SERIAL KILLER INTERIOR DESIGNS (PROMOTIONAL POST)

HOLLYWOOD – A rare promotional post that helps keep Studio Exec afloat.

Hi, I’m James Gumm, managing director of Serial Killer Interior Designs. We are the leaders in this exciting new field of cutting edge innovation, design and vision.

Our team of highly trained experts will lead you through the step by step process of taking your unused living space, your cellar say, or your cellar, and turning it into your very own Serial Killer Den.

Whether it’s the clean modernist lines of a Girl with the Dragon Tattoo murder room, the industrial wasteland of the Hostel movies or the more traditional collection of broken dolls, religious memorabilia and bone sculptures of Seven and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we have ideas and plans to serve even the most depraved tastes. 

Partially decomposed body in a bath? No, problem. Collections of snakes in shoe boxes? You’ve come to the right place. Jars? I think we’ve got some lying around.

So don’t hesitate: contact us today and take advantage of our special Southern Gothic offer to celebrate True Detective, made entirely of twigs.

‘It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.’

ELI ROTH IS THE NEW DARIO ARGENTO, CLAIMS ELI ROTH

HOLLYWOOD – Director of the Death Wish remake and The Green Inferno Eli Roth is the new Dario Argento, Eli Roth stated today.

Eli Roth is famous for eyebrows, gory movies and more eyebrows. Breaking out with the Hostel movies and Cabin Fever, he’s back with a Bruce Willis starring remake of the revenge thriller Death Wish.

He came into the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the claims that he’s the American version of Italian horror maestro Dario Argento.

I really think Eli Roth is the US version of Dario Argento.

You’re talking about yourself in the third person.

I know. Eli Roth often talks about himself in the third person. He considers it a post-feminist tribute to The Third Man.

But what is this bunk about you being Dario Argento?

Eli Roth really is the new Dario Argento. Think about it. He makes horror movies. As did Dario. They both have an o and an r and an i in their names. They both have hands. The similarities are endless.

Do you think you’ve made a film as good as Profondo Rosso or Suspiria?

Eli Roth refuses to split hairs. Mr Roth has left the building.

Death Wish is out this week.

ELI ROTH A LOCK FOR NANNY MCPHEE 3

TORONTO – Renowned horror director and eyebrow model Eli Roth let slip that his next film would be the long awaited Nanny McPhee 3.

The 43 year old Hostel director Eli Roth ended months of speculation in a private EXCLUSIVE conversation with the Studio Exec in which he confirmed he would be responsible for bringing to a close the McPhee trilogy:

Ever since I started making movies I’ve wanted to contribute to the Nanny McPhee universe. I mean, who wouldn’t? We met with Emma and though she didn’t seem to know who I was (thank God!), she was really nice and we drank tea and ate cucumber sandwiches. I shit you not, it was classy.

It’s something of a departure for you. 

Is it? Maybe. I’ve always wanted to make a children’s film. If you look at my movies, a certain childlike quality…

You mean they’re infantile.

Yes! But more than that. The common thread I think, is that we’re both, Emma and I, interested in the ugliness of life. And as much as I admire the first two films, I will be bringing something new. Dare I say ‘Rothian’ to the mix.

Nanny McPhee and the Sadistic Green and Red Cellar is due for release in 2018. 

ELI ROTH: GREEN INFERNO FIRST OF THREE COLORS TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Horror maestro and Mr. Eyebrows 1997, Eli Roth today announced that Green Inferno was but the first in a ‘Three Colors Trilogy’, in imitation of Krzysztof Kieslowski’s famous Three Colors Trilogy.

Eli Roth, director of Hostel and Cabin Fever, revealed today that his latest film – The Green Inferno – is just part one of a projected Three Colors Trilogy. Slipping into the Studio Exec Bungalow ealry this morning, he sat in the dark watching us sleep before announcing his presence.

The first film is of course The Green Inferno, partly because of the green of the rainforest and also because of the ecology, the politics of the young people who go there and find themselves embroiled in a terrible fight for survival as they are beset by cannibals. The second film in the trilogy is going to be The Blue Inferno. Here, we have some oceanographers who are researching the famous plastic bottle island. Again there is a sense of environmental responsibility but now it is a group of mutants who attack them and rend their flesh. The twist here is that the mutants were originally extras working on Kevin Reynolds Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner, who were left behind when the movie wrapped and went feral.

What about the third film?

The third film is going to be called The Red Inferno.

Ah! Because of blood?

No, because it is going to be set on Mars. A group of ecologists are taking it to the next level. They are worried about not only saving the planet but saving all planets. Worried abvout a spike in temperatures on the planet Mars they travel there in an attempt to draw attention to global warming on Mars. But unfortunately they are captured by Tim Robbins and Gary Sinise who are still there following Brian dePalma’s tragic Mission to Mars.

Jesus!

I know.

And how does this tie in to Kieslowski’s Three Colors Trilogy?

Kieslowski has been an influence on my whole career. Look at Hostel: Part 2 and you’ll see it’s basically a remake of A Short Film About Killing. I always wanted to match the maestro’s breadth, but until now I was unable to find the subject matter that would suit such scope, but now with Green Inferno, Blue Inferno and Red Inferno, I think I’ve got it.

The Green Inferno is on general release.

ROMNEY PREPARES FOR DEBATES BY WATCHING TORTURE PORN

WASHINGTON – An aid to Governor Romney said that in preparation to tonight’s historic Presidential debate, the Romney camp screened the Hostel trilogy and The Human Centipede: 1 & 2.

‘We did start by you know doing talking points and memorizing statistics, but then Mitt got bored and so to get him in the zone we watched some splatter,’ said Tobe Mickell.

The move seems to have been taken straight from the Obama camp playbook where it is well known that President Obama often indulges in Saw marathons before keynote speeches.

PIXAR BUY RIGHTS TO TOXIC AVENGER

SAN FRANCISCO – Animation studio Pixar have secured the rights to the 1984 Troma movie The Toxic Avenger, along with possible sequel rights.

According to in-house sources, the studio was disappointed with the critical reception of its last two films Cars 2 and The Brave and felt that a radical change of direction was necessary.

John Lasseter took a giant shit on Cars 2 and now he feels he needs to come up with something that is going to reclaim the studio’s reputation for quality,’ says Dwight, an animator who does mostly hands. ‘Then The Brave came out and everyone’s like this is just Disneyed the fuck up so we went across the street to Eli Roth and asked him about who had the rights to Hostel. He turned us down with some bullshit, so next stop Troma.’

Troma have already been looking to remake some of their movies as PG 13 entertainment pieces with ladled on nostalgia value. Lloyd Kaufman said that Troma were delighted to be collaborating with the famed and Oscar winning team that brought Toy Story to the screen.

Usually Pixar make films that are ostensibly for kids but which adults can also enjoy, but this time they’ll make kids which are definitely for adults but which we know kids will somehow get to see and enjoy. Whatever happens it has to be better than Cars 2 which neither kids nor adults enjoyed.

The Toxic Avenger is in the early stages of production and the release date is yet to be scheduled.