HOLLYWOOD – Indiana Jones 5 has just been announced and already the Studio Exec has received the leaked screenplay.
Here it is:
IT’S DARK. INDY IS HACKING AWAY THROUGH THE UNDERGROWTH WITH HIS MACHETE. HE REACHES A HIGH FENCE AND PRODUCES A PAIR OF WIRE CUTTERS FROM HIS JACKET. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A SIREN AND THE PLACE IS LIT UP BY FLOODLIGHTS. WE SEE A SIGN ON THE FENCE THAT READS ‘SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT HOME’.
A SILHOUETTE OF A FIGURE MOVES TOWARDS INDY. A FEMALE VOICE IS HEARD.
INDY CONTINUES USING THE CUTTERS ON THE FENCE
THE FIGURE COMES INTO FOCUS. IT’S A WOMAN IN A NURSES UNIFORM.
Put down the wire cutters Dr Jones and let’s get you back inside.
No. I must find the Ark before it falls into the hands of the Nazis
Now, Now Dr Jones. We’ve been through this. It’s 1985. The war has been over for 40 years.
There, there. Come with me back inside. We’re about to serve dinner and it’s your favourite tonight.
Meatloaf for main and treacle sponge and custard for dessert.
Sounds good but I still can’t come back inside.
Sure you can. You’ll eat a nice dinner then you can have a nice sit down in the social area. Don’t forget, it’s bingo night tonight.
You don’t understand. I’ve shit my pants and if I move it’s going to go everywhere.
Don’t you worry about that now. I’ll give you a nice hot sponge bath and we’ll get you some clean pants.
Ok fine. I’m coming.
LONDON – Actor and inexplicable heartthrob Tom Hiddleston was arrested today in Central London, accused of having killed a swan.
Mr. Hiddleston – made famous for his role as Loki in The Avengers and Thor – was apparently walking in Hyde Park with some friends. Upon spotting the swan, Mr. Hiddleston’s whole demeanour is said to have changed.
‘His eyes burned with a fiery intensity and a long string of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth,’ said a bizarrely articulate eyewitness. ‘Then he dashed straight into the pond and tore its head off with his bare hands.’
Accounts differ slightly in regard to the actual attack, as some say the actor bit the head off and one witness, a greens keeper, said the young actor kicked its head off. ‘It went flying through the air, gore sprinkling and a look of surprise in its little black eyes,’ said Mr. Thunk.
As all swans in England belong to the Queen, Mr. Hiddleston could be in a great deal of trouble should the charges be proven against him.
‘The penalty for killing a swan on the books is death,’ said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police. ‘It is one of the few remaining capital crimes left on the books, along with treason and setting fire to Her Majesty’s shipyards. Something she despises.’
Friends of Mr. Hiddleston have rallied round and decided en masse to go to the theater tonight to take their minds off the ghastly unpleasantness.
HOLLYWOOD – Famous Swedish actor and star of films such as The Seventh Seal and Flash Gordon, Max Von Sydow has released a set of seven DVD comprising an entire course of Zumba that you can do from the comfort of your own home.
‘The routines are relatively gentle,’ said the Septuagenarian Sydow. ‘But you’ll be feeling the burn and having fun at the same time.’
The DVD sets have been flying off the shelves with Amazon reporting that its stock are almost completely exhausted. Industry expert Jackaly Parras said that Sydow’s appeal ‘is probably due to his work in Ingmar Bergman’s films. His presence – whether it’s the knight with a crisis of faith or the worried husband in Through a Glass Darkly – is perfect preparation for presenting a new fitness fad based on South American rhythms and Colombian dance.’
Joe Pesci has announced that he is releasing a Pilates program that he has been developing for years.
‘Way before that oblong headed asshole even knew what a squat thrust was,’ said the very angry Pesci.
HOLLYWOOD – Arnold Schwarznegger’s new film The Last Stand features the veteran action star and former governator trying to stop a criminal escaping South of the border.
However, Johnny Knoxville – Arnie’s ‘comedy’ co-star – revealed it wasn’t the only thing in danger of going South in the original 3 hour cut. ‘Arnie had some financial difficulties going into the film and he’d made a deal with Viagra,’ says the Jackass as he prefers to be known. ‘Every scene he’d add a line about how hard he was and he was a little stiff and then he’d pull out a packet of Viagra and casually wave it at the camera.’
Jee-Woo Kim – who makes his first English language feature – confirmed: ‘I don’t know if it was financial, like product placement so much as he just seemed to have a lot of these packets of pills in his pockets and sometimes they’d inadvertently come out. And he’d improvise lines to cover it up.’
Mr. Schwarzenegger has made no secrets of his passion for constant sex since abandoning his political career, recently promising to do everyone who wanted to be done in San Deigo (for more on that story CLICK HERE). Recent promotional material shows that the original title of the film was The Last and Surprisingly Long Stand, which does suggest the influence of the popular penile dysfunction medicine.
The ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ sex scene.
The Oscar winning feel good film might not be regarded as quite the family favourite if Beresford had not been forced to cut a love scene between Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy.
“ We spent three days filming that scene” said a reflective Beresford.
“ It was all tastefully shot and although you saw Morgan’s erect penis briefly the studios main objection was Tandy’s lack of pubic hair. They said a 70 year old church going woman would have a thick, matted bush and a shaven crotch suggested she was a bit slutty which wasn’t in keeping with the character. Jessica offered to grow it out so we could re-shoot but we ran out of time.
The ‘Batteries not Included’ crack scene.
The tale of miniature aliens who visit the residents of an apartment block on the verge of demolition was, according to co-writer Brad Bird, originally much darker in tone.
“ In my first draft Tandy’s character was a crack addict and I wrote this great scene in which her character lights up a rock to the sound of Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit. The little aliens got a little high off the fumes and started fighting with each other and when she realised her addiction had caused the violence, she decides to quit.”
Bird said he really fought for the scene but executive producer Steven Spielberg insisted it was cut.
“ Steven had a no drugs policy back then” said Bird. “ Which is weird considering 1941 was obviously made by someone who heavily abusing all manner of substances.”
The ‘Cocoon’ orgy scene.
Back in 1989 Jack Nicholson said to New York post Journalist Ron Barba that he was on his way home to “ Do a couple of lines and watch the Cocoon Orgy scene.”. Barba assumed it was just another Nicholson joke but years later when he told the story to Cocoon director Ron Howard, he was amazed by his response.
“ Well actually we did film an orgy scene.” said a confessional Howard.
“ It took place in the swimming pool after the old people had been bathing. It was Don Ameche’s idea I think he had the hots for Jessica. Anyway everyone agreed it was a good idea and so I rolled the camera and let nature take it’s course. The studio didn’t go for it but someone leaked the raw footage and I guess Nicholson got a copy. Though I did hear that Warren Beatty has been playing it on a loop in his living room for the last 27 years.