where I reveal who I am but we cut it out because we knew that everyone would think it was a joke and I’m tired of being one of those.

Hugh Grant’s new one man show Banksy and Me will be showing at the Old Vic in 2015.

HUGH GRANT BUILDS HUGE WOODEN TEMPLE TO HIMSELF

CAMBRIDGE – Hugh Grant – media activist, friend to the tabloids and ‘actor’ – has announced plans to build a huge wooden temple dedicated to the worship of himself.

The Mickey Blue Eyes star will start construction on the massive project in the Spring following the passing of planning permission by the Gloucester County Council. 

The temple is based on an Inca temple where human sacrifices regularly took place. Mr. Grant – star of such films as Sirens and Nine Months – said that he wasn’t planning on sacrificing anybody, ‘although there are a few photographers I’ll happily murder p’ha, p’ha, mmmmmm!’

The news comes as part of a disturbing trend of Hollywood actors turning themselves into objects of fervent devotion. Already the Church of the Latter Day Randy Quaids has grown exponentially and is now the biggest religion in the world surpassing more traditional covenants such as Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
‘It is mainly based on his role in Kingpin,’ said church elder, Charlie Bread.
Tom Cruise – a famous actor – also decided that he wanted to set the record straight about Scientology which many regard as a dangerous cult.
‘It is a dangerous cult,’ he said.
Grant in the meantime denies.

JUDE LAW’S SECRET CLOUD ATLAS ROLE

TORONTO – Anticipation gave way to bafflement when the hugely ambitious Cloud Atlas showed at Toronto earlier in September, but it still has some surprises left including a secret performance by ‘actor’ Jude Law.

The multi-narrative epic spans centuries and genres from nineteenth century period drama to modern day thrillers and finally science fiction craziness. Actors Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and Hugh Grant play multiple characters who even change race as they fit into each segment but one surprise has been left until last and that is the inclusion of Jude Law. He isn’t on the cast list, or the credit roll, but all the same Mr Law is on screen and – like Hanks and Berry – he too plays more than one role, but you can be forgiven for missing him.

 His performance is being acclaimed as a career best, but the humble Mr. Law shrugs it off. ‘I’m just playing myself,’ the Alfie star demurs. ‘It was easy.’

Cloud Atlas 2 is due for release in 2016