HOLLYWOOD – Bruce Willis Quantity is quality. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Bruce Willis tells us that quantity is quality and he is trying to make as many films as possible before the end of the tax year.
Thank you for joining us Bruce Willis. Let’s dive straight in. Is quantity quality?
Are you filming this? If you are, could I have the footage please? I could use it in this week’s film, ‘Death Kill Fire Guns’. After all, quantity is quality.
That’s quite the title. What is it about?
How the fuck should I know? I turn up for a promo shoot and try to not look too bored. That’s the tough bit. I then send the producers some footage of me saying generic lines like, ‘Watch out!’, ‘Get down!’ or ‘It’s gonna blow! RUN!’. I think they get a stand-in to do my other lines. They shoot it from over my shoulder, so no-one can tell it aint me. Then I wait for the cash to come rolling in.
What about your artistic integrity?
Pa-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Hang on, let me catch my breath. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. You’re a funny guy. Not many people can make me laugh. Believe me. The last time I genuinely laughed was when I was working with Terry Gilliam on Twelve Monkeys. How long ago was that? A couple of years ago, right?
That was nearly 30 years ago.
You don’t say? Shit. That fucking Ferris Bueller was right. Life does kinda pass you by. You know, I was in Die Hard. I did a couple of the sequels also.
You made 4 sequels.
I did? Well, whaddayaknow. Anywho. When is this film coming out? When do I get paid? I got a tax bill to pay, ya know. I’m Nic Cage-ing it. Know what I mean?
A new Bruce Willis film will release online every week or so.
BREAKING NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal the name of the Indiana Jones 5 title.
The Indiana Jones 5 title, in light of recent events, has been changed. The Indiana Jones 5 title will be ‘Injuryana Jones And The Curse Of The Brittle Shoulder’.
Throw Me The Idol, I Give You The Aspirin
After reports broke (pun intended) that Harrison Ford has yet again injured himself while rehearsing a fight scene on the set of the latest Indy film, James Mangold decided to change the name of the film. The Exec caught up with writer / director Mangold who had this to say.
Indiana Jones And The Faulty Hearing Aid
“We were rehearsing a fight scene and I said to Harrison, ‘Ok, let’s try it from there.’ Meaning to try it from that part of the scene. Harrison’s hearing aint what it used to be, bless him. He thought I said ‘Ok, dive off of that chair.’ So the crazy bastard stood on a chain and threw himself off. He landed in a heap and that was that.”
Indiana Jones And The Hasty Rewrites
“He wanted to fly himself to the hospital and just kept saying ‘Trust me.’ But I wasn’t falling for that shit. We carted him away and I got to rewriting the film. It now takes place in a Sports Injury Clinic. That way, when he injures himself again (let’s face it) we can whisk him off to ultra-sound treatment, lickety-splick.
Indy / Unbreakable Crossover
Mangold went on to say, “We’ve been in touch M Night Shyamalan’s people about the possibility of doing an Indiana Jones and Mr Glass crossover film or TV series for Netflix. It’ll just be hours of them pointing at each other shouting ‘CAREFUL NOW’ and ‘MIND THAT CORNER’. It’ll be wild.”
More on this as it / he breaks.
BREAKING NEWS – Kevin James movie career is declared illegal.
In a shock bill that has been passed by the federal government with no resistance from Democrats or Republicans, POTUS has signed the bill that now makes the Kevin James movie career illegal.
Ask Not What Comedy Can Do For You
The federal law that has been passed will hunt down and prosecute any company or individuals who attempt to write, produce, finance or perform in any comedy that stars Kevin James. The crime is punishable by a maximum sentence of 20 years that can be imposed. President Biden is quoted as saying, ‘Jill and I sat down to watch TV the other night and we caught the first 20 minutes of Paul Blart Mall Cop, and poor Jill hasn’t stopped vomiting since. It’s truly awful stuff. I vowed to unite the country and dag-nabbit, this is the one thing we can all get behind.’
But What You Can Do For Comedy
Local state laws have also been passed nationwide whereby the viewing of any Kevin James movie will be a misdemeanor offence with harsher corporate fiscal penalties for stations and companies broadcasting or distributing the outlawed back catalogue.
Sorry As Shit
Kevin James appeared on nationwide TV, under house arrest to read a brief statement of contrition. ‘I want to take this opportunity to apologize for my films. I can see now what upset and harm they have caused to so many people. This will make me become a better person. I will re-educate myself on what decent people actually find funny.’
At that point he fell over into a paddling pool full of whipped cream. He then slipped several times whilst trying to stand up. Then, with a familiar glazed expression staring into camera, farted. He was then restrained by several federal agents. He was taken away under armed guard to an undisclosed location where he will face trial.
More on this story as it breaks.
HOLLYWOOD – A comprehensive history of Hollywood, written by the man who put up the ‘H’.
So Los Angeles. The turn of the century. A sparse neighborhood. A traveler rests on path halfway up a hill when a Chinese man leading a donkey pulling a cart filled with timber.
‘What’s the name of this place?’ the traveler asks.
Chinese fella thinks he’s being asked what he’s doing.
‘Hauling wood,’ he answers.
‘Hollywood, huh?’ says the traveler. ‘Nice name.’
And so it goes.
Forget that there are Hollywoods all over the country. There are twenty four places called Hollywood to be exact. There are two in Ireland. And there’s one in Yorkshire, United Kingdom.
From which we can conclude that this Chinese fella and his cart certainly marked up the mileage.
But it’s fitting that the place is mark with an improbable story, because that was basically going to be the job for a good few decades to come.
This series shall continue.
HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Harold Lloyd.
These days barely a year goes by without someone stopping me on Hollywood Boulevard and asking me to share my memories of the late great slapstick clown Harold Lloyd. Much as I hate to disappoint any of my fans, history has come to show that dear old Harry and I never actually met, so instead I regale them with a few ill chosen and slightly rambling anecdotes about that other star of the silent screen, Rudolph Valentino.
Rudi, as I never called him, was always destined to be one of the greats. His commanding presence won over thousands of adoring and occasionally hysterical fans, but in all the time I knew him I can’t remember him ever saying a single word. Not just to me, he never spoke to anyone! Although he’s now remembered as a silent film star, Rudi was actually a true method actor long before the term was ever invented. He would start preparing for a role years in advance, and that meant as soon as the script landed on his doormat he’d stop talking. He wouldn’t say a word on set, and then, long after filming had ended he would still find it hard to step out of character and start talking again. In the end I bought him a little blackboard that he would carry around with him so that he could write messages on it.
“How are you this morning, Rudolph?” I’d say, and he’d look around for a bit of chalk before scribbling down “very well thank you, Edwin, and how are you today?”
“Oh you know, a but hung over, but apart from that…” and he’d wipe the blackboard clean again and write “Yes, I heard you knocking over the garbage can when you staggered back in. What time was it? 3am?”
Much as I admired the man I have to say that his shirts had the dirtiest cuffs in the whole of Paramount: it was all of that chalk dust you see. Clara Bow had a launderette and we took them to her, but she said she wouldn’t be able to get it out. I told her I would, but that’s another story…