DOLMIO: JARED LETO AS SPOKESPERSON

BREAKING NEWS – It will come as no surprise to anyone who has seen Ridley Scott’s House Of Gucci that Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their ‘International Spokesperson’ and ‘Pasta Sauce Ambassador’ earlier today. The Exec caught up with the actor and the Mars Incorporated subsidiary Public Relations to find out exactly why Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their leading man.

 

Please Tell Us Why Dolmio Confirmed Jared Leto As Their International Spokesperson?

Dolmio PR (DPR): Don’t forget that he’s also our Pasta Sauce Ambassador. We wanted someone who we think can bring our wholesome, great tasting, authentic Italian styled food across to a huge, international consumer base on a global basis, crossing demographics worldwide. So, when we saw House OF Gucci, we just thought Jared was our man from the get-go.

Jared Leto (JL): Plus they’re paying me an obscene amount of money to do so. Far more obscene than anything I’ve ever been alleged to have done with anyone…

DPR: (Whispers in Jared’s ear with their hand over the microphone)

JL: Although I must stress the word alleged. Nobody has managed to prove a fucking thing yet. Out of court settlements baby. YEAH!

Jared, What Attracted You To The Dolmio Brand?

JL: Well, I was prepping for House Of Gucci like a mofo, ya dig? I was snorting lines of arrabbiata sauce. I had olive oil for blood. My skin was parmesan cheese. But I just couldn’t nail the accent down. And then I saw this British sit-com called ‘Allo ‘Allo. Have you seen it? It’s like this hyper-real deal set in France during WWII. There was this Italian soldier called Captain Alberto Bertarelli and his accent was the tits. I tell you man, it was out of this fucking world. I started copying that and badda-bing! Before you know it, I’m like Bobby De Niro, talking Italian. Italy is in my blood now. And of course, don’t forget the money.

What Will You Be Doing For Dolmio?

JL: I’ll be playing a real family man, capiche? I got the accent and dialogue all locked down like a pro. All you have to do is start and finish every word you say with an A. It’s so fucking easy. Here, let me get into character and demonstrate-

DPR: This interview is over.

JL: Whatsamatteryou? Hey? Goddanorespect!

House Of Gucci Is Currently Showing In Cinemas

AL PACINO REMOVED GLASSES SHOCK

Hollywood – The movie world is reeling today after Al Pacino removed glasses from his eyes upon the heartless instructions of blood thirsty journalists. The incident took place at the New York premiere of Ridley Scott’s latest film, House Of Gucci. Onlookers were stunned as Al Pacino removed glasses, complying with the vicious demands from baying journalists and photographers. Lady Gaga, who is starring alongside Pacino in the movie, tore into the photographers in a four letter-filled tirade of abuse.

Al Pacino Removed Glasses WTAF!

The nightmarish scene played out in full view of movie fans, A-listers and journalists alike. Cuddly Al, was wearing his customary cool shades, so photographers ordered him to remove them. Upon taking his glasses off, Lady Gaga who was with him on the red carpet, unleashed a foul-mouthed rebuke. ‘You put those fucking glasses back on your face Al. Hey you. Yeah, you. Who the fuck do you think this is? He’s Al Fucking Pacino you piece of shit. Why don’t you come up here and let’s go a few rounds. Bafangu, you lousy mook.’

Lady GrrGrr

Lady GaGa then leaped from the red carpeted stage into the crowd of photographers, throwing kicks and punches indiscriminately while shouting, ‘Who wants it? Have it, you pieces of shit.’ Then a group of well-rehearsed publicists pulled her out of the melee. Meanwhile another group of well-rehearsed publicists distributed cash amongst the injured and bleeding paparazzi.

Oh Shit, It’s Jared Leto

Those close by swore they could hear Al Pacino say upon removing his glasses, ‘Wait a minute, is that Jared Leto? Because I thought they said Jay Leno. Was I just in a picture with that wrong’un?’ Then he put his glasses back on and spent the entire premiere sat at the back of the theatre with his arms folded. Those nearby could hear him muttering about his ‘fucking agent’ and ‘Joe Pesci’s got the right fucking idea’.

House Of Gucci Is Now On General Release

THE ODD COUPLE REBOOT IS CONFIRMED

MOVIE NEWS – The long-mooted The Odd Couple reboot gets the green light after spending years in development hell. The Neil Simon classic comedy that originally starred Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau has a fresh script penned by Damien Chazelle and will be directed by Sofia Coppola. The Odd Couple reboot will star Lady Gaga and Adam Driver.

The Odd Couple Reboot Casting

Fans of the original Neil Simon comedy classic will be surprised to see Lady Gaga take on the Walter Matthau role. She will play Maddison Oscar, a divorced journalist enjoying the single life. Driver will play the Jack Lemmon role of Felix Unger, a sensitive soul who has just been dumped by his long-standing partner and is struggling to come to terms with single life. Maddison agrees against her better judgement to take in her best pal until he gets back on his feet. But there are hilarious consequences when chalk and cheese live together. The Exec spoke to Lady Gaga and Adam Driver about their new roles.

Lady Gaga And Adam Driver In The Odd Couple? How Did That Come About?

(AD) ‘We had such a blast working together on Ridley’s House Of Gucci, we knew we simply had to get together on a project as soon as possible.’ (LGG) – ‘Uh, yeah, I guess. The money was right, so I thought, fuck it. Why not?’

Adam, You’re Taking On The Jack Lemmon Role?

(AD) ‘That’s right. We thought it would be such a gosh-darned hoot if we played around with what everyone would expect. People think of me as a bit dour and straight-laced. But what if I played the more liberal-minded Felix role? Wouldn’t that be a whole heap of fun? (LGG) ‘Plus I found it so much easier acting like you constantly annoyed me. That just came real natural to me, you fucking douche-bag.’

I’m Sensing Some Friction Between The Two Of You?

(AD) ‘Oh, that’s nonsense, because we get on like a house on fire. Don’t we GeeGee? (LGG) ‘How many times have I told you not to FUCKING CALL ME THAT?’

The Odd Couple Reboot Starts Shooting In The New Year

JARED LETO’S HIGHSCHOOL INSPECTOR

Jared Leto’s Highschool Inspector disguise is actually his costume and makeup from the new film House Of Gucci. The Oscar winning actor was found roaming school corridors, claiming to be an inspector. But when Jared Leto’s Highschool Inspector disguise was questioned further, he claimed he was ‘doing research for a book’.

 



Jared Leto’s Highschool Inspector Disguise “Totally Not Creepy”

Representatives for the actor advised that he was innocently doing research for a book. But when The Exec asked what the book was about, they struggled to answer. “It’s um, a book about um… HIGHSCHOOL, yeah that’s it. All perfectly innocent. It’s totally not creepy at all.”

 

There’s Madness In The Method

The Exec then pressed his representatives on why he was using his costume and makeup from House Of Gucci, in which he plays Paolo Gucci. “He thought it would be funny. And he was researching a part in a new film. You know what these method actors are like, they love pretending they’re someone else. They also love sneaking in and out of places undetected. So, the fact you’re questioning his research for a new role isn’t actually that cool, man.”

 


Didn’t You Say He Was Writing A Book?

“He can do both at the same time, if he wants to. He’s researching a role about someone who writes about being in Highschool, dressed as a middle aged man. God. What’s so difficult to understand about that? And again, it’s totally not creepy at all. It’s all completely innocent. We must stress the word ‘innocent’. We can’t say the word ‘INNOCENT’ often enough. And of course any out of court settlements that happen to be made are in no way any indication of guilt or liability. Because there’s nothing to be guilty about. Or liable for. So that’s all cleared up nicely.”

 


What Is The Title OF The Film Jared Is Researching?

“Oh my god! What’s that behind you? You should totally look behind you right now. You’ll never see anything like this EVER AGAIN!” Jared Leto’s representatives then jumped out of the window and ran away.

 


HOUSE OF GUCCI IS RELEASED IN NOVEMBER.